Song: Read your Mind - Sabrina Carpenter

Bothered

"Hmm...blooming ka ata?" Puna ni Jana habang sinisimsim niya ang kanyang kape.

Napatigil ako sa pagsusulat sa aking iPad nang dahil sa sinabi niya. Hindi ko pa alam kung ano ang isasagot ko dahil 'di ko naman iyon napapansin?

I'm blooming? How? I've been so stressed out lately because our Org is busy organizing an event. Sumabay pa ang quizzes at nalalapit naming exam kaya 'di ko na napapansin pa kung ano na ang itsura ko.

"You don't know? Curious nga ako kasi sa rami nang ginagawa mo, ang blooming mo pa rin. Baka may boyfriend ka na at 'di mo lang sinasabi sa akin?"

Ngumuso siya at umaktong parang nagtatampo. Natawa ako bahagya at saka umiling.

"No, Jana. It might be the skin care products that I use."

"I don't think a skin care product is enough to achieve that glow. Are you happy lately?"

"I'm always happy, Jana."

"No, I mean...a different kind of happy? Happiness that you've never felt before?"

I thought about her question. I don't even know how to describe what I'm feeling right now. I don't know that you can even differentiate happiness.

"I feel satisfied with what's happening in my life right now. That's all I can feel."

"Satisfied din naman ako sa buhay ko ah? Why can't I be that blooming?" Binaba niya ang tasa ng kape at saka humalukipkip.

I scoff. "You're already blooming, Jana. I don't even know what you're talking about."

"I'm just curious, Theia. You just seem...different. Be honest with me. Did you meet someone?"

Nagulat ako sa sinabi niya.

"Paano ako makaka-meet kung hindi naman ako masyadong lumalabas?"

Jana rolled her eyes. "Nung bumalik ka sa inyo? Wala? Maybe you kept in touch with someone that's why you look different lately?"

Sandali akong natigilan sa tanong niya. Well, I really did kept in touch with someone back home but should I even tell her about him? Wala namang namamagitan sa amin maliban na lang na alam kong gusto niya ako.

I'm not even the type to assume but I feel like he's purposely making me feel that he likes me. He's just really terrible at making advances but I'm not numb not to feel it.

Kahit na alam ko na 'yon, 'di ko pa rin magawang matanong sa kanya kung ano ang nagustohan niya sa akin. I tried to recall all the times I've spent with him and there's nothing even that memorable except for that time when we went to Mt. Vilan.

And as far as I can remember, hindi naging maganda ang unang pagkikita namin. Hindi ko rin siya gaanong kinakausap nung umpisa at naiirita pa ako sa kanya kaya hindi ko alam kung ano ang nagtulak sa kanya na magkagusto sa akin?

Oh! Now that I know...maybe that's the reason why he winked at me during that basketball game! I knew it! Kahit pa sabihin niyang napuwing lang siya, alam kong sinasadya niyang gawin 'yon.

"Well...yeah...there's—"

Naputol ang sinabi ko nang suminghap ng malakas si Jana. I was surprised and noticed that the people inside the café were surprised with her gasp as well.

Umusong siya sa dulo ng kanyang upuan at lumapit sa akin para mas madinig niya ang sasabihin.

"What?! You have? Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because nothing is going on between us. He's just a friend back home. Siya ang tumutulong sa akin noong may inaasikaso ako. Siya rin ang nag-u-update sa akin tungkol kay Catalina."

"Really? So, he's just like an assistant or something?"

"Assistant? I wouldn't say that. But I talk to him often lately. He's nice."

Namilog ang mga mata niya. Tinuro niya ako na para bang may napagtanto siyang napaka laking bagay.

"You talk often?! Theia, I feel like he's the reason why you're blooming! Gosh!"

Jana clapped her hands because of excitement. While I creased my forehead, confused at her assumption.

"What were you talking about then? Baka naman nanliligaw na pero pakiramdam mo lang hindi?"

"Huh? Walang nangyayaring gano'n! We only talk about some random stuff, Jana. Hindi rin naman kami araw-araw nag-uusap dahil parehas kaming busy. I don't think he's the reason why. It's really just because I feel satisfied with things lately."

Nanliit ang mga mata niya, mukhang hindi pa rin kumbinsido sa paliwanag ko. She really wants to push that it's because of Primo. I mean...yeah, it's fun talking to him but I don't think that's enough to make me "blooming" according to her.

Napailing na lang ako at binalik muli ang tingin sa iPad kahit na naninimbang pa rin ang tingin niya sa akin. She was really curious about Primo that she didn't stop on asking me while we were on our way home.

Siya ang nagda-drive para sa amin. Minsan nga pakiramdam ko mas focused pa siya sa pagtatanong sa akin kaysa sa pagmamaneho, e.

"He's nice, that's all I could say," I said for the nth time.

"Just that?! I mean, if you've kept in touch with him for a while now siguro naman may napansin ka nang iba sa kanya maliban sa pagiging nice?"

"He's funny...and he updates me about Catalina which I like because my sister would never."

Jana rolled her eyes. Sakto naman na nasa stop light kami kaya nagkaroon siya ng pagkakataon na harapin ako.

"Baka naman umiikot na lang ang usapan n'yo palagi kay Cat? Maybe the guy is hoping you'll talk about something else!"

My forehead creased. "His first messages are usually about his updates. Siya naman ang may kasalanan kung bakit halos si Catalina ang napapag-usapan namin."

"Maybe he doesn't want you to feel uncomfortable if you talk about something else? Why don't you try and initiate the conversation?"

"What? No, I won't do that!"

"Why not?"

Sakto naman at nag-green light na kaya nawala na rin ang tingin ni Jana sa akin. I shrugged my shoulders.

"Theia, I know you don't have many experiences with this but it's normal for a woman to make a move nowadays, you know?"

"Jana, I'm too busy with my life. I don't have the time for complications."

Ngumuso siya, mukhang disappointed na 'di ko mabibigay iyong fantasy na maaaring namumuo na sa isipan niya ngayon.

Alam kong ako naman ang nag-initiate na ibigay ang number kay Primo. I did that not thinking that I'm going to get something in return. That we're going to build something deeper than what we have now.

He wanted to keep in touch. I gave him that. Sa tingin ko hanggang doon na lang 'yon.

Kaso...

It's been a week since he last messaged me. I wonder what's keeping him busy nowadays. He never missed a chance to message me so I wonder why it's already been a week and I still haven't heard from him.

I don't even know why it's bothering me. I shouldn't even think about this. I only have a few days before my exams, so I should be thinking about that!

Iyong event ng Org namin, dapat mas iniisip ko pa 'yun kaysa rito. I should make sure that everything's polished so I can ensure its success.

I groaned and tried to focus on my notes. I should be more bothered by the fact that I need to maintain a good rating so I can graduate with honors.

Pero paano naman mangyayari 'yun kung mas iniisip ko pa kung bakit isang linggo nang walang text si Primo sa akin?!

This is crazy! It didn't bother me when I noticed that he didn't text me for two days. My life still went perfectly fine. Pero bakit ngayong isang linggo na, para akong mababaliw kakaisip kung ano kaya ang maaaring rason?

Is he busy with school?

Is he busy with work?

Did something happen to his mom?

The last question made me uneasy. Maaari iyong dahilan kung bakit hanggang ngayon ay hindi siya nagpaparamdam. He usually tells me whenever he gets busy with work or school. But this time...I got nothing from him.

This is why I don't want complications! Nakakasira lang ng plano! I should be focusing on my goals. But here I am...bothered by the fact that this guy hasn't messaged me for a week!

At dahil hindi ko na kayang mas ito pa ang iniisip ko kaysa sa mga lessons na binabasa ko, pumikit ako at sinubukang i-relax ang sarili para mawala ang lahat ng iniisip ko.

Maybe the best way for this to stop is to finally ask him what's up. I know I told Jana that I will never initiate a conversation with Primo, but this one is different. It's bothering me so much!

Yes, Theia, that's right. Baka sa oras na gawin mo ang bagay na gumugulo sa isipan mo ay tumigil na rin ito.

I reached for my phone and went over to Primo and I's messages. Ang last text pa ay siya. He just said good night and after that...it's nothing.

Maybe it's because I don't reply often that's why he got tired of messaging me.

Pakiramdam niya ba na parang wala na lang palagi mapapagtutunguhan ang usapan namin ay dahil madalang din naman ako mag-reply?

Is what I'm feeling right now the same to what he's feeling when I don't reply to his texts? Sa tingin niya ba nag-aaksaya na lang siya ng panahon?

Is this a payback?!

I shake my head. No, I don't think Primo is the type of person to do that. Ang petty niya naman kung ganoon.

Kahit na hindi pa sigurado sa gagawin ay nagtipa na ako ng mensahe para sa kanya.

Me:

Are you okay?

I immediately put my phone down when I sent the message. I don't expect him to reply right away that's why I went back to my notes and acted as if nothing had happened.

I tried to focus again. Sinubukan kong magbasa kahit kaunti pero sa tuwing susubukan ko ay lumilipad lang din ang isip ko sa ibang bagay.

I rolled my eyes. Kung alam ko lang na magiging ganito ang dulot sa akin ng pagbigay ko ng number ko kay Primo ay sana 'di ko na ginawa! This is just a distraction!

I almost jumped from my seat when my phone beeped. Dali-dali kong inabot ang cellphone ko, medyo umaasa na galing iyon kay Primo. Iyon na ata ang pinaka mabilis kong pagbukas ng cellphone.

Kaya naman nang makita kong galing lang pala ito sa isang member sa Org...agad na bumagsak ang balikat ko sa pagkadismaya.

What the hell is happening to you, Antheia?! This isn't you!

The message consists of updates for the event. May sinend din siyang files para i-double check ko bago namin ipa-approve sa adviser.

Halos ibato ko na ang cellphone palayo sa akin sa inis.

"Why is this bothering you so much, Theia?!" I asked myself. "You lived your life not replying to other people tapos ngayon..."

I groaned in frustration. At dahil alam kong imposible na rin na makapag-focus pa ako sa pagre-review, napagdesisyonan ko na sa labas na lang mag-aral.

Mas mababaliw ata ako kung hindi ko rin aalisin sa isip ko ang bumabagabag sa akin. I need to clear my mind and chill somewhere else.

Um-oo naman agad si Jana nang ayain ko siya sa coffee shop na madalas naming puntahan. It indeed helped me focus on my review more. Jana was a great help to focus my mind on something else dahil nagtutulungan kami sa pagre-review.

Kaya naman sa mga sumunod na araw, parang wala na lang sa akin iyong nangyari. It did not bother me anymore that he isn't texting me.

Maybe he already got bored. Na-realize niya rin siguro na wala ring kwenta kung text siya nang text dahil hindi rin naman ako madalas mag-reply.

That's good though. At least we won't be wasting time anymore. Kung hindi na siya magte-text pa, edi hindi.

The night before my exam, I received a call from Mama.

"Theia, how are you? Have you been doing well, sweetheart?"

"Yes, Mama. Thanks for asking. I'm preparing right now for my exams tomorrow."

"I see. You must be busy. I won't take so much of your time but I just want to ask..."

Napaayos ako ng tayo nang dahil doon. "What is it, Mama?"

"Your father's birthday is coming up. We're thinking of throwing a celebration for him. We'll invite our relatives and friends. It would be nice if you can come here, too..."

I thought about it. Taon-taon naghahanda si Papa para sa kanyang kaarawan. It will always be a grand party for him. Palagi ring madaming dumadalo kaya sigurado akong ganoon pa rin ang mangyayari ngayon.

It's not his birthday if he won't do something grand. And of course, Mama is always behind it.

May iilan na akong nakaligtaan na birthdays ni Papa gawa nang abala palagi sa school. Minsan sumasakto pa na may conference na kailangan attend-an sa ibang bansa.

I look into my schedule after the exam and the event. It's a coincidence that we'll be having a week's break from school after those. I could fly back home immediately after the event.

I also have a few days to spare before and after his birthday so I think it could also be an opportunity to ask Primo what happened and why he is not texting me any more.

Wait...what?!

I won't come home for that! What was I even thinking?!

I should use that one-week break to study our company again! Not take that opportunity to ask him!

I sighed heavily before I answer my mother.

"Yes, Ma. I will come home."

"Really? That's great! We'll be complete again for his birthday!" I could immediately feel the excitement in her voice.

"I can fly back home immediately after the event our Org prepared."

"Okay, I'll tell my secretary to book you a flight on that day. Are you sure it's okay for you to come home immediately? Ayaw mo ba muna na magpahinga at ipasa bukas na lang ang pag-uwi?"

"It's alright, Mama. I can just rest on the plane."

"Okay, sweetheart. Thanks for answering the call. I know you're busy. Good luck with your exams tomorrow! Tell Mama if you need something, okay?"

The side of my lips rose for a small smile.

"Yes, Mama. Thank you."

"I love you! Please take care."

"I will. Thanks, Ma. Love you."

We immediately ended the call after that. I sighed heavily.

I guess I'm coming home again...