Performance #6
Location: Curling Blue State University Rock Showcase
Date: October 29, 2005

But as I spend more and more time with Jaewon, I can't help but like him more.

The Rock Showcase at CBSU is not a competition. Rather, it is a collaborative event where bands of all skill levels get together and play for one another. Industry greats like my dad can listen in and give feedback. It reminds me of the solo and ensemble contest and CBSU college auditions that I'm preparing for. I'm having to play all sorts of Chopin and Beethoven on top of my Walking on Starlight work, but I don't mind. I love playing it all.

Jaewon and I are still hanging out every Friday. Everybody at school keeps asking me if we're dating, including August, but I just tell them we're friends. I mean, it's technically true. Jaewon and Amber were the first friends I made upon transferring to Curling Blue about a year ago. I know I'm not doing a good job of hiding my crush on Jaewon, but all that matters to me is that his parents don't find out. And if Jaewon himself somehow finds out, I'll just brush it off and explain the futility of it all. I think he'd agree. It's not like he likes me back.

He's told me a lot about his past, in between pizza slices and practice sessions and discussions about the Sengoku Era. He was flat out abandoned as an infant, left in the rain in a cardboard box. The authorities had taken him to Seoul, where a Christian organization headquartered in America kept him as an orphan until some nice white couple could adopt him. "That's where my middle name comes from," he said. "Holt is the name of the adoption service. Korean people don't have middle names."

"Was Jaewon always your name?"

"Hell no. My parents picked it out. Thing is, all I have is the English spelling, no Chinese characters, so I have no clue what it means. It could mean a million different things depending on the characters, but there are none. So I guess it means nothing."

Jaewon doesn't like himself. At all. Which is awful, because he has so many reasons why he should like himself. He's always thinking of other people first, instead of himself. Whereas August wouldn't even hold the door open for me when we dated, Jaewon is always one step ahead, grabbing my favorite pop at and making sure all of our music folders are out for jazz band. Sometimes it's even too much, and I have to wonder if he does all this just to make sure we stay friends. I wish he knew he doesn't have to, that I like him without all this service.

We're all set up for the showcase ahead of time, in one of the rehearsal spaces at Curling Blue's arts building. All Dad has to do is plug everything in and then we're set. The judges sit down, and August introduces us. Then, we start off by finally playing an Avril Lavigne song, like Amber's been requesting for months. Amber refuses to sing, though, which means I'm front and center. We decided our arrangement of this song would start with piano instead of guitars, so it's literally all me.

I'm standing on a bridge
I'm waitin' in the dark
I thought that you'd be here by now
There's nothing but the rain
No footsteps on the ground
I'm listening but there's no sound
Isn't anyone tryin' to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home?

For a minute, I feel all alone on stage, like there's nobody else around. It's just me and the words, carrying me forward. Dad always says to connect with the lyrics if you can, and I know 100% that these are about Jaewon.

It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand?
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are, but I
I'm with you

Amber has a family event after the showcase, so the rest of us stick around for the results. Turns out we actually do pretty well! The judges give us pages upon pages of notes on our sound, our chemistry, and our mix. Their main concerns are that August is taking up too much of the stage and focus, and of course August storms off pissed after that. J.P. leaves after that, which means Jaewon needs a lift back to his parents' house.

"I'm sorry he did that," I say as I drive the Winnebago across town. "I can drop you off at the corner so your parents don't see me."

"Hey," he says, "can we go someplace?"

"Where?"

He shrugs, in the passenger seat. "Anywhere but home."

We end up driving to school, which is closed for the weekend, but the gate is open. Nobody notices us as we drive into the parking lot. It's getting dark out, but not so dark that the lamps are on. Once those are on, they'll really blow our cover, and we'll have to leave. But for now, it's fine. I park a good distance away from the entrance.

"This is great. I didn't want to go anywhere in particular." Jaewon finds the lever on the passenger seat, pulls it, then puts the seat back. "I just really didn't want to go home right now. Thank you, Emmaline."

I put my dad's seat down as well and turn off the car. It's a little chilly, but we'll make do. "Wanna hear about somebody's problems other than your own?"

He laughs. "Emmaline, you ain't got problems."

"Really? Where's my mother, then?"

That makes him stop.

"She's gone," I say. "In case you were wondering."

"Dead?"

"Worse than dead. She was always sick. A combination of one really bad boyfriend and bad genes. Her mother had it, too, but got over it while she was in college, with help of a nice doctor who became my grandfather. But my mom was more secretive than that. My grandparents knew all the signs to watch for. But here's the thing...my mom would eat normally in front of people, or at least appear normal. She'd order lots of food and eat it all in one go. What none of us realized was that she wasn't eating at any other time, and every time she binged like that to seem normal, she'd make herself sick. She had a heart attack one day while I was at school."

I hadn't meant for all of this to come out tonight, but it just...is. Nobody else knows at Curling Blue. Not even August. But hopefully it's making Jaewon think about anything other than his parents right now.

But I've become so invested in my story that I haven't realized Jaewon is holding my hand. "Is she okay?"

"Okay enough. Turns out the eating disorder turned her into some sort of deceptive freak. She had to go to a residential treatment program, one where they can monitor her at all times and watch her food intake. We're not allowed to visit. And she got so mad at my dad -- it's like she turned into this monster. I got out of the house, but she attacked him, nearly tried to bite off his ear, when she learned she'd have to go. She was just so bitter."

And all of the pain comes back to me, the pain of losing a mother who overnight morphed into something she wasn't, because her vice was no longer available. Controlling when and what she ate -- if anything -- was how she got through life. Once she could no longer control that, she couldn't control anything. I've been through three different therapists in Columbus and I'm still not over it. I don't think I'll ever be over it.

"Em," I hear Jaewon whisper, and I realize I'm crying, and I let go. He gets out of his seat, climbs into the driver's seat, and pulls me into his lap. I'm too much of a mess to fight him, and so I sob into his shoulder. I'm not ready to heal from this yet, but having Jaewon here is --

"You didn't have to tell me all of that," he says, stroking my back. "Why did you put yourself in so much pain for my sake?"

"I didn't mean to. This is just pain that I've been ignoring for a really long time." And I realize Jaewon probably gets that better than anybody else I know. I look up at him, and I'm still in his arms in my dad's Wagoneer but I'm falling, falling into his eyes, and he catches me and I'm kissing him, my face still a snotty mess because of all the crying and --

-- shit shit shit that was NOT supposed to happen!

I pull back. His dark brown eyes open, slowly, almost lazy. Then he leans forward and kisses me, and I kiss him back, and we kiss and kiss until the sun goes down and the lights come on in the school parking lot.