I'm just staring at Realtor right now. I'm still processing the words he said earlier. I admit that his words confuses me so much. That I do have bullshit ideas.

Ano ba kase ang ibig mong sabihin doon, ha, bakla? I asked inside my head.

He glanced at me. Kumunot ang noo niya nang mapansing nakatitig lamang ako sa kanya.

"What?" kunot noong tanong niya.

I leaned my arms on the table while staring at him. I bit my lower lip unconsciously and pouted. Kita ko kung paano niya sundan ng tingin ang labi ko.

Hmm...

"In any case, Realtor..." panimula ko.

"Bakit ba?" He rolled his eyes. I laughed.

This gay in front of me acting so strange. But I like it. Pakiramdam ko ay nagsisimula na rin siyang makita ako. Not as his friend, but as a girl.

"Ahmm, s-should I date Dwight?" I asked instead.

What the heck was that?!

I was about to asked him if he's jealous about Dwight but those words left my mouth without even realizing it!

Pero... What if I do date him? Dwight likes me. Gusto rin siya ni papa kaya bakit hindi ko subukan? Gayung malabo naman na magustuhan ako ni Realtor.

It's not a bad idea at all. Hindi naman porque susubukan ko, ay doon na ang hantong ko. Realtor has Denver. Kaya dapat lamang na haya-

"Nang-iinis ka ba, Raquel?" biglang tanong niya.

"Ha?" nakangangang tanong ko rin.

"Tsk. Huwag mo akong kausapin ngayon."

What's with him?

"Ano ba ang sinabi ko at parang naiinis ka yata?" I asked him.

He just looked at me for about a couple of minute before he stood up leaving me on the table alone. Sinundan ko siya ng tingin hanggang sa makapasok siya sa kwarto niya.

Tumayo na lang din ako at bumaba. Dumiretso ako ng tungo sa kusina at kumuha ng plato. I didn't eat yet. Kaya gutom na ako.

I was eating all alone when a thought interrupted me.

Ilang taon na lang at matatapos na ako sa pag-aaral ko. I wonder if I could be able to do what I want if I finished my study. Kung sa panahon bang iyon ay palalayain na ako ni papa?

I am sick of hearing his words since then. Napapagod na rin akong saluhin ang galit ni papa. But I couldn't do anything about it. I don't want to feel the guilt and conscience his making me feel right now.

Even though he don't want me to study, I still did it. Dahil iyon lang ang paraan na alam ko para makalaya kay papa. So I can live my life alone without minding what would he feel.

My mother left us because of me. Ngunit hindi iyon ipiniramdam sa akin ni mama. Hindi niya kahit kailan ipinaramdam sa akin sa kasalan ko iyon. She always said that it is because I am her daughter. She did it because I am her precious treasure.

I want papa to see me the way mama did. Gusto ko rin ang maramdaman na anak niya ako. Na mahalaga rin ako kay papa bilang anak niya.

Tinapos ko ang kinakain ko at dumiretso na papunta sa kwarto ko. I want to take some rest. Masiyado akong pagod sa araw na ito. From papa, Dwight and Realtor. All of them gives me confusion of what should I do. Lahat na lang sila.

I woke up the next day with my head's aching. Mainit din ang pakiramdam ko na parang nilalamig. I guess it was all because of what happened yesterday. Marahil ay dahil sa sobrang pagod ko.

"Realtor?"

"Realtor...?"

I was a bit dizzy. Ngunit lumabas pa rin ako sa kwarto ko at nagtungo sa sala.

"Realtor?" muling pagtawag ko.

But to my luck, no one answered me. Maybe he already went to university earlier than I woke up.

Hawak-hawak ang ulo ko ay nagtungo ako sa kusina at nagtimpla ng kape. I was stirring my coffee when I heard my phone ringed. Kinapa ko iyon sa bulsa ng shorts ko.

Basta ko na lamang sinagot ang tawag nang hindi tinitigan kung sino iyon.

"Bakit?" malat ang boses na tanong ko.

I waited the caller to talked. Ngunit lumipas na ang ilang minuto ay wala pa rin. Mabuti na lamang at nagsalita rin iyon makalipas pa ang ilang segundo.

"Your voice. Bakit ganyan 'yan? Are you okay?" I heard from the other line.

Umupo ako sa upuang naroon bago muling magsalita.

"Hmmm, sino 'to?" I asked again.

"Where are you?" Bagkus ay sagot niya sa tawag ko.

"Psh, I'm asking who's this? Huwag kang makulit at masakit ang ulo ko, puwedi ba?" I said.

I heard the person from the other line heaved deeply. Napakunot ako ng noo ko.

"Sino ka b—"

"Dwight," he shut me off.

When I heard the name he mentioned, I immediately checked the number of the caller. It was really Dwight.

"I see..." nasabi ko na lamang.

"Are you okay, Kel?" tanong na naman niya.

"Oo naman. Sige na, I'll hang up the phone now. Bye," I ended the call.

Matapos kong patayin ang tawag ay dali-dali akong bumalik sa kwarto ko bitbit ang kaping tinimpla ko. Iniwan ko na rin ang selpon ko sa lamesa. I don't want to answer any call.

After I finished drinking my coffee, ay agad na akong natulog. Sobrang ginaw ng pakiramdam ko kaya doble-doble ang gamit kong kumot.

I was sleeping when I felt a hand tapping my face. Umungot ako.

"Raquel..." Dinig kong tawag sa akin.

I didn't mind it and just changed my position. Tumalikod ako mula sa taong iyon at muling pumikit.

"Raquel, drink this meds first. Come on,"

"Ayoko ko, inaantok ako..."

"Drink this, Raquel, ano ba?" seryosong utos ng kung sino.

I opened my eyes slowly to check who was it. And to my horror, I saw Dwight looking at me blankly.

"D-Dwight..." mahinang banggit ko sa kanyang pangalan.

"Don't speak. Just drink this meds and eat before you go back to sleep. Okay?"

"Hmmm..."

I did what he told me. Ininom ko muna ang gamot na dala niya at kumain. Matapos kong makakain ay agad din akong humiga.

Dwight checked my forehead. I saw his jaw tightened after touching me there.

"Mainit ka. Go back to sleep. Pupunasan na lang kita maya-maya," tumango na lamang ako at pumikit.

I didn't know what happened next. Dahil nagising ulit ako na mag-isa sa kwarto ko. I was feeling a bit better compared earlier. Hindi na rin ako masiyadong nilalamig.

Tumayo ako mula sa kama at kumuha ng damit sa kabinet. I changed my clothes in the bathroom inside my room. It was a pair of purple pajamas.

Itinali ko ang buhok ko at nag-toothbrush. Lumabas ako ng kwarto ko. I was heading my way to the kitchen when I saw shadow of the man near the gate. Kaya imbis na dumiretso sa kusina ay nagtungo ako palabas.

Nasa malapit na ako sa may puno na malapit sa gate ng apartment namin nang marinig kong may magsalita.

"You left her here, Realtor."

Dinig ko ang diin sa bawat salita no'n.

"Yes, I did. But who the hell gave you the permission to enter our apartment, huh?"

"No one."

"You're moving at my back, asshole."

Narinig kong may humalakhak.

"I only care for her, man. Hindi kagaya mo."

"What the fuck. You think that I didn't care for her, really?!"

"Yes. You know what, she told me something yesterday. But I don't want to tell you was what it. Better try to figure it out yourself."

I didn't hear anything for minutes after it. Kaya akmang aalis na ako nang bigla kong marinig kung ano ang sinabi niya.

"Funny how she think that I'm really a gay..."

I froze.

"We've been friends. But not even in my dream happened that she thought of me being a man..."

W-what was it all about? W-what is he saying?!

"She always see me as a gay who's fucking in love with boys. She always did." I can hear the bitterness of his voice when he said it.

Pakiramdam ko ay bigla akong pinukpok sa ulo ko nang marinig ko iyon. I'm sure that it was Realtor who's talking. It was his voice.

"Why don't you tell her?"

"You fucking know that I can't, Dwight. Not because I don't want to tell her but because I simply can't."

"Fuck you, Realtor."

"I know. I'm really fuck up."

"You don't know what she feels. Kaya bakit hindi mo aminin na hindi ka baklang, gago ka?"

I heard silence. But when I heard his answer, my tear suddenly fell from my eyes.

"I want her to stay with me..."

R-Realtor...

"She'll stay. I'm sure with that."

"Years of pretending that I'm a fucking gay, nakakabaliw na. I only want Raquel to stay with me. The reason why I pretended being gay. Dahil sa bakla siya malapit at hindi sa lalaki."

"You're in a shit, man. You've been fucked up since then."

"Alam ko 'yan, gago!"

I fixed myself and walked as fast as I can. Binilisan ko ang lakad ko pabalik sa loob ng apartment. My heart was beating so fast that I can even hear the sound of it.

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang mararamdaman ko. Kung ang mainis dahil itinago niya o ang matuwa dahil sa ideyang gusto niya akong manatili kaya niya iyon itinago? I just don't know.