We weren't born to live as island's, neither  were we born to walk alone. If that was the case, why live around people?
If you could do everything yourself why would you need people in your life?

Today , most of our lives are centered around money, jobs and other possessions. I am not saying its a bad thing, neither am I saying its wrong. No! I am no judge of good and bad, right or wrong.

I had an interesting chat with someone I met somewhere today. Let me put down the parts that intrigued me.

Man;I want to marry you and have kids (heirs)
Me; oh! I don't want a man in my life or kids (actually I do) (smiling to myself)
Man; What do you want then?
Me; (pensive for a while, thinking what's he up to?) I want money
Man; (laughs) really?
Just then his friend walked in and greeted us.

Man; you see I just called this friend of mine and he showed up. But if I don't go and take money from where I kept it, it won't come to me. We can't talk to it, we can't drink, we can't depend on it in times of pain.....(and he went on and on)
This man is actually about 20years my senior but he doesn't know (age is a number to me and I interact more with the older people).

That was an innocent chat and I was actually joking over it. At first I thought he was drunk but no! He was perfectly sober at that point.

He didn't know his words had touched me in several ways.

When we are in pain, we need someone to lean on, a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear or just someone to hold us. You really don't have to talk if you don't want to. But the presence of someone at some point helps us not go into moods that are self draining and can make us obsessed.

I realised at some point in life that my life was actually a circle that never seemed to end. People kept coming and leaving. I was frustrated at others and myself. A lot of people hurt me and I hurt people too. I always got back to the same point over and over.

But why was this happening? Everyone else's life seemed to be in check. I was fixing problems here and there but no one stopped to really ask the important question

"Are you OK? What lies beneath the smiles and the jokes and all the talking?"

Once in a while , for those who asked, my response was the customary "I am doing great. I am fine. Nothing to worry about ,its no big deal etc" . While everyone was living , I was existing in their midst, noticing every single detail, observing lives and solving issues like a puzzle.

I decided to count my friends.
I took a pen and a paper, held my phone and sat at some park.

If I was in trouble who would I call?
Who did I actually trust? Who were my friends? Who made time for me? Who made efforts to make me smile?
Who was honest to me? Who did I look up to?  Who played what role in my life?

I had more than five hundred contacts in my phone but I couldn't write out up to TEN friends. And that was just about one tenth of the people I knew.

I had quite a number of people to hangout with, go drinking, dancing, etc but I hadn't friends. When I needed people, they weren't available for me. I made people priorities in my life who regarded me as an option, escape plan, and a liability.

And it hit me real hard. Some people I considered friends didn't live up to expectations,  some left, some made me an option, some just used me for their purposes. So imagine I had only ten friends and all this was still in that number.

So I was almost friendless, alone, in my world. I built a lot of walls to shut me in and it came back to be my downfall.

I don't want many friends, I just want few who truly and really love me and want to see me smile. But that's so hard. Money will make me smile but won't make me happy. If I have money and no one to spend it with, what's the money for?

We all need friends in life, no matter who we are.
Someone I know said this to me ;

You are young and vibrant yet have set your standards so high. Its not bad but its not completely good for you. Relax, let go, stop being everyone's mother. Let someone take care of you too, fuss over you, worry about you, ask if you are OK, provide you with solutions. Stop acting like everything's but fine when it's not, you can't help everyone. Let someone in, give people chances to understand you. Stop solving everyones issues and for once focus on your own person.

We had just met for the first time in person but we had been virtual friends for months.

I don't let  people in , I never show I am weak. I have this you got to be strong, act , don't let them see what you really feel. And so many just don't see past the facade. And that's why I am surviving daily, I have the strength to wake up and go out and come home to bed.

My friend of many years once said ;
Baby girl, you are a shell of yourself. People actually see a strong ad hard person  but you are soft on the inside.
You shut people out everyday, every time and just keep moving. How sick can you get??

This got me laughing.
It was a circle and he was tired of seeing me that way. He always struggled to get things out of me but I got anything ad everything out of him.But that's me. I am the available friend. Ever ready to help, always willing to show up, advice and direct.

Someone asked me  in my friends presence "who punished your friends with you? You are a piece of work ."
My friend said "I wouldn't want her any other way" . I felt amazing. She got my back (the first female I have mentioned... Hahaa).

I have a lot of amazing females in my life whom I truly love and can depend on. Lesley, Emmanuella, Pascaline, Flora,Sally I am grateful for your love and time and friendship. We might be far away but we still hold each others hands. And I know I am not the easiest person to deal with, but you girls still stay by me.Lesley, you are an amazing person inside out. I might have hurt you before, but I still love you. I am sorry for the many times I have hurt you girls and boys/men too.

Friends are like wine, the older they get, the better the friendship. If you love someone, you got be loyal to that person. I would choose loyalty over love every time because when people are loyal to you, they got your back and to me, that's LOVE.

And yes, if I send this to you, you are important to me but until you read all you won't know. I dedicate this to you. Yes you! Hahahaha.

03:15am GMT+1
Friday 15 March 2019