~NIE HUAISANG'S POV~

Nie Huaisang stepped into the cold and chilly cabin, his footsteps echoing in the air. He let his strides hang between them as he made his way to the figure lounging in the back. A look of pure hatred flashed in his eyes as he came face to face with his brother's murderer. 

He slid a blade out from under his sleeve, and promptly rested it against Jin Guangyao's throat. A thin line of blood trickled down the side of his neck, and Huaisang tilted it so the other man could see who the blade belonged to. He had hoped that the name would inspire shock and despair in the other. He had thought that he would be greeted with a small thread of alarm that would flicker in those wide and panicked eyes. 

What he didn't expect was Jin Guangyao to shoot him a small, sly smile- an amused glint in his eyes. 

Jin Guangyao felt nothing but ease when he saw the engraved markings on the handle. It was a sword he knew intimately, a sword that he had once caressed in awe, as he stared at the man holding it. It was a sword that belonged to the man he once loved, and whom he tried so desperately to forget. It was a saber that was now being held by his throat- held by the very person he had once considered a brother to him. "You want to kill me A-Sang?" he asked, shooting a mocking look at Nie Huaisang. 

The latter only sneered, glaring at him as contempt dripped from every word. "You slippery bastard, you put up quite a fight." 

Jin Guangyao smiled, a crafty and clever grin. Over the years he had perfected it, his acting only a tad bit slighter than Nie Huaisang's. "But you won in the end, didn't you?" he pointed out, a touch of bitterness clouding his tone. 

"Save it," Huaisang hissed, scowling at him. His heart pounded in his chest as a million emotions flickered to life inside him. He scowled at the man he once called a brother. Glaring at him, he tried to convey his feelings with one, hard stare. Was it betrayal that he felt right now? Knowing that the man he once called 'A-Yao,' was the very same man that had killed his beloved brother? Was it shame he felt? For not being able to see it in time? Was it hatred he felt? For letting this snake in the grass take away the one thing he loved most in this world? Was it guilt he felt? For not saving Mingjue on time? 

He decided that it was a mix of all of them. 

Glowering at Jin Guangyao, he spat, "We both know it was an empty victory." 

"Enlighten me," Jin Guangyao challenged, one brow arched in amusement. 

Huaisang snapped at him, his voice coming out scalding. "You really don't know? You really don't know what you did? How you condemned all those innocents? How you helped the Wens? How you betrayed the Nie Sect? How you seduced a Sect Leader? How you killed your brother? How you murdered Chuan Han and your son? How you fucked your own sister? How you've somehow managed to turn into a man worse than even Jin Guangshan?" Huaisang paused, his voice breaking as he added, "How you killed my brother?!"

At those last words, a crack appeared in Jin Guangyao's seemingly unbreakable facade. His mask dropped, and for a second- pain flashed in his eyes. It was the kind of deep pain, the kind that would make you crumple and lament about your fate. It was the kind of pain that drove men insane, the kind that slowly poisoned you from the inside. It was the kind of pain that stemmed from heartbreak and utter despair. It was the kind of pain that Nie Huaisang understood- and for a moment, was taken aback. 

Because the look on Jin Guangyao's face... that had been a man in denial with himself. That had been the look of a man finally forced to face the cold and harsh reality. That had been the look of a man whose grief paralyzed him, whose pain echoed deep into his soul. That had been the look of a man who had been forced to change, to adapt in order to survive. That had been the look of a heartless monster, one whose reflection suddenly confronted it in the mirror. That had been the look of a man defeated, whose weariness echoed in his bones. That had been the look of a resigned beast, one that realized: it was better to dwell in the numbness, than to live through the pain. 

And for a split second, Nie Huaisang wavered.

For a moment, he could sympathize with him- could understand the struggles he was going through. Because that had been the same look that had been reflected in Nie Huaisang's eyes- one too many times to count. That same despair and heart wrenching agony that seemed to stare back at him whenever he dipped his head down by the river, or saw himself from a shard of glass. That same self hatred and loathing, that swallowed him in an abyss of nothingness. That same pained look and deep- soul wrenching desolation shown clearly with the haunted look in Jin Guangyao's eyes. 

"Why?" he croaked, voice raspy. "Why did you kill him?" he asked, this time pointing an accusing finger at the former Chief Cultivator. "I thought you loved him..." he whispered, trailing off as betrayal etched itself onto his face. 

"I did," Jin Guangyao replied, his voice firm despite the slight shakiness to it. "I really did." 

"Then why did you kill him?!" 

"Because I had no choice," Jin Guangyao mumbled, shaking his head in desperation. "I had no choice..." he said again, this time sounding broken and defeated. 

Nie Huaisang's eyes widened. This Jin Guangyao sounded nothing like the prideful and arrogant young man he knew of in the past. He sounded nothing like the weasel- the snake in the grass that he was known to be. For a moment, he just sounded like a brokenhearted maiden- lamenting over her lost love. For a moment, he sounded... tired- like the mere thought of living was just too exhausting for him to fathom. 

"I loved him. I loved him so much," Jin Guangyao murmured, his body collapsing as his legs finally gave out. "I loved him, and I would've stayed by his side forever if he let me. But he didn't let me. He forced me to leave, forced me to pull away. He backed me up in a corner, and made me walk into a dead end. I had no choice... I really didn't. I loved him. Huaisang you must believe me when I say I loved him. I loved him more than anything else in the world. And it was because I loved him, that I had to kill him." 

Nie Huaisang gritted his teeth, "What nonsense are you spitting now?" 

"I had to kill him... or he would've killed me. I couldn't bear to see the love of my life leave me like that- couldn't bear to see him kill me. If he had only let up a little, if he had only allowed me a breath of life- then I would've stayed by his side, silently helping him in the shadows. I would've stayed... forever if he let me." 

"YOU KILLED HIM," Huaisang finally shouted, the dam breaking as years of pent up frustration and hatred broke free. "YOU FUCKING KILLED HIM! YOU SAY THAT YOU'LL BE BY HIS SIDE, BUT YOU KILLED HIM! MENG YAO, YOU KILLED DA-GE! WHY?! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?! HE LOVED YOU! HE WOULD'VE TAKEN YOU BACK, HE WOULD'VE-" 

"NO!" Jin Guangyao interrupted, face turning red as spit flew from his lips, "NO HE WOULDN'T! HE WOULDN'T HAVE TAKEN ME IN. DON'T PRETEND LIKE YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. YOU DON'T! DON'T YOU THINK I TRIED? DON'T YOU THINK I BEGGED? I DID EVERYTHING I COULD! I TRIED TO EXPLAIN TO HIM, I PLEADED WITH HIM TO LISTEN TO ME! AND WHEN HE DIDN'T, I IMPLORED HIM TO SPARE ME. I GOT DOWN ON MY KNEES AND I BEGGED HIM TO KEEP ME, TO LET ME LOVE HIM LIKE BEFORE. I BEGGED HIM- THAT EVEN IF HE WASN'T WILLING TO STAY BY MY SIDE, TO AT LEAST ALLOW ME A CHANCE TO LIVE. I BEGGED HIM HUAISANG! I PLEADED DAY AND NIGHT. BUT DID HE LISTEN?! NO! DID HE CARE?! NO! HE WANTED ME DEAD! HE WOULD STOP AT NOTHING TO SEE MY DEMISE! HOW COULD I NOT KILL HIM?! IF I DIDN'T KILL HIM, HE WOULD'VE KILLED ME!"

"But-"

"DO YOU THINK THAT IT DIDN'T HAUNT ME? DO YOU THINK THAT I DIDN'T DESPISE MYSELF? DO YOU THINK THAT I DON'T FEEL GUILTY OR ASHAMED FOR WHAT I DID? HUAISANG! I KILLED THE LOVE OF MY LIFE. I KILLED THE MAN THAT TOOK ME IN AND SHELTERED ME. I KILLED HIM HUAISANG! I KILLED HIM! AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT. I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH. I HATE MYSELF FOR BEING SO WEAK, FOR LISTENING AND GIVING INTO WEN RUO HAN'S DEMANDS. I HATE MYSELF FOR EVER POINTING A BLADE AT MINGJUE, HATE MYSELF FOR CAUSING THAT LOOK OF BETRAYAL ON HIS FACE. I HATE MYSELF FOR SO MANY THINGS, BUT THIS IS BY FAR THE ONE I HATE THE MOST." 

"It's too late for regret now isn't it?" Huaisang murmured dryly, wiping away the tears that threatened to fall from his eyes. "He's gone and he's never coming back." 

Jin Guangyao deflated, all his previous fury dissipating as his body slumped in defeat. "Yes... yes he is. And now it's too late... it's all too late." 

Huaisang narrowed his eyes, the grip on his sword tightening. "Make sure you say hello for me when you meet him." 

Jin Guangyao let out a pained laugh. "I will." 

He gave a sharp nod, the saber inching closer to Jin Guangyao's neck. But something made him stop. He paused, curiosity having stopped Baxia's blade. "I wonder... did you really love him? Did you really truly love my brother? Or was it just your excuse? A moment of vulnerability?" 

Tears trailed down the other mans face, a broken look in his eyes. "I really did love him Huaisang. I loved him so much." 

"How do you know? How do you know you didn't just love to take advantage of him? Take advantage of the kindness he gave to you?" 

"Because without him, I drowned. No matter who I killed, I couldn't find it in my heart to care anymore. Because I had killed the man I loved more than anything else. And without Mingjue, this world became bleak and barren- so different from the kaleidoscope of color it once was. Everything I saw, I started to compare to him. I started admiring Sect Leader Jiang- because his temperament was the closest to Mingjue's that I was going to get. And even though I hated him, I still couldn't find it in me to kill him. Had Er-Ge not stopped me at Lotus Pier, then I still would've let him go. Because he reminded me too much of my A-Jue." 

Nie Huaisang felt something inside him breaking as he stared at the man he had trusted for so long. The same man that claimed to have loved his brother- and in his own broken way- he really did. He felt something strange build up in his chest, a type of feeling he would've never associated with Jin Guangyao: pity. 

He pitied the man. Because in the process of killing Nie Mingjue, he had ripped his own heart out. In murdering the man he once loved, he had destroyed his own sanity. In betraying the lover he had so desperately cared for, he had shattered every last bit of humanity left in him. 

And Huaisang pitied this pathetic excuse of a man. This man whose soul was so battered and broken, that he could never pick himself back up. 

"Fuck you," he muttered- although with less bite than before. 

He gripped Baxia, a complicated look flashing in his eyes, before his face hardened. And Baxia fell, swiping across in one, clean stroke. 

Jin Guangyao clutched his neck, the blood already soaking his lapels. A small, relieved smile flitted over his face as he collapsed, a crimson puddle spreading from where he lie. "Thank you," he whispered, voice faint and barely audible. 

Huaisang strained to hear him, bending down to hear what he had to say. 

"Thank you for letting me see my A-Jue..."