CHAPTER 4

KADE PROPPED his elbow on the dining table as he silently watched Xanthie make breakfast for the both of them. He should be in his studio, painting, but here he was, watching his unrequited love since he was feeling good today.

Well, he had been feeling all right lately. His insomnia had not been acting up, and there were no attacks either. Ever since the night Xanthie first arrived, his good night's sleep had been constant.

Although there was a drawback to his good night's sleep—he had to sleep close to Xanthie for his insomnia to not act up.

And of course, as expected, the straight Xanthie was not bothered by sleeping in the same bed as him at all.

He still remembered Xanthie's second night in his house. He told Xanthie he couldn't sleep properly and his presence would somehow help him alleviate his insomnia, and Mr. Straight Guy just accepted it. Naturally. And let him sleep in the same bed.

"I think I'm going to go crazy..." Kade muttered under his breath and stiffened when Xanthie, who was making breakfast, turned to face him.

"What did you say?"

"Nothing," Kade mumbled and changed the topic. "Are you not going home to Fey? I mean, I'm pretty sure you don't have a meeting this weekend. You can just come back Monday morning."

"Don't bother yourself with Fey. I call her every day."

Kade frowned at Xanthie's back. He liked that Xanthie was here, but if it was at the expense of Fey feeling bad, he'd rather push Xanthie to go home. "Man, you should go home this weekend. Two weeks is a long time for an engaged couple to be away from each other."

"It's fine."

Xanthie's indifferent response was irritating Kade. He left Montréal to get away from Xanthie and Fey and to give them their privacy because Xanthie had a bad habit of always inviting him over  to eat.

Kade was the one who left so Xanthie could focus more on Fey. After all, Kade had chosen friendship and he wanted Xanthie to be happy. But look at this bastard leaving his soon-to-be wife alone for too long.

Kade clicked his tongue. "Xanthie, your priorities are messed up, man. You should go home this weekend."

"How about your insomnia?"

Kade was looking at Xanthie so incredulously that he wanted to smack his head. "It's just insomnia. I'll live. Go and prioritize your bride for fuck's sake. She's going to be your wife, and you're going to build a family with her." His chest tightened, but he continued. "You have to prioritize her more than anyone."

"Now you sound like Grandfather," Xanthie whispered, but Kade heard him.

"Because that's the right thing to do, Xanthie." Kade let out a loud sigh and leaned back in his seat. "If you're not going to prioritize her, you shouldn't have bothered proposing marriage."

Xanthie didn't respond.

Kade glanced at Xanthie's stiff back. He didn't want to say it because he had been really happy with Xanthie here, but Xanthie was different from him. This guy saw him as a family member—like a brother—but the feeling was not mutual on his side. His feelings for Xanthie were not that innocent.

"Xanthie, you should stop caring for me."

Xanthie became even more rigid, and he looked like he was in utter shock when he turned to look at Kade, his eyes asking for an explanation.

Seeing Xanthie's ugly expression, Kade explained calmly, "I didn't mean it in a bad way. You can call me any time to check up on me—"

"So that you can lie to me over the phone?"

Kade stiffened.

Seeing Kade's surprised expression Xanthie scoffed. "What? You think I'm too dumb to notice that something is wrong with you? I'm your best friend, Kade. Who would care for you if not me?"

Kade fixed the expression on his face and smiled at Xanthie as if reassuring him. "I'm fine, Xanthie. Nothing is wrong."

"Yeah, right."

Kade's gaze didn't waver, and he continued looking straight into Xanthie's eyes. "I'm really fine, Xanthie. So go back to your family already."

"You are family, Kade."

"Thank you, but I'm talking about a different kind of family."

Xanthie looked down before facing the stove again. "I'm staying this weekend. I'll go home on schedule."

Kade wanted to scream in frustration. Xanthie had always been stubborn, but this was just too much. He blew out a loud breath and left the kitchen to avoid snapping at Xanthie for being unreasonable.

But he couldn't really reprimand Xanthie. He had an ulterior motive for why he was pushing him to go home.

He didn't want to get used to Xanthie being here. He didn't want to get used to Xanthie's cooking and warmth. Because at the end of the day, Xanthie would leave and go back to Fey.

Wouldn't it be less painful if Xanthie would leave early?

His thoughts were interrupted when he heard his phone ring from his jeans pocket. To his surprise, it was his mother.

"Mom," he said as he entered his studio and closed the door. "What's up?"

"Oh, nothing. I just want to know how my son is doing."

Kade stood in the middle of his studio. "I'm good. How about you?" He was a bit withdrawn as he asked. He didn't really have a pleasant relationship with his mother ever since he came out to her.

For his mother, his sexual orientation falls to the "not normal" category.

He remembered trying his best to be "straight" after he saw how his mother rejected his sexual orientation when he came out to her. She told him it was just a "phase" and that he shouldn't tell his father. Right there and then, he knew that he was not accepted. His mother never said any hurtful words, but he could feel her rejection from miles away. That was the reason he seldom looked at his mother's eyes. He didn't want to see the disappointment in their depths.

"Still there? Kade?"

Kade pulled away from his thoughts as he massaged his temple. "Sorry, Mom. I was just thinking of something."

"Oh. Anyway, as I was saying, your uncle Johan called me last night. He dropped a bomb on me about your cousin. He's getting married."

Kade's eyebrow furrowed. "Keiran is getting married?"

"Yes! Keiran and his partner are planning to hold the wedding here since same-sex marriage is not possible in their home country."

Kade's lips parted. He felt like his strength was zapped out. "Same-sex?"

"Yeah. I was shocked when I heard it, but your aunt Stella seemed like she really adored Keiran's partner, Raiven. She wouldn't stop talking about how amazing her son-in-law is. She's been talking my ear off every call. She always gushes about Raiven..."

Kade subconsciously tuned out his mother's voice as he thought of Keiran. His emotions were all over the place. He wanted to be happy for Keiran, but he couldn't help resenting his cousin. Just when? He assumed Keiran was straight, and he was always compared to Keiran growing up, even more so after coming out to his mother. He couldn't remember how many times his mother told him to be like Keiran, who was heterosexual.

For some reason, he felt betrayed. Not by his cousin, but by the situation he put himself through to be as "straight" as Keiran, just so he wouldn't hear the words "not normal" from the family member whose acceptance meant so much to him.

Kade took a deep breath to control his raging emotions and chaotic mental state. "I'm sorry, Mom. I'll call you back—"

"Wait, Kade, I still have something to say—"

"Bye." He ended the call and hurriedly opened the floor-to-ceiling glass window to breathe. He felt suffocated. He couldn't breathe properly. "Fuck!" He felt like everything was falling apart around him. He was angry and frustrated.

First Xanthie, then his mother, and then Keiran.

With his cold hands, he crouched down, and yanked a handful of his hair out. And gut-wrenching, agonizing scream filled the whole studio. And in that huge house, even with how loud Kade's scream was, it never reached the kitchen—it didn't reach Xanthie.

He was angry, frustrated, and resentful. His emotions were all over the place. He was a mess. And alone inside his locked studio, he screamed to get this suffocating, numbing, excruciating feeling out of his chest.

It was maddening, and it triggered his anxiety. He knew an attack was coming.

Breathing hard and scrambling toward his table in the studio, he pulled open the bottom drawer and took out the medicine that could somehow control his attacks. He swallowed the pill with water from the bottle in the same drawer.

Afterwards, he dragged himself to sit on his chair in front of his table and did the breathing exercise his psychiatrist had taught him.

Breathe in and breathe out then repeat until the pounding in his chest stabilized.

As the hand of the clock moved from seconds to minutes, his mind gradually became clear, but he felt weak, exhausted, and out of strength. This was the effect of the medicine on him.

It calmed his mind, but he got weak to the point of passing out.

Therefore, when the locked door to his studio was forcibly opened, Kade was already out cold while sweat covered his body. He didn't see Xanthie's anxious expression when Xanthie saw him unconscious and pale.

"Kade!"

Kade could vaguely hear and feel someone's presence beside him, not leaving his side. He would sometimes hear a muffled voice, someone calling his name again and again until his subconscious disappeared and he fell deeply asleep.

Oblivious to how many hours had passed, Kade finally came around, and the first thing he saw was Xanthie, who was sitting on the chair in front of his canvas, just staring at his grotesque unfinished painting.

Maybe sensing him awake, Xanthie turned his head to him, and the relief that filled his handsome face was something Kade could never forget.

Xanthie did not ask what happened or why he passed out. All he asked was a simple question but a hard one to answer. "Are you okay now?"

Kade knew he was not okay. He was aware that he was not mentally stable. But he didn't want to burden the people around him, especially Xanthie, who was soon to marry. They would not understand anyway because even he himself could not understand why he was depressed.

And so he smiled at Xanthie. "Hmm. I'm good."

But that smile didn't fool Xanthie. "I'm taking you to see a doctor today. You need a full body checkup."

Kade didn't oppose Xanthie. Rather, his smile remained, and he nodded. He had a feeling that if he resisted, this was going to be a big deal.

He was mentally drained and exhausted, but he still played along and let Xanthie take him to a private clinic.

While waiting for their turn, Kade was asked a series of questions by one of the clinic's admissions clerks. He answered everything until the part where he was asked if he was taking any medication.

There was a pause, but Kade didn't lose his cool in front of Xanthie and the clerk. "It's a medicine for my insomnia. I can't pronounce it right, but I can write it down for you."

The clerk smiled. "That would be very helpful, Mr. Black."

With a calm smile, Kade accepted the paper and pen that the clerk handed to him and then wrote down all the medicines he was taking while pretending to remember the spelling of his medicine for "insomnia."

Below those medicines was a simple note addressed to the clerk: Please keep my medicine confidential from my friend. And then he handed back the paper and pen.

The clerk was so professional that she didn't even blink when she saw what Kade wrote. She continued inputting his patient data then added a note below for the doctor.

'Doctor, the patient wanted to keep his medicine confidential from his friend.'

"Thank you, Mr. Black. You may proceed to the first door on your right. Doctor Reinald is waiting for you."

Kade let Xanthie take the lead, and he followed silently.

After entering the doctor's office, the doctor glanced at Kade then at Xanthie after he read the note sent by his clerk. Seeing the list of medicines the young man was taking, Doctor Reinald easily recognized all the pills and what his patient was going through. Afterward, the doctor proceeded to explain all the medical tests Kade needed to do for a full body checkup.

Kade was obedient and just agreed to everything to avoid suspicion. Xanthie was beside him for every test, and he didn't have the chance to talk to Doctor Reinald privately.

"The result of your medical tests will be available within a week," said Doctor Reinald after doing all the tests. "I can send the results to you via email."

"Thanks, Doc." It was Xanthie who answered politely.

The doctor nodded at Xanthie before glancing at Kade. "By the way, Mr. Black, the medicines you're taking—"

Kade immediately cut off the doctor. "You mean the one for my insomnia? What about it?"

Meanwhile, Xanthie gave Kade a look as he thought, Medicines? Not just one?

"Oh, no problem at all." Doctor Reinald had to mind his words to accommodate his patient's request. "I just want to know if it's effective and if everything is fine?"

Kade nodded with a calm expression. "Yes. Everything is fine. I just visited my doctor a few days ago to check on my insomnia, and it's all good."

"That's good to hear, Mr. Black." Doctor Reinald smiled with a relieved expression on his wrinkled face. "I'm glad."

Kade smiled at the doctor calmly.

Then, after a few short discussions between the doctor and Xanthie about Kade's other physical examination results, Kade and Xanthie excused themselves and left the clinic.

"See? I'm fine." Kade smiled lightly at Xanthie.

"We don't know that yet."

Kade sighed. "I'm pretty sure I'm fine."

Xanthie stopped in front of his parked car; his expression was chaotic. "You're not okay, Kade." He was certain of that now. "Seeing you slump in your seat, not waking up however much I shook your cold body... It was..."

Scary... Xanthie finished his sentence in his head.

Yes. It was scary. He had never felt that kind of fear in his life. That gut-wrenching, agonizing scream that he heard when he was walking toward Kade's studio, it stirred up a different fear he didn't know he had.

Xanthie took a deep breath and looked at Kade who had a laidback smile as if nothing serious had happened.

"Stop smiling. It's annoying."

Kade chuckled and casually wrapped his arm around Xanthie's shoulder. "Stop worrying and let's go home. I'm hungry. Come on."

Xanthie stared at Kade, and Kade gave him a wide unrestrained smile.

If Xanthie didn't hear Kade's scream, seeing this smile, he would've believed that Kade was fine. Kade's smile was too warm and genuine. Just like he remembered.

"Kade."

"Hmm?"

He faced Kade, and with Kade's arm around his shoulder, their faces were just inches apart. "Are you... really okay?"

Kade's smile didn't change as he replied, "Yep. I'm good."

"Don't lie to me." Xanthie's tone became threatening as his face darkened. "I won't let you off that easy if I find out you're lying to me."

Kade chuckled and playfully poked Xanthie's cheek. "Don't make that face. Didn't I tell you that your angry face is adorable?"

Xanthie glared at Kade, and Kade just responded with a laugh before pushing Xanthie to enter his car. "Come on. Let's go home. I'm hungry."

Xanthie could only sigh and get inside his car. Kade followed suit, and the two drove back toward Kade's house in silence.

"So, what do you want to eat?" Xanthie asked as he and Kade stepped out of the car. The breakfast he made for Kade earlier had already turned cold and was not appropriate for a late lunch.

Kade was behind Xanthie, and he absentmindedly answered while replying to Hale's message, "You."

Kade only realized what he just said when he bumped into a frozen Xanthie in front of him.

"Your cooking," Kade immediately corrected himself as casually and smoothly as he could and went past Xanthie, who was still frozen, as if he did not just say something that could tarnish his innocent best friend role.

While entering the kitchen with Xanthie following behind him, Kade inwardly face-palmed while mentally smacking himself.

That was dangerous, Kade thought. I can't lose focus next time. He still had to live with Xanthie for a week and a half. He had to reign in his mouth and watch what he said. He had to hide himself better.

Fuck.

CECELIB | C.C.