CHAPTER 1

A HAPPY SMILE was immediately plastered on Kade's lips after he personally received a wedding invitation from Xanthie. His best friend since grade nine. And upon checking the invitation, his lips curved. "Best man, huh?"

"It's not like I have that many close friends," Xanthie commented as he casually cleaned Kade's messy art studio as if it was the most natural thing to do upon visiting. He was used to it.

"You have Jason," Kade reminded Xanthie.

"Just a neighbor," Xanthie responded lackadaisically.

"How about Stan?"

"Just a colleague."

"Emmett?"

"Just an agent," Xanthie remained indifferent. "You're not allowed to say no, so stop recommending other people. That's your spot."

My spot, huh? Kade mused as he tightened his hold on the wedding invitation.

Suddenly, Xanthie stopped tidying up when he passed in front of Kade's newly finished painting. "Your painting..."

"Hmm?" He glanced at Xanthie's back. "What about it?"

"It has become more disturbing." Kade didn't respond, prompting Xanthie to look at him. "You..." He hesitated for a moment before asking, "Are you okay?"

Kade's paintings had always been unsettling. Xanthie was not an art enthusiast, and he couldn't understand paintings the way others could understand, but these past few months, he had seen subtle changes in Kade's work.

From slightly unsettling to disturbing. It was like through the painting, the painter was being gradually swallowed by the darkness. Painting after painting.

"It's just a theme for my upcoming exhibit," Kade replied indifferently. "So, when's the bachelor party?"

Xanthie turned to Kade with a deadpan look. "Did you not even look at the date?"

"Oh." Kade intentionally did not look at it, but pretended that he forgot. He opened the invitation again to see the date. His eyebrow rose. "Seven months from now?" He looked at Xanthie. "Isn't this invitation too early?"

Xanthie shrugged and went back to tidying up. "Fey said she wanted to be prepared months before the big day to avoid any problems."

Kade nodded before putting the wedding invitation on his table then he returned to his seat in front of a blank canvas. "Just lock the door before you leave."

Xanthie couldn't help staring at Kade's back after he heard those words. He had changed. He and Kade had always been close, but these past few years, especially these past few months, Kade had been distant.

When was the last time Kade accepted an invitation to drink together?

Just like his paintings, Kade was gradually changing. The more disturbing his paintings became, the more distance between them grew.

"Kade?"

"Hmm?"

"Let's go have a drink tonight."

"I have an appointment."

Xanthie was not surprised anymore. "With whom?"

"Commission."

"At night?"

"Yeah."

Xanthie wanted to smack Kade's head. As if that lie would fly, but what could he do? "Whatever. Just call if you feel like drinking. I'm free 'till next week."

"Sure."

Xanthie left Kade's art studio knowing that Kade would never call. Meanwhile, Kade started to paint. He didn't plan what to paint and just let his hand move and followed its rhythm. It was like he was painting a scene out of an unpleasant dream he had but couldn't remember—only his hand could.

It was dark and grotesque.

Then suddenly, out of nowhere, he lost interest and dropped the hand that was holding the brush to his lap. His eyes turned to the table where his art supplies were, and they landed on the sharp cutter knife next to the pallet knives.

His heart throbbed. Fear. Something he couldn't control tried to devour him where he sat.

His whole body became cold. His eyes never left the cutter knife.

Unconsciously, he stood up and approached the table. He knew his hand was reaching for the cutter knife. He was aware of what he wanted to do with it. But he couldn't stop. No, he didn't stop himself even though there was a tiny voice in his head whispering to do it.

Now it was screaming at him to stop, while a much louder voice was urging him to go on.

He held the cutter knife and brought it to his wrist.

Just when he was about to harm himself, he saw a wedding invitation out of the corner of his eyes, distracting him from his initial plan.

Xanthie. He's getting married.

Kade put the cutter knife back on to the table and muttered to himself, "Maybe after his wedding... yeah, let's not give him a bad memory before his wedding. He deserves to be happy."

Uninterested, he went back to sit in front of his canvas again, picked up his brush, and continued the painting he had just abandoned.

Kade easily forgot the time as he succumbed to his overwhelming desire to paint.

A deafening silence hour after hour.

Kade only realized that he had been painting the whole night when the sun peeked through the window in his studio and hit his face.

Morning, huh?

He placed his brush and paint palette down before he quietly took his anti-depressant pill and laid himself on his studio's floor.

He closed his eyes and tried to sleep, but sleepiness didn't come even after hours of staring at the ceiling.

He couldn't sleep. Again. As usual.

Should I take a sleeping pill? But the doctor said not to be dependent on it. How could he not, though? It could make him fall asleep. And being asleep meant there would be no constant thoughts of harming himself.

No constant urges to die. No constant struggle to live. And no constant battle to survive.

Sleep had become synonymous with peace.

While asleep, he was at peace. But he couldn't sleep. He remained awake for hours, battling with all the dark thoughts in his mind.

Calm down. There's still Xanthie's wedding. At least, survive until then. These were the words he constantly told himself when he felt like he was going to snap and succumb to his dark thoughts.

As usual, it didn't work. He still wanted to disappear.

Kade got up and went back to painting. It was his way to distract himself. But he couldn't take it anymore after a few hours. He carefully put down his pallet and brush and went to sit in the corner.

He was afraid. He didn't know why. He didn't know the reason. He was just afraid.

He pressed his back harder against the wall before he folded his knees and hugged himself while trembling slightly. His body was cold. His eyes were bloodshot.

Fear consumed him. He tried to breathe in and out. Long and deep. He tried everything he knew to control his fear, to defeat it, but it was getting worse. His heart was pounding hard.

With trembling hands, he reached for the other medicine in his pocket—the pill that could somehow help his attacks.

Hang in there. Just a few minutes and the medicine will start working. Hang in there. Hang in there.

Kade hung his head low and gripped his own hair with both hands as he waited for the medicine to take effect. His body was cold, he was trembling slightly, and his eyes were squeezed shut while he tried to remember his doctor's advice.

Family... should I go see Mom? But his mother just went through a messy divorce. He didn't want to burden her with his condition. She was already stressed enough. If she knew what was happening to him, it would only add to her burden.

Xanthie? No. I shouldn't. I shouldn't drag him to this. He's getting married.

Hale? No. She's also dealing a lot of shit.

This was one of those times when Kade realized that he didn't really have friends that he could count on. Other than Hale and some acquaintances and colleagues, outside his family Xanthie was really all he had.

After his wedding, what am I going to do? To live, he had to find a reason or a purpose to keep going because he had a feeling that he would really die if he let himself go; though at the same time, he wouldn't mind letting himself go.

He wanted to live and at the same time didn't. What's the point? Even at that moment, he felt empty.

I should've just gone to Hale's club and slept with someone. It always helped, but only temporarily. Because the moment he got home, he would be alone again.

Kade inhaled and exhaled, trying not to think of what he could've done to escape this fear that was eating him up. He didn't even know what he was so scared of. He had no idea. It would just abruptly consume him together with a feeling of emptiness he couldn't bear.

Calm down. Calm down. You're okay. You'll be fine.

Kade didn't know how long he had stayed in the corner. It had gotten dark while he gradually recovered from his attack. He then dragged himself, covered in cold sweat, to his bedroom.

He suddenly felt exhausted, and he wanted to rest.

His house was empty and silent. Only his uneven breathing and weak footsteps could be heard. But he pushed through even when his sight started to blur.

Just a few more steps.

Moments later, Kade passed out cold in the hallway, just outside his bedroom. He couldn't even get himself to bed, but Kade couldn't care less.

He was finally able to sleep. That's all that mattered. Because only in his sleep could he find peace.

***

"AND YOU'RE here again." Hale Gibson, owner of Hale's club couldn't help commenting after seeing Xanthie alone in the bar, drinking scotch. "What's a groom doing here alone? Where's the bride? Trouble in paradise?"

Xanthie didn't look at Hale and continued drinking silently.

Hale's gaze became flat. "Don't make that face. You're getting married. You should be happy and dancing in the clouds."

Xanthie remained silent.

Hale made a drink for herself behind the counter and took a sip. "Hmm. I'm really a talented bartender." She shamelessly praised herself, but there was still no response from Xanthie.

She sighed and drank while keeping an eye on Xanthie who was still silent.

Hale had met Xanthie through Kade. But even though she was closer to Kade, her friendship with Xanthie was not shallow. They had known each other since college.

Long silence passed before Xanthie's voice was heard by Hale. "Is something going on with Kade?"

Hale continued drinking; her expression didn't change as she answered, "Not that I know of."

Xanthie became silent again. After a long while, he spoke. "His paintings have become darker."

"Maybe it's just a theme?"

Xanthie frowned. "That's what he said too."

"Then maybe it's just a theme."

Xanthie wanted to believe that, but in the back of his mind, something was telling him that it might not be the case. "It's good if it's just a theme."

Hale stared at Xanthie before sighing. "Kade's fine. I'm sure he'd tell you if something's up."

"That's what I thought too a few months ago." He finished his scotch. "But I don't know anymore. I feel like something is up."

Hale, who knew the reason Kade was distancing himself from Xanthie, looked away and drank her liquor. "He's just really busy with his upcoming exhibit."

"That's what Mr. Daniel told me too." Mr. Daniel was Kale's agent.

Hale's left eyebrow rose. She was surprised. "You called Mr. Daniel?"

"Yeah. I'd been friends with Kade since high school. He's basically a brother to me. I know when something is up with him."

Hale tried her best not to react to the word "brother" as she thought, I'm pretty sure the feeling is not mutual. "By the way, Xanthie, what's up with your wedding? Why seven months from now? I thought everything was ready."

"Fey is a perfectionist."

"And you have no say in the matter?"

"I'm okay with anything she wants."

Hale could only sigh. Xanthie had always been passive with his relationships. It was as if he didn't care and just would let himself go with the flow. "Did Kade say anything about the date?"

"No. He didn't."

Hale made herself another drink. "Are you going to write a song for your wedding?"

"No. Fey wanted a classic wedding song."

Hale didn't say anything more. She expected that a famous songwriter like Xanthie Lorenz would write a song for his own wedding—he was, after all, known for his deep love songs—but it seemed like that was not the case.

Xanthie exhaled loudly before placing his glass on the bar. "I'm going."

"You're going back to Montréal?"

"Yeah." Xanthie pulled his wallet from his back pocket and put a tip beside his empty glass. "I have to be at the airport in an hour."

"Okay. Have a safe trip."

Xanthie nodded. Before he left, he told Hale, "If something comes up with Kade, call me."

Hale just nodded and watched Xanthie leave. Afterwards, she fetched her phone and called Kade, but it just kept ringing, and she was connected to voicemail.

"This is your babe, Hale. Xanthie just left my bar. He's going home to Montréal. You're free to visit my bar now, you bastard." With a smile, she ended the voicemail and went back to work.

Inside an Uber on the way to the airport, Xanthie leaned back in his seat and closed his eyes.

The only reason he travelled to Toronto was to personally hand his wedding invitation to Kade and Hale. Now that he already did his objective, it was time to return to his home in Montréal.

But just after he arrived at the airport, he received an email from his airline informing him of flight delay. It was moved to 6:20 in the morning.

He grimaced and massaged the bridge of his nose.

"Ah, fuck." He booked another Uber and chose the only address in his "saved places" in Toronto.

Kade's place.

On the way, he called Kade, but he kept getting connected to his voicemail. So he just let it be, assuming Kade was busy painting and his phone was on silent mode.

In less than an hour, his ride stopped in front of Kade's house. He frowned when he saw that it was dark inside.

"Does he really have an appointment?" Wondering about it, Xanthie approached Kade's door and entered the right code to open it.

Entering and closing the door behind him, he went straight to Kade's studio to check while turning on the lights.

Xanthie carefully opened the door to the studio so as not to disturb him if he was painting, but what welcomed him was darkness and silence.

"Kade?"

He opened the door wide and entered while turning on the light.

There was no one inside.

Xanthie stepped out of the studio and called Kade's phone. It just kept on ringing. When he reached the living room, his eyebrows furrowed when he heard the sound of a phone faintly ringing on the second floor.

"Kade?" Xanthie followed the sound and frowned when he saw Kade's phone on the hallway, outside the master's bedroom. "The hell?"

Xanthie picked it up before knocking on the master's bedroom door and carefully opening the it. "Kade?" Same as every other part of the house when he arrived, it was dark.

"Turn on the lights." Xanthie used a voice command to open the lights in the master's bedroom.

He was momentarily blinded by the sudden burst of brightness, and when his eyesight returned, he saw Kade lying on the bed on his front, sleeping.

Xanthie shook his head and used the quilt to cover Kade's body before placing his phone on the bedside table and stepping out of the room. And since he was already familiar with the house, he went straight to the guest room after locking up.

After setting an alarm for the next day, Xanthie decided to go to sleep early since he had to wake up early.

However, his sleep was interrupted in the middle of the night when he heard the door to his room open and he felt the bed dip. He opened his eyes and saw Kade sitting on the edge of the bed, staring at the floor.

Xanthie slightly rubbed his eyes and blinked countless times. "Kade?"

Kade turned to him. "What are you doing here?"

"My flight got delayed."

"Ah." Kade left the bed and went to sit on the long sofa on the side of the room. "When did you arrive?"

"Past nine, I think."

Relief crossed Kade's eyes, but it immediately disappeared. Xanthie didn't see it.

"You look like shit, by the way," Xanthie added, seeing Kade's eye bags.

Kade just chuckled and laid himself on the sofa then closed his eyes as if to sleep. But he spoke. "Xanthie?"

"Hmm?"

Xanthie waited for Kade's next words, but they didn't come. He heard a soft snore instead.

He just shook his head and went back to sleep, his back to Kade. The last thing on his mind was Kade's tone when he called his name.

Kade sounded like he was asking for help.

CECELIB | C.C.