~YU ZIYUAN'S POV~

It's hard constantly having to look over your shoulder, only to be reminded of everything that you aren't. It's hard looking at a boy that your husband loves more than his own children, only because their mother was never good enough for him. It's even harder actually falling for said husband, only to realize that his heart doesn't have the space to fit you into it.

Yu Ziyuan hated it. She hated arguing. She hated the looks and cold stares that would ensue after fights. She hated the despair and desolation it would bring to her children, watching them as they trudged away, a pained smile on their faces. She hated it, but she could never stop herself. Could never stop herself from lashing out, projecting her own fears and insecurities on others. She could never stop being hounded by the constant jealousy that surged through her everytime she saw Wei Ying's face.

It wasn't just that Fengmian preferred the young Wei Ying to his own children, but rather that Wei Wuxian was just far too much like his mother. His laughing eyes, his teasing smile- they were all the same. He had the same easygoing persona, the same carefree look.

Even in death, Cangse Sanren destroyed her.

She hated the rumors that flew around Yunmeng- rumors that Jiang Fengmian had only taken the orphan back to Lotus Pier, because he still held a flame for his old lover. She hated the envy that surged through her at those words. She hated her own insecurity, her own fiery jealousy. Because she had won hadn't she? She was the Madam of Lotus Pier- not some Cangse Sanren. She was Jiang Fengmian's wife, not her. She had become the lady of a powerful sect, while Cangse Sanren had chosen to elope with a no name servant. She bore the Jiang sects future heirs, not anyone else. She should be happy, because the Violet Spider once again, came out on top.

But did she really? No, no she hadn't. Because if Yu Ziyuan was going to be honest with herself, she had only won because someone else had quit. And even then it was an empty victory. Empty because Jiang Fengmian still loved the other woman. Empty because of the bitter glares and cold avoidance. Empty because every time she turned around, all she saw were purple robes, fluttering in the wind.

Yu Ziyuan let out a sharp laugh. How ironic. The infamous Violet Spider, one of the strongest cultivators of the cultivational world- was crying over unrequited love. And not just any type of unrequited love- but unrequited love from her own husband.

Meishan Yu would be so disappointed.

She tsked, reaching for a jar of wine before her. "How pathetic."

"My lady?" A gentle voice asked behind her. The voice radiated calm and peace, an anchor in the storm. Yu Ziyuan closed her eyes, indulging for a moment, in the sweet smell of lotus flowers that followed her husband's stead.

"What do you want?" she snapped, before turning away in shame. Her words had come out far harsher than she intended.

Yu Ziyuan was just about to open her mouth to apologize, when a soft sigh sounded beside her. She immediately snapped her head up, eyes narrowing in irritation. How dare her husband sigh! How dare he act like she was the one being difficult here! How dare he-

Oh.

Ziyuan looked down in shock at the box that sat before her. All her frustrations from before draining away as she gazed at the beautifully carved hairpiece, resting in the center. Carved of the most priceless jade- it was truly a treasure to behold.

She arched a brow, bitterness flashing through her. She wasn't sure why she decided to open her mouth- maybe it was the alcohol speaking, but she did it regardless. "Why is this a gift for me? Goodness, didn't know you actually cared. Nice to know my husband at least thinks of me from time to time," she spit, tone mocking.

"My lady..."

"Oh my, how nice of you to take a break from your darling Wei Wuxian and come find me. I should thank you shouldn't I?" She taunted, gulping down her liquor before slamming it onto the table. "Baoshan Sanren must be so proud."

"My lady..."

"To think! Her disciple managed to hold the affections of Sect Leader Jiang for so long- even nine years after her death! What a remarkable woman Cangse Sanren is! How could I possibly compare?"

"Yu Ziyuan..."

Dimly, Yu Ziyuan was aware that she should probably stop. She was going a little bit too far, wasn't she? But dammit, that Cangse Sanren hounded her- even in death her memory haunted her. "Ah yes, your precious Wei Wuxian, the one you treat better than your own son! Why Cangse Sanren must be smiling in her grave, knowing her son has such a responsible Sect Leader like you to take care of him. Practically better than you take care of your own son! What's wrong hm? Is Jiang Cheng not enough for you?"

Am I not enough? Was the unspoken question behind it.

"Yu Ziyuan!" Jiang Fengmian yelled, standing up as he slammed his hands down on the table, "That's enough!"

But Yu Ziyuan was undeterred. Something inside her had broke, and nearly 20 years of bitterness and grief came pouring out. Maybe it was the wine that clouded her mind, but once she started- she just couldn't stop.

"No, you listen to me Jiang Fengmian. You don't like it? Well suck it up! It's the truth! You know what people are saying out there? They're saying that your heart still belongs to that Cangse Sanren! They say that's why you love Wei Wuxian more than Jiang Cheng- why you only indulge and praise your head disciple!"

"My lady!" Jiang Fengmian thundered, rising up in indignation. "Why do you care what they have to say?!"

"Because I love you dammit!" Yu Ziyuan gasped, grabbing her cup in frustration. "Because I'm jealous, okay?"

"My lady..."

"Fucking hell Fengmian. Spare me the embarrassment. You don't have to say anything, and tomorrow when I wake up, I won't remember any of this anyways. So you can just leave now, or sit there in silence like you've always done."

"My lady I-"

"Don't," Yu Ziyuan interrupted, holding her hand up to stop him from continuing. "Don't okay? Just go... it's not like this means anything anyways."

"Doesn't mean anything?" Jiang Fengmian echoed, a complicated look on his face. "What do you mean-"

"Just forget it okay? It's probably just the alcohol talking."

"Alcohol talking?"

"Yes, now would you please stop copying my words?"

"My lady..."

"Save it. I don't want to hear it. I-"

"No," Jiang Fengmian growled, narrowing his eyes in irritation. It was the first time Yu Ziyuan had seen her husband this riled up. "You will listen to me."

Unable to keep the shock off her face, she nodded, eyes wide with confusion. Jiang Fengmian was a gentle soul, rarely could things anger him. There was always a reassuring smile on his face, and a small twinkle in his eyes. For him to be this mad- well, it clearly wasn't going to be good.

"Yu Ziyuan, you are by far the most difficult person I've ever met. When we first married, I thought you were fine- hotheaded but reasonable. But imagine my surprise when I realized that as the years passed by, you actually got worse and worse! Your temper is truly unmatched. You're stubborn, annoying, and completely beyond help. You-"

"Hey," Yu Ziyuan scowled, rage bubbling up inside her. "If you think you can take advantage of my drunken state to insult me, you're sorely mistaken-"

"I haven't finished," Jiang Fengmian all but barked. "You're jealous, you're crass, you're impatient- and by god, you're the most irritable person I've ever met."

Yu Ziguan shot to her feet, eyes flashing with fury. "You-!"

"You have no idea how much you've tortured me. No idea how many sleepless nights I've suffered because of you. And now you tell me you love me, and then say that it was the wine talking? What the fuck were you thinking?" he raved, face red with fury.

Yu Ziyuan gawked, her jaw dropping. Did her husband just curse? Jiang Fengmian never cursed.

She brought a hand up to his forehead, "Are you running a fever? Have you been possessed? Since when did you-"

"Mmph!" She cried, eyes widening in shock when she felt Jiang Fengmian's lips crash into her own- effectively swallowing all her protests. His lips were soft and pillowy, kissing her with desperate abandon.

For a moment, Ziyuan allowed herself to indulge in the velvety feel of her husband's lips. For a moment she forgot all her troubles, focusing only on the feel of his lips on hers. For a moment she could forget about Wei Wuxian, about Jiang Cheng, about Cangse Sanren and- oh right. There was still Cangse Sanren.

Like a bucket of cold water had splashed over her, Yu Ziyuan was pulled back into reality.

"Fengmian?" She murmured pushing weakly against his chest. Her lips were bruised and swollen, her hair coming loose from its usual bun. "Wha-"

She was silenced again when a pair of lips curtly muffled her complaints.

"I-" She cut off, breathless and heaving for air.

"Now you're quiet, aren't you?" Jiang Fengmian teased, gently tucking back a strand of hair that had escaped from her tight bun. "Looks like I've found your weak spot," he declared triumphantly, with a smug smile on his face.

"S-Shut up," Yu Ziyuan muttered, burying her head in her husband's chest. "This was a nice dream until you fucked it up."

"It's not a dream."

Yu Ziyuan chuckled, gently cupping Fengmian's face in her hands. "It definitely is, but we'll pretend it's not."

"No. My lady look at me," Jiang Fengmian said, putting his hands over hers. "This is not a dream." He whispered, an endearing look in his eyes as he gazed upon his wife.

Lightly pinching her palm, before soothing the pain with feather light kisses up her wrist, "Now do you believe me?" He murmured, still trailing kisses along her hand.

"W-What?!" Yu Ziyuan stuttered, the glassy look in her eyes, gone in an instant. The drunken stupor that she was in, immediately lifted as she looked at her husband with wide eyes. "B-But," she stammered, speechless.

Jiang Fengmian arched a brow in amusement, "What? Don't tell me you're having second thoughts now."

"I-I- No. I mean like I'm not, I'm just confused. Don't you hate me or something?"

Her husband shot her a pained smile, gently drawing her into his embrace. Yu Ziyuan let herself be held as she drew in a sharp breath. "I never hated you. Never," Fengmian murmured, hands coming up to tangle themselves in her hair.

"B-But what about Cangse Sanren?" Yu Ziyuan still couldn't believe her ears. Fengmian loved her? That wasn't possible. He was always so cold to her!

"Stupid, stupid," her husband whispered, tightening his hold and pulling her closer. "She was my friend. Nothing more than that."

"But even if you don't love her, there's no way you love me!"

"Why is it so hard to believe that I love you?"

"B-Because you never seem to care! You're always so cold and distant! Everytime we fight, you just walk away instead of trying to resolve it! And you hate Jiang Cheng!"

Jiang Fengmian gave a despairing laugh. "How could I hate my own son? I have higher expectations for him than Wei Wuxian- that's true. But I could never hate him. He's my son- my own flesh and blood, how could I do anything but love him?"

"But-"

Jiang Fengmian grabbed her hand, "I love the woman who gave me a family," he said, punctuating it with a gentle kiss on her wrist. "I love the woman who stood tall and proud, her head always held high," he murmured, burying his face in her hair. "I love the woman who screams and yells- who's temper could rival the gods," he whispered, gently trailing kisses down her neck. "I love the woman who never stops frowning, a permanent scowl on her face," he smiled, pressing a tender kiss to her forehead. "I love the woman whose smile- albeit rare, could rival the sun itself," he breathed, softly running his fingers through her hair. "I love the woman that scolds me, that pretends to be so strong and mighty," he sighed, entwining his hands with hers. "I love the woman that blushed and brushed away all my gifts," he teased, an amused look in his eyes. "I love the woman that cares and loves, her heart bigger than all of us combined," he muttered, putting a possessive hand on her waist. "I love the woman that splutters and flushes, an adorable pout on her face," he paused, pulling back to cup her face in his hands. "Yu Ziyuan. Does that sound like Cangse Sanren to you?"

"I-"

"Silly, silly woman. That's you."

Yu Ziyuan felt the tears well up in her eyes. How many times has she dreamed of this? How many nights has she waited for this? How many empty beds and cold shoulders has she suffered through? All for this moment right now. All for these words right here.

"I-"

Fengmian let out a sigh, bringing his hands up to wipe away the tears that threatened to fall down her cheeks. "Truth to be told, I didn't love you at first. I thought you were far to violent and out of control for me to possibly love."

"Then when did you start?" Ziyuan gasped, still too scared to hope. Hoping was dangerous- it left her with unreachable expectations. Hoping only led to dismay. It only led to pain and sorrow.

No, it was better to expect nothing at all- if only to avoid the misery that came with disappointment.

Still, she couldn't control the thread of joy that coiled up inside her at his words, the small flame that ignited beneath her.

"Three years ago. You took the children to play in the river. It was one of the few moments you spent with our kids, so I didn't want to disturb you. But I watched from a distance, and it was the first time I've ever seen your smile. It was so beautiful, joyous and bright. There was a softness to you, a sort of motherly love that radiated from your face. I think that was the exact moment I knew, I had fallen for you."

Yu Ziyuan felt a laugh bubble up inside her. A sense of contentment that spread through her soul.

Here, in her husband's arms, the violent spider was finally at ease.

"You..." she shook her head, grabbing Fengmian in a heated kiss. "You fool. Why didn't you tell me earlier? We could've saved three years."

Jiang Fengmian laughed, a soft chuckle as he gazed at his wife tenderly. The endearment in his eyes drew her breath away, as she saw the love blooming from those bottomless depths

"Silly woman. You are the most difficult woman in the world to get a point across too. I gave you gifts and you rejected them. I invited you out, and you declined me. I would say something, and you would interrupt me. I tried, Yu Ziyuan- I really did," he smirked, a teasing lilt to his tone, "Who knew you were so stubborn?"

Yu Ziyuan grunted, glaring up at her husband. "Shut up," she murmured, lifting her head up for another kiss.

Fengmian happily indulged her, kissing her to her heart's content.

Her lips curved into a satisfied smirk. "You know... I've been quite lonely lately..."

Her husband arched a brow, a look of amusement coming across his face. "Oh? And you want me to fix that for you?"

Yu Ziyuan blushed, looking down in embarrassment. Her cheeks flushed, "I mean you don't have to if you don't want too..."

"Cute," Fengmian murmured, one arm wrapping possessively around her waist.

Yu Ziyuan spluttered, "I-I am not cute!" she cried, flustered and blushing.

"Mn, as you say my lady," Jiang Fengmian replied, a twinkle in his eyes. He grabbed her, lifting her up in his arms. She squealed, a laugh flying past her lips.

Yu Ziyuan wrapped her arms around her husband's neck, gently pecking his cheek.

A soft smile bloomed across her face.

Because this right here?

This was worth all the suffering in the world.