CHAPTER 5

FOR SOMEONE who claimed that Xanthie could help lessen his insomnia by sleeping next to him, Kade had been staying the night with his dates—no, more like flings. Kade never dated. He was an asshole who liked to sleep around. He had always been like that since they were in high school, and he had never changed his ways after all those years.

Xanthie didn't question those women who willingly slept with Kade without reservation. It was obvious why without asking. Kade was a natural brunette with shoulder-length wavy hair and electric blue eyes. Kade's looks were the gorgeous type, and with his lean muscular body, it was no wonder why he wasn't running out of women to play with.

"But a different woman every night." Xanthie exhaled and leaned back in the long sofa in Kade's living room. "Seriously, that guy..." He shook his head and exhaled again.

As he stared at the high ceiling, contemplating on what to do, his phone on the center table rang. When he checked who was calling, he saw it was Fey.

"When are you coming home, Xanthie?"

"Sunday."

"Can't you come home early?"

Xanthie straightened his body. "Did something happen?"

"My parents..." Fey paused and sighed. "They want us to visit this weekend."

"Oh." He immediately got a headache and massaged the bridge of his nose. "Sure. I'll be home tomorrow."

Fey let out a relieved breath. "Thanks, Xanthie. See you tomorrow."

"Okay. See you."

After the call ended, Xanthie immediately booked an early flight to Montréal for the next day, then he called Kade to inform him that he was going home. He might not be able to wait for Kade to get home tomorrow.

However, after a few rings, Xanthie realized that he might be disturbing Kade and his fling, so he decided to end the call. Before he could tap the end button, though, an unfamiliar male voice answered.

Xanthie's eyebrows immediately furrowed. "Who's this?"

"...a friend." There was a slight hesitation in the man's voice as he answered.

Xanthie's frown deepened even more. "Name."

But the man on the other line did not give his name. "If you're looking for Kade, he's asleep."

Xanthie's eyes automatically looked at the wall clock. It's past midnight already. Based on the silence on the other line, he was sure that Kade was not in the club. It was too silent! Where was he sleeping, then? "Where are you? I'm picking up Kade—"

"Look, mister, I don't know who you are, so why would I give you my home address?" The man clicked his tongue. "Whatever. We're done anyway. I'll wake him up and send him home."

Xanthie had so many questions as the call ended, but what bothered him the most were the words "we're done anyway."

Done with what?

From the phone call until Kade arrived at the house, Xanthie was still bothered by those words.

And the bastard who made him worry so much just greeted him with "Yo" then went straight to his room.

Xanthie could only gape at Kade and decided to follow after sorting out his unorganized thoughts. But when he entered Kade's room, Kade was already sleeping soundly without a shirt on.

And with only the warm light from the lampshade on the bedside table illuminating the bed, Xanthie could see fresh hickeys on Kade's neck and collarbone.

Xanthie slowly approached the bed and looked down at Kade's sleeping face.

"Just what the hell are you doing, Kade?" Xanthie's hand reached out and flicked Kade's forehead. Unfortunately, it was not enough to lessen his annoyance.

He wanted to smack Kade's head, wake him up, and force an explanation out of him.

But he wasn't in a position to do that. Ever since, he never intruded into Kade's sex life. He always let him do whatever he wanted when it would come to that, but... you came home from a man's house with a fresh hickey. "What the hell are you doing, Kade?"

Gritting his teeth, he turned around and left Kade's bedroom. He went straight to the guest room, packed his bag, set an alarm, and then forced himself to sleep.

He had an early flight. He couldn't miss it.

He said that, but Xanthie found himself rebooking his flight to lunchtime.

Kade woke up with a hangover. His throat was dry, and his head was throbbing. Even so, he pushed himself to get up and go down to the kitchen to get some water.

The journey to the kitchen was the worst. He was wobbling and trying to balance his body while clutching his head.

"Fuck... fuck..." A string of profanities continued escaping his mouth until he was finally able to chug down two glasses of cold water.

Somehow, that sobered him up a little. But his head was still throbbing.

"Ah, fuck!"

Suddenly, a palm with a pain reliever pill appeared in front of him together with a hand holding a glass of water.

Kade felt like his headache doubled when he smelled Xanthie's natural scent.

Fuck.

He held his breath to not smell Xanthie so much, accepted the pill and the glass, and then silently took the pain reliever pill.

"I made you breakfast," said Xanthie. "By the way, I'm going back home today."

Without missing a beat, Kade raised his aching head and calmly looked at Xanthie. "That's good. Don't leave Fey alone too much. Have a safe trip."

Kade raised his eyebrows when Xanthie's gaze on him deepened then Xanthie's face darkened as his eyes moved to his neck. It was an uncomfortable kind of stare, but Kade did not back down. He held Xanthie's gaze until Xanthie finally pulled his gaze away and muttered something he couldn't hear.

"What did you say?" Kade asked.

"Nothing."

Kade could see how Xanthie's jaw tightened as if he was angry at something—or someone.

"What?" he asked Xanthie as he leaned against the kitchen countertop.

Xanthie was clearly not in a good mood, but he still responded with a scowl, "You better take care of yourself. The result of your full body checkup is good, but that does not mean you're one hundred percent healthy. Call me if you need anything, okay?"

Kade smiled and nodded, but he honestly had no plan to contact Xanthie.

And just like that, Xanthie went back to where he belonged, and Kade was back to being alone in his huge house.

Loneliness crept into him at the same time he felt relief. Xanthie was finally gone. He didn't have to tiptoe in his own house anymore. With Xanthie close to him, he had to mind his words, his movements, his emotions. And of course, he had to hide his condition and his medicine.

But now that Xanthie was gone, the freedom he felt overshadowed his loneliness.

It's funny... I feel freer without Xanthie in my life.

"I wonder... if I'll be freer... if I die?"

His eyes subconsciously sought the knife on the countertop beside him. He stared at it for a long time before he picked it up.

Kade knew what he was doing. He was aware of what he wanted to do with the knife in his hand. And he was also aware that his thoughts were starting to jumble up again.

An attack... "So early in the morning."

He dropped the knife and hurriedly went to get his medicine. His doctor told him not to be dependent on the pill and find something that could distract his mind from his dark thoughts, but all he had was painting. And even that couldn't distract him anymore.

His painting had been devoured by his depression.

Kade dropped himself on the sofa inside his bedroom after taking the medicine for his attack, then he leaned against the back of the sofa, his unfocused eyes staring at the ceiling.

He had been attack-free for two weeks now, but here he was again, filled with unfathomable fear that was searing his very soul, so that he couldn't move and couldn't control his slightly cold, trembling body.

"Xanthie..." His voice quivered. "I'm scared."

He could only hear silence. It was so loud.

"How... can I be happy again?"

The deafening silence continued until Kade fell asleep. This always happened after taking the medicine.

When he woke up, the deafening silence was still everywhere. But he got up, fixed himself, and dragged his weary body to his studio.

He had a few more paintings to finish, and after that, he could finally sleep to his heart's content.

But before he slept, he had to take care of all his responsibilities first so as to not burden the people around him.

Thus, he started painting day in and day out, only stopping for quick bites and short naps. He also replied to Xanthie's regular messages, telling him he was doing okay but was busy.

Summer finally ended, and the autumnal equinox unfolded. It was the passage of summer to fall. And as the leaves started to turn yellow and deep orange, Kade finally finished his last painting.

"Damn!" Andrew couldn't help gaping at the paintings displayed in front of him in Kade's studio. Kade had called him over. This was his first time seeing every painting Kade made for the upcoming exhibit. "These are all unnerving, I'm not going to lie. Too dark if I say so myself, but each piece speaks volumes."

Kade, who was leaning against his table, silently watched Andrew for a while before he spoke.

"The exhibit will be held in November, right?"

"Yes," Andrew responded while his focus was on the paintings. "Third week of November. Leave everything to me."

Kade's eyes looked down at the floor in front of his feet and muttered, "That means I have more than a month to pull myself together." He raised his head and looked at his agent. "Andrew."

Andrew was still focused trying to decipher Kade's painting. "Hmm?"

"I was diagnosed with general anxiety disorder and clinical depression a few months ago."

Andrew's mind went blank as he turned to face Kade in shock.

Kade smiled at Andrew's shocked face. "Come on, don't look at me like that. I'm fine."

Andrew was still dumbfounded, so Kade continued. Kade never told anyone about his mental condition because he didn't see the need, but at the moment, he had to make Andrew understand why he was going to do what he was about to do.

"My panic attacks have been happening pretty often lately. I have medicine for them, but my doctor told me not to be dependent on it. Since I'm alone in the house, it's a struggle to stay alive. Painting does not calm me anymore, and sleeping around doesn't work like it used to. From my unhealthy meals to not sleeping for days, if I continue this path, I don't think I'm going to survive until Xanthie's wedding."

Andrew's expression became ugly as if he just realized something horrible. "You... you're not planning to..." Andrew couldn't continue. He didn't want to say it. He couldn't!

"Andrew, I'm going to admit myself into a private mental health facility until the exhibit. I already reached out to my psychiatrist. I will be admitted two days from now."

Gradually, Andrew's pale face started to regain its color. Hearing Kade's explanation, he was relieved.

Andrew took a deep breath. "I don't know what kind of things you have been experiencing these past few months. Though even if I knew, I don't think I'd understand. But there's one thing I want you to know—I'm proud of you for seeking help, Kade."

Kade chuckled at Andrew, and seeing it, Andrew felt like Kade was not suffering from anxiety and depression.

He looked relaxed, happy even.

It was hard to see that behind that chuckle and casual smile hid a depressed soul filled with anxiety.

"You're going to get through this, Kade." Andrew believed in that. "If you need anything, just call."

Kade nodded, then told Andrew, "Don't tell Xanthie. I don't want him to know."

Andrew's lips parted. He knew that this was different from the last time. Now that he knew about Kade's mental health condition, he really shouldn't tell Xanthie without Kade's permission.

"What... do you want me to tell him if he looked for you while you're in the facility?" He was only able to decide not to tell Xanthie because Kade was getting help and he'd be safe in the facility.

Kade shrugged with a smile. "I'm on vacation?"

Andrew looked at Kade wryly. "Really?"

Kade let out a short laugh seeing Andrew's wry expression. "Really. Tell him I'm soul-searching."

Andrew shook his head and sighed heavily and loudly. "Fuck. Xanthie is smart, you know. He'll know that something is up."

"He'll suspect, but without proof, he won't know anything." Kade narrowed his eyes at the floor. "I don't want to burden him, or anyone, for that matter. He's getting married soon. You know how Xanthie is. If he found out about my condition, he might move his wedding and stick around with me. I don't want that. I want him to be happy, and it'll only happen if we keep my condition under wraps."

Of all the people around Kade, Andrew was the one who knew Xanthie's attitude toward Kade the best. What Kade was saying was not impossible. If Xanthie, who was very protective of Kade, found out, forget moving the wedding; he might even cancel it to take care of Kade.

Andrew massaged his temples. "I understand. I won't tell him."

"Thanks. And, um, this house, sell it."

"My real-estate agent friend contacted me a few days ago. She said she already has a buyer. We will have a meeting to schedule the viewing."

"Thanks. I'll leave it to you. By the way, while I'm in the facility, hire a moving company and put all my things in a storage unit."

"Noted. Is that all?"

Kade nodded then let out a long sigh.

"Okay then. I'll be back in two days to send you off."

"No need."

"Don't stop me. I will accompany you until you get admitted."

Kade didn't argue with Andrew after seeing Andrew's determined expression.

Meanwhile, seeing that Kade was not contradicting his proposition, Andrew went back to silently contemplating Kade's painting while also thinking about Kade's condition.

Concurrently, Kade sent a message to Hale informing her of his condition and his decision to admit himself into a mental health facility.

And Hale's reply was: I'm coming over with a dozen bottles of whiskey, you bastard! We are going to get fucking wasted while having a heart-to-heart talk!

Kade chuckled at that, and an amused smile remained on his lips. Hale had always been his ally in so many ways. Maybe because they belonged to the same community.

"Why the fuck did you not tell me?!" Hale's angry voice echoed in the living room as she slammed the empty glass of whiskey on the center of the table. She was glaring at him as if she'd murder him. "I keep defending you from Xanthie, saying that you're okay—wait...did you also tell Xanthie?"

Kade shook his head. "Just you and Andrew."

"Andrew? Your agent?"

"Hmm. He left just a minute before you arrived."

Hale clicked her tongue and glared at Kade before her gaze softened. "How are you holding up?"

Kade shrugged. "It's not so bad."

That was a lie. It was bad. That was one of the reasons he was admitting himself to a mental health facility. It was not only the panic attacks that had become frequent and severe, but also his thoughts of just ending everything.

Of course, he wouldn't tell Hale that. He didn't want her to worry so much.

"What bullshit are you spouting?" Hale poured herself a whiskey. "You're admitting yourself to a mental health facility. That means it's that bad."

Kade brought his glass of whiskey over his lips. "Why are you here, by the way? How about your bar? I could have just come to your bar."

Hale let out a loud sigh at Kade's deliberate attempt to change the topic. But she didn't let him. "Kade, I think you should tell Xanthie."

"I don't want to." Kade sipped whiskey from his glass.

"Come on, Kade. Xanthie can help—"

"At the expense of whom? I can't do that to Xanthie and Fey." Kade's expression turned cold. "And I don't want Xanthie to see me like this. I'll only be a burden to him. It's better to be admitted to a mental health facility. I won't be bothering anyone there. I'll be fine."

Hale didn't argue with Kade. Before coming to Kade's house, she had searched on the internet "how to support a depressed friend" because she honestly had no idea how to. It had stated that depressed people tended to see themselves as a burden to the people around them. The article said that it was the depression talking, but in Kade's case, he had always been the kind of guy who didn't want to burden anyone.

"Have you told your mom?" Hale asked, after a long silence.

"No. I have no plans to." Kade leaned back against the back of the sofa and closed his eyes to hide the fear in their depths.

In that moment, he knew an attack was coming.

His even breathing became so erratic that Hale, who was sitting opposite to Kade, noticed it immediately.

"Kade." She left her seat and sat beside Kade on the long sofa. She didn't say any comforting words; she just stayed with Kade silently. She patted his shoulder before her hand moved down to his chest and patted the place where his heart was.

To see the confident and charming Kade Sanford Black slightly shaking and biting his trembling lips hard, Hale had to hold back her tears, and she continued patting Kade's heart.

Hale didn't know how long it lasted, but gradually, Kade started to calm down, and he finally opened his eyes.

"I'm sorry you had to see that." His voice was hoarse.

Hale shook her head at Kade. "No need to say sorry. Now I understand why you don't want to tell Xanthie." She took a deep breath and looked at Kade. "If Xanthie saw you like this, he would drop everything just to care for you."

"Yeah..." Kade felt exhausted. "Xanthie is that kind of a friend. To him, I'm a dear family member. Because of his childhood, family is very important to Xanthie. And Fey can give that to him...the family he craves and deserves. However painful this unrequited love I have for him gets, I promised to myself that I would never do anything that could jeopardize Xanthie's dream of having a happy family."

Hale exhaled and leaned against Kade's shoulder. "Life is exhausting..."

"Yeah." Kade glanced at his phone in the center of the table. It was ringing.

It was Xanthie.

"You're not going to get that?" Hale asked when she saw who was calling Kade.

"Nah. I'm good."

Kade closed his eyes again. He was exhausted. It's time to rest.

CECELIB | C.C.