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"I kinda want to fight like we used to

To make it alright like we used to

Anything, 'cause I didn't want to lose you."

RIP

Olivia O'Brien

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Chapter XI - Explain Yourself

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With no destination in mind, I ran through the halls of the castle, my feet automatically leading me to the person I needed to talk to most.

"Can we go for a ride? Like old times?" I questioned, swinging through the door.

Ben smirked happily. Leaving whatever work he was doing.

Within minutes, we had descended all the stairs, run through the courtyard and were off into the western wood. The sun was out, yet it didn't shine as brightly. Autumn was ending, and soon the worries that rolled through with every winter would be on the people's minds. I had to admit, waking up and seeing ice and snow reminded me heavily of my mother too. We had grown up with white-covered woods. Even in the little time, I was allowed outside, the snow was just a reminder of all the control my mother had over me.

Riding on Ben's back brought peace. The wind brushing past me felt refreshing. My head needed space, leading us to a grassed alcove beside a river. I leaned against a tree, flicking my dagger up by the blade, to let it flip once and I could grab the handle. Ben silently watches for a time.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He asks hopefully.

I shake my head, "Not really."

I take it upon myself to settle into a different topic. "Did you ever think we would be here? Like leading Narnia from the other side?"

"I don't know. You know I never believed in the prophecy stuff, but I like to imagine that eventually, you would have been leading." He tells me, making me turn to face him, searching for any sarcasm in his statement but there was none, "I mean, eventually, your mother would have died, making you queen I also like to believe that you would have run Narnia differently. It may have taken time but you would have ended the winter."

I sighed, thinking it over myself before he continued, "She was a nasty bitch. I imagined you would learn from her cruelty and break the cycle. I hated the fighting, I always have. It took my whole family from me before I could know them. So no, I didn't see the Pevensies as rulers, I saw you. And I know you don't want your bloodline on the throne, but that doesn't mean that you weren't meant for it."

"My mother only had me to be an heir. The last thing I want to do is give her that satisfaction." I spoke of my reasons.

"Then your mother still has control of you." He countered, "It's your life, Ashton, You can't live it for anyone else."

"I suppose it doesn't matter now, it's over," I tell him without any excitement. Even if I wanted to change what is to come, it may not matter in the long run. I choose to leave and Peter chooses the Princess of Archenland.

"Why can you fight for everyone in Narnia but not yourself?" "You never fought for Peter. You let some princess from a different kingdom steal him without a single word. I don't know how you can be more afraid of telling him how you feel than of losing him forever."

Ash sighs, taking in the truth, letting her mind wander around with the possibilities.

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The only noise heard from the dining hall was the scratch of utensils across the glass plates. Edmund and I looked at each other nervously, knowing that any minute this family dinner would turn into a family fight. Claudia ate her food slowly, not wanting to be the spark to the light of this family bomb.

Susan, who usually held her chin high no matter the occasion, seemed to shrink behind her meal.

"How's everyone's food?" Lucy questions kindly, hoping to break some tension in the air.

"Fine," Susan states, not looking up from her plate.

"Splendid, thank you." Princess Claudia answered, dabbing her face with a napkin.

I peered over at the two empty chairs next to Edmund, one for Ash and one for Benvolio, "Are they coming to dinner tonight?"

"Not that I know of. I don't blame them, it isn't exactly a Pevensie fun-filled party." Edmund snarls.

Susan noticed Peter's gaze on the chairs, letting out an exasperated sigh, "Maybe she just needed space. I'm sure they'll be back soon."

"Wait. What do you mean 'back'?" Peter asks, standing up from his chair abruptly.

"Where is she?" Edmund added, frazzled by Peters overrating protection.

All the Pevensie fell silent, with no answer. Peter looked to the guards and they had no answer either.

"Susan," Peter growls lowly.

Susan frowns, "What? It's not my fault she ran off."

"This time," Edmund remarked, making me kick him under the table. This fight was better left between Peter and Susan.

"And conveniently you are the only one that knew she left the castle grounds." Peter pointed out.

"I didn't do anything!" Susan breathed out heavily, dropping her utensils on the table. Claudia jumped in her seat slightly.

"Exactly! You didn't do anything!" Peter raises his voice, "Now Ash is in great danger! Think about someone other than yourself!"

Susan rolled her eyes, still unapproving of her brother's worry for the girl. "Oh please! Her powers are second only to Aslan. I'm sure she's fine. And I'm sure Ben is with her since he is not here."

"And that's what puts her in danger!" Peter yells back at Susan across the table.

He turns around, finding a mountain lioness guard, "Send all the guardsmen we can spare. She needs to be found as soon as possible."

Edmund speaks up, "Peter, I'm sure. Ash is fine. She doesn't-"

"She does! You don't understand!" Peter shouted again, grabbing his coat and the sheath that held Rhindon.

"Peter! What's wrong with Ash?!" I question desperately before my brother can run out the door. Hearing the worry in her brother's voice, I knew this was a greater problem, concealed by secrets.

Peter stopped his rushing, turning around to look at us, debating his next words. "A few months ago, I received word about the motives of the remaining witch supporters. They want their Queen back."

"The White Witch is dead." Edmund scoffed, not understanding.

"They don't mean that queen," Peter answers, keeping his voice low.

Susan's hand came to her mouth in shock and I left the wave of fear that made me feel like crying outright.

"When did you discover this information?" Edmund demands.

Peter rushes to fill us in as we follow him out the door and through the halls. "The night of the Victory ball from the King of Archenland. He offered his country's aid to end the witch's supporters once I marry his daughter."

"You proposed to Princess Claudia that night," I concluded, putting together the timeline of events.

"How could you not tell us!?" Susan shouted, guilty growing in her voice.

"Have you considered that the King of Archenland was lying? To get you to marry his daughter for power?" Edmund questioned, "No offense, Princess."

Claudia shook her head, not wanting to speak any words that got her involved in this family fight but following along.

"Of course, I did Ed!" Peter exasperated, hoping his brother didn't think he was that stupid. "But I didn't want to risk it. Not while Ashton's life was on the line. So I agreed, but it was proved true when later that night, Ashton was targeted and drugged. Ben interrogated those involved, but all they kept saying was that they were here for the Queen. Ben must have assumed that they wanted Lucy or Susan."

"Ben doesn't know either!?" I questioned with increasing worry.

Peter picks up the speed as he runs to the stables with us trailing behind. "I had it sorted!"

"Peter, are you out of your bloody mind?" Edmund yells, spooking his horse Phillip as he throws a saddle over his back.

"I didn't want to worry anyone," He attempts to justify himself, "Besides, if Ash knew she would have done something drastic and you know that's true!"

"You forget that you are not ruling this country alone." Susan spits, rolling her eyes, readying her horse as well.

Peter finishes as we all mount up, "I was just trying to protect her. We have to find her."

"She could be anywhere," Claudia states, not unhopeful but not exactly improving the situation either.

"The Western Wood. It's always been her favorite." Edmund advises, without a doubt.

The desperation in his voice scared me more, and I started straddling up a horse as well before Susan stopped me, "No, Lu, it's too late and too dark. We could lose you too."

"I'll stay with her, the more eyes the better." Edmund offers. "Let's go. No time to discuss. We need to find her as soon as possible. She was last seen about 8 hours ago."

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Claudia rode beside me, frankly, I didn't want to fight with her to stay at the castle. We decided it was best to divide a conquer but no matter what if the sun rose, they would all come home.

I felt the spark of the awkwardness as we rode in silence, "I apologize for the way my siblings and I acted at dinner. It was much less than our best behavior."

"You all care much for her, in your own ways." She seemed to understand in a way. "Peter? Can I ask you about something?"

"Of course, anything." I agreed, partly because I hoped to make up for any discomfort I may have caused her with my family swabble.

I wondered where this conversation was going. Claudia and I had spoken before, but there seemed to be a mutual obligation to one's country that created an unspoken distance. Arranged marriages were not exactly the best way to meet someone.

"I know I may seem full of good intentions, but I am afraid I felt the need to stoop to the level of gossip." She admitted, not personally fond of her actions but not apologetic either.

That piqued my interest, "What for?"

"Well, when I first arrived here, I was under the impression that Edmund and Ashton fancied each other. As time went on I discovered the unlikeness of that even though they traveled together and escorted each other to balls." She explained. I could sense where this was going. "Then with that out of the way, I considered other possibilities, such as Princes, Lordsmen or even guards she may have been smitten with. In my experience, a girl that looks like that does not go unnoticed. Then when you were thrown from your horse at the jousting tournament, she was the first one at your side and everything seemed to make fall together in my mind. Little by little, I saw all the signs I had missed from the beginning. And it's a tradition for the bachelor to dance with every eligible woman at the courting ball, you danced with everyone but her. After the announcement of our engagement hundred were smiling and cheerful for the arrangement, I watched Ash walk out. Even the smaller details, the long stares when the other isn't noticing. I should have seen it sooner."

I sighed, "Ashton and I have a complicated past. I'm sorry I didn't mention anything to you out of respect."

"Don't be sorry. You do not owe me any explanation. I admit it would have been better to find out from you instead of the gossip of the maids, but we take what we can get." We both chuckled at that. "Do you want to know what they say? The maids?"

I raised my eyebrows, still invested in what she had to say. "They claim, 'The only people that don't know that King Peter still loves Lady Ashton and Lady Ashton still loves Peter, is Lady Ashton and King Peter."

My head told me to deny it for Claudia's sake, but it seems she would know I was lying. "Have you ever been in love, Claudia?"

She sighed, and I wanted to take back any too personal question, "You don't have to answer if you don't want to, of course."

"Yes." She smiled sweetly, seeming to think back to a memory. "Do you know Kidrash Tarkaan?"

"The governor of Calavar?" I question. I had to clarify that we were talking about the same middle-aged man. She saw the confusion on my face and most likely the disgust I was trying to hide. There was an easy twenty-year age gap present there.

She laughed at my concerning gaze, "He has a daughter, Aravis Tarkheena, the most vibrant person I've ever met."

"How did you stop yourself from loving her?" Peter asked, needing to know if the constant pain of being in love with someone you couldn't be with ever subsided.

She sighed greatly, "I can't answer that you want because... I still do."

Nothing was ever that simple, "You know the terms of our engagement. You know that additional military support and the convergence of kingdoms are beneficial to Narnia. But why did you agree to this, if you love someone else?"

"Ara's parents didn't approve of our relationship, they forced her into an arranged marriage. Which will most likely take place after this upcoming winter."

"I'm very sorry, Claudia." I apologized, feeling sincerely bad for her. I was too caught up in my own problems with affections that I completely missed hers.

She turned to me, studying my actions, "If Ashton was safe and there was no war, would you be marrying her instead of me?"

"Claudia..." I started, hesitant to answer that question for the girl I was supposed to marry soon.

She smiled at how flustered I was, taking that as her answer, "I would imagine she would already be queen by now since we have both been stalling his wedding for as long as we can."

"If I was a normal kid, back in England, where I come from, I would never let her go."

"Peter. My father may be bold and forceful, but making an enemy of Narnia is not on his agenda." "I've met with hundreds of princes, lords, and princesses, but many are more unhappy than a chambermaid and a stable boy with nothing more than thin wire for an engagement ring."

"Are you suggesting we break off the engagement?" I question her, knowing that might not be the best thing for Narnia or Archenland.

"No matter what you choose, I cannot be with Ara. From where I stand, I have nothing more to lose emotionally." She admitted, and I saw the flash of sadness overcome her. "I'm afraid I've had the one great love in my life. If you have found that love, don't waste it. If not for yourself, then for those that can't."

We fell silent for a moment before I spoke again, "And what if the rebels come?"

"Then you'll fight, but you'll fight with her at your side again. And from what I hear, you won that war. I think that's a question you should be asking her."

"We have to find her," I said, my voice sounding weaker than I expected.

"She's strong. Don't lose hope." She encouraged me, making me feel slightly better.

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Wowwie, troubles in paradises.

I've changed my ideas for the end of this book so many times and we are getting close. I need to finalize things in my brain so I know what to write next.

B