Humagulhol ako,my cry occupies my whole office. Kumatok rin kanina si Jess pero hindi ko iyon pinansin. I can't face her in this kind of state.

I am hurting again because of him. Kailan ba titigil ang lahat ng ito? Kailan ba matatapos? Is this all the consequences of my actions and decisions before?

Ilang araw ko na rin siyang napapansin sa paligid,kaya umiwas ako. Ayaw kong nasa malapit siya dahil baka isang salita niya lang ay manghihina ulit ako. Baka isang sorry niya lang ay babalik ulit ako sa kanya. I knew he conceive with Hymier kaya sa tuwing nag-iimbita ito ay tumatanggi ako.

Nasasaktan parin ako sa tuwing nakikita ko siya. Maybe,somehow our talk helped. Nailabas ko kahit papaano ang saloobin ko sa kanya. Lahat ng sama ng loob na mayroon pa ako ay nasabi ko na. He's right,he deserved all the hurtful words I threw.

Pero bakit nakaka-guilty? Bakit nasasaktan rin akong makita ang sakit sa mga mata niya? Alam ko naman na nasaktan din siya noon dahil sa sitwasyon at pinagdaanan niya. I didn't control myself awhile ago kaya nasabi ko lahat ng iyon.

Ilang minuto akong nanatili sa opisina pagkatapos ng iyak ko. I need to fix myself before going home.

Lumabas ako at naabutan si Jess na may ginagawa pa. I bid her goodbye at hindi naman siya nagtanong pa kahit alam kong kuryuso siya sa mga nangyari kanina. She probably heard me shouting kaya siguro pagkaalis ni Casimir ay kumatok siya dahil baka akala niya napano ako.

I hate him so much,I hate the fact that I needed to act that his presence didn't hurt and bother me. Even though it crushed my whole heart but I got to be strong to show him I've moved on.

They say,time heals all wounds. I refuse to believe that,kahit gaano pa katagal ang nangyari, the trauma is still there. The pain people inflected is still there,nasanay lang tayo na maramdaman iyon but when it triggered,everything came back.

Sabi pa nila na makaka-move on tayo pagkalipas ng panahon. Nakamove on ba? Can we really get rid of the grief that comes with trauma? They walk hand in hand,kasama ng sakit ang kalungkutan. We moved on with pain. We moved on with grief. We moved on with wounds. We moved on with scars. Hindi na tayo magiging buo'ng muli,may peklat na bawat sugat at hindi na iyon maaalis pa.

I've learned alot from my past, I learned to love myself more. I accepted the fact that people come and go. Feelings don't stay long,it fades when times fly. I learned to cherish every moment I'd have with those people around 'coz I know it didn't last. Atleast,kahit umalis man ang mga taong nakikilala ko,we have those happy memories to be cherish.

"Bye,ma'am! Ingat sa pagmamaneho." paalam sa akin ng guard isang hapon habang pauwi ako.

"Kayo rin po,kuya. . .Ingat po!" I waved my hand to him and smiled.

This is what I like working here. Super friendly and hospitable,kaya maraming guests ang bumabalik-balik. And all their feedbacks were good lalo na sa pagkain at mga staffs ng resorts.

I drive home for minutes since malapit lang naman talaga kami sa resort. Kumunot ang noo ko nang may makitang itim na subaru'ng sasakyan sa hindi kalayuan sa gate ng bahay namin. Wala kaming kapitbahay dito since Montero owns this land. Mula mismo sa highway papasok sa resort at nabili na ng mga Montero.

Kumunot ang noo ko,hindi ko makita ang tao sa loob dahil fully tinted ito. Kaya ang ginawa ko nalang ay menimorize ang plate number nito. The guards immediately open the gate for me when I horned twice.

Kahit kuryuso pa ako ay hindi ko inabalang lingunin muli ang sasakyan. Baka naligaw lang o hindi kaya papasok sa resort at nasiraan lang ng sasakyan?

I shrugged it off.

Nang ma-park ng maayos ang sasakyan ko sa garahe ay agad akong lumabas. Bitbit ang bag na may lamang laptop ay pumasok ako sa bahay. Tahimik ang buong bahay kaya napakunot ang noo ko.

Dumiretso ako sa kusina at nakitang nagluluto sina manang.

"Manang . . .sila ahia at si CL po?" tanong ko.

"Ay susmaryusep! Nagulat mo naman ako,hija. Nasa kani-kanilang kwarto ang mga kapatid mo. Iyong anak mo naman ay nagpaalam na pupunta sa garden niya. Sinabihan kong magpasama kay Glenda,ayaw nito."

Napabuntong-hininga ako. It's been a week but she never talk to me the same as before. Kakausapin lang ako kapag may itatanong. It bothers me so much.

"Sige po,salamat. . .susundan ko nalang pagkatapos magbihis." saad ko at umalis na roon.

I took a half bath and change my clothes into something comfortable.

Pumasok ako sa taniman ng mga prutas. Malinis naman ang paligid at may mga trabahanteng naglilinis kaya namaintain ito. Hindi ako sang-ayon sa gawaing ito ni Cashania dahil delikado parin. But her nanny is always following her without her knowledge kaya kampante naman ako.

I know where exactly her so called hidden place is kaya hindi mahirap sa akin ang hanapin ito. It took me minutes of walking,maliwanag pa dahil alas kwatro palang ng hapon.

Ilang hakbang pa ang ginawa ko ng maabot ko ang lugar na iyon. Ngunit hindi pa man nakakalapit ay may narinig na akong nag-uusap.

"You know that it is not safe going here without anyone older than you around?" boses iyon ng lalaki.

Boses na pamilyar sa akin,kaagad nagtambol ang aking dibdib. Why is he here?

"My ate Glenda is always following me everytime I'm here." she coldly answered.

"Where is she then?"

"Hiding?"

"Why is that?"

"Because I want to be alone and this place is my safe haven. . . I don't allow anyone coming here If I am around."

"Then why did you invit me here?"

"Because I want to,why? Ayaw mo ba,you can go,you know."

Hindi ko man sila nakikita ay alam kong ama niya ang kausap niya ngayon. She's talking to her father like they are at the same age.

"It's not like that,I am just curious why you allowed me here,then?"

"Because I want to,just be thankful that I let you. . ."

I am a hundred percent sure that Cashania is rolling her eyes to her father now. That brat!

"So,here's the deal. . .you have to tell me a story about your girlfriend."

"I don't have and I can't have one." simpleng sagot ni Casimir sa anak.

"Why is that?"

"Because it is what it is. And I don't need a girlfriend."

"Why?"

Nakita kong bumaba taas ang balikat ni Casimir. Maybe he is sighing. Frustrated na ata sa dami ng tanong ng kanyang anak.

"I am married. . ." I saw how Cashania's eyes turn into a round ball.

Gulat na gulat sa sinabi ng anak. Did I tell her that her father and I are married,didn't I?

"You're what?"

"Married." he raised his left hand and showed her the ring. Marahang hinihimas pa iyong ng kanyang hinlalaki,like I always did before.

Napatakip ako ng aking bibig,he's still wearing it? Mine is in my drawer,hindi ko na suot-suot iyon simula ng maghiwalay kami. Nakalagay lang iyon sa kwentas ko at iyon ang ginawa kong pendant.

"Where's your wife? Do you have a c-child?"

"She's not around. . . I did something bad that made her left me. We don't have a child."

Iyan ang alam mo. Gusto kong isaboses iyon pero natatakot akong marinig nila.

"Do you wish to have one?"

Umiling ang kausap niya,napasikdo naman ako sa parang punyal na tumurok sa aking dibdib.

"I want more than one,a dozen if the mother can manage to carry more children."

"What if you already have one?" seryoso parin tanong ng anak ko.

I don't know where did she get her courage to ask those questions to him. I know she hated him and it's confusing that she still talking to him like that. I thought. . .

"I don't have,I am sure of that. Hindi naman nabuntis ang asawa ko and we're protected. And it's been six years,if she were pregnant with my child I would know. She will let me know." he surely said.

How can he be so sure of that? E,nagawa ko na ngang itago at ngayon kausap pa niya na para bang imbestigador ang kanyang anak.

"What if there was and she didn't tell you? Can you forgive her for hiding your child?"

Katahimikan ang namayani sa dalawa. I don't really understands my daughter's logic sometimes.

"Why are we talking like this? I can't believe I'm talking to a five year old kid this way. Para kang matanda sa mga tanong mo."

"I am a child physically but I am matured enough to asked those questions. I know what I am saying,and I wanted to know if you'll be mad if your wife were hiding a child from you."

"Jesus Christ!"

"It's just hypothetical questions, mr. Soldier." she even made a genuine smile.

"What if you have nga! Will you accept the child and forgive the mother for hiding it from you?"

Isang katahimikan muli. I can sense that they are staring at each other's eyes. And I want to witness how their brows furrowed the same. I know that she's asking those question because somehow she wanted to be accepted by him. By her father.

She wants a confirmation,she wanted acceptance from his father and it hurts me. Kasi dapat ako ang kumakausap sa ama niya,dapat ako ang gumagawa ng paraan para matanggap siya at malaman ng ama niya na mayroong siya.

But what did I do? I never give him the chance to know her. I never thought about them. Am I that selfish? I let them experienced all of this?

"I—I don't know what to say. . ." hilaw pa itong natawa. "I will accept the child,of course! But I don't know if I can't be mad with the mother for doing that to me. Raising a child for years alone is hard but I have all the rights to know. I should be the one helping her, I should be there as a father and a husband. It will make me feel useless and helpless,it's a betrayal for me. I will be mad. . .very, very mad."

Hindi ko na napigilan pa ang sarili na mapahikbi. Takip ang bibig ng dalawang kamay at pilit na pinipigilan ang tunog ng iyak ko.

I deserve the madness from him. I deprived him the right to his daughter kaya acceptable ang magiging galit niya.

I will accept all of that. I will accept his madness and hate. I will bare everything. Gaya ng dati.

"But if ever I am your hidden child and you'll get mad with my mother. I will hate you,no I will loathed you."

Mas lalo akong napahikbi sa narinig. She's really a big girl now. She grow up maturely and it is because of the situation she's in.

"W-why?"

"You should be there. . . you should make a way to be there with them. Kahit pa it's the mother's choice to hide your child. Dapat ikaw ang naghanap ng paraan para nandoon ka. You should've done better for them."

She paused for awhile. She's lowkey confessing that she is the hidden daughter.

"I am so lucky that I am not your child. I will be that lucky daughter who abandoned by his father. And if I will be your daughter,it is hard for you to gain my trust. You will have a hard time persuading me, you will have a hard time winning my heart. . ."

Hindi lang iyon basta-bastang mga salitang binibitawan. Bawat bigkas ay may laman. Hindi niya lang binibigyan ng opinyon ang kanyang ama.

It is like a warning for him. Na kapag naipakilala ko na sila sa isa't isa,mahihirapan siya rito. Mahihirapan siya dahil sasadyain niyang pahirapan ito. And it is scary,it is my first time seeing her like that. It is my first time hearing her like that.

Mabilis na kumalabog ang dibdib ko ng mag-angat siya ng tingin sa at nakasalubong ang aking tingin. Wala na akong lakas pa upang magtago sa puno na tinaguan ko kanina.

Nanlumo ako sa aking nakikita. She's meters away from me but I can clearly see her face,I can clearly see her how sad she is. Especially her eyes,it glistened and anytime soon she will cry.

It hurts me so much. Nadudurog ako para sa anak ko.

I'm sorry,love. . . Babawi si nanay sa'yo. . .

Pangako.