This chapter has been beta-read by: Sakura's Unicorn

Despite the late hour, the notion of camping out until daybreak isn't even brought up. Everyone is eager to return to Konoha in the hope that someone will be able to reverse the condition Kakashi's students (and their charge) find themselves in.

Even with that incentive, however, the group is moving slower than they could be. Kakashi doesn't question this; being a teenager is awkward on a normal day. Suddenly finding themselves in a completely new body must be stressful. Just walking appears to be difficult for them.

In the light of the glow sticks Kakashi broke open and passed around, he can see Naruto wobbling about like he's trying to find his centre of balance with such long legs and long neck. With every step, Condor unconsciously bobs his head in an avian fashion while muttering to himself. Sasuke and Sakura don't have the same problems adjusting to an entirely new species in addition to a body. However, that doesn't make the unexpected sex-change an easy transition either.

Sasuke is probably not used his new tread, and so ends up stomping everywhere, making even more noise than Naruto. Sakura, on the other hand, seems to be having difficultly with the extra few inches and altered muscle mass. She's compensated by completely changing the way she moves; her shoulders are hunched inward like she's trying to appear smaller, and she walks gingerly as if wearing a kimono instead of shorts and boots.

The whole thing is painful to watch.

It's giving me a headache, and I'm the one still in my own skin.

Of course, that could also be because – spontaneous body-swap aside – his team are still loud and annoying.

"Tra-la-la! I can't heeeeear you!" Condor sings off-key, scrunching his eyes closed and scowling.

"Would you shut up?" Sasuke growls.

"Who are you talking to anyway?" Sakura wants to know.

"The fox, of course," Condor replies with a roll of the eyes. "He won't leave me alone." Naruto squawks a skeptical query. "Well, it's not a surprise you've never heard him. You're incredibly dense. You barely even notice when people are addressing you, let alone someone in your head. But for more intellectual minds, such as myself –"

"You literally have a bird brain, what are you talking about?" Sasuke mutters.

Kakashi snorts because it's still very odd to hear such outright insulting commentary from Sakura's mouth. She does her share of complaining about Naruto, but most of the time, her words are wielded more out of fond exasperation than with an intention to hurt. Sasuke has never had that compunction.

Speaking of Sakura...

He's been watching her since they left the shrine in the clearing. Other than the occasional timid question, she's been unnaturally silent. At first, he wondered if she was honestly so bothered by Sasuke's glaring that she was being quiet so as not to antagonize him further. He's seen her carry out even more bizarrely accommodating actions for the oblivious boy, so the theory isn't far-fetched.

That's not it, however, because she's not even looking at Sasuke. In fact, he would say for the first time ever, Sakura is actively avoiding her teammate's gaze. At the same time, she eyes Naruto and Condor speculatively. Even on a different face, that particular frown is characteristic of Sakura trying to work things out.

"What is it, Sakura?"

"What?" she squeaks, straightening up with a guilty expression, as if he's caught her doing something illegal. Sasuke looks back as well, raising an eyebrow in challenge, and Sakura waves her hands nervously. "Nothing! Nothing's wrong! All good here! I'm fine!" She focuses her attention on her feet, shoulders hunched once more, radiating discomfort.

I bet I know what this is about.

Kakashi is still astounded at how easily Sasuke and Sakura took the news about Naruto's status as a vessel for the Nine-Tails. He isn't sure any other kids from their generation would be so understanding, but both Sakura and Sasuke have their own experiences being judged on matters beyond their control.

Sasuke is the last Uchiha, and even though his family are rarely mentioned within his hearing, it's a standard he's always held to. Even before they were massacred, the Uchiha were not the most sociable clan in the village, so kids and adults alike give him a wide berth. Kakashi suspects that even if Sasuke's family had lived, he would have been a very lonely kid. Especially with a genius brother like Itachi...

For her part, Sakura faces a different kind of challenge; as the child of civilians who never made it past genin level, she's always had to prove to her classmates and teachers that she belongs. Regardless of her intelligence, she will always be considered handicapped by her lack of illustrious shinobi blood.

In both cases, people have made judgements about them based on circumstances neither can control. It's probably what made the news about Naruto a little more palatable. But at the same time, Kakashi knows that the confused situation they've found themselves in has leeched a little of the impressiveness out of the whole Nine-Tails thing.

He considers Sakura again, noting how the furtive glances are becoming more frequent. She's chewing on her lip now like she wants to say something but isn't sure how.

At some point, the penny's going to drop, and I should probably head it off before that happens.

It's been an effort and a half to get the kids to see each other as teammates; he doesn't want all that work wasted just because the damned Yamanaka were lax about removing a chakra trap.

So, deal with this problem first, and once it's fixed, deal with the Nine-Tails issue.

Which means actually talking to them, instead of just hoping they figure things out on their own the way he usually does, as well as encouraging them to be more open with one another.

Fucking great...

Kakashi isn't the kind who likes to share his feelings. Though he's familiar enough with his students to know them well, he doesn't want to give them a catch-all pass for oversharing their lives with him. He's their trainer, not their mother. But if this takes longer than a day or so, they need to have someone.

All right. Here goes. I really hope I don't regret this...

"Sakura, Sasuke – I know this must be very confusing for you both. I'll do my best to help you however I can," he begins, noting Sasuke crossing his arms and scowling, clearly unimpressed with the hypothetical olive branch. "Naruto – you're going to have to get over not liking Condor. Unless you miraculously learn to speak within the next hour, he's the only mouthpiece you have." Naruto hisses. "And Condor, you've never been human before and there are things you're going to have to learn to deal with very fast. You're part of our team now, and we trust, respect, and support our members."

He feels like he's talking to a five-year-old.

"Maybe Condor should take the bell-test then," Sakura mutters then, looking surprised at her candor, holds up her hands in defense. "Sorry! Sorry! That slipped out!"

Why do I get the feeling things are going to be 'slipping out' a little more often from now on?

"If that in any way involves communing with this foul-mouthed predator for help, then no," Condor sniffs. "I give him an opening, he'll eat me!"

"Ignore the fox. That's the best thing you can do for now. But if you sense that the seal is weakening, you speak to me and I'll help you."

"Why not just go directly to the Hokage?" Sasuke asks. "The Nine-Tails is a village matter, right?"

"He'll send for me anyhow," Kakashi dismisses. He chooses not to add that the reason for this is the potential his Sharingan has to deal with a rampaging tailed beast. Then he turns to Sakura. "So, with all of that in mind, are you sure there's nothing you want to ask about or...talk about?"

Still resembling a deer in the headlights, Sakura eyes Naruto and Sasuke nervously and then sags in something like defeat. She gestures for Kakashi to come closer.

He obliges, bemused, bending over to bring his ear closer to the kid's mouth.

"I have to pee," Sakura whispers almost guiltily.

Kakashi blinks not having expected that. "So?"

Sakura gives him a look that suggests he's an utter moron and bites out, "I don't know how."

Kakashi nearly smacks himself in the head because of course that's the issue. A thirteen-year-old girl has probably never had to think about how a boy goes to the bathroom. He opens his mouth, wondering how exactly he's supposed to explain this, but notices her eyes still darting to her teammates and the bird like she's waiting for the ground to swallow her up. When her eyes train on him – wells of utter misery and pleading – he realises she's asking him for something without uttering the words.

He reaches up and drags his hand across his face. "You're kidding, right?" he asks, hoping against hope that he's reading the situation wrong.

There's no reason she can't figure this out for herself, really. She's supposed to be smart and –

Sakura blushes and stares down at her feet, radiating the same discomfort that Kakashi has witnessed torture victims give off. She shuffles her toe in embarrassment, the gesture something no one in Konoha has ever seen Sasuke do.

Kakashi sighs. I hate being an adult.

Pawning the unhappy task off on one of the others won't do. Naruto's a bird, Condor would probably say the most appalling thing he could think of to make the situation worse, and Sasuke...well, at this point, he thinks Sasuke is ready to set people on fire—whether he still has the ability to use fire jutsu or not.

"Come with me," Kakashi sighs, nodding toward a thick growth of bushes several yards away.

Teaching a thirteen-year-old girl how to pee while she's possessing the body of a boy is not what Kakashi signed up for when he became a ninja.

ナルト

Upon realising exactly why his teacher and his teammate have disappeared into the bush, Sasuke finally understands what people mean when they say they could 'die of mortification.' He honestly can't think of any other time in his life when he's wanted his heart to just give out before he suffers one more minute of utter embarrassment.

Even getting kissed by Naruto in front of their entire graduating class wasn't this bad.

It doesn't help that the moron isn't sharing in his turmoil right now, but laughing at him again. Those choking, honking sounds are definitely the bird version of laughter. Meanwhile, Condor is giving him a mocking, superior look.

"You humans have such odd taboos and behaviours about defecation," he comments matter-of-factly. "There are more important things in life to worry about."

Which might be true, but it's a bit hard to dwell on anything else just now.

Humiliation aside, Sakura's sudden need to answer the call of nature once more highlights the fact that they all need to get used to their borrowed bodies. Even if they're only stuck like this another few hours (and Sasuke very carefully avoids thinking of Kakashi's ominous mention of days), in their line of work, they can't afford to be handicapped by less-than-optimal circumstances.

And if we don't fix this soon, having to take a piss will be the least embarrassing part of this whole situation.

The human need to rid itself of waste is an unavoidable, involuntary function, just the same as breathing or eating. Don't do it, and you're in for a lot of pain and eventual death. Luckily, it's not something that requires much brain function and can be safely pushed to the back of one's mind once it's over and done with.

But there are certain things that can't quite be ignored, and unfortunately, they aren't matters that can be avoided, either. Even if they aren't necessarily needed for survival.

Particularly in the life of a shinobi.

Hygiene, for one.

Don't think about it. It's not going to happen. We'll get back to the village, and this will be fixed and nothing but a bad memory. He scowls. Another one.

Sakura and Kakashi return now, both their faces bright red and their gazes studiously turned away from one another.

"Well, let's keep going," Kakashi announces, speed-walking ahead of them, as if distance between him and the utterly insane situation will fix it somehow. Sasuke is tempted to follow, but as Kakashi disappears into the shadows, Sasuke realises his new body offers him more problems than just potential embarrassment.

Like the fact he doesn't have a Sharingan anymore.

It feels almost like a physical blow, one that's harder to shrug off than he would have imagined.

On the immediate, practical side, the world around him seems duller now. It isn't that Sakura's eyesight is as bad as he thought earlier – with her contact lenses, it's on par with his normal vision. However, he has become so used to training his Sharingan in recent weeks, keeping it ready for activation just below the surface, that normal eyesight doesn't cut it anymore. Ever since they started toward the village, Sasuke has had to double check every shadow and suspicious shape to make sure what he's seeing is really there.

It's annoying.

On a deeper, more jarring level, there's also the knowledge that the last link he has to his family is no longer his. Itachi took everything else from Sasuke except for the Sharingan – it's the one thing he couldn't take – and now, Sasuke doesn't even have that.

He clenches his fists, nails that are longer than he's used to cutting into his palms.

Her palms.

Palms which are actually rougher than he would have thought.

There are callouses on the fleshy parts from holding kunai and tiny scars between her fingers where sharp shuriken have nicked skin.

Strange to think of Sakura actually training...

It's not something he really pays attention to in their free time. Even when the squad gathers for exercises, she mostly just referees bouts between him and Naruto—there's never a question of him sparring with her. Not that what he and Naruto do can truly be called sparring in the strictest sense. It's usually Naruto demanding he fight him, Sasuke pretending he can't hear until the blond idiot is red in the face and positively spitting, then Sasuke magnanimously giving in.

Or just throwing a punch to shut him up which brings about the same result.

Either way, Sasuke gets to practice and the moron can delude himself by thinking he's earned something. However they both choose to view their fisticuffs, Sasuke has never had to hold back from beating Naruto bloody. The idea of doing the same to Sakura is inexplicably unsettling, not least of all because her abilities are far below Naruto's.

Or at least far below his when he's not possessed by a nine-tailed demonic fox spirit. How does that even work, anyway?

Still, it's a bit gratifying to know that Naruto was never really better than him, whatever Kakashi has to say about the subject.

Though, at some point, he could still become better. With all that power locked away? If he'd stop goofing around all the time like a loser, he'd actually be a challenge.

Sasuke is surprised to note the burning, angry sensation in his stomach at that. He knows from experience – from enduring his father's constant praise for Itachi – that it's jealousy.

Not of Naruto, he insists before the unwelcome voice can comment. But if I had access to the Nine-Tail chakra, Itachi wouldn't be a problem.

For the first time in his entire life, he wishes he could switch places with the other boy. Just for a little while. He'd take on the (now understandable) hatred of an entire village if it led him to avenge his family.

It's probably an unhealthy reaction to the news that his knucklehead teammate holds within him the same creature that destroyed their village almost thirteen years ago. But, then again, Sasuke was too young to even remember the event itself, so he has no real emotional connection to the attack. He does recall his aunts and uncles talking about it. Older cousins and friends repeated the story in hushed voices, always with an undertone of deep resentment.

His cousin Shisui once mentioned in passing that the reason the Uchiha clan lived on the outskirts of Konoha was somehow related to the Nine-Tails rampage.

Maybe the thing inside Naruto demolished the old compound. Which would explain why people were pissed.

Sasuke doesn't know if it would have made a difference in his life if the creature hadn't done anything to the old compound. There's always the smallest possibility that, if the Uchiha had been closer to the center of the city, someone would have noticed and tried to help the night that Itachi –

Stop it.

He decides to heed the unwelcome voice in his head for once. He can't change the past. It's best to just move forward with his goals: kill Itachi and restore the clan. To do that, he has to survive.

And to do that, he has to make sure if something happens to them from now until Konoha, he can survive long enough to get his body back. He needs to protect himself.

And my 'other' self. Which means...

He groans silently and forcibly reminds himself to remain clam.

This is just a temporary difficulty. It's the same as when he and Naruto got stuck together. Sasuke simply needs to adapt long enough to overcome the obstacle because a talented shinobi can adapt to anything. Dwelling on discomfort and frustration in the wake of setbacks will not help. He just needs to think things through.

Which should be easier now because I've got Sakura's brains, and she's smarter.

As maddeningly true as that might be, the last thing Sasuke wants to do right now is talk to the girl occupying his body. He doesn't know how to manage it without the blood rushing to his face, showing off exactly how uncomfortable he is about all of this. But his body is unwieldy and clumsier than he's ever been in his life and he needs to know how to work around that.

Just suck it up already, coward.

He scowls, but the voice at the back of his head is right. There's no point in putting this off.

"Hey...Sakura," he begins uncomfortably, trying to keep his new, chirping voice low enough to not attract attention from the others, "Come here..."

ナルト

For as long as she can remember, Sakura has dreamed of the day when Sasuke would ask to spend time with her. She's had it all planned out in her head; it may or may not have involved flowers and chocolate and ended with her claiming his first (technically second – damn it, Naruto!) kiss.

Since joining Team 7 and getting to know him better, however, she's let go of those silly fantasies. She tells herself that she's becoming more mature, a woman who will, one day, be able to charm him with her abilities, as well as the looks she tries so hard to maintain.

Still, it hurts that he is so palpably unimpressed, even as he pulls her aside so they can figure out the quirks of their (hopefully) temporary bodies.

Sakura decides there's nothing else but to show him that she'll do her best to live up to his abilities while she's stuck being Sasuke.

Totally easier said than done...

She can barely keep herself from tripping and falling in front of him when she's in her own body, but in a borrowed one? A body that feels heavy and unwieldy one moment and seems to have the reflexes of a spring-trap the next?

Hoping for clues of where to start first, she chances a peek over at Kakashi. As they walk, he is trying to show Condor the elementary hand signs – a possibly futile task if the vein in his temple is anything to go by.

"It's really not that complica—"

"How the devil do you expect me to do that?!"

"Bend your fingers!"

"Wait. They bend?"

"Forget it," Kakashi groans. "Maybe we should start with something easier. Chakra control."

"Oh yes! Let's do that!" Condor nods eagerly. "I want to duplicate myself like the knucklehead can."

"Aside from the fact that you need to learn hand signs before you can do that, you'll have to ask Naruto for pointers on technique," Kakashi replies, "I'm not sure how much of that is his own chakra and how much is drawn from...elsewhere."

The Nine-Tails.

Sakura shudders at this.

It weirds her out too much to think about. It suddenly makes horrible sense why her parents were so unhappy when she announced who her squad would include. At the time, she thought it was because they shared her dismay at being saddled with a barely-capable shinobi as a teammate. Now, she realises that they must know about Naruto.

All the adults who were around the night of the Nine-Tails attack must know and that's why everyone always gives him those dirty looks.

She always wondered, but never brought it up. It was easier to just go along with how Ino and the other girls treated Naruto. Now, though, Sakura feels terrible.

Not as bad as Naruto must feel. Knowing the people in the village hate him for something he had nothing to do with? I mean, it's not like he asked to get a demon stuck in him.

She knows that the Fourth Hokage is responsible for defeating the Nine-Tails, but the stories don't ever talk about what happened to the demon.

Did he just decide to use Naruto because he had no parents? I bet if he had parents this never would've happened.

The idea isn't particularly comforting and, rather against her will, Sakura finds herself going over every instance in which she has treated Naruto badly.

I'm going to have to do something to make up for all that once we get out bodies back. Maybe I'll let him taken me out for ramen one day. I'll let him call it a date, if he really wants to. Only once, though. I don't feel that guilty –

"Sakura."

She jumps, her musings interrupted by Sasuke grimacing at her.

"Oh, right," she says, offering him an apologetic smile. "Sorry. I was just trying to think of what we could start with. I mean, maybe not what they're doing –"

"How am I supposed to do anything with my arms flailing all over the place whenever I move?" Condor demands, drowning her out.

"That's why you have to keep them tucked in beside you," Kakashi bites out.

"It's like having large parasites attached to my shoulder – and it makes me look ridiculous when I run. Not just me, mind you. I noticed before—you all do it. It's utterly silly looking."

Naruto honks angrily and tries to kick Condor, but ends up overbalancing on his bird legs instead and squawking in indignant embarrassment.

" – but maybe something easy," Sakura continues doubtfully, considering their surroundings. "How about walking up trees?"

She knows this is something he's perfected ever since their mission in the Land of Waves.

"Fine," he grunts and trudges over to a nearby tree to get started. After a few failed attempts to simply walk up the tree as he's used to, he eventually gives in and takes a run for it, the way anyone just learning would.

Sakura winces as his feet connect with bark. She can see his problem right away.

On a normal day, Sasuke doesn't have perfect chakra control and needs to adjust. She supposes he compensates in some way, distributing it through his system and focussing more. Her body is already geared to generate the perfect amount. Because of his natural inclination to add more chakra, he ends up punching a hole through the trunk of the tree he's trying to climb.

Sakura winces as she watches him keel over, hanging upside down by a trapped foot.

"You're putting too much force into it," she tells him gently. "You really don't need to –"

"I KNOW!"

But he clearly doesn't because, after freeing himself and attempting several more ineffective climbs, he's only succeeded in making three more footprint-craters.

Sasuke looks like he's ready to strangle the nearest living creature.

"Hey, let's take a break," she says quickly. "You can teach me how to use your Sharingan."

She won't admit out loud how curious she is to see what Sasuke sees when using his kekkei genkai. She's already noticed that she can see a lot better than usual in this body – the world, in spite of the dark and lateness of the hour, is oddly distinct.

Sasuke must be out of sorts about the whole chakra control thing, considering how readily he agrees.

"Let's keep walking, or we'll get left behind," he says tersely. He limps over and Sakura winces at the ring of bruises around his – her right calf. She wonders if it would seem childish to ask him not to break her body. "You can work on that while we walk."

"How?" Sakura asks, falling into step with him.

"It's like..." Sasuke trails off, frowning like he's trying to remember the answer to a particularly tricky test question. "It's like forcing tears out of your tear ducts only, instead of expending the energy crying, you redirect it to the muscles in the eye itself."

"So, you...force your feelings out through your eye?" Sakura questions and Sasuke wrinkles his nose at the descriptor.

"No. It's just a trigger to call up the tomoe. Once you've done that, your vision improves and the brain automatically compensates."

"That makes no sense."

"Well, it's the best I can do," he snaps. "It's instinctual for me. No one ever had to explain it."

"Okay, okay," Sakura placates him, hands up defensively and a nervous smile on her face. His face. "I'll work on it."

Her smile doesn't put him at ease; if anything, he looks even more annoyed. Still, he at least graces her with a terse, "Fine."

The dismissal is clear, but Sakura doesn't want to let it go so easily.

"What about...what about your fire jutsu?" she asks tentatively.

"No."

The word is out of his mouth before she's even finished the final syllable.

"Why not?"

"If you really want to learn it, go ask Kakashi," Sasuke tells her, the pinched expression on his face suggesting she has asked him to do something horrible like litter on his parents' graves. "He knows how."

"Oh. Okay."

She senses it's best not to argue. Instead, she takes a deep breath and looks around the dark canopy of trees, squinting hard to determine if it will help her see better. Thinking on Sasuke's advice, she blinks very quickly several times, trying to work up tears and somehow...see through them.

It's a good thing Sasuke's great ambition in life isn't to become a teacher...he sucks at it.

She feels silly, and all the concentration is giving her a headache. After several minutes, it's no longer hard to force the tears; they're coming from the effort and pain.

"Hey! Stop that!" Sasuke orders suddenly, and she realises he's been watching her the whole time.

"Stop what?"

"That! You're making me cry!"

She blinks, her lashes heavy with moisture, and then protests, "I'm not making you do anything. This is me right now – and it's what you told me to do!"

"I said just before you cry, not when you start," Sasuke retorts, looking utterly horrified by the sight of his face with tears on it. "Come on! Knock it off!"

"I can't just turn it on and off, Sasuke!" Sakura snaps, getting angry at him for the first time since this whole fiasco started. "And you yelling at me isn't exactly helping!"

"I'm not yelling, and even if I was, it's not my fault you're –"

Sasuke cuts himself off as he accidentally walks into something very solid. "Hey, what's wrong with you?" he demands, pulling away to note he has ploughed directly into Kakashi's back.

"Stop talking," their teacher orders instead of providing an answer, "and stop moving."

"Why?"

"Shut up and look around," Sakura interrupts in a low voice, eyes flitting around the darkness. She might not have the Sharingan, but she can make out enough in the shadows cast by Kakashi's glow sticks to realise they're not alone.

In fact, as humanoid shapes materialize around their little group, she would say 'surrounded' is the more accurate term.

ナルト

It's immediately clear that Team 7 has the worst luck in existence because that's the only way Naruto can explain finding themselves hemmed in on all sides by a dozen or so motley-looking individuals. His eyes dart around, taking in their new circumstances. Naruto might not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but it's immediately clear even to him that they are definitely in trouble.

We've gone days without running into trouble – aside from that village – and now that we definitely don't want to run into anyone, we stumble on everyone?! Yeah, I think someone's playing a joke on us...

The ragtag group carries an assortment of weapons and is dressed in simple but hardy clothes. There's a lingering smell among them, like people who haven't bathed in a while, and none of them wear forehead protectors.

Probably not ninja, but they've got weapons. Mercenaries?

Any other day, Naruto would think it an awesome adventure to run into mercenaries because it would mean he could test his strength against them. He knows under normal circumstances, Sasuke would feel the same. But right now, his friend looks like he's been punched in the stomach. Sakura pales and even Kakashi is tense.

Team 7 stares at the newcomers, and they stare right back in total silence. Until, of course, Condor breaks it.

"Well, this is just disgraceful," he sniffs, glowering at Kakashi. "Shouldn't you have seen this coming?"

"Would you shut up?" Naruto demands, suddenly very aware that this stupid bird might get him killed for mouthing off. At least when he does it, he has a bunch of shadow clones to back him up.

"Well...what do we have here?" one of the grungy-looking men murmurs, taking a step forward. He's the biggest and ugliest of the bunch with a face like a potato and a chest like a barrel. He's flanked on both sides by two muscular human boulders. "Looks like a circus troupe."

"Sounds like one too, boss," one of the lackeys sniggers.

"Not too smart, making noise like that in such a place at night," the first man continues, eyes roving over Sakura in a way that Naruto really doesn't like – and then giving him a similar look. "Look. They've even got a bird."

"You want a piece of me?" Naruto challenges, even though his words go unheeded. Meanwhile, Kakashi merely chuckles nervously. "Hey, what the hell are you laughing about, Sensei? Are you crazy?"

But Kakashi simply adopts a relaxed posture and rubs the back of his head. "Whoops," he says lightly, offering the meaty-looking leader a sheepish look. "Wrong turn on the way to the ditch."

The leader's beady eyes narrow slightly, but he smiles. The gesture is cold. "Is that so?"

This is an elite jōnin? He's seriously lost his mind!

"Yep. Definitely. We're on a nature-hike, you see. Sorry if my students and I intruded on your...dark and dreary clearing." Kakashi actually looks at the men around them now. "We need to get back to our camp, though. Come on, kids."

Even as Kakashi makes to turn around, two of the men shadowing them from behind brandish swords.

"Oh, I don't think you want to leave just yet," the leader says with false cheer. "Not when we have so much to discuss."

"Oh?" Kakashi says, sounding politely interested.

"Stop making small talk!" Naruto yells. "Am I going to have to save our asses, as usual? Should I bite him? I can bite him if that'll cause a distraction. Condor! Tell him I can bite this guy!"

"You don't have teeth so, no, you can't bite him," Condor hisses out of the corner of his mouth.

"Oh. Right. Well, we need to do something! Tell Kakashi that we need to get out of here and fast! He has to come up with some kind of plan!"

"You're ninja, judging by the headbands. From Konoha, I guess. Pretty awful ninja, though. You make more noise than a pen of stuck pigs."

Kakashi winces at that.

"Hey, we're not that bad!" Naruto cries.

"And you," the leader continues, staring at Kakashi, "I'm pretty sure I've seen your picture somewhere. Maybe the last time I glanced through a bingo book? It's been a while. I could be wrong."

There's something about his tone that Naruto doesn't like.

"Only shinobi have access to a bingo book," Kakashi says with false levity.

"True. But not everyone who starts off as a shinobi has what it takes, you know?" the man says with a smirk. "Some of us find...better paying work."

"You're bandits!" Sakura bites out, disgust evident in her tone. "Thieves!"

"Sak – Sasuke," Kakashi warns without turning around. "Don't antagonize the large man with the weapons."

Naruto hears an unspoken yet there, and tenses up. He's not sure what he's going to do, but he wants to be ready in case Kakashi needs him.

"No need to get so defensive," the potato-faced man chuckles then rubs his chin thoughtfully. "I'm inclined to let you go. I don't generally like trouble. I'm no fool, you see – more of a businessman."

Kakashi is tense, his voice devoid of inflection. "And what would this businessman's price be?"

"You and your students can go on your way. As long as you give up the bird."

Sasuke and Sakura make inquiring noises, but Naruto is too surprised to even squawk.

"My boys are hungry. That feathered piece of meat will tide us over until we, er, find new opportunities," the leader says with a sinister grin.

"Well, I personally think that's a more than reasonable idea – ooof!" Condor gasps as Sakura elbows him hard in the back.

"Rotten bird," Naruto snaps.

"Like you wouldn't have said the same thing," Condor retorts.

"I'm afraid we have to decline," Kakashi says firmly.

The bandit leader snorts. "Well, can't say I'm not disappointed. But you can't say I didn't try to do this, civilised like." The sound of weapons being unsheathed fills the small clearing, suggesting the leader's polite façade was just that – a way of lulling them into a false sense of security. "Now we take the ostrich anyway, and maybe the girl. Hair like that, she'll fetch a fine price." Sakura makes a choking noise and Sasuke growls. "Add that to the bounty on your head, Scarecrow-hair, and we'll be good for the next month. Boys!"

"All of you stay out of the way and let me handle this," Kakashi orders, forming hand signs too rapidly for Naruto to follow.

"Oh, this is going to be fun," Naruto mutters.

"My dislike of you right now is epic," Condor tells him conversationally.

Three copies of Kakashi appear between Team 7 and the men that close in. There are yells from behind, however, as two of the bandits nearing Naruto are suddenly dragged underground by another clone. Meanwhile, a wall of mud arises around Sakura and Sasuke, protecting them for three other bandits.

One of the men escapes his gaze, however, and makes a move toward Condor.

Condor gives an embarrassingly girlish shriek and ducks down, holding his arms over his head and curling into a ball. His attacker laughs and changes his path of attack, reversing his sword to bring it down straight over Condor's head.

"No!" Sakura cries, and Naruto sees her reflexively grab a log to use in a substitution jutsu. However, she must overpower the move, because the log ends up exploding, sending splinters of wood flying in every direction. They catch Condor's would-be-attacker, but also go flying toward everyone else, forcing them to duck.

"Damn it!" Sasuke yells, growling at the large, bleeding welts in his forearm where he shielded his face. Shrugging it off, he makes the hand signs for what Naruto recognizes as his fire style jutsu, inhaling deeply and preparing to blast a fireball at the next closest assailant – only to suddenly gasp and gag like something's stuck in his throat. Smoke belches from his mouth and he grasps his throat, coughing and rasping. He only just ducks down out of the way as yet another bandit attempts to grab him.

"I don't think so, asshole!" Naruto growls, vaulting forward to peck at the guy. He might not have any fingers, but he can make the guy hurt!

But his opponent slides to one side, avoiding Naruto's clumsy attempt to jut his head forward. A rope of some kind wraps around his long neck, and he yells, trying to pull away. The thief tries to spirit him out of the little clearing, avoiding Naruto's wild, flailing attempts to kick at him with clawed feet.

The pulling sensation disappears, however, when a blur of motion passes by, dragging Naruto's kidnapper away. It only occurs to him seconds later that it was Kakashi. When Naruto turns around, he can't help his eyes widening.

Damn...

There is silence in the clearing, the bandits that surrounded them before are either unconscious or curled into positions of pain. Their boss is pinned to a tree by several strategically thrown kunai and a blast of what might be solidified mud. Kakashi stands in the middle of all that, surveying the scene with the distant demeanour of an artist critiquing his work.

Sometimes, Naruto forgets how good his sensei is.

"Well," Kakashi says, his breath only slightly quicker than usual. He didn't even need to bring out the Sharingan, but Naruto can see the sweat beading on his forehead. "I think we've just illustrated why it would've been a bad idea for you guys to stay on your own, huh?"

"I don't know what you're taking about," Condor says, slowly rising from his fetal-crouch. "I had things fully under control."

Kakashi tries to hide it, but Naruto totally sees a vein twitch on the side of his face.

"Hah! Looks like I'm not the biggest knucklehead around anymore, hey, birdbrain?" he declares in satisfaction.

For once since all this happened, Condor has nothing to say.

I decided not to do a full-on action scene. Because reasons.

つづく