Long, long ago, there lived a little princess in a happy kingdom ruled by a happy king—only then, she grew up and started to be interested in boys, and suddenly the king wasn't quite so happy anymore.

"There, there, do you see this?" marching into his wife's room, the king waved a poster under her nose. It showed a smiling, muscular youth waving a sword in front of a dragon's nose. "Ha! She used to be a proper little girl! She used to have posters of pixies and gnomes and dancing puppets in her room. Now it's all Prince Charming this and Jack the Giantkiller that, and she's always listening to that awful music by that Pimpled Piper from Hamelin!"

"I believe it's 'The Pied Piper of Hamelin', dear."

"Who cares? He has pimples!"

"Yes, dear."

"This can't be born! We must put a stop to it!"

"What?" the Queen raised an eyebrow. "To her growing up?"

"No! To all this boy nonsense. There'll be plenty of time for a happily ever after later. Like, for example, when she's thirty-five. Or maybe forty."

"Yes, dear."

"She will start behaving reasonably again. And she will do it right now! I'll see to it!"

And the king marched from the room.

Yet in spite of his most strenuous efforts, the king was unable to expunge the male species from the princess's mind. More posters appeared on the walls, more piper music drifted through the halls of the palace, and whenever other princesses came to visit, there was one main topic of conversation: how to find their prince charming.

There was only one fact that kept the king relatively calm and sane: there wasn't a prince charming to be found within a hundred miles. What the neighboring kingdoms had to offer was more along the lines of Prince Revolting, Prince Disgusting and prince I-Need-a-Bath-and-a-Haircut. So the king felt his daughter was safe, for now.

But then disaster struck!

The Prince Charming League of Fairyland chose a castle only three miles away from the king's palace for their annual convention. When his heralds brought him the news, the king nearly collapsed on the spot.

"Bring me the list of attendees!" he roared. "Now!"

Soon his servants returned with the list, and the king studied it with mounting horror. Prince Charming would be there, as would Prince Charming, Prince Charming and Prince Very Charming. And it got worse! Prince Incredibly Charming had decided to make the long journey all the way from his distant kingdom to meet up with his old friend Prince So Charming You Won't Believe It, and Prince Very Charming had buried the hatchet with his former nemesis, Prince Charming Enough To Die For, who would also be coming.

"Oh God!" In desperation, the king covered his hand. "I'm lost. The only thing I can hope now is that she doesn't find out."

"Find out what, Daddy?" came his daughter's voice from right behind him. "Oh dear, what do we have here? That looks interesting..."

"No! Give that back! That's nothing that would interest you! It's just boring—"

"Yeeeeeees!"

"—paperwork."

"Yes, yes, yes, yes!" Waving the paper in the air like a victory flag, the princess danced through the throne room. "The convention is coming! The Convention is coming! Oh, Daddy, this is wonderful! That's the best present ever! Thank you sooooo much!"

"Present? Um, oh, yes, of course. Present. You're welcome."

"I've got to run and tell my friends. Oh, they'll be so excited when they hear this!"

The princess ran off to find her friends, and the king retired to his bedchamber to smother himself with a pillow.

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The Prince Charming Convention was everything the Princess had hoped for. Knights and Princes on mighty steeds, luxurious coaches made from gold, silver and pumpkin, the best musicians of Fairyland assembled in one place—it was like a dream, only better, because she wouldn't wake up. She had already met over two dozen prince charmings. And yet, and yet...

None of them was her prince charming. None of them were charming enough to make her want to subject her feet to the torture of glass slippers. With none of them would she feel comfortable enough to let her hair down, let alone all the way down a tower as a rope placement. They just didn't feel right. None of them did, until...

Until one night, at the opening ball of the convention, he entered the room. The most handsome, most perfect, most charming of all prince charmings. This one was hers! She knew it the moment she saw him. She knew it deep in her bones. This was her happy ending. Now all she had to do was go to him, and he would draw her into her arms and seal their union with a kiss, while romantic music played in the background.

Five minutes later, the princess stamped down the corridor towards the queen's chambers, her hair in disarray, her ball gown sputtered with mud. With one angry kick, she thrust open the door to the queen's sitting room.

"He didn't even look at me!" she yelled.

"Really, darling?"

"Not one glance! Not one single glance, let alone a word!"

"You don't say, darling." Slowly, the queen looked up from her magic mirror. "Who are we talking about again, exactly?"

"The prince!"

"Ah. Which of the three-hundred and seventy-five, my dear?"

"The one! The only one that matters! The love of my life!"

"Ah." The queen nodded wisely. "That one. What's his name?"

"I don't know!"

"Oh dear. That's not good."

Putting aside her magic mirror, the queen directed her full attention at her stepdaughter, for she had her suspicions who had captured the young girl's heart. "What does he look like, then? Was he by any chance the most handsome prince at the ball? Tall, strong, with a face like a god and eyes like the azure sea?"

"Yes! Exactly!"

"Ah." The queen nodded sagely. "As I suspected. That must have been Prince Faintly Charming."

"Nonsense, stepmother! He wasn't faintly charming! He was magnificently charming!"

"Not 'faintly' as in 'slightly', my dear. 'Faintly' as in he's so charming he makes every girl he passes faint. In fact, he is the most charming of all the prince charmings of Fairyland. But, as you can imagine, having girls drop as soon as he smiles his charming smile has made it difficult for him to find his one true love. Poor Prince Faintly has become something of a recluse, because he does not wish to inflict a coma or head trauma on some unfortunate girl. I hear that after three failed proposal attempts that ended with a princess in the hospital, he has sworn off women and proclaimed he will forever remain a bachelor."

"Then I am lost!" exclaimed the princess. "My heart shall be forever broken, for I will only ever love him. We are soulmates!"

The queen grinned the kind of wicked grin that only wicked stepmothers can master. "Plus, there's nobody else as hot as him, right?"

"That, too." With yearning in her heart, the princess gazed out of the window. "How shall I ever get a happily ever after with someone as charming as him?"

"Don't worry, my darling." The Queen patted her on the shoulder. "Luckily for you, your mother is dead."

"Um...that's lucky?"

"Of course! It means you've got a wicked stepmother in your corner. We know all about how to capture a man."

The Princess brightened. "You do?"

"Yes. You take net, and a cage and a—"

The Princess pulled a face. "No! No, stepmother, I don't want to catch him like that! I want him to want to be with me, and to love me."

"Well, in that case—"

"Without using a love potion."

"Oh. You do like to make things difficult, don't you?"

"Sorry."

"Never mind. Let's see. Love...love without a love potion or a cage. I suppose kidnapping and murder is out of the question, too?"

"Yes."

"Spoilsport. Well, let's see...hm...hm..."

The Princess anxiously watched as her stepmother paced up and down, now and then exchanging whispered ideas with her magic mirror. Finally, she whirled around and punched the air with her fist. "Heureka! I've got it!"

"Really?" The Princess hurried forward, hope blossoming in her heart. "Tell me!"

"What you need, girl, is some distress!"

The Princess stared up at her stepmother. "Pardon?"

"Distress! You know, the thing damsels are in. Being kidnapped by a dragon, put into a magical hundred year sleep or, worst of all..." the stepmother shuddered, "...forced to do kitchen work! The moment we let Prince Faintly know of your distressed damsel status, he will not be able to resist his princely instincts. He will rush to your rescue, the two of you will fall in love, and live happily ever after."

"Wonderful!" the Princess clapped her hands. "That sounds fabulous!"

"Of course we will have to subject him to some little unpleasantries to achieve our goal, like being magically transformed into some animal, hunted, shot at, nearly starved and terrified to death."

"Oh, don't worry about that." The Princess waved her hand, still overcome by happiness from the good news. "I'm sure he won't mind, seeing as it's all for a good cause."

"All right, then." The stepmother rubbed her hands in anticipation. She had been married to the king for some years, and it had been quite a while since she'd had a chance to be really wicked. Oh, it would be fun to relive her glory days! "Let's get things started! First, let's put you in distress."

"But how? There's no dragon for a hundred miles around here, I'm a very light sleeper, and father would never allow me to do kitchen work."

"Don't worry." The queen gave her a wicked pat. "That's what stepmothers are for. Guards!"

Instantly, two tall guards marched into the room, armed from head to toe. "Yes, Your Majesty?"

"Take my stepdaughter to the tower and cast her into the darkest, most miserable dungeon available. Mwahahaha!"

"Yes, Your Majesty!"

The guards grabbed the joyful princess and dragged her away, while she waved at her stepmother, beaming all over her face. "Thank you! Thank you so much!"

"And put her in chains!"

"Oh, stepmother, you are wonderful!"

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Prince Faintly Charming was in his room sighing over the sadness of his fate when the knock from the door came. Striding over, he glanced through the peep hole to make sure it wasn't a girl. But there was no one there—only a small rectangle of parchment on the floor. Opening the door, he picked up the parchment and read:

Help, Help!

The lovely princess of this land has been locked into a tower by her wicked stepmother. Immediate rescue requested. Package includes one half of the kingdom and happily ever after in beautiful castle. All applicants please apply to: The Wicked Stepmother, Queen's Chambers, The Castle 01, Enchanted Kingdom.

"Oh no!" the Prince exclaimed. "A princess locked away in a tower? How wicked!" The Prince was brave, and not for a moment did he consider leaving the princess to her fate. Quickly, he armed himself and left his room. And because he was not only brave but also pretty smart, he did not go to the wicked stepmother to apply for rescue permission. Instead, he went straight to the tower.

"Princess! Princess, can you hear me? It is I, Prince Faintly Charming! I have come to rescue you!"

"Can it truly be?"

Her chains clanking, the Princess hurried to the barred window. And there he was, at the foot of the tower: Prince Faintly Charming, in all his glory. Even at this distance he made her feel a bit woozy.

"Don't be afraid, princess!" Prince Faintly called up to her. "I'm coming!"

And he began to climb the tower. The Princess watched with admiration as he easily made his way up the rocky wall. He didn't even need a braid as a climbing aid! Now that was a true Prince Charming! In only a few minutes, he had reached her window, and the Princess had to grasp the iron bars of the window in order not faint from the overwhelming princelyness of Prince Faintly.

"Oh my Prince!" she whispered. "You have come!"

"Yes, I've come! I've come to rescue you from the sinister dungeon in which you've been languishing—" The Prince cut off, and his eyes slid past her, gazing into room beyond. "Um...Your Highness?"

"Yes, my prince?"

"Why does your sinister dungeon have oriental carpets on the floor, a whirl pool in the corner and a minibar?"

Inwardly the Princess cursed her stepmother. She'd told the queen that the whirlpool wasn't necessary! But the queen wouldn't hear of her dungeon not being equipped with all royal comforts.

"What's the point of being locked up in a dungeon," she had said, "if you can't even enjoy it?"

And the Princess had had to agree. But now she wished she hadn't.

"Um, the whirlpool...the whirlpool is...is a cleverly disguised instrument of torture!"

"It is?"

"Oh yes. And so is the minibar. It contains nothing but poison which my wicked, wicked stepmother forces me to drink each day, slowly but surely bringing me closer to death."

"That wicked witch!" the Prince exclaimed. "You need fear no longer, princess! I am here now. I shall rescue you."

"Ha! You shall do nothing of the sort!"

Whirling around, the valiant prince gasped at the sight that met his eyes. It was the princess's stepmother, the wicked witch who had locked her in this prison. She was floating in mid-air on the back of a goat, her face a hideous green, her eyes glowing red, and two horns sprouting from her wild hair. It had taken her two hours in front of the magic mirror to glue those damn things on.

"The Princess is imprisoned by my command!" the stepmother exclaimed. "And thou shalt not free her! If thou shalt try, thou shalt feel my wrath!"

The Prince raised his chin. "I fear neither thee nor thy vile magic, horrible hag! Do your worst! I shall rescue this fair maiden whether thou wish it or not!"

"Very well then, Prince! Prepare to meet thy doom!" And she raised her wand.

Ka-boom!

Yellow smoke enveloped the prince. He lost consciousness and dropped away from the tower. Uttering a scream, the princess lunged forward, reaching out between the bars—but her stepmother had already caught him. Slinging the boy over her shoulder, she opened a secret door in the side of the tower and a moment later was inside the luxury dungeon suite with her stepdaughter.

"So." With a thud, she deposited the snoring prince on the floor. "That was the heroic rescue attempt, foiled by the insidious stepmother. It's time for act two of our little romance."

"Which is?"

"Well, isn't it obvious?" The stepmother raised her wand above the prince. "We need to transform him into something."

"Why?" inquired the Princess, taking out a notebook to jot down notes. She was, after all, learning from the best.

"It's simple Fairyland psychology. We have to turn him into something inhuman, something that will make him feel inadequate and unworthy of being loved, so when you still love him anyway, he will feel grateful and start to love you in return."

"Wow! That is..."

"...wicked?"

"Wonderful!" The Princess beamed, scribbling down notes faster than a professional stenographer. "What should we transform him into?"

"Well, there's always the classic—a beast. Preferably one with a thick pelt and really big teeth."

The Princess pulled a face. "No. Sounds a bit hairy for my taste. Besides, beasts don't have wings. How is he supposed to get up to my tower cell so we can continue our elicit romance without wings?"

"Good point. How about a winged serpent?"

"Yuk! Sorry. I don't like reptiles."

"An eagle?"

"Too big to perch on the windowsill."

"A bird!" The Queen beamed. "Yes. A little blue bird. Nice and easy to handle, simple to feed, and cute enough to die for. What do you say?"

A broad smile broke out across the princess's face. "I love it! Let's do it!"

With the matter decided, the queen raised her wand and, with another puff of smoke, changed the prince into a little blue bird that could fly faster than any other bird in Fairyland. When the Prince awoke, he found that he was very small, very feathery, and completely helpless. The wicked stepmother loomed over him, grinning her wicked grin.

"Thou hast presumed to challenge me, prince!" she spoke. "As a punishment, thou shalt be cursed to be a blue bird, and to deliver short text messages of no more than 280 characters throughout the whole of Fairyland."

The prince-bird cocked his little head. "Why 280? Why not 300?"

"Do not question me, worm, or I shall squash you!"

"Fine, fine. And how long will this curse last? Three years? Seven?"

The stepmother's grin grew even more wicked. "Forever!"

"What? That's not fair! That's against the rules!"

"I'm a wicked stepmother! Breaking the rules is what I do!"

"But—"

"Besides, there is a way to break the curse."

"Oh. There is?"

"Yes. The kiss of true love. If you are kissed by someone who really and truly loves you, the curse shall be broken."

"Really?" Considerably cheered by that, the prince-bird raised his wing and pressed a kiss on it.

Nothing happened.

"It has to be someone other than you, you bloody cheater!"

"Damn!"

"Someone female. And your mom doesn't count."

"Double damn!" Desperately, the prince glanced around. "Where am I supposed to find someone who will love me when I look like this?"

Behind him, the Princess cleared her throat. Hopefully, he turned around and gazed up at her. "Yes? Do you know where I might find someone like that?"

Behind the bird's back, the stepmother covered her eyes with one hand. "I can see this is going to take a while. I'll leave you two to it. I've got evil deeds to perform. Bye!"

And she disappeared in a puff of foul-smelling smoke.

Thus began Prince Faintly's life as a little blue bird. Cursed as he was, he began each day to fly about the land, delivering short text messages between mermaids, humans and trolls. The trolls seemed to be particularly fond of using his services and sent lots of messages, most of which were so insulting, the little blue bird suffered greatly at having to repeat them. Sometimes, people even attached ridiculous little images to their messages which he had to carry in his beak for miles and miles before finally dropping them, exhausted, in the laps of their recipients. The little blue bird became famous throughout Fairyland as the fastest and most reliable way to exchange messages with your friends, wherever they might be. However, no one truly knew how he suffered for it, and no one even for a moment suspected that the little blue bird was in fact an enchanted prince, capable of much more than a 280-character text message.

Only in the evenings, when he returned to the tower and the imprisoned princess, did the little blue bird find some rest. The princess always had seeds to feed him, and petted him and cared for him as if he were the most important thing in her world. The little blue bird could not understand how she could care for him so much. After he had failed to rescue her, and now was trapped in this ridiculous form, how could she possibly have a place in her heart for him?

But she did. And with every day that passed, he became more eager for those precious moments in her company, yearned more for her hand to caress his feathers and for the warmth of her smile.

And the princess had plenty of reason to smile. After all, her stepmother's plan was working perfectly. She had promised she would have the prince eating out of her hand, and—voila—here he was, literally eating out of her hand. Wasn't life wonderful?

"What do you think?" The Princess asked as she and her stepmother sat in their whirl pool one afternoon, sipping fairy liquor and enjoying the warm water. "Is he ready?"

"Hm...." The stepmother wiggled her fingers thoughtfully. "Give it another two weeks."

"What, you think he isn't in love with me yet?"

"Of course he's in love with you! I just don't want to turn him back yet. I've got invitations to send out for your dad's throne jubilee, and without that little blue bird I'll have to write them all by hand and send them via courier."

"Oh. All right then, two weeks."

Two weeks later, the little blue bird landed on the windowsill of the princess's cell, completely exhausted. "D-do you have some s-something to eat?" he panted. "I've been delivering invitations all day! Someone must be throwing a really big party!"

"Oh, you poor, poor, thing. Here, have some peanuts."

"Th-thank you!"

The little blue bird picked at a few peanuts, and then, before he could finish them, collapsed on the floor.

"I don't know how much longer I can do this!" he groaned. "Do you have any idea how many people live in Fairyland? There are over two-hundred thousand in this enchanted kingdom alone! And they all for some reason want to send text messages to each other! And that's not counting the mermaids and dryads on the coast! Horrible gossips, the lot of them, and they all want to use my service, never mind that birds can't breathe under water! And the trolls...don't even get me started on the trolls! What am I going to do?"

Gently reaching out to touch him, the Princess said, "You could find a girl. A girl who would love you. A girl whose kiss would release you from the spell."

"Ha! Fat chance! Where on earth would I find a girl like that?"

Instead of answering, the princess bent down and pressed a gentle kiss on the little blue bird's beak. There was a flash, a smell of roasted turnips, and suddenly, there in front of her on the floor, lay Prince Faintly Charming, looking rather surprised at heaving arms again.

"You...you saved me."

"Yes, I rather think I did," the Princess said, conveniently forgetting her evil machinations for the moment. Who cared about such details anyway?

"And you're not fainting!"

"Quite true."

"My dream girl! Will you marry me?"

"Yes!"

"Thank you!" The Prince threw his arms around her and pulled her close. "You have made me the happiest prince charming in the world! Now if only were not locked in this sinister dungeon, doomed to languish in captivity forever and ev—!"

"Oh," the Princess interrupted with a little smile and reached into her pocket for the door key, "I think I can help with that."

Two hours later, the happy couple spoke their vows in front of the assembled royal family, and the happy—though slightly confused—prince found himself being hugged not only by his father-in-law and his bride, but also by the bride's stepmother, who didn't look nearly as wicked without her horns. They moved to Prince Faintly's Kingdom, where they established a retirement home for elderly birds, and lived happily ever after—except for the times when the Prince started spontaneously sprouting blue feathers. But nobody's life is perfect, right?

And the moral of the story is: incredibly important. In fact, it is so important that its importance has to be specially emphasized. It's a life-changing moral. An all-important moral. A moral so megafabulously moralistic that all other morals pale in comparison. And the moral is—

WARNING!

Too many characters. No more than 280 characters allowed for fairy tale morals.

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My dear Lords, Ladies and Tweety Birds,

This tale is based on the second part The Blue Bird, by Madame d'Aulnoy. I think you probably already guessed that, in the original, the blue bird did not carry text messages of 280 characters around the enchanted kingdom. That part is solely my own invention, and I have no clue where I got the inspiration for such an outlandish idea... ;-)

Plus, in the original the stepmother was actually evil and the Princess her captive. However, I liked the idea of a stepmother and stepdaughter conspiring to catch a prince. Particularly if he was so small, cute and feathery.

What do you think, should I do a feathery team-up between Darn and the Blue Bird some time in the future?

Yours Truly

Sir Rob, the official Fairyland feather duster