It had been a few hours since Sandstar's death. Coldeyes was wandering outside the camp, his nose only caring for the scents of prey. He needed to be as far from that place as possible. He had been hit by the full gravity of Sandstar's request.
Ambercloud had left with a few others to get her lives so she could return and appoint a new deputy as soon as possible. His pelt shook with uncertainty, how could Sandstar want him to be his successor? Why would Ambercloud agree it was his destiny to lead the clan?
He had been a nuisance for them after Dapplepaw died, even if he did come back around to the society of the camp when Ambercloud helped him learn to heal. Dapplepaw, his current apprentice, was helping him grow less somber in his life, but how could he trust himself to keep getting better? Even if he never asked he knew his clanmates wouldn't want him to be their leader.
They were too weary of his personality and unpredictable behavior. He had nothing for them to read to understand him, to work with him. Coldeyes may have known he was a tom with a good heart, but convincing those who had seen him at his lowest would be a task he feared he could never uphold. How could he feel this way knowing when Ambercloud returned as Amberstar that he would be the new deputy?
Wouldn't other warriors be excited or overjoyed? Wouldn't they be unable to contain themselves and only consider the new things they would have access to and be responsible for? Coldeyes had no doubt he was capable of such things, but the thought of his clanmates outlook on himself frightened him to a point where he had considered, multiple times, to tell Ambercloud he would not accept then duty.
This was something he knew he would have gone for as a kit, but he was grown now and he felt like he was on the edge of a cliff, being asked by Sandstar and Ambercloud to look up to the stars and jump off. How could he be such a coward for something so simple? Shame had been washing over him like a choking mist as he realized these negative thoughts running through his mind.
He sighed as he stopped his hunt, his mind being split between his worries and the real world was exhausting. Even if he didn't want to do it, he needed to. It was the curse and blessing of expectations and relationships. Either he gave in to his fear to face disappointment and discord, or he took the leap into a new world for his and his clan's benefit.
Coldeyes was not a coward in the face of battle, he fought just as hard as any other warrior of his clan. Outside the battlefield though, he faced many more dangers when he was alone. His mind was an enemy but an ally, a fiend that stabbed him in the back.
It felt like a needle so he never noticed the harm it brought him, but when he would face off against it for it's final betrayal, he wouldn't be at his best. But it was a battle that could be one, even if it was uphill. Coldeyes began to return to camp with empty eyes as he realized his decision. He couldn't fail himself by running from something he should be proud of receiving.
Sandstar had chosen him to lead the clan after his death, and he would not turn away such a powerful compliment. It would be disrespectful to his spirit and to Starclan. He could not be a coward and hide from his emotions.
He had to be strong and be true to himself or else he would lie to escape everything he didn't like in his life. This was a test for him, a test sent by Starclan to see if he was truly worth all he believed he was. He would prove himself as worthy for this position and learn to be a better warrior from it.
He would make Thunderclan stronger by improving on his own short comings, there was no other way to grow. His first step into camp would be his first step into a new life. The ferns fell to the side as he moved through them, his white pelt spotless as he made his way to the crowd keeping Sandstar's body company in the middle of camp.
He joined them to mourn a leader who had inspired him through life and death to become better and overcome the obstacles in his life. He pressed his nose into the tom's pelt.
"I will not fail you, Sandstar." Coldeyes promised in a whisper as he closed his eyes.