They say that we couldn't force someone to take care of our feelings. That we couldn't force them to sort everything for our sake. And that, we couldn't push them to sink deeper than they supposed to be.

I never learned on how to swim. Not because I didn't got the chance to, but I was fearful. Hindi ko iyon napag-aralan kahit lumaki na rin ako sa lugar na puro isla at talon. Dahil kahit noon, takot na ako sa salitang malunod. I was so scared with the idea of drowning. Sinking without a hand that will lift you from sinking continuously. A hand that will hold you.

Hindi ko alam kung saan ako lulugar sa tatlong 'yon. Kung kailangan pa nga bang pumili ako sa isa sa mga iyon. But the thing I know is that, I am the lucky one.

I prayed lot of times for him to see me. I did things that I shouldn't be doing. I endured every pain that he caused on me. I was contented and happy that I had the time to be with him. Silently, I love him that way.

Sa mga taon na nakasama ko siya ay hindi ko alam kung paano ko iyon ipapaliwanag. Kung paano ko iyon tatawagin. Because I couldn't even name even a single thing about it except love.

Maliban sa mga salitang mahal ko siya.

Minahal ko siya sa kabila ng kaalamang hindi siya buo. I accepted my feelings for him because I know it was rare. Ngunit hindi rin lang dahil sa dahilang iyon. Not just because it's rare. But because it's a feeling.

Lumaki ako sa puder ni Papa. I grow up knowing how my father hated my name and my being. Not because I was the reason behind his wrath. But because he felt betrayed. He felt cheated.

Doon ko nalaman kung gaano kahalaga ang damdamin. Ang pagmamahal. Because I suffered too much because of that. Sinalo ko ang bagay na hindi naman dapat ay sa akin. Just because her name was carved on my being, I took the blame that instead for her. Sa ina ko.

Kaya hindi ko ni minsan naisip ang malunod hindi sa tubig kung hindi sa tao. I never imagined sinking. I never imagined drowning in the container full of water. Yet, I never expected flowing helplessly on the ocean of his love.

I drowned. I sank. Still drowning. And then, still sinking.

"Baby?"

Napalingon ako sa likuran ko nang marinig ko ang mahinang tinig niyang iyon.

He was holding a book on his right hand and a tray of juice on his left hand. He was wearing a reading glasses that made him look manly and sexy.

He walked his way towards me. Inilagay niya muna ang tray na hawak niya sa balcony bago lumapit sa akin at yakapin ako mula sa likuran. Awtomatiko akong napangiti nang maamoy ko ang pamilyar na amoy niya.

I leaned on his chest.

"Is it really okay that you are here?" bulong na tanong ko.

"Of course. I want to be with you, Raquel," he replied.

Pumikit ako at ngumiti sa naging sagot niya.

Ito ang pakiramdam na alam kong kahit kailan ay hindi ko ipagpapalit. That I will treasure it my whole life. Even if it takes everything.

"Hmmm, you know that I love you, right?"

Gumalaw siya sa likod ko. He leaned his chin on my head as his hold tightened around my waist.

Inamoy-amoy niya ang buhok ko.

"I know..." It's a relief. Knowing that he knew that I love him, it's a total relief for me.

"Do you want to take me, Realtor?"

"No."

"Ayaw mo?"

"Yeah. Ayaw ko, Raquel."

Hindi na lamang ako umimik. Maybe his thinking the other thing. But that's not what I meant. It's not what I'm talking.

"I won't touch you again unless where married, baby."

Pakiramdam ko ay tumigil sa pagpintig ang puso ko. I wasn't expecting him to say it now. Dahil katatanong ko lang sa kanya ngayon-ngayon lang. But he gave me an answer that he don't want.

"Realtor..."

"Magpatali ka muna sa akin, Raquel. Gagalawin kita kahit sigu-segundo pa."

Dahan-dahan akong pumihit paharap sa kanya. Lumuwag ang pagkakahawak niya sa akin ngunit hindi niya inalis ang kamay niya roon.

Tumingala ako upang magpantay ang paningin namin. I saw his eyes burning not because of lust. But it was because of seriousness and sincerity.

"Marry me, Raquel. I'm begging you. Please marry me."

I felt my eyes sting a little because of his words. I didn't feel my heart flipped because of nervousness. Instead, I felt my inside crying because of happiness.

Ipinalibot ko ang mga braso ko sa katawan niya. Mahigit ko siyang niyakap. I was fighting myself not to cry but my eyes betrayed me shamelessly. Nag-unahan sa pagtulo ang mga luha ko pababa sa mga pisngi ko habang nakayakap ako sa kanya.

"W-why are you begging, huh?"

I hit his chest.

"Baby..."

I hit his chest again.

"Bakit ka naman magmamakaawa para lang diyan? Pakakasalan naman kita kahit wala 'yan, eh..."

Kung may ihihigpit man ang yakap niya sa akin ay baka nga humigpit pa iyon. His hug was so tight but not to the point that I couldn't even breath.

"I love you," he whispered.

I was crying silently and smiling while hugging him. I just couldn't hide the happiness I felt because of him.

I really love him. I do.

Kung hindi dahil kay Realtor ay hindi ko alam kung ano ako ngayon. Kung hindi iyon dahil sa mahal ko siya ay marahil wala ako sa Navas. Baka nga hindi ako masaya ngayon kung hindi siya 'yon.

Living a life with Realtor on it, I'm at peace. Tahimik at payapa ang puso ko. Maligaya higit sa masaya ang buhay ko.

Realtor isn't just a man. Because his my man. I mistaken him as a gay then, but despite of knowing that kind of fact, I still find myself continuously drowning on him. I can still find myself loving him without a shame that I love him. Because it's him. He's Realtor.

And I still couldn't figure out a life without even his shadow. I still couldn't create a memory without his presence. Because I still can't find myself getting use of his absence. I still long for him. I still want the kind of comfort I found only to him. I still want the kind of peace with him. I still want myself drowning endlessly if it's him.

In a life where there are lot of twists that can be happening, the kind of twist where I love him will remain the best. It'll outstand.