Song: you! - LANY

In love

I snapped out of my senses when Jana suddenly appeared in front of me. I hid my phone under the table to focus my attention on her.

"Tutok na tutok diyan ah? He's got a new phone?" Tanong niya.

Ngumiti ako at saka tumango. Ever since Primo bought a new phone, we've been messaging each other non-stop. I feel like it's already been part of my routine to message him every morning and every night.

Iyon din daw agad ang una niyang ginawa nang makabili siya ng bago. He didn't even bother to install apps first. The first thing he did was to let me know.

"Gosh! I still can't believe that you're talking to someone na. I honestly thought you'll have your first relationship here in Manila. But I was wrong! Now I know you prefer men back in your hometown."

"There are a lot of good looking men in my hometown."

Jana's eyes lit up. She even moved her body closer to the table as if she's really into the conversation now.

"Really? Bakit 'di mo kaya ako iuwi riyan sa inyo nang mapatunayan ko?" She challenged me. Napailing ako at natawa.

Totoo naman din kasi ang sinabi ko. Besides Primo, the next man I can think of who is good looking is Ali. Pero biglang sumasagi sa isip ko si Catalina kaya hindi ko rin sinabi kay Jana ang tungkol sa kanya. I just told her that men back home are hard working and sporty. Her typical types.

She clapped her hands. "Okay! On my next vacation, I'll book a flight to your hometown."

"You don't have to. I'll bring you with me."

She gasped. Hindi makapaniwala niya akong tiningnan. My parents don't mind if I bring her with me the next time I come home. Sila pa nga minsan ang nagsu-suggest pero hindi lang matuloy dahil palaging nasa bakasyon din itong si Jana.

"That's amazing! I'll get to meet your boyfriend, too!"

"He's not my boyfriend yet."

"Hindi pa sa lagay na 'yan? Oh, don't fool me, Theia."

"Totoo naman. We're taking things slow and getting to know each other more."

Her forehead creased. Bumalik siya mula sa pagkakasandal sa upuan.

"But you like each other?" I nod my head. "Then why the hell don't you make it official?"

"Dahil hindi naman kailangan na maging kayo agad dahil lang gusto n'yo ang isa't isa. Of course, there will be a process first."

"Fuck that process, Theia. Ano 'to 1960's? Kailangan pa ba niya mangharana sa harap ng bahay n'yo bago mo siya sagutin? What's holding you back?"

To be honest, there is nothing holding me back. Gusto ko si Primo. Gustong-gusto. But I'm just afraid that I won't be able to show him that because I'm not used to this kind of thing. I'm still trying to familiarize myself with it.

I'm scared that I won't be able to express it like he does. Paano kung bigla siyang magsawa just because I couldn't reciprocate the effort that he makes? I don't want him to think that I don't care. Hindi lang talaga ako sanay pa sa ganito.

For now I want to familiarize myself with this feeling. Na hindi dapat ako mailang dahil unang beses itong nangyari sa akin. Primo understands and lets me do things my way.

Gusto ko munang sanayin at ihanda ang sarili ko dahil deserve ni Primo ng tao na kayang masuklian at pantayan ang pagmamahal na ibinibigay niya sa akin.

It's been months since we last saw each other. Parehas ding patapos na ang klase namin. I honestly cannot wait to go home and see him. Kung dati sanay akong hindi naman siya palaging nakikita. Now I'm suddenly curious if something's changed in him.

We video call sometimes but I don't think that's enough. I know he can't wait to see me as well because he's been very vocal about it.

"So...when will you come home?" Tanong niya sa akin habang pinapanood ko siyang maghugas ng pinggan.

I think we've got to the point where we just call each other at random times. Hindi kagaya rati na nagpapaalam pa siya kung anong oras ako pwedeng tawagan. Now I just wait for him because I know he's going to call anytime.

"I don't know yet. Maybe after graduation?"

"Malapit na iyon 'di ba?" I saw that his eyes lit up a bit, showing me a glint of hope.

I nod my head. "Uh-huh. I'm also waiting for my PhiLSAT results so...let's say...in about 2 months?"

"2 months?!" Bahagya siyang tumawa. "Hindi ko alam kung nagpapa-miss ka lang ba talaga o ano. Pero effective siya, Theia."

I smirked. "Bakit? Hindi ba't busy ka rin naman? You're about to graduate, too!"

"I just wish you could attend my graduation though."

Bigla kong naisip iyon. Isn't that what couples usually do when their partners graduate? They watch each other's graduation ceremony and celebrate after with their families. I wonder if Primo and I can do that.

"Oh, by the way. Hindi ba't nag-take ka rin ng admission exam for law school sa ibang bansa? Any news about it?"

Sandali akong natahimik nang dahil doon. Kung hindi niya pa siguro nabanggit, hindi ko pa maaalala na alam ko na ang resulta no'n. I haven't told him yet because I feel like it wasn't important to me anymore.

"Oh, yeah. I haven't told you yet."

Napatingin siya sa akin sa camera. He seems more excited than me.

"How was it?"

How was it? I don't like it. I don't like that I passed the admission exams abroad. Alam kong dati ito ang gusto kong mangyari sa buhay ko pagkatapos ng college. I've got everything planned. My parents know about it.

But suddenly...I don't want it anymore. I don't want to go abroad and study there for years. I want to stay and hope that I'll get the same result in the local admission exam.

"I passed." Balita ko sa kanya.

Kumunot ang noo niya dahil siguro pakiramdam niya na hindi ako masaya.

"I-Isn't that good news?"

"It is, Primo."

"But...why aren't you happy?"

Sa halip na sagutin siya agad ay nanatili lang akong nakatingin sa kanya sa screen.

This is the reason why I don't want to leave anymore. I wanted to stay because of him. If I go abroad, it might take years before I see him again. If I stay, I can just go home in a month to go and be with him again. I'd rather choose the latter than let myself suffer for years.

I sighed to myself. Hindi ko akalain na dadating sa punto na ganito na agad ang naiisip ko. Before him, I was so focused on my career. I know which path I wanted to go. I know where I wanted to be. But after him, it all suddenly changes.

Am I already in love with him?

Only people in love would choose to stay than grab an opportunity that would last them a lifetime. If I was the Antheia before Primo, I would pep talk myself and tell myself that I must've gone crazy for thinking this way.

But at the same time...I thought of all the possibilities that I could have with Primo if I stay. He'll go to med school while I'll go to law school. We'll study together. We'll support each other. We'll be successful together.

"I am happy, Primo." Sabi ko sa kanya. He titled his head, not believing me. "It's just that...studying abroad is not a part of my plan now. I want to stay and study here."

Bumuka ang bibig niya. He listened to me intently, like he could understand the sudden change of my plan. He probably knew that I did not want to talk about it yet so he didn't dare to ask.

"How about you? Any news about your entrance exams?" Tanong ko naman sa kanya.

Primo smiled. Tumango siya. Sa ngayon ay tinapos na niya ang ginagawa at saka nagtungo sa kwarto niya. I watch him as he made himself comfortable in his bed.

"Naipasa ko naman lahat, Theia." He chuckled shyly. I couldn't help but be happy for him.

Alam ko naman na papasa siya sa lahat. He's so hard working and determined. It would be a shame if those med schools he applied to won't accept him.

"That's great news! Nakapili ka na ba ng papasukan mo?"

"Hmm...may isang nag-offer ng 100% scholarship kaso kasi riyan kasi sa Manila. Ang hirap lang tanggapin kasi maiiwan ko si Mama mag-isa rito. Pero ang hirap din naman tanggihan kasi 100% na 'yun, e. Sayang..."

"Sinabi mo na ba sa Mama mo?"

"Oo. Tuwang-tuwa nga siya, e." Primo laughed. "Suportado niya ako at pinipilit din na tanggapin ko. Ako lang din talaga ang 'di pa makapagdesisyon kasi ang hirap. Mapapakiusapan ko naman ang mga kapitbahay na bantayan si Mama kaso iba pa rin kasi kung ako ang mag-aalaga."

Naiintindihan ko kung bakit hirap pa siyang magdesisyon sa ngayon. If I could only offer something that would help him ease up his problems, I would. He's the most selfless person I know. He would rather work his ass off than ask help from anybody.

"Pero okay rin kung tatanggapin ko 'no? Sa Manila 'yon. Ibig sabihin...madalas tayong makakapagkita?" Primo gave me a meaningful smile.

Napairap ako at natawa. "'Yan talaga ang iniisip mo at hindi dahil mas madami kang opportunity na makukuha rito?"

"S'yempre isa na 'yon! Pero...iba pa rin kung sabay tayong mag-aaral. 'Yung susunduin kita pagkatapos ng klase mo. 'Yung kakain tayo kung saan-saan para mawala ang stress. 'Yung gano'n lang naman..."

I smirked. Good to know that I wasn't the only one imagining things. Kasi gaya niya, gano'n din ang naiisip ko kung sakali na rito ako sa Manila mag-aaral.

Thinking about his situation only gave me more reason to stay. I want to be there for him. I also want him to be there for me.

Maybe I really am in love...

Hindi rin naman kasi siyang mahirap mahalin, e. Everyday, he just keeps on proving to me that he was worth the risk. I've never been so much happier. I've never been this inspired to get better in life.

I want to be successful along with him. And if he wants to do all those things once he studies here in Manila, I'll let him. Because I want that, too.

Primo and I became busy with all the graduation festivities that the only thing we can do to update each other was thru text. Nakuha ko na rin ang results ng mga law school na pinag-apply-an ko. I felt so relieved when I passed.

Everything's just coming together now and I'm excited to see what's next.

My family flew back here in Manila to attend my graduation. Of course, Catalina had the best time of her life. She's been waiting for this kaya hinayaan siya nila Papa na makipagkita sa mga naiwan niyang kaibigan.

I heard that she's been doing well in her new university. That's good. No wonder Papa loosened his hold on her this time.

We had dinner at a fancy restaurant. Habang hinihintay na i-serve ang orders namin, naramdaman kong tumunong ang phone ko. I quickly took it out of my pouch to see if the message came from Primo.

I couldn't help but smile when I saw that he sent me a picture. This was also during his graduation a while ago. He was smiling so wide in this picture while holding his diploma and the medal around his neck.

Primo:

Guess who graduated with honors?

I typed my reply.

Me:

Congratulations! Guess who did, too?

After that, I sent him a picture that Adela took of me outside our campus. Gaya ng kanya, hawak ko rin ang aking diploma at medal.

Primo:

Wow! Congrats, Theia! Ang ganda mo :)

I couldn't help but blush. Kung hindi ko lang siguro napansin na nakatingin si Mama sa akin, baka 'di ko na napigilan pa ang pag ngiti ko.

"What's your plan now, Theia? Handa na ang titirahan mk sa US kung sakaling gusto mong tumuloy roon." Sabi ni Mama sa akin.

Binaba ko ang telepono ko at saka itinuon ang atensyon sa kanila ni Papa.

"Gusto ko pong dito mag-aral, Mama."

Parehas silang nagulat sa naging desisyon ko. Of course, they knew about my plan to study abroad after college. It must be surprising to them to hear me say this. But my decision is final. I'll stay here and study.

"Oh! What's with the sudden change of plan?"

I bit my lower lip. I couldn't tell them about Primo yet because we haven't made anything official. Ayaw kong isipin nila na dahil lang sa kanya kung bakit mas gusto ko bigla rito.

Yes, he may be one of the reasons but I think I can still get the same opportunity that I could get abroad if only I'll work hard. Wala rin naman pinagkaiba kung dito o kung doon ako mag-aaral. As long as I'm determined to finish law school, I don't think it will be a problem.

"I just want to stay here. It's best if I could be in an environment where I'm already comfortable at."

Papa nods his head as he took a sip from his wine. "I understand. Whatever decision you make, I'll support you."

I look over at Mama who seems to still be surprised. Umayos siya nang mapansin na nakatingin ako sa kanya at saka siya ngumiti. She reached for my hand.

"Of course, I support you as well, anak. But I just couldn't help but think of all the bigger and better opportunities you could get abroad. You have so much potential, dear."

"Abroad or not, Mama, I'll be successful. I'll make sure pass the BAR and if things go better as planned, I can get a license to practice abroad."

"Masaya akong makita ka na sigurado at gusto ang ginagawa mo. I'm proud of you. Just tell me everything you need, Theia, and I'll provide those for you." Si Papa.

I pressed my lips into a thin line. Now that he mentioned it, I actually have one request to make.

"Can I come home with you tomorrow?"

Papa smiled and nod his head. "That's better. We can organize a party and invite everyone. It's not only Catalina that would enjoy but everyone on the island as well."

Sapat na sana itong celebration namin ngayon but I guess Papa wanted to make it an even bigger celebration. Hindi na ako umangal pa dahil sa totoo lang ay mas excited pa akong makita ulit si Primo kaysa sa pinaplano nilang celebration para sa akin.

Agad na inutos ni Papa sa sekretarya niya ang plane ticket ko para bukas. I can't help but smile. Kinuha kong muli ang telepono ko at saka nagtipa ng mensahe para kay Primo.

Me:

I can't wait to see you.