"Pare, nakita mo ba 'yong babae kanina sa plaza?" usisirong tanong sa akin ni Harold.

Babae?

I glanced at my friend.

"Who?"

Tumingin siya sa mga taong nakahilira sa may basketball court.

"The one who was wearing a pale pink dress?"

Pale pink?

Tinignan ko rin ang tinititigan niya. I saw the girl he was talking about.

"Then?" I asked.

Ibinalik ko ang paningin ko sa babaing tumatakbo kanina habang malawak na nakangiti. Mahaba ang kulot niyang buhok at itim na itim iyon. Hindi rin gaanong maputi ang balat niya.

Sa hula ko ay baka dahil iyon sa nakatira kami sa Isla kaya marahil ay gano'n ang kulay ng balat niya. But it wasn't that dark, it was tanned.

Nilingon ko ang kaibigan ko.

"Why'd you ask?"

Harold rubbed the back of his head. My lips twitched for a smirk.

"Maganda, hindi ba?"

Maganda? Well, I can't say no.

I only saw the side of her profile. She has this thin and pointed nose. Her lips are a bit thick but well-shaped. Medyo maliit din ang mukha niya. Pero kung tutuusin, maganda naman.

Hindi na lamang ako sumagot kay Harold. My eyes darted again to the girl he mentioned. Sa kurba ng mga labi niya habang masayang nakangiti ay nakakagaan sa pakiramdam. It was a feeling that it seems like taking off all of your worries for the day.

Napangiti ako sa sarili kong naisip.

What the fuck?! Are you fucking serious with that, Realtor?!

I shook my head multiple times.

Ngiti lang 'yan. It's only her smile. Fucking get yourself together, Realtor!

I thought we were only schoolmates, but we were actually classmates! Oh, man. Really.

Dahil iisa lang ang paaralang pinapasukan namin-ang room namin, ay palagi kong nakikita ang ngiti niyang 'yon. And I find myself taking glances at her in every time I got. Her smile was so life-living.

We were on our first year in high school when I noticed her being too close with the guys. O mas tamang tawagin na mga bakla. Hindi ko makuha kung bakit sobrang malapit siya sa mga bakla imbis na sa mga babae. I thought that maybe it was her preference. That's it.

Hindi nga ako nagkamali roon. Iyon nga talaga ang gusto niya. Lalo na sa bilang ko ay mahigit sa lima yata ang kaibigan niyang bakla.

That woman...

Ang panoorin siya sa loob ng eskwelahan namin ay kontento na ako. Ang magnakaw ng kahit isang sulyap sa kada araw ay masaya na ako. But we weren't friends yet. The thing that kind of piss for me.

I didn't get myself why I felt pissed with the fact that we weren't friends! Ang lakas lang kase makapagpainis! I wanted her to be friends with me but she couldn't see me! Dahil puro sa mga bakla lang nakatuon ang mga mata niya.

Naging magkaibigan lamang kami ni Raquel simula nang tumungtong na kami ng grade nine. We became friends to the point that we even talked about going in one place for college. I was okay with that. I was contented with that.

Dahil ang tagal ko rin hinintay na kaibiganin niya ako. That's why I was okay with us being friends then. I didn't asked for more aside from it.

She started sharing anything about her life. Nalaman ko roon na lumipat lang sila sa Navas at taga Maynila talaga sila. That her mother wasn't with them. At sobrang istrikto rin daw ng tatay niya.

Lahat ng tungkol sa kanya ay sinasabi niya sa akin. Even the smallest of all the smallest things, she would always told me that. At bilang kaibigan, masaya ako na nagsasabi siya sa akin ng tungkol sa buhay niya.

It was summer night when we went outing. Second year college na kami no'n. It was my birthday. Kaya naisipan namin ang magbakasyon kahit isang araw lang.

Ever since we became friends, she always thought about my birthdays. Hindi iyon lumipas kahit isang beses na wala siyang ibinibigay sa akin. But her presents were always her, cooking foods for me.

Hindi ko inakala no'n na may ibibigay siya sa akin. Kaya sobrang saya ko nang bigyan niya ako ng gitara. Kulay pula iyon. Ordinaryong gitara rin lang. It was so unlikely with the presents she gave me then. Because it was a guitar. Something that I can keep.

"Realtor?"

Tinignan ko si Raquel na nasa tabi ko.

"Bakit, Kel?"

"I'm sorry."

Sorry?

"Sorry? For what?"

"You don't need to know the reason why I am sorry. Gusto ko lang humingi ng sorry kahit hindi mo alam kung bakit."

Nagtaka ako no'n. Ngunit mas pinili ko pa rin ang ngumiti at tumango sa sinabi niya.

Hindi naman kase si Raquel ang tipo ng tao na hihingi ng tawad kung wala lang iyon. Kung laro-laro lang niya 'yon. Kaya hindi na ako nagsalita at nilaro na lang ang gitara na bigay niya.

I was parking my car at the parking lot of our university when I saw Raquel hugging Marco's back. Hindi ko alam kung bakit nakaramdam na naman ako ng inis sa baklang 'yon. Basta na lamang kumuyom ang mga kamao ko nang makita ko pang magtawanan sila.

Babaing 'yon talaga...

Gabi-gabi ko gustong sabihin kay Raquel na gusto ko siya. Na gusto ko siya hindi lang bilang kaibigan ko. Ngunit pinangungunahan ako ng takot at kaba na baka hindi kami pareho ng nararamdaman namin. I was fucking afraid to take that risk.

I didn't want to lose anything if it's about her. Ayaw kong may magbago kahit kaunti lang kung tungkol iyon sa kanya. Because I worked hard for it. I endured everything for us to be friends. But day after day with Raquel, I fell.

Denver and I agreed with that rotten idea. Dahil may kanya-kanya kaming rason kung bakit namin gagawin 'yon. And as for my case, it was because I wanted us to become closer. Kami ni Raquel.

Kung may ihihigit pa man ang lapit namin, ay iyon na ang gusto ko. It was so fucking hard seeing her too close with the other guys. It was a torture for me. The reason why I decided to have that agreement with Denver. The person whom Raquel mistaken as my boyfriend. Dahil bakla raw ako.

We did. Naging mas malapit pa kami kaysa noon. She became more comfortable with me. She could, sometimes, slept with my room at night when she wanted. Our relationship deepened than what it was before.

Kung ang pagpapanggap lang bilang isang taong hindi naman ako ang paraang alam ko para manatili sa tabi niya, gagawin ko. I was fucking more than willing to put myself at risk if it's because of our relationship. Damnit, I know. But what can I do? What am I supposed to do when I love my best friend? When I am in love with Raquel?

"Who do you think you are?"

Pakiramdam ko no'n ay hihimatayin ako sa kaba dahil sa ama niya. Raquel's father confronted me for living in one roof with his daughter.

"S-sir..."

Siya ang pangalawang rason kung bakit ako ganito. Kung bakit ako ginagapang ng kaba at takot. Dahil siya ang ama ng babaing mahal ko.

"I asked you. Sino ka ba sa tingin mo?" Mr. Traqueria's voice was so firm.

I heaved deeply and looked at him directly.

"Realtor Nicolas Castillo, sir."

Tinitigan niya ako nang matapos kong sabihin ang pangalan ko.

"Castillo?"

"Yes, sir."

"Are you, perhaps, related to the Castillo's Clan?"

"I am, sir. The first born of Eulalia and Benedict Castillo."

"Hmmm... Hindi kita gusto."

I was a prideful man. But it was Raquel. Ikinuyom ko ang mga kamao ko sa likod ko. I need to be strain.

"My bad, sir. But I don't like you either."

Nginisihan ako ng ama niya.

"Then we are clear. Better stick with your words, Mr. Castillo."

Pretending for so long wasn't funny. It wasn't easy. Pakiramdam ko ay sinasakal ako sa tuwing wala sa paningin ko si Raquel. Ngunit pakiramdam ko rin ay nakakahinga ako ng maluwag sa tuwing hindi siya hagip ng mga mata ko.

Galit ako kay Dwight. I was mad with that asshole because Raquel's father like him. He like him to be Raquel's boyfriend. Unlike me. Hindi kagaya ko na kahit ang lumapit nga ay pinagbabawalan pa ako.

It was so fucking unfair for me. Dahil hindi lang naman si Dwight ang may gusto sa anak niya. Kaya bakit ako bawal at si Dwight ay hindi?

We weren't enemies. Kami ni Dwight. Sadyang ayaw ko lang sa kanya dahil kay Raquel. Dahil alam ko rin na gusto niya ang babaing gusto ko. I wasn't dumb nor numb to didn't knew what was his really want. Lalaki rin akong kagaya niya, I know he likes my girl.

I wasn't expecting for Raquel to find out yet. Because it wasn't easy to accept her rejection. I wasn't fucking ready.

Akala ko ay aayaw siya. Akala ko ay magagalit siya ng sobra. Na hindi niya ako patatawarin ng gano'n lang kadali. But knowing how she accepted my pretentions, I was happy. It was my happiness.

But my world crumbled into tiny pieces when I woke up without Raquel's shadow. Nang magising ako kinaumagahan na wala na siya sa Navas. I felt like I was lost. Like I lost my own self because she left.

Pakiramdam ko no'n ay wala na ako. That I don't want to live anymore because she left me. Na umalis siya sa Navas na kahit isang salita ay wala siyang iniwan sa akin. That she only left me lying on my bed cluelessly.

Hindi ko alam kung paano ako magpapatuloy. Kung paano ko haharapin ang bukas na wala na siya. When every corner of the place I was staying reminded me of her existence.

I was furious and livid because of Mama. Galit na galit ako na pakiramdam ko ay masasaktan ko kahit ang sarili ko pang ina. I was so mad that I hated my mother for years.

Gayung hindi ko naman sinabi sa kanya ang tungkol kay Raquel. I didn't even asked her about Raquel for her to decide about my life.

"What the fuck did you do, Mama?!" malakas na sigaw ko dahil sa galit ko kay Mama.

"Stop yelling, anak. Please..."

"Mama, naman! I didn't tell you to do that!"

"Realtor, anak... Tama na..."

"Fuck! Fuck this life!"

"Anak, tama na. Huwag kang sumigaw. Please..."

"Bakit mo kase ginawa 'yon, Mama?!"

I throw the jar that was on the table. Sumigaw si Mama at tinakpan ang mga tainga niya. I didn't mind my mother because I was so mad. Hindi ko magawang tignan si Mama ng hindi nagagalit.

Sinampal ako ni Mama. Umawang ang bibig ko sa lakas ng sampal niya. Ngunit galit na galit ako para isipin pa ang sakit no'n. I was so fucking furious that I didn't think about it. It couldn't be compare to the pain I felt in my heart. Walang-wala iyon.

"I did it because I don't want you to be cheated!" my mother said after slapping me.

W-wait- to be what?

"Anak, naman, her mother cheated on her father! Ano ang gusto mong gawin ko?! I don't want my child to experience that way!"

"It's not Raquel! It's not fucking her, Mama!"

"Pareho lang 'yon! Kahit... kahit kailan hindi magbubunga ng santol ang mangga, Realtor!"

"Potangina! Potangina, Mama!"

"Realtor, ano ba?! Stop it, anak. Please... Tumigil ka na..."

"Mahal ko 'yon, eh! Mahal ko 'yon, Ma..."

I cried. I was crying like a baby.

Hindi ko magawang tanggapin na iniwan ako ni Raquel dahil kay Mama. I couldn't process everything that was happening because of my mother's doing.

Mahal na mahal ko siya. I was damn in love with Raquel that I feel like I was dying because she left me. That I was becoming a madman because I couldn't see her. I couldn't touch her.

Ginawa ko ang lahat para hanapin siya. I contacted Dwight. I even swallowed my damn pride just so I can find her. And I did.

Nakita ko siyang nakatanaw sa alon ng mga tao sa Maynila. She was sitting at the park while watching the people passing by. Lalapitan ko sana siya ngunit hindi ko ginawa. I restrained myself from going near her because I thought she wouldn't like it.

I contented myself in sending messages on her anonymously. It was because of Dwight. Dahil sa kanya ay nalaman ko ang numero niya. Kaya ko iyon nagagawa. I was sending her every night the total of the days from the day she left me. I did it all.

Dahil si Raquel iyon. Kaya ginagawa ko.

If drowning with her is given as a choice, there is no way in hell that I will choose it. But if drowning on her is also given, I'd drown myself helplessly with and without flowing.

Ang buhay na kasama si Raquel, buhay 'yon na hindi ko inisip. Uri ng buhay na kahit kailan ay hindi ko nakita. Noon.

"Realtor!"

I saw her running her way towards me. Agad akong ginapang ng kaba nang makita ko siyang tumatakbo.

"Oh, damnit."

She stopped when she's in front of me. Napahilamos ako sa mukha ko gamit ang mga palad ko.

"Baby..."

She did puppy eyes.

Oh, stop it, Kel. Mahina ako sa ganyan mo.

"Yes?" she even pouted!

Kinabig ko siya papalapit sa akin. Napahawak siya sa dibdib ko. She raised her brows at me. Sumeryuso ako at hinawakan ang tiyan niya. Nanlaki ang bilugan niyang mga mata at umawang ang mga labi niya.

"Please... Please, be careful, Kel..."

"Oh! I'm sorry. Hindi ko na uulitin,"

Napangiti ako sa sinabi niya.

"Baka may laman na 'yan, eh,"

She smiled. "You're really excited, huh?"

Kinagat ko ang ibabang labi ko.

"Damn, excited."

Tumingala siya sa akin. Nakangiti pa ring nakatingin sa mukha ko.

"What are you thinking? Hmmm?" I asked.

Tinuro niya ang mga labi ko. Napangisi ako.

"Why? You want..." Inginuso ko ang mga labi ko. "These...?"

Mas lalo akong napangisi nang tumango siya sa naging tanong ko. Ngunit agad nabura 'yon nang maramdaman ko ang palad niya sa ibabaw ng suot kong pantalon.

Fuck!

My pants suddenly tightened when I felt her hands above my length.

"B-baby, s-stop it," mabibigat ang hiningang sabi ko.

Tinawanan niya lang ako bago humilig sa balikat ko.

"I love you,"

"I love you too."

I never imagined doing silly things for a woman, but if it's her, I will do it countlessly. I will be putting myself in shame regardless of the consequences it has. I am willing to create our ocean for us to be drown together. Without any rope, hand and tears to save us unless it's ourselves. Except for the both of us.

Dahil ang luha na wala siya, ay hindi ko gugustuhin kahit na kailan. Hindi ko kikilalanin bilang luha kung hindi iyon siya. Dahil para sa akin, wala iyong halaga.

Maybe my life isn't this worth living if it isn't because of Raquel. If I didn't have her in my life, it isn't life anymore. Raquel is the only woman I am willing to be drowned into. Because with her, I learned on how to keep going. Yet, I didn't learn on how to flow in the midst of sinking.

Raquel is the tears that I wanted to shed endlessly. Because her hurt is my tears, and my tears is her love.

Ang luha namin ay siyang pag-ibig namin...