Present

Takodana

It felt like being underwater. All of her senses were dulled, waves whooshing in her ears as she kept her eyes shut tight. She felt suspended and floating in air, as if her mind had briefly been separated from her body. No limbs to grip onto the world, no anchor to pull her down.

It felt as if she'd dreamed for months before Mara began to come to it. She laid on the forest floor, not being able to move as she wished. Her fingers dug into the dirt, the cold unwelcoming and foreign to her skin. Her eyes took in splotches and bursts of green above her, the leaves creating a canopy in the new environment.

Where was Rey? Where was Rey?

She rolled onto her back as sticks that had fallen from the over hanging branches snapped under her weight. Her head pounded, feeling as though her brain had been split open and rammed back together. The desecration of her mind left Mara writhing in agony in unknown territory. Her eyes were wide as she wished for her sight to return, but her irises refused to focus.

Where is Rey? Where is Rey?

More hammering took place inside of her skull, the numb feeling that coated her skin breaking as her cells let pain roam all over her body. All she could hear was throbbing as her cheek met the wet leaves, much like an icy hand touching her face. Mara tried to stagger up, but her muscles did not conform to the actions she wished them to do. Every attempt to sit seemed to become fruitless, her mind still screaming at her in a way that she had never known. She'd experienced several, she had thought all, different types of discomfort. While each seemed to leave her quite bloody, the form of torture Ren had just performed was one that starkly contrasted from the others.

Mara felt like she had lost something. Something was missing from her brain, forcibly removed by the infringing of her memories. Her thoughts had been clawed apart, each notion stripped clean before being shoved together and crammed back into her body. The entire experience was a breach of privacy and her right as a human being, and it left the question of her mental stability as of now.

Where is Rey? Where is Rey? Where is Rey?

Slowly, Mara's senses came back to her. She smelt the burning of smoke and the fresh dirt that served as a bed underneath her. Iron tasted bitter on her tongue, her own blood dripping from cracked lips. The cut on her forehead burned as the light breeze kissed it, and the large bruise on her back ached at the odd angle she was sprawled out.

Rey was gone. Rey was gone. Rey was gone.

She reached out her arms, trying to grab at the earth once more. Her fist found a handful of leaves, their substance odd in her hands. She dug her palm into the ground, body practically yelling at her to stop. Shoots of pain ran through her at every angle, particularly her torso which had been grazed by shrapnel, but she managed to lift her upper body to prop up on her elbows.

Mara was shaking, putting all her weight on her arms as she sat back. Her muscles were too sore to hold her up, so she was able to scoot closer to the tree she been slammed into earlier. She rested her back on it, suppressing a cry as an open wound met the jagged bark.

Rey was gone. Rey was gone. It was her fault. It was her fault.

Tears of both struggle and emotional turmoil pooled up and leaked from her eyes. She swallowed, allowing more air into her pained lungs after being cut off from an invisible choke hold prior to her blacking out.

Where was Finn? Where was BB-8? Did they get Rey?

Maybe they had been able to stop Ren. She wanted to believe that, wanted to believe where she failed, they had succeeded. Yet Mara had seen the fallen Jedi display his talents several times, and overwhelming odds told her otherwise.

More pounding in her head as she welled her eyes shut. The pain was building, and it kept up as she blew out long breaths.

This was her brother's doing. This was her brother's doing.

The dark knight didn't need the information on BB-8. Ren didn't need to invade her thoughts. It was completely unnecessary, and all he had to do was kill her then keep pursuing Rey. No, this was punishment. This was punishment for surviving Ratakka and then helping the Resistance. Perhaps even taking Rey would be her brother's revenge.

Far off, she heard the shrubbery being disturbed. She heard fast paced footsteps, running somewhere behind her in a desperate manner. Mara's hands felt the ground for her blaster, fingers grasping the handle as she brought the weapon tighter to her body. She quieted her breaths, her heartbeat getting faster as that sound overtook the hammering in her brain.

"Mara! Mara c'mon, where are you!"

A overwhelming sense of relief drowned her, the voice now a comfort instead of an annoyance. She parted her chapped lips, a weak, raspy voice replacing her own as she used what felt like the last strength in her lungs to call out, "Finn I'm here!"

The sound of running changed, coming closer to her now. The bushes around her rustled as Mara turned her head to the side to see the welcome sight of a friend contrasting against the green. Finn frantically glanced around before his eyes set on the women's mangled form, rushing over quickly, "Oh man, you don't look good. How bad are you hurt?"

Mara broken facial expression slowly spread in a feeble attempt at a smirk, and she croaked, "Well, I can move my legs again, so it's an improvement."

The boy did give a small smile as he kneeled down to her, examining all her wounds with a fearful expression, "What happened?"

The blonde swallowed, setting her jaw before attempting to explain, "I found her and BB-8. I told them to run, that I could slow the bastard down. I-I thought I could try, maybe get back at him for expelling me from the Order years ago. Well, turns out pent-up rage doesn't win fights. Got beat up, and that thing..."

Mara brought up a hand, moving it around and pointing towards her head, as she couldn't describe the atrocity that had just happened to her, stumbling over her words, "He-he he did something, up here. And then he took Rey. He took her and I-I couldn't stop him."

Finn sat down in front of her, a defeated sigh escaping him as he to admitted, "Neither could I. I wasn't fast enough."

Both sat back in silence, processing the shock of the battle and what the outcome had been. Mara's mind was able to drift off her hurts for a moment, this time thinking of Rey's fate. Would she too have her head pried open? Interrogated for all she was worth? And after they were done with her, would they kill her?

She had failed her friend. Rey had taken her in, given her a home after Mara had been rejected from her previous one. Of course, the two had been at odds at first, but still, she let her stay with her. The scavenger had given her everything she had, and here Mara was; letting her fall into the hands of utter evil.

Rey never deserved to be in this mess. She deserved a life off that hell of a planet and a family that loved her. She deserved her kindness to be repaid with the same, not what Mara had given her.

Now here she was; beaten and broken and she couldn't save her friend, the only thing left she cared about, from her former employers. There was no hope for her against an enemy like that, one Mara couldn't dare to face. She was back on Ratakka, watching her starfighter burn as she realized all of her pilots were dead.

Mara couldn't save them, and she couldn't save Rey.

"We'll get her back. We have to." Finn's sudden statement broke her train of thought. She absentmindedly shook her head, not wanting to respond. How could he say those words so effortlessly? He must have known, no he had to know, what the First Order was capable of.

So she swallowed, trying to force ashamed tears back into her eyes as she told him, "How? We can't. She's gone and it's my fault-"

"Hey, hey," Finn got up from his spot with haste, going towards the woman he had mostly seen carry herself with a rare strength start to crumble in front of him. He gently touched her shoulder, trying not to irritate any of her wounds, "No, no we'll get her back, okay? We have the Resistance with us now. We'll figure out a way to beat Ren, to beat all of this. We just have to keep going."

Mara faced him, wondering why someone who had been so ready to flee was now preparing to fight once more. When she searched his deep brown eyes, she still saw the fear she knew was reflected in her own. Yet he wasn't going to run now.

This is when Mara realized what hypocrite she'd been. She hadn't left the Order, it had forced her out. Even when she was given the chance to join the fight once again on the right side, she declined. She ran and didn't look back.

Finn, he left willingly. He left the thing that had programmed him from birth to fight and did so by helping Dameron escape. Yes, he had tried to run earlier, but for the same reasons Mara had. He just wanted a life without a war for awhile; a chance to start again.

And here he was, pledging himself to the Resistance after he'd fought yet another battle and lost a friend. Finn was scared, but he was still pressing on despite that. He was ready to charge back into the First Order, fully knowing the harm it could cause him. He was much braver than Mara, and she finally saw that.

If he, a boy raised by murder, could stand back up to fight, why couldn't she?

Mara's voice was caught in her throat, but she was able to nod several times. She sniffed back her tears, wiping her eyes quickly in hopes she would now stop crying and get off her ass, and finally forced out, "Yeah, yeah."

They were going to get Rey. They were going to get Rey.

At this Finn smiled, helping her back onto her feet. Her sore muscles pained to lift her weight up, but she managed to stand with little help. Her bones felt brittle and her mind filled with an ocean, but she had gotten up. Mara breathed deeper, trying best to ignore the pounding in her head.

Finn took her arm, pulling it over his neck to help support her before glancing around the forest, "Okay, which way did I come from?"

Mara cracked a small smile at his bewilderment, observing the area herself. Her vision had now been fully restored, and she could make out the rock she'd hid behind before she engaged Ren, "Right should take us to whatever's left of Maz's castle."

Finn obliged, and the two trudged through the woods towards the smoking battleground. Coming out of the tree line, they could see the scene littered with Resistance medics who were now assisting the civilians that got caught in the firefight. A dozen ships had landed the vacated area where the First Order had arrived, now devoid of the enemy aircrafts. Mara looked around in curiosity, never before seeing this side of the organization she once called an opponent.

Another quick flare of pain from her head caused her to wince and close her eyes, bringing her free hand to her temple before fighting off frustration and asking, "Where's BB-8?"

Finn kept them heading in the right direction, toward where the landing platform was, "Last I saw, he was with Solo. Probably back on the Falcon now, which is where we're heading. Don't want them leaving without us."

An unamused chuckle followed, Mara's gaze drifting to the ancient ship in the distance, "Where exactly is the base we're going to?"

"I heard someone mentioning D'Qar. 'Supposed to be green, like this place."

She was all too grateful it wasn't a desert planet.

Before they could go on, the small ball himself rolled up to them, gleefully expressing how glad he was both of them were alive. The blonde couldn't help but find her chest feeling lighter as he beeped his happiness at their survival.

"Thanks buddy-." She mused, then found herself cut off by an overly posh voice.

"BB-8, where do you constantly wander off too? It's a miracle the First Order hadn't found you yet-oh, I'm sorry to intrude. Who might you two be?" A protocol droid managed to follow the astromech. This one was almost as tall as Mara and Finn, covered in gold plating. His red arm seemed out of place from the rest of his glinting parts.

"Friends of Han Solo." Finn replied to the droid's inquiry, finding it odd how it had suddenly come from seemingly nowhere.

"Ah yes, Master Solo. He is now talking with the General. My, that must be an awkward exchange. But here I am, C-3PO, and glad to be of assistance if you need me." It rattled off more qualifications of its programming, making Mara's headache worsen with each language it informed them it could understand.

Finn took a hint at the blonde's stifled groans, cutting the jabbering droid off with a wave of his hand, "Very interesting, thank you, but I'm sure we'll be fine from here on out."

C-3PO went on a bit more, apologizing for the sudden interruption while BB-8 rotated to gaze up at him, narrowing his lens before beeping Do you ever be quiet?

The droid took much offensive, his red arm going up to cover his speaking piece, "I beg your pardon-"

"Go, now!" Mara whispered fiercely, already lumbering on to drag Finn towards the Falcon while they still could make a getaway. The two were able to escape the chattering protocol machine while it fought with the smaller astromech.

They made it to the freighter, Han and Chewie not there just yet. Finn set Mara down on the seat next to an odd checkered table while she held her own temple. She leaned back on the wall, letting out a long sigh while he asked, "Is it too bad?"

She bit her lip before replying, "Well, my body's overall feeling a little bit better. The head, not so much."

"Yeah, I can imagine." He tried to sympathize, moving to the other side of the room to check for medical supplies, "Poe had a bad headache too, after whatever Ren did."

Mara's eyes squinted, her anger returning to flower in her chest once she processed the words. Not only could Rey be going through that horrifying experience as of now, but Dameron had too? Why? Why them?

Her jaw worked, cursing the galaxy for letting all the bad things happen to good people. Her eyes flew back up to Finn, who turned around with a roll of medical wrap. He caught the end of an unintended blazing glare, but said nothing of it as her stare bore into him.

He placed the tape on the table in front of her, Mara scanning over it all. She'd rather treat her wounds now instead of having to deal with medics later, and took the supplies. She thought of what to do with it, trying to push all thoughts of a doomed Rey and a dead pilot to the back of her mind.

Finn got up again, hoping to help her as much as he could, "I can go look for some painkillers if you like."

Mara at first nodded, but an old memory stirred in her present thoughts, perhaps brought forward in the disturbing of her mind. Her hand was removed for her temple, now reaching for the familiar jacket, "Wait, wait, check the pocket."

"What?" A bewildered Finn was startled, but stayed in place as the blonde pointed to a slot in his friend's coat.

She tried to force the words out, wits still not fully about her as she mumbled, "Chapter fifteen. Ratakka, the cave. When I first landed, Dameron baited me with painkillers if I told him things about the First Order. He kept them in his pocket."

The man at first did seem confused, but Mara's impatient expression urged him to check to spot anyway. Sure enough, he found a tiny white pill, smaller than his fingernail. The blonde let the first genuine smile grace her face since her encounter with Ren. Not only did the passed pilot still carry it to this day (which would benefit her now), but the fact only one pill was present told her Poe may have taken one after he was broke out. It brought a small comfort to her that he didn't die in too much pain.

Finn handed the painkiller to her after Mara reached for her canteen she'd left on the ship. She swallowed as the door opened, Chewie coming in first followed by Han. The older man surveyed the two, stopping before continuing on to the pilot's chair, "Good, you're both here."

Finn offered a smile, while Mara stuck with the irritated look she'd worn most of the day. Han gave a half-hearted nod, "Wounds not too bad?"

"We'll live." Mara didn't give much thought to the answer, grumbling it as she propped her head up on her elbow. Maybe if she'd been in better health and her pride allowed, she would've thanked him for helping in the fight earlier. Yet she didn't, too busy trying to forget the pain.

Mara vaguely heard Han and Finn have a small conversation, something about a 'big deal'. She tuned most of it out, taking a small rest while BB-8 beeped to tell her how he wished she'd feel better.

The Millennium Falcon hummed back to life, leaving the planet and heading into hyperspace. Mara took this as a que to begin treating her gashes. She straightened up, gently pulling up part of her shirt to reveal the cut on her side. The bleeding had stopped, but looked completely like a mess. She winced as she began to clean off the dirt. The sting sent another unpleasant shoot of pain through her abdomen, making her bite down on her lip.

"Need any help?" Finn had been uncharacteristically quiet the last few minutes, trying not to raise his voice in hopes of not making her headache worse.

Mara shook her head, putting down the bloody wipe before reaching for the medical supplies, "No, no, I've got it."

Quiet resumed as she wrapped her torso, swallowing a few uncomfortable complaints. Her head did start to feel a bit better as time went on, the throbbing quite bearable once she finished covering her wound. She sat back again, a long sigh leaving her lips as the fabric bandages pressed against her ribs.

Mara glanced over at Finn, who had dozed off. Considering the past few days, she understood why he would want a bit of a nap. The constant action was enough to wear anyone down.

She momentarily thought of attempting sleep, but wore the thought off. She didn't want to close her eyes again, partly afraid of the images that could haunt her behind her eyelids. She didn't usually have dreams, ones that she could remember anyway. But going through all that the fallen Jedi had put her through made her wary of nightmares. She already felt like she was living one, Mara didn't need to endure it unconsciously.

So the blonde rested her head against the wall, the vibrations from the ship amplifying in her ears on contact. The steady humming she loved so brought her back to simpler days, when she wasn't aware of the war that now engulfed her. She once was just a girl running away from a family name she didn't want, believing she could do anything with her starfighter. She was alone then.

Mara was alone again. This time she didn't feel as though she was invincible, not knowing the pain of abandonment or the weight of guilt. She only wished to hide her name then for fear it would link to her father, not to the crimes she herself had committed. That version of herself, that foolish teenage girl had been gone a long time.

Now, despite the fact she was surrounded by other people, she felt as though she was all by herself. It was an empty pit that sat in her stomach, churning her guts to add to her misery. Every single moment for the last two years, she'd had the same person by her side. The very presence of Rey being there had never left her for long, because she was always near. For all the people who had abandoned Mara in her life, she never had.

Her absence was heavy. There was no one for the woman to turn to. There was no lively conversation that was filled with an angelic laugh. There was no calloused hand that enveloped hers when Mara lost her temper. No quiet voice that mumbled to her tiredly as she just kept rambling.

Rey wasn't here. Part of that was due to her own selfishness.

She wanted to scream, but her teeth stayed clamped together to suppress her cries. The hammering that now dimly echoed in her skull became a small compared to the sickness in her stomach. Bile crept up her throat, now making her mind swim with nausea.

It's all her fault. She was again a useless girl with nothing. And it was because of her own acts.

At this familiar thought, Mara physically shook her head. No.

She wasn't going to do this again. Too many times had she fallen prey to her own self-pity. She wasn't useless yet. She may have nothing now, but that wouldn't be for long. She was not going to let history repeat itself. She could save Rey. She could finally put aside her own selfishness and persevere through. Ren wasn't going to win. Her brother wasn't going to win. Whoever the hell Snoke was wasn't going to win.

Mara had run away enough times. Now wasn't going to be one of them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The ship jolted, making her head jump from the wall and hit against it. She groaned as they came out of hyperspace, rubbing the back of her neck. A few curses tumbled off her tongue as they descended towards the planet, Mara leaning into the table to avoid another injury.

Within minutes the landing gear was engaged. The floor underneath her sunk down, making her falter when getting up. She held onto table to regain her balance as the engine turned off. Han switched off a few things while talking with Chewie before coming out into the main space, hitting Finn's boot, "Wake up."

The man stirred, but still remained fast asleep. Han rolled his eyes, nudging Chewie before walking out. The wookie gave a soft reply, then came closer to the napping boy. He roared, Mara even jumping slightly at the booming sound.

Finn jolted awake, clutching his chest while breathing hard, "What?!? What?!?"

Chewie appeared to laugh at this. The wookie exited the ship as Finn let out a long breath, relaxing after the rather terrifying alarm. He shook his head against the seat, gulping, "I think he's trying to kill me."

Mara let out an unattractive snort at that comment, patting him on the shoulder as she passed, "C'mon, get up. We have work to do."

The man went to his feet, reaching for his gun, while she collected her satchel and pistol. He examined her walk before asking, "You feeling better?"

She smiled at that, shoving her blaster in her holster once she turned back to face him, "Yeah, guess so, though I doubt your constant worry isn't helping either one of us. It is sweet though."

He did blush at the compliment, probably unintentionally. Mara gave a teasing smirk while slinging a leather bag over her body, "You're a decent guy. Sorry about being a bitch to you earlier."

"It's nothing." Finn shrugged it off, "I get it. The whole hiding your identity thing is enough to make someone a little paranoid-"

"And the fact that you were being shady while also flirting with my best friend," She cocked her head, giving a face that dared him to correct her on the latter.

He shied away, hiding an anxious expression while he rambled a bit, "I don't know what your talking about-"

"Don't try lying again, you ain't good at it." Mara cut him off, playfully hitting him as she began to descend down the ramp onto the Resistance base, "Just don't get handsy and we'll be all good. Also, keeping the fact that you saw me show excessive emotion a secret would be nice. I have a reputation of being a hard-hearted spitfire to obtain."

The two strolled out onto the grass, the blonde stopping dead in her tracks when she observed her first glimpse of the base. A group of pilots dressed in orange jumpsuits ran by her, shouting orders at their peers. The overwhelming smell of engine fuel and grease made her alert. Hills rolled across her line of view, cool air brushing back her hair. She saw at least a dozen star fighters right ahead of her, powering down from the previous fight. Most of them were X-Wings, some transport ships. The tarmac was in a flurry around them, eagerly waiting to start on repairs.

It looked like heaven.

"I say we find out who's in charge here, then start getting a plan ready to find Rey." Finn broke Mara out of her brief trance, already moving on towards the building.

She absentmindedly nodded, gesturing in front of her, "You go on ahead, I'll be right there."

Now Mara liked a fair amount of things in life; not sand, Rey, cute little droids, cute girls, cute guys, alcohol, the color of the sea, her hair, etc. Yet few of these things compared to her love of one-man starfighters.

It started when she was young. Ships were an escape from the troubles below. When she was in the air, watching the ground of Arkanis become a blur under her, the patronizing voices of her parents would fade away. She learned the basics of flying before she could quote simple times tables. She could tell you every detail about a standard model Z-900 Headhunter's operating system instead of the math formulas she should have been studying. Her brother would call her obsessive as she spent hours collecting air time, trying out dozens of different tricks and then mastering each one until she could do everything with ease.

Flying was simple, at least in her mind. When everything seemed to go wrong for Mara, which it always did, the cockpit of some one-man ship became a shelter from the rest of the universe. Long metal bodies gave the woman wings. Mara was confined, yet could do anything and everything she pleased. It was freedom.

She had to part with that a long time ago, the last time being when she tumbled from the sky into a humid cave. Just the sight, the wonderful feeling, of all the beautiful starfighters surrounded Mara in a longing euphoria.

She found herself stepping closer to one of the ships, analyzing it with a careful eye. Her hands fell on the thrust engines, observing dark blast marks that marred the paint job.

Her fingers went to the metal hull, tapping it lightly. The outer metal had recently been refurbished, most likely due to the need for drastic repair. The pilot of this particular X-Wing wasn't too good at dodging multiple hits, but decent enough to still survive a several fights.

Mara went to see the back of it, noticing the servo actuater was in need of more repair, probably from the fight on Takodana. It wasn't too bad, just damaged enough to need fixing. A few electrical lines were ruptured and the frame bent-

Mara Mara Mara

"Huh?" She glanced down from the ship, seeing a excited BB-8 roll into the back of her calf to get her attention, "What is it?"

Follow me now!

The droid sped off, circling around the X-Wing to the main stretch of the tarmac. Mara obliged, reluctantly leaving the fighter to pursue the astromech. She came around the corner, ducking under the long metal nose to follow.

BB-8 led her towards Finn, who was a few yards off and in the middle of what seemed to be a conversation with a Resistance member (the tacky orange gave it away). Still unsure of why she had to part ways with the ship, Mara called to the droid, "Hey, wait a minute, where you going bud?"

At the sound of her voice, Finn threw a glance over his shoulder. An excited smile spread as he broke from the pilot, using his hands to tell over a very confused blonde to come closer. Mara's brows knitted together, but the woman sped up to a jog.

She raised an eyebrow at her companion when she was within talking range, "And I'm rushing around after being wounded why exactly-"

She swore she bit her own tongue. Her eyes widened like saucers before narrowing down into tight slits. Mara glanced from the droid to Finn, then to the Resistance member near him. It felt like a strong punch in the face, and suddenly she felt like she couldn't breathe again. She almost physically stumbled back, caught off guard and wondering why her own eyes were lying to her.

A familiar voice spoke, matching that of her memories from years ago, "Blondie?"

Wow Rose, four updates in under a month? How do you do it?

Well, besides finding that thing called 'inspiration' that has evaded me for years, I promised myself if I finished this book, I'd start a super gay, super angsty Wanda Maximoff fic, so it's a win-win. The only problem is I'm neglecting my other books, so that cancels out at least one win.

This chapter was supposed to be like 3000 words. Alas, I have no restraint and it's over 5000 now. Why do I do this to myself. But hey, we're back in the present (with Finn and Mara being brotp as hell). And next chapter, I'll be introducing a new OC who will know Mara from her teenage years ;)

Also, before I go, can we just acknowledge that Finn and Poe had a super emotional, gayish reunion while Mara just goes off and gushes over a X-wing? Wow, just wow. Hope you enjoyed this, and goodbye for now.