Chapter 17

Aut inveniam viam aut faciam. That's a latin phrase means I shall either find a way, or make one.

During my therapies, those times I'm healing myself, I told myself that I should make it. Ilang ulit kong pinatay ang sarili ko pero ilang ulit din akong nabuhay. Nakakapagod, sobra.

But then I realized one thing; it happens because it has a purpose. At first, all I am saying to myself is I want to die already. I want to end all my pains and the voices inside my head. That pushes me to kill myself. Although there's a small voice inside. It's like telling me that, "hey Aingeal, I don't want to die but I don't want to live like this too."

And now that I finally remembered how my parents died, it kills me more. Para akong sinaksak ng ilang libong pana. Nandoon ako noong pinatay sila pero wala akong ginawa. Nandoon ako sa madilim na sulok ng kabinet, umiiyak at nagmamakaawa na huwag patayin ang mga magulang ko. Iyak lamang ang nagawa ko ng mga panahong iyon.

"Aingeal, calm down. Inhale and exhale," nahihirapan man ay ginagawa ko ang sinabi ni Wry. Narito rin kasi sila Lala at ayaw kong may mangyari sa kanila dahil lamang nag-breakdown ako. They're too precious to me.

"S-someone went there that night, Wry. Someone killed them and they know that person," para akong nagsusumbong na bata kay Wry habang mahigpit ang pagkakayakap ko sa kanya. My Lolo is trying to calm my Lala. 

"Don't push yourself to remember it all Aingeal. Take it one step at a time. Don't pressure yourself," hindi ako sumagot sa kanya bagkus ay patuloy na rumaragasa ang mga luha sa mga mata ko. Rinig na rinig din ang bawat paghikbi ko.

"That's the memory you tried to forget. Hayden..." He paused and I felt him sighed.

"He told me that you created a wall inside your head just not remember those painful recollections."

So he knew all along? But he didn't say anything. He just stayed with me, saving me silently.

"Wry," tawag ko dito pagkatapos bumitaw na mahigpit na pagkakayakap sa kanya. Tila ba nahiya ako bigla. He's not Hayden but he became a good doctor to me.

"Please, help me heal the broken pieces inside my head."

---

I was in the field again. This is really my favorite spot in my stay here in Australia. It's been so long.

This place witness how I got up from falling to walking again. I smiled as I inhaled the fresh air.

Walking that line, at first makes me backout already. That is one of the reason why I tried harming myself. I'm afraid what might happen to me. I'm afraid what will the doctor says to me. I'm afraid to accept that I really have a mental illness.

But like what people say, taking risk can bear a good fruit too.

I'm not saying that every one is like me. We have different stages, a different path and thinking. Some can rest and some can continue. It's alright. It's just that I choose to continue my fight.

Like what Hayden told me before, life is a battlefield. It is, indeed.

It's not easy to get up. I was a scared cat. But by staying here and knowing other people, I found out that humans has a dangerous mind. We harm ourselves or some harms others. We spit words that we regret later on. We do things that we will pay not too soon. Humans do have different way to work their minds.

"Aingeal!" Kumaway ako kay Lolo habang tumatawa naman si Lala sa tabi niya na may dala-dalang basket katulad ni Lolo. Agad akong tumakbo para tulungan sila sa kanilang buhat.

Naisipan naming mag-picnic dito sa lugar kung saan ako nalalagi tuwing maraming tumatakbo sa isip ko. This place also helped me heal myself.

"Apo! Maligayang kaarawan ulit!" Bati muli nilang dalawa sa akin kaya napangiti ako. Right, it's my birthday today. It's been two years and three months since I left them. Kamusta na kaya sila? Kamusta na kaya si Aling Fely? Is she doing fine? Si Miles kaya, kamusta na sila ng girlfriend niya? And Hayden, how was he? I miss him.

"Salamat Lala and Lolo,"

Inilatag namin ni Lolo ang tela habang sila Lala naman ang nag-ayos ng mga laman ng basket na dala nila. Pinauna nila ako dito dahil sabi ni Lala ay may surpresa sila sa akin ni Lolo. Kanina pa ako atat na atat na malaman kung ano iyon.

"Lala ano po iyong surpresa niyo sa akin?" Hindi makatiis na tanong ko. Natawa naman ilang dalawa sa akin bago inilabas ang isang box mula sa mas malaking basket na dala kanina ni Lolo.

"Buksan mo na Aingeal," ngiting ngiti silang dalawa kaya naman walang alinlangan na binuksan ko ang kulay kahel na box.

"Lala," naiiyak na sambit ko. "Lolo, ano po ito?" Baling ko kay Lolo na naiiyak na ring nakatingin sa akin.

Maraming laman ang box pero natuon ang pansin ko sa picture frame na nasa ibabaw mismo ng mga regalo. It's a photograph of me with the people I left when I went here. When we took this picture?

"They miss you a lot, apo. Most of the gifts inside were sent by them, especially that photograph," I miss them too, Lolo.

I miss the sunset in the bay. I miss how my neighbors care for me. I miss how we communicate to each other. I miss those times I'm helping Aling Fely and Nanang Mila. I miss their smiles. I miss Ate Sheneal inviting me in their house while me and Miles will talk about her girlfriend secretly.

I miss Hayden's warmth too. I miss his encouraging words. I miss everything about him. I miss the best man I've met.

Inilapag ko sa tabi ko ang frame bago tinignan ang iba pang regalo sa akin. May mga prutas na alam kong galing pa sa munting taniman ni Aling Fely at ni Nanang Mila. Mayroon ding damit na alam kong galing kay Ate Sheneal. Isa iyong summer dress na kakulay ng mga damo kung nasaan kami at isa pang pares ng damit at pants. Ate Sheneal really knows my fashion already.

May nakita rin akong isang bracelet na alam kong galing kay Miles dahil sa smiley face na disenyo nito. Iyon lamang ang palamuti ng porselas. Agad kong iyong sinuot at tuwang tuwa naman sila Lolo. Si Lala nga ay kinakain na ang bayabas na hinugasan ni Lolo para sa kanya.

Halos umiyak muli ako dahil sa isang regalo na hindi ko inaasahang maibibigay sa akin. I've been dreaming of having a client ever since I've passed the board exam. Indeed that I got offers from different companies but I declined most because of what happened to me.

Pansamantala akong tumigil sa pagtupad ng pangarap ko dahil inuna ko ang sarili ko na siyang hindi ko naman pinagsisihan. Isama pa na namomroblema pa ako sa sarili naming kompanya.

Kaya naman hindi ko talaga ito inaasahan. It's a contract, my first contract as an architect if ever I will accept the offer. And my client is no other than Hayden.

He's planning to build a mini clinic. He really love his profession. But what caught my attention is he also wants to build a house in our subdivision near the sea. What?! Does he already have someone in his life?

"Why apo?" Agarang tanong sa akin ni Lala nang mapansin na bigla akong napasimangot.

"Don't be sad, apo. The surprise isn't yet finished," binaliktad ni Lala ang sulat at doon ko lang nalaman na may nakasulat pa pala doon.

We're rooting for you. Come home when the moon is ready. I love you.

Ngayon ay hindi ako umiiyak dahil nasasaktan ako kundi dahil sobrang saya ko. Hindi ko maipaliwanag ang nararamdaman ko ngayon.

"You love him too." Deklara ni Lala na hindi man lang nagdalawang isip. Para bang alam na alam nito na iyon talaga ang nararamdaman ko kahit hindi pa man nila nakikita si Hayden o nakikilala.

"Wouldn't you scold me, Lala?" Si Lolo ang natawa sa tanong ko.

"We won't apo. You're already in your proper age. We will support you no matter what,"

"Thank you, Lala and Lolo." Bulong ko na may kasamang ngiti sa labi.

"And here's our last surprise for you," si Lolo naman ngayon ang may iniabot sa akin na sobre. Nagtataka man ay binuksan ko iyon.

"Oh my gosh," bulalas ko nang makita ang laman ng sobre.

"Aingeal, let's go home."

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