~JIANG CHENG'S POV~

Jiang Cheng felt a headache building as he looked up at his reflection in the mirror. Tears streamed down his face, and dark shadows formed under his eyes. His hair was tangled while wrinkles covered his robes.

He sighed. He was a mess.

That was to be expected though.

He had another nightmare- this time one full of blood and tears. He dreamed about Lotus Pier, dreamed about his mother's face, twisting in despair. He saw the desperate look in his father's eyes, as he held his wife's broken and battered body in his arms. He saw the tears that streaked down their faces, as his father whispered words of devotion in his lady's ear. He saw the sword- the soldier that came up behind his father, piercing his chest with a sword. He saw the look of relief flash in Jiang Fengmian's eyes as he collapsed atop his wife- his hands still tangled with hers. He saw the cackling Wen Chao, standing in the shadows with his hands crossed behind his back, looking on in amusement. He saw the Core Melting Hand, saw Wen Zhuliu shake his head and take something from his mother's hair. It was a jade hairpin- the same one his father had bought for her three days ago.

Jiang Cheng felt the tears well up in his watery eyes, before he blinked them away. What good was tears? They were gone anyways. And it wasn't like a few extra tears could bring them back.

He gave a weary sigh. It was always the same nightmare. Every night, without fail, he would dream about Wei Wuxian and Lotus Pier. He always saw the same terrified eyes, the same faces contorted in agony as their bodies burned to ashes.

The ghosts of the past haunted him- his own demons descending upon him. They feasted at night, preying on the dark recesses of his mind.

Jiang Cheng felt old insecurities flicker to life inside him, as that stupid voice started up again. That little voice in the back of his head that made him doubt himself, and question every move he made. The whispers that surrounded him, telling him how useless and foolish he was. The murmurs taunted him, declaring how he would've never surpassed Wei Wuxian- and the only reason he had, was because of his brother's sacrifice.

Jiang Cheng heard the shouts and screams of Lotus Pier, echoing in his mind. He heard mother's scolding voice, harshly putting him in his place. He heard father's pleading calls, begging his lady to leave. He heard Yu Ziyuan's quick refusal, and saw as Zidian was pressed into his hand, wrapping around him- caging him in it's vice like grip. Jiang Cheng heard the cries, saw the tears trailing from his face. He saw the sixteen year old boy slowly start to break apart- his face cracking in pain when he realized that he was never going to see his family again. He saw the smoke that drifted across Lotus Pier. He saw an endless sea of red, slowly engulfing his beautiful home- tainting its waters with their bloodshed. He saw the bodies, the corpses that were carelessly tossed aside. He saw the faces of his friends, and fellow disciples lying down on the grass, the blood coating their robes. He saw the determination, the resolute look on his parent's faces. He saw the bruising kiss his mother had pulled her husband into, and the sad smile that brushed across her lips when they finally pulled apart.

Jiang Cheng still remembered the shock on his face when he saw that. He remembered the confusion and bewilderment he felt when he saw his parents kissing. Because for as long as he could remember, his parents were distant. They were both cold and bitter, each grieving in their own way. Jiang Fengmian had been grieving the loss of his dearest love- his darling Cangse Sanren. Yu Ziyuan had been mourning her marriage- her unhappy relationship with her husband.

Jiang Cheng's brows furrowed. To this day, he still didn't quite understand what made his mother do such a thing. All he remembered was the hope- the spark of joy that lit up inside him. Perhaps she truly did love his father. And from the desperate way he had kissed her back- perhaps he truly loved her too.

Jiang Cheng felt a small smile cross his face. Despite all the bloodshed and tears, he felt a sense of ease knowing that his mother had understood. That in her last moments, Yu Ziyuan had realized that her husband felt just as strongly for her, as she had him.

Jiang Cheng only wished they hadn't wasted so many years.

Perhaps if his parents had noticed sooner, then perhaps none of this would've happened.

A pained look flashed in his eyes. What use was lamenting? It was already over. His parents weren't going to come back, and whatever love that may have blossomed between them was long gone.

He gave a heavy sigh. He looked like shit.

He debated ringing for servants, but decided against it. It was still early, and dawn had not yet peaked out from the horizon. Surely no one would notice if he slipped out for a bath in the cold pond, right?

Jiang Cheng grabbed a spare robe and made his way down to the springs. He had just slipped inside and made himself comfortable when a voice sounded behind him.

"Wanyin? Wanyin my heart?"

Jiang Cheng flinched.

He didn't want his husband to see him like this. They had just gotten married, and Jiang Cheng didn't like the idea of Xichen seeing him look so battered and bruised.

He kept quiet, hoping that his lover would take the hint.

Lan Xichen didn't.

"Wanyin? What's wrong my love? Are you alright?" a concerned voice asked as arms wrapped around Jiang Cheng's waist, pulling him into a warm embrace.

"What are you doing here so early?" Lan Xichen murmured, burying his face in Jiang Cheng's neck.

"I- Nothing..." Jiang Cheng muttered, casting his eyes down in shame.

Xichen frowned, turning so he could face his beloved. He gasped at the sight of Jiang Cheng's heavy eyebags and pale face.

Jiang Cheng squeezed his eyes shut. He was scared. Scared that Xichen would see him for the pathetic man he was. Scared that his lover would leave him, finally seeing how weak he really was. Scared that his husband would back away, face blanching in horror and disgust. Scared that-

"Wanyin," a firm voice commanded, breaking Jiang Cheng out of his thoughts. "Look at me." 

Jiang Cheng lowered his head, his violet eyes filled with shame and self loathing. "I'm sorry..." he whispered, despair clouding his voice. "Please don't leave me," he mumbled brokenly. 

"Wanyin..." 

"I know I'm not enough for you, I'm sorry you had to see me this way." 

"Wanyin look at me," Lan Xichen ordered, his tone breaching no argument. 

Jiang Cheng glanced up, the pain clear on his face. 'This is it,' he thought a sad smile drifting across his face as he closed his eyes, 'This is where he decides to leave. This is where he finally realizes what a burden Jiang Cheng really was. This is where he backs away with an apologetic look on his face and tells him he needs to go. This is where he-'

Jiang Cheng's eyes flew open when a pair of lips crushed into his own, and long, nimble fingers tangled themselves in his hair. His mind short circuited as a fiery passion ignited in his veins, and Jiang Cheng grabbed onto Xichen's chest, hands scrambling for purchase. 

A soft chuckle and a gentle smile greeted him when he finally pulled back. Jiang Cheng gazed at his lover, lips curling in satisfaction. Lan Xichen's hair was ruffled, and his lips were bruised and swollen from Jiang Cheng's onslaught of kisses. But bathed in the moonlight, his eyes wide and cheeks flushing- he looked all the more beautiful. 

Jiang Cheng grinned, a tender look in his eyes as all his earlier worries dissipated. Lan Xichen was still here. He wasn't going to leave him. He hadn't just picked up his bags and left. He hadn't sent Jiang Cheng away. His husband was still here, even after seeing him at his worst. 

Jiang Cheng felt a stone in his chest settle as relief surged through him. 'Thank god,' he thought, lips quirking up in a smile. 'Thank god he's still here.' 

"What happened Wanyin?" Xichen asked, a worried look on his face. "What are you doing up so early?" 

Jiang Cheng let out a sharp breath, the fight draining from him as he collapsed in his husband's arms. "I had a bad dream." 

"What was it about?" 

Jiang Cheng studied Xichen's face before letting out a defeated sigh. Try as he might, there was nothing he could hide from his husband. He drew in another deep breath. "I... I dreamed about Lotus Pier burning. Dreamed about mother and father, the way they clutched each other before they died. Dreamed about the terrified look on the juniors faces as more and more of them fell to the Wen's. I dreamed about the Core Melting Hand, dreamed as he drained the life from Lotus Pier. I dreamed about Wen Chao, dreamed about the Wen's tyranny and brutality. I dreamed about Zidian, and how the cold metal wrapped around me. I dreamed about the smoke that rose high in the air. I dreamed about crimson robes raising the bloodied banner of the sun- high up in the air. I dreamed about Yunmeng... dreamed about my home, slowly burning behind me as I ran." Jiang Cheng let out a shaky breath. "I was such a coward..." 

"You weren't."

"Yes I was! I should've been there! I should've stayed behind with my parents, defending Lotus Pier to my last breath. I should've fought, I should've at least tried! But I didn't! I ran like the fucking coward I was. I was the Jiang Sects future heir! What kind of heir would run away from their sect? What kind of leader was I to be if I couldn't even defend my own?" Jiang Cheng snapped, his voice cracking. There was pain embedded in his words- a deep, soul wrenching pain. 

"Wanyin look at me," Xichen murmured, tilting Jiang Cheng's head up and staring into his eyes. "You were sixteen. You were scared and struggling. How could you have fought? How could you have stayed? You would've died for sure!" 

"But I-" 

"Wanyin. If you stayed, who would've kept the Jiang Sect alive? Who would've been there to help it rise from the ashes? You couldn't have stayed. Because if you stayed, then the Jiang Sect would've truly died." 

"There was still Shijie..." 

"Jiang Yanli was an amazing woman. But she was no Sandu Shengshou. She would never have been able to do what you did, would never have been able to bring Yunmeng Jiang back from the dead as you did. There's a reason why your mother told you to leave, why she tied you up with Zidian and forced you to run. Because she saw something in you. She saw the resolve and ferocity, the fierce determination to protect those close to you. She saw the love and care, the devotion you give to your people. She saw the honor and integrity, the need for justice. She saw a Sect Leader in you- one worthy of the Yunmeng Jiang Sect."

"Some Sect Leader I was," Jiang Cheng scoffed, bitterness clouding his tone. "Fled like a fucking weakling." 

"No." 

Jiang Cheng looked up at his husband in surprise. He had never heard Lan Xichen speak so vehemently before. "Wh-"

"No. You weren't some weakling. You were, and you are deserving of Sect Leader. You didn't choose to abandon them, you chose to honor them. You chose to honor their sacrifice, to make sure their lives were not lost in vain. You killed Wen Ruohan, defeated the Wens, and managed to restore Yunmeng to its former glory. If you had died back in Lotus Pier, you would've been just another life lost. You would've been just another casualty of the war. But because you lived- because you ran, you were able to rally others to your cause- were able to truly make an impact." 

"I-" 

"Wanyin. Trust me. A Lan never lies." 

Jiang Cheng stared at his husband, his eyes wide as a small blush stained his cheeks. "Am I really?" he asked, tilting his head as he looked at Xichen in desperation. 

"Yes. You are," Lan Xichen replied, voice filled with conviction. His tone brooked no argument and Jiang Cheng felt another weight on his chest lift. He studied his lover, eyes latching on to the sincerity and honesty written across Xichen's face. 

A small smile bloomed, "Thanks, I needed that," he murmured sinking into his husband's embrace. 

Lan Xichen just hummed, one hand coming up to stroke Jiang Cheng's hair, gently brushing out the tangles. 

As bad as this night had been, Jiang Cheng felt a strange sense of closure. Perhaps he wasn't a failure to his sect, wasn't a coward for leaving. Perhaps Lan Xichen was right, perhaps he really did make the right choice when he left. Perhaps his mother had seen something worth fighting for in her son, and perhaps that's why she pushed him away. Perhaps he was never meant to die that day, because he was destined for bigger things. Perhaps he never caught his father's eye because he was meant to capture Lan Xichen's instead. Perhaps he wasn't able to hold onto Wei Wuxian because he was supposed to have the First Jade instead. 

Perhaps... 

Just maybe...

This wasn't all his fault.