The Third Hokage is already in his office when Team 7 trudge into Hokage Tower which doesn't surprise Naruto in the least. He's pretty sure the old man lives there and maybe even sleeps sitting at his desk.

If he even sleeps at all!

"Kakashi," the old man greets, nodding at the jōnin and then considering the others gathered beside him. His eyes rest on Naruto in ostrich form, and he sighs. "You just can't do anything half-way, can you, Naruto?"

"Hey!" he cries, offended. Sakura and Sasuke make noises of amazement, but Naruto isn't really surprised the old man is already up to speed.

Condor doesn't feel the same. "Wait! How does he know?"

"I know everything," the old man says importantly.

"He was probably using his hokey crystal ball to keep track of us," Naruto dismisses. "The old fart is always spying on me." He lowers his head conspiratorially. "He's a bit of a perv, you know?"

"How rude," Condor determines while the Hokage coughs in disapproval.

"So, you know what's happened to us?" Sakura asks in a hopeful tone.

"I observe events as they play out, not causes," the Hokage replies, "but given what I saw Kakashi discover, I already pursued the proper course of action."

"Yeah, that sounds only a little creepy," Naruto grumbles.

"Before we get to that, Lord Hokage," Kakashi says, "there's another minor situation that needs wrapping up. Before we arrived here, we encountered...some trouble."

"I'm aware," the old man says, waving off whatever mission report Kakashi is about to give. Naruto's crystal ball theory is looking even more plausible. "Given the circumstances, I understand why you left the bandits behind. I've already ordered Izumo and Kotetsu to gather an extraction team. The men who attacked you will be dealt with."

"See?" Naruto points out to Condor. "Creepy."

Condor nods in agreement, fixing the Hokage with a suspicious glare.

"Good to know. My hounds weren't too pleased at being put on bandit-sitting duty," Kakashi says, rubbing the back of his head sheepishly.

"Hey, who cares about that!" Naruto demands. Getting back to the village undetected already took a lot more effort and patience than he usually has. There's none left to put up with adults making small talk. "I want my body back, now!"

"Hush, Naruto. We're addressing the matter as fast as we can," the Hokage chides. There's a knock at the large door. "Ah, and here he is. Come in."

A tall man with long blond hair appears in the doorway behind them. Naruto has never met the guy, but he looks like a male version of Ino, so it's obvious who he is.

I hope he's nicer than she is. She knows where to dig in the knife and make it hurt – and not just with words...

"Lord Hokage," he greets then nods at the other jōnin. "Kakashi."

"Inoichi."

"Condor," the stupid bird pipes up, earning unimpressed glares from everyone else. "What? I thought we were supposed to throw random names out there?"

"Could you make me sound like a bigger idiot?" Naruto complains.

"Probably not."

Inoichi makes a confused face, but instead of asking, waits for the old man to speak.

"Considering the matter, I've asked the head of head of the Yamanaka clan to assess the situation," the latter tells them as he closes the door to the office.

"You didn't exactly explain the situation," Inoichi points out, his voice calm but with a definite note of curiosity. His gaze falls on Sasuke and his mouth quirks a little. "Hello, Sakura. It's nice to see you again."

Oh, yeah. She would know him. She and Ino used to be friends. Or are still. I don't even know...

"Hello, Uncle," Sakura chirps with a nervous grin. "Sorry to get you up so early."

Inoichi's eyes widen when those words come from the sullen, pale boy instead of the pink-haired girl. Naruto suspects Sasuke has never spoken directly to Ino's father, let alone referred to him so respectfully.

When Sasuke audibly smacks himself in the forehead, he's sure that suspicion is right.

"What did I tell you?" Sasuke hisses at Sakura, one green eye twitching.

"It's not like it has to stay a big secret in here," Sakura replies, sounding annoyed and defensive. "He's here to help us, so he has to know, so stop getting mad at me!"

Naruto grins.

In a span of mere hours, their team's sudden body-swap has broken down whatever unwritten rule has always existed whereby Sakura lets Sasuke get away with being a grouchy asshole. For once, she's venting her temper on Sasuke instead of Naruto.

Maybe she'll finally realise what a douchebag the guy is and start seeing me...once I'm human again, of course.

Inoichi considers Sasuke and Sakura for a second then says to Kakashi, "That's all? They've switched?"

"Oh, it's more than that," Kakashi says, inclining his head toward Condor and Naruto.

"I hope you're saying 'that's all' as a good thing," Naruto grumbles.

"Speak for yourself. I was hoping for a little more time to test this worthless hide out," Condor replies, considering his fingers. "Opposable thumbs – such possibilities!"

"Please! You didn't even know your fingers could bend until two hours ago!"

"And in that time, I've added to my list of activities I would like to try."

This time, Inoichi's eyes bulge. His head moves back and forth, trying to follow Condor's quips and Naruto's nonsensical bird noises, before offering the Third Hokage a pleading look. "Please tell me you're joking," he says flatly.

The old man makes a noise of disagreement and shakes his head. "Now you see why I did not give you the specifics until you got here. I'm sure you realise the delicate situation we're in. The fate of the village itself could be in jeopardy."

"What? Seriously?" Condor wants to know, sounding impressed.

"I honestly don't see how it's different from usual," Sasuke mutters. "Either the demon's sharing headspace with an ostrich, or the village idiot. At least one of them is housetrained."

"Why you – asshole!" Naruto howls, trying to lunge at the other boy. Strong hands wrap around his body, keeping him still, and he twists around to glower at Kakashi. Inoichi is just as annoyed with the man.

"You told them? I know you have questionable methods, Kakashi, but coming right out and disclosing sensitive information!"

"It didn't exactly happen that way."

"Don't get mad at Kakashi-sensei. It really wasn't his fault," Sakura defends loyally.

"Yeah! That jerk bird is the one with the big mouth!" Naruto agrees.

"That's eye snot laughing at nose snot," Condor retorts.

"What does that even mean?!"

"Once you get the facts and you think about it, it's really not much of a secret," Sakura continues in a louder voice to drown them out. "Anyone with half a brain can make the connection between Naruto's age and the disappearance of the fox demon. Add to it the time since the attack and the general attitude of people in the village, and the answer is obvious."

"The only reason no one's said anything is because you probably put a gag order on it, right?" Sasuke adds, addressing the Hokage. "No one's allowed to talk about it, so no one our age or younger knows. Logically, it's sound. Within half a generation, no one would even know the secret, so any enemy hoping to find out could torture us and never discover the truth."

"Oh," Sakura says, eyes wide. "I never thought of that..."

"That's because you're not a morbid psycho like him," Naruto mutters.

"Tell me about it," Condor says, bemusedly shaking his head at Sasuke.

The Hokage appears to be smiling, but Inoichi continues to look stunned. "You're taking this oddly well," he finally manages, eyeing the group of them.

"Yeah, well, Naruto's our teammate and he's saved our lives a bunch of times. Even if we've saved him more," Sakura says matter-of-factly. "He might be a total mess, but he's our mess. Right, Sasuke?"

Sasuke crosses his arms, and only grunts out a terse, "Hm," which in Sasuke-speak could mean, 'yes,' 'no,' or 'I'm throwing myself into a potentially deadly situation to show off how awesome I am.'

Naruto chooses to believe it's the foremost option and is immediately hit by a wave of gratitude toward his teammates.

Since the stupid bird opened his mouth, Naruto has been angry and terrified because he never wanted his team to know. He has enough trouble recognising the truth about the Nine Tails for himself and, despite their relatively easy-going reactions earlier, he's still anxious they might decide to avoid him. Or worse, abandon him and the team – the only true friends he's ever had. Without them, he'll never become a great ninja or Hokage, and if they were to share the information with other people? Everyone knows that there's something wrong with him, but they don't know what it is. And the idea that his teammates might be the ones to reveal that information? There would be nothing worse.

Except they've done the exact opposite. Even that ass, Sasuke, is sticking by him.

Tears well in his eyes. For the first time in his life, he feels as if there's one less burden that he needs to worry about.

Except the whole being an ostrich thing.

That still sucks.

Kakashi side-eyes Inoichi and, even with the mask, it's clear he's smirking. "You were saying about my methods?"

Inoichi mumbles something unintelligible while Naruto strides toward his teammates, tears in his eyes. "You guys...you guys are so great!"

"Ew, Naruto! Your eyes are leaking all over me!" Sakura cries, shoving the large bird body into Sasuke.

"Cut it out, moron!" Sasuke snaps and then, as Naruto accidentally treads on his foot, "Shit!"

"Sasuke, are you okay?"

"Just leave me alone..."

Kakashi emits a long-suffering sigh. "Never mind."

ナルト

"If you've all finished," the Third Hokage says dryly. "I would think this was a matter you'd want resolved sooner rather than later?"

"Hell yes!" Sakura declares, and then flushes when she realises how loud she was. "Sorry."

"Inoichi, see to Naruto and Condor first," Lord Sarutobi says, "as the issue is more pressing."

Even though she understands why (ostrich guarding a demon, after all), Sakura can't help but be impatient. Judging from the commiserating look Sasuke shares with her, he's of the same opinion.

Ino's father steps forward and places a hand on Naruto's head. When Condor makes no move to come any closer, Kakashi not-so-discreetly elbows him forward, causing him to stumble, and his head lands neatly in Inoichi's other hand.

The blond man shuts his eyes and concentrates, his expression utterly identical to the one Sakura has seen on Ino's face dozens of times. Although it's impossible for her to actually see minds switch places, when she and Ino were friends, she used to let Ino train by practicing on her and, inevitably, there is always a sudden tensing of muscles and straightening of the spine when one's mind gets moved or supplanted.

Probably a delayed neurological reaction.

It's because of this lack of response in Naruto or Condor that Sakura is the first observer to realise that Inoichi's attempt has not worked. A sinking feeling enters her stomach, growing all the worse when Inoichi removes his hands and looks grim.

"I can't," he says tensely to a chorus of disbelief. He raises a hand to silence them and continues, "It's possible the greater difficulty is because cross-species mind transfers are different. We don't use them very often for exactly this purpose. It's hard to reverse."

Yeah, no kidding. Ino once got stuck in a frog for days...

"So how do you get around that normally?" Kakashi asks.

"We'll just have to bring in more members of the clan to boost the power of the jutsu," Inoichi dismisses. "In the meantime, let's reverse the other two. Human-to-human should be no problem."

Naruto makes a complaining noise, but Condor is smug. "So, I might get a chance to eat human food before all this is over after all?"

"Don't look so pleased," Kakashi chides as Sakura and Sasuke hurry forward. Sasuke, who hates to be touched, all but fixes Inoichi's hand on his forehead himself. Sakura doesn't really blame him; she's never really liked her body, but being trapped in someone else's is a nightmare.

I promise I will never try to change the way I look ever again if I can have my own skin back! I'll never diet again! I'll stop complaining about how easy I freckle! I'll...I don't know!

Again Inoichi closes his eyes and, out of reflex, Sakura does the same, clenching her eyelids tight. She tries to focus, imagining that maybe if her mind is really intent on getting back to where it's supposed to be, it will ease the process.

It appears to be working.

There's a dizzying, pulling sensation in her head, almost like standing up too quickly. The world feels like it's tilting and there's a rush of sound in her ears –

And then she feels a disconcerting jerk throughout her entire body and her eyes spring open.

Inoichi staggers back, blood trickling from his nose, eyes wide in disbelief. "That's not possible," he says, and Sakura whirls around to stare at Sasuke to see if it worked, only to realise she's still staring out at him from his eyes. Sasuke's expression is stricken, and before he manages to force her features into a blank mask, she recognizes panic there.

"It's not just Naruto and Condor, is it?" Lord Hokage says quietly as if he expected as much.

"The technique is stronger than any I know of," Inoichi says, wiping his face. "Whatever it is, it was designed for permanence."

"'Permanence?'" Sakura whispers, horrified. It feels like an icy hand has gripped her heart.

"It isn't just your minds that have been swapped, but your souls," Inoichi says, his expression stormy. "Explain how this happened."

Sasuke's jaw is set, as if he doesn't trust himself to speak out loud without cursing or worse. Naruto is effectively mute, and Condor is smirking about the whole thing. Considering Kakashi wasn't there to witness what happened, Sakura finds herself the only one capable of telling the tale.

Forcing down her mounting fear, she quickly explains about finding the tomb with Sasuke and the fight that ensued. Guiltily, she recounts how it was her temper which shattered the shrine and likely set off the wards. At this point, she can't look her teammates in the eye or continue, so Kakashi takes over, relaying the discovery they made afterward.

"It sounds as if you stumbled on the lost tomb of Noboru Yamanaka," Inoichi tells them. "In which case, it will definitely take more than a few additional clan members to boost the jutsu. We'll need to find the exact technique to switch you back – and that will take a while."

"Define 'a while,'" Sasuke utters through gritted teeth.

"More than a few hours, I can tell you that. There are a lot of records to go through. It could be days. It could be weeks."

Sakura thinks she's having a minor heart attack because she is going to be stuck in Sasuke's body for days...possibly weeks?! Condor laughs in delight as if it's the funniest thing in the world and, finally losing his patience, Sasuke growls and lunges at the blond.

"What do you think you're doing, you lunatic?!" Condor yelps while Naruto flaps his wings angrily, yelling and pecking at them (he doesn't seem to care who he hits). With no other recourse, Sakura has to throw herself forward as well, if only to keep Naruto from gouging holes into her body.

"Enough, all of you!" Lord Third booms with enough command in his voice that even Condor freezes and looks slightly ashamed. "This is not helping the matter."

The guys all slide away from each other, and Sakura takes deep breaths. There's no point to passing out from hyperventilation.

"There's a way to reverse it and we won't give up until we do. It's just a matter of research and patience," Inoichi tells them. He glances at the Hokage. "It will definitely take a while, however. Our old clan records are written in a different dialect. We'll need a translator working on it."

"I'll have someone from cryptology assigned to the case," Lord Third acknowledges.

"While we're waiting for that, I'll speak to the older members of the clan. They might have a clue where to start."

"That's a good idea," Sakura says. "Maybe we should do that, too?"

"Sorry, Sas–Sakura. They won't speak to outsiders," Ino's father says, offering her a tentative, comforting smile. "You guys will just have to sit tight for a bit."

"'Sit tight?' That's your great advice?" Sasuke snaps. "I'm stuck in a girl's body and all you can come up with is 'sit tight?' This is supposed to be your clan's speciality. You'd think you could come up with something better!"

"Sasuke," Kakashi reprimands and Sasuke scowls, but doesn't apologise.

Sakura, on the other hand, is annoyed; surprisingly, it's not with Inoichi.

"Well, it's not exactly fun being stuck in a boy's body, either," she tells Sasuke, her hands on her hips. "Want to ask Kakashi-sensei just how 'not fun' it is?"

Her teacher makes a choking noise, but Sasuke simply turns red and shuts up. They both know she's referring to her surreal yet necessary trip to empty her bladder. What Sasuke doesn't know is that she accidentally peed on Kakashi's feet trying to figure out how to do it right, but she's so upset right now that even the fact that he's Sasuke doesn't erase her emotions spinning wildly out of control.

Also, it's somehow easier to talk back to him right now. It's like the things that bother her about Sasuke are easier to notice when he's wearing her face instead of his own. She ignores what that says about her.

"Well, we might not be able to ask the Yamanaka clan elders, but perhaps we can approach it another way," Kakashi points out quickly, evidently trying to avoid further outbursts from Sakura. "Starting with the Noboru tomb. Why was it lost in the first place?"

"Knowing the story might help us see it from a different angle," Sasuke agrees tensely, refusing to look at anyone.

"I doubt you'll find out much from that. It's just stories that were passed down by the family. A lot of it could be wrong," Inoichi warns.

"It's still a start."

"Not much of one," Ino's father sighs.

"If enough dust is piled up, it too becomes a mountain," Lord Third pronounces sagely. "You will tell us what you can – and I have some scrolls in my residence on the different clans who have joined Konoha. Perhaps there is something there as well." He considers the body-swap victims. "And perhaps I can offer you all something to eat. You must be hungry."

At that moment, Sakura's borrowed stomach give a loud protest. Both Sasuke and Condor reflexively clutch their stomachs, and Naruto gives a groan of agreement.

"And I imagine Kakashi could use a cup of sake."

"Kakashi could," their sensei admits wearily.

ナルト

Sasuke stares down at the bowl of tsumire in front of him, swallowing the lump in his throat.

On the one hand, he really is hungry. They haven't eaten since leaving that village yesterday; the impromptu body-swap made dinner a little bit less of a priority. On the other hand, there's the natural consequence of eating that he really, really wants to avoid.

He's already feeling a tightness in his bladder that doesn't bode well.

Beside him, Sakura is looking at her own bowl as if she expects it to attack. Across from them, Condor and Naruto are dedicatedly digging in to bowls of hijiki that have been placed before them. They're making an equally big mess of the Hokage's dining table, causing Inoichi Yamanaka to regard them with mild repulsion.

Kakashi, used to Naruto's eating habits, barely flinches, calmly sipping his sake.

Through that damned mask, too. Wouldn't that affect the taste?

It occurs to Sasuke that he might be the only sane person in the room besides the Hokage. And if Naruto's stories about the guy's secret perversions are true, maybe not so much.

Sasuke's stomach gives a yowling complaint and he winces. He feels a lot hungrier than he should – almost nauseous – which is odd even with how long it's been since they last stopped for food. He suspects Sakura might not have consumed as much as she should have back in the village.

She's always making throwaway comments about watching her weight, but he never thought it was more than something girls just said.

If she's been eating like a bird this whole time, no wonder she always gets in some kind of trouble. She doesn't have enough energy built up to fight!

Shinobi need to keep their strength up and, considering some of the abilities they are capable of, that means eating quite a lot. He and Naruto put away at least three times the calories of a civilian kid their age on a normal day of training; after missions that require them to use even the most basic of jutsu, Sasuke has been known to completely demolish whatever sustenance is left in his pantry.

He glowers down at the food in front of him once more and emits a resigned sigh. They're going to be stuck in these bodies for a while. If it was guaranteed they only had a day or two, maybe he could tough it out. But Inoichi effectively put the kibosh on that.

Just get it over with already!

He picks up his chopsticks and starts eating.

Sakura makes a noise of surprise, as if she either wasn't expecting this, or was waiting all along. Then, adopting a similar expression of resignation, also begins to eat. Slowly, and daintily, and taking such small bites she might as well be at a formal ceremony for all the nutritional value she's getting.

If this keeps up, he's going to have to be around her at meal times just to make sure she's eating enough to keep his body's metabolism from getting screwed up.

He shoots Naruto and the bird an annoyed look as they continue to polish off their dinner, and thinks that maybe they got the best deal after all.

"Here it is." The Third Hokage's voice brings Sasuke out of his resentful thoughts as the old man returns to the main room, balancing a large, aged scroll in his hands. "There isn't much on the subject, I'm afraid. Information that predates the village is hard to come by – until Konoha was founded, information was passed on orally."

"And still is," Inoichi says. "I'm sure the only information on the Yamanaka in those records pertains to the clan since we've been part of the village."

"That's less than seventy years worth," Sakura protests, pausing with her chopsticks halfway to her mouth. "Ino said your family didn't settle here until her grandfather was a baby."

Inoichi nods. "Yes. Which is a problem for us because Noboru existed about three centuries ago."

"That was during the Warring States period – there's no one alive who remembers that!"

"No. But most of us have been told the stories."

"Then would you mind telling us instead of beating around the bush?" Sasuke grumbles.

"Sasuke." It's the Hokage who reprimands him this time, and so he doesn't pursue it.

Inoichi shoots him a frown of dislike, but continues nonetheless.

"During the Warring States, the Yamanaka were one of the most feared clans due to their ability to possess the minds of others," Inoichi explains. Their talent was known far and wide and often used to the advantage of other clans. Even the Senju and the Uchiha commissioned us for their feuds."

Sasuke blinks at the sound of his name.

"However, what none of those other clans knew back then was that the Yamanaka used their gift to maintain a kind of immortality."

"I don't understand," Condor says. "How does your ability allow for immortality?"

"The strongest of the clan would give birth to the new generation and raise those children with the sole purpose of transferring their minds and souls. Those children effectively died as soon as they reached maturity, their bodies becoming the vessels for their elders."

"That's horrible!" Sakura gasps.

"It's a dark time in our history," Inoichi agrees. "It wouldn't have changed, except for one man—Inosuke Yamanaka."

"Wait. I know that name. I read it in a book, I think. Wasn't he the first Yamanaka clan leader to establish ties with the Nara and the Akimichi?"

"Yes. But that wasn't what he was destined to become when he was born. His father, Noboru, was the most powerful of the Yamanaka Elders. On his eighteenth birthday, Inosuke was forced to undergo the mind transference ritual. Somehow, though, he escaped."

"How?" Sasuke asks.

"No one knows. Our stories say that he was as talented as his father. Considering he defeated the ritual, I'd say he was more. However he did it, he got his freedom. Inosuke fled his people's land and lived for a time in ignominy. News spread of the growing might of the Yamanaka, who were now beginning to take prisoners from surrounding clans; people they intended to reduce to their basic functions in order to use them as vessels."

Sakura looks a little sick at the idea, but Sasuke is unsurprised. He knows that every shinobi clan has some kind of dark history and anyone who pretends otherwise is a hypocrite. His own clan is steeped in dark deeds, if the secrets he found beneath the Naka shrine are any indication. Still, the idea of robbing future generations of their bodies and wills is mildly unsettling even for him.

"Inosuke felt it was his duty to stop his people. He wandered to the clans and settlements in the area, trying to explain the root of the Yamanaka's power. He tried to rally a force to defeat the clan and end the practice that took so many lives. But those who believed him did not have the force to help him, and those who didn't believe thought he was a spy and chased him from their midst. Opposing the Yamanaka was considered suicide. Some even hoped that if they returned him to the Yamanaka, they would gain immunity."

"You humans are rather thick," Condor muses.

"Can I hurt him?" Sakura asks Sasuke. "Please?"

"I'm not stopping you."

"I am," Kakashi says, warning in his tone. He indicates Inoichi should keep talking. "So he was captured?"

"Yes. And when that happened, he decided that even if he died in the process, he would still try to destroy the clan. He didn't fight when he was brought before the elders, making them believe he had given up. They gathered everyone together to make an example of him. But when Noboru attempted to take him over, he dragged his elder into a battle in the aether –"

"The what?" Condor asks and, judging by the inquisitive whine, Naruto also wants to know.

"It's a bit like a separate plane of existence," Kakashi puts in. "The Yamanaka ability is based on their ability to navigate it."

"Exactly," Inoichi confirms. "It's said they both battled for hours but, in the end, Noboru was still too strong. Inosuke was doomed to die – until the village was attacked."

"Wait – what?!" Sakura demands.

"While the Yamanaka were busy making an example of Inosuke, two of the clans he visited – the Nara and the Akimichi – arrived in the dead of night. By combining their own special techniques, they completely decimated the Yamanaka clan holdings and wiped out the older generation."

"And that's why your clans are always together," Sakura concludes.

Inoichi nods. "Yes. After the destruction of the elders, the particular technique they used for immortality was classified as forbidden. Along with Inosuke and his descendants, the Nara and the Akimichi agreed to stand as guardians to ensure that power was never abused again."

"And Noboru?" Kakashi wants to know.

"Because of how old and powerful he was – after all, he had lived and taken many lives before his defeat – his soul couldn't simply be freed from a body. He would just possess the nearest one, without even needing to use jutsu. So, by the efforts of Inosuke and the heads of the other two clans, he was entombed in a shrine that was warded against his escape."

The silence that follows is a thoughtful one.

"But if that's what happened, what does that have to do with us getting switched?" Sakura asks.

"A defense against anyone attempting to open the shine," Inoichi clarifies. "In days of old, intruders would have been incapacitated and dealt with. As time went on, however, it was believed that Noboru had long ago wasted away and his soul passed on."

"So the shrine was abandoned," Kakashi notes.

"Yes."

"Hold on," Sasuke says suddenly, brows creased in a frown. "If we opened it and set it off, and we were the nearest bodies..."

Sakura gasps, catching on. "How do we know Noboru didn't get into one of us and he's just pretending?"

"No," Inoichi dismisses easily. "I would have noticed before when I tried to switch you back. You likely only set off the trap. I image his spirit is still locked in the shrine."

"But we will be sending a team to ensure that right away," Lord Third speaks up. "Should his escape be likely, we'll deal with it appropriately. But for you four, it's not the immediate concern. Your current circumstances are."

"You've got that right," Sakura mutters. "We've got to do something! We can't just stand around here and wait!"

"That's exactly what you're going to do."

There's a ringing silence, broken once the words sink in.

"What?!"

"CAW?!

ナルト

Following Lord Third's mandate of inaction, it's as if a room full of explosive tags has just been detonated. The three kids and the ostrich protest, their voices rising from indignant to utterly furious.

"Enough," the Hokage commands, the one word not shouted, but still able to pierce through the din. "At this point, there is no choice but to wait for headway to be made."

Kakashi winces at the mutinous expressions on his students' faces. They look like they want to throttle the old man right now and although he knows that in their current state, taking them down would be easy, he really doesn't want to have to.

"So we're supposed to just sit here. And do nothing. For days. Possibly weeks," Sasuke repeats, incredulous. "That's it? That's all you can give us?"

"It would also be best if your present circumstances were kept secret," Lord Third says, and although the wording makes it sound like a suggestion, everyone in the room knows that it's anything but.

"Why? So we don't bother you with our problems?"

"Well, that too," Kakashi speaks up, thinking quickly. He needs to diffuse the situation before his student crosses the boundary of acceptable attitude. He ignores the venomous glare trained on him, knowing that if it weren't for the new body, an activated Sharingan would be focussed on him right now.

The term 'slay with a look' makes a lot more sense once you've been subjected to one from Sasuke. He has it down to an art form – contemptuous, cold, and so full of anger that, even if his clan wasn't known for their fire jutsu, it could possibly melt shuriken...or the flesh from the bones of someone annoying him. In most cases, it's Naruto, but Kakashi has gotten a few of those looks.

He privately hopes that he never has to see what Sasuke looks like when he's truly furious.

"More practically speaking," he goes on, "it's good training and it will protect you all."

"How do you figure?" Sakura asks stiffly.

"If anyone discovers you are occupying each other's bodies, it might suggest vulnerability," Inoichi says, catching on to Kakashi's thinking. "Not just on a personal scale, but for the village as well."

"Sasuke is the last of an old and distinguished shinobi clan," Lord Third admonishes. Clearly the three adults in the room are all on the same page. Good to know. "There are many who would attempt to get their hands on him to discover the secrets of the Uchiha. Perhaps even try to take possession of his eyes."

Sakura gulps, and even Sasuke looks cautious at this.

"Without being able to move properly in his body, Sakura might leave him open to attack." The lone female member of their team hangs her head at this and Lord Third continues, "As for Sakura, she's very intelligent and knows more about Konoha and its history than many jōnin do. It's a wealth of information if she's taken unawares and, at the moment, Sasuke, your responsiveness is not up to your usual standard."

Sasuke clenches his fist.

"Foremost, of course, there's the issue of the Nine-Tails," Inoichi says. "If enemies were to discover the village's jinchūriki –"

"The village's what?" Condor interrupts, the question chorusing with Naruto's confused squawk. Well, as confused as an ostrich can sound anyhow.

Inoichi shoots Kakashi a look of disbelief.

"That actually didn't come up," Kakashi tells the blond man helpfully. Sasuke looks a little nonplussed, but Sakura seems thoughtful. She doesn't appear confused by the concept of a jinchūriki, but considering how she studies Naruto, it's possible she hasn't really thought through the exact ramifications of her teammate being one.

Inoichi pinches the bridge of his nose. "For all intents and purposes, it's an individual with a tailed beast inside of them."

"A tailed beast? You mean there are more...giant super predators out there?!" Condor demands.

"Caw?!"

"We'll discuss it later," Kakashi interjects. "If anyone knew that the Nine-Tails is currently in a body with nothing but an ostrich soul guarding it –"

"Excuse you! What's that supposed to mean?" Condor challenges. "There's that speciesism I was talking about! You humans, thinking you're the top of the food chain. My ancestors walked the planet picking their teeth with your bones!"

"It's not a matter of superiority or inferiority in this case," Inoichi says quietly. "A soul is a soul. But the complexity of the seal needed to contain a tailed beast – it involves not just melding a chakra monster with the body of its host, but also its soul."

"Let me put it another way," Lord Third says. "The seal was custom made with Naruto's soul in mind – not Condor's. And while they might be equal in every other respect, Condor's is still not the one that's tied into keeping the Nine-Tails contained."

"So, he's like a ticking time bomb right now?" Sasuke asks suspiciously. Naruto hisses at him.

"Not exactly. The seal can't be broken unless the jinchūriki allows it to weaken or some outside force does so. As I suspect Condor is not keen on interacting with the Nine-Tails –"

"You've got that right!"

"- the only thing we have to worry about is someone on the outside learning about what's happened. They could capture him and forcibly extract it."

"That doesn't sound too bad," Condor muses. "Getting rid of the fox in my head might make enjoying this meat sack a little easier."

"In previous instances where extraction of the tailed beast has occurred, the jinchūriki usually die."

"That means you, moron," Sasuke tells the bird.

Condor pales. "Oh. Well. Let's not do that then."

"Furthermore, if this ostrich is returned to his owner or even to one of our reserves, we might lose track of Naruto," Lord Third says. "Possibly forever, if a poacher were to stumble upon him at the right time."

"The point is, you guys can't show that you're vulnerable," Kakashi concludes. "Just pretend like everything is normal until we figure this out."

"Normal," Sasuke repeats, staring at him as if he has two heads. "What part of any of this is normal?!"

"What about telling our...I mean, I should tell my parents, shouldn't I?" Sakura speaks up hesitantly.

Kakashi notices how delicate she's trying to be, but even so, Sasuke and Naruto both tense up. He knows from experience that neither likes the reminder that they have no other family.

"No, you can't," he tells her. "I've met your parents –"

"What? When?!"

" – and knowing you're in Sasuke's body probably won't stop them from wanting you to stay in their house. Which would lead to questions because, to my knowledge, that's never happened before."

"Not to mention everyone else we know would ask why I was staying at your house," Sasuke adds in resignation.

"So, no, you won't tell your parents. Sasuke will simply have to stay at your home and pretend he's you, and vice versa."

"Yeah, but..." Sakura hesitates again, glancing at her teammate apologetically, and then saying, "They're going to notice if I start, um, not acting like myself."

"You mean acting like a pretentious clot," Condor supplies while Naruto nods fervently in agreement beside him.

"That is so not what I meant!" Sakura cries defensibly. "I just – it's only...we're really different, and my mother is definitely going to know, and –"

"This is a horrible plan," Sasuke interrupts.

"Look at it as continued training," Kakashi suggests. "A means of practicing your ability to insert yourself into a situation. You've all mastered the Transformation jutsu, but none of you have managed to pull off acting like your intended target after the fact."

"In undercover missions, shinobi often have to take out and replace the enemy in a way that can't be detected. Sometimes for months at a time," Inoichi adds. "There are even some who are so skilled at infiltration that they can hold out under even the most skilled interrogators."

Sasuke's face has finally smoothed slightly and, although he still isn't impressed, Kakashi finally seems to have gotten through to the logical part of him.

Good. If there were ever a day he decided to lose it and set someone on fire, it would probably be today. And I really, really don't need that.

His head throbs in agreement. As soon as he gets home, he is going to sleep. He won't even finish rereading Icha Icha Paradise beforehand.

Well...maybe just one chapter...

"You've known Sakura long enough and being on the same team has put you in close quarters," Kakashi goes on. "Even Naruto should have the ability to pretend to be her."

"Hey!" Sakura cries, offended. Kakashi isn't sure if it's on Naruto's behalf or the idea that her teammates could pull off pretending to be her.

To be honest, Naruto would have an easier time pretending to be Sakura. I doubt Sasuke even noticed until today that she wears contact lenses. For a kid with a Sharingan, he's remarkably short-sighted...

"And what's she going to be doing in all this time?" Sasuke wants to know. "Staying in my apartment?"

Sakura suddenly goes rigid, face blossoming with colour. Kakashi imagines he can see steam pouring out of her ears at the prospect of living in the home of the boy she has a crush on.

Best nip that in the bud right away. She might have an aneurysm or something.

"No. I think during this time, Sakura should stay with me," Kakashi decides. "I don't think wandering around the Uchiha compound alone is a good idea. And I can be on hand in case you have any other..." He coughs. "...issues."

This time, it's both Sakura and Sasuke that turn the colour of ripe tomatoes. They immediately stare in the exact opposite direction.

Kakashi is also very conscious of the shoes he will be throwing out once he returns home.

"B-b-but Sasuke's never stayed with you alone before! Won't someone ask questions?" Sakura inquires quickly, her borrowed voice cracking again. Sasuke's entire body shudders and Naruto cackles.

"If anyone does, our story will be that you and I are working on advanced Sharingan techniques," Kakashi answers. "In fact, if this lasts as long as Inoichi suggests, all of you could benefit from working with one another to improve your abilities. Just encountering those bandits, I've seen several areas that need improvement."

"No kidding," Sasuke mutters.

"That means no high level techniques until you are in control of yourselves," Lord Third cautions. "Even then, I would avoid all but the basic abilities."

They are all quiet at that, although the silence is more speculative than angry this time.

Naruto begins a loud, angry diatribe of grunts and bleeps. Condor rolls his eyes and sighs. "As monosyllabic as our knuckleheaded companion here is, he makes a good point. Exactly what is to be done about our situation? Am I to reside with him in his...nest? Or are we to return to that twit who believes himself to be my owner?"

"Neither," Lord Third says. "Naruto and Condor, you must stick together until a solution is discovered. I'll deal with your...well, with the individual who hired Team 7 for the mission. It seems someone promised I would remove Condor to a nature preserve, anyhow."

He eyes Sakura meaningfully.

She clears her throat and shuffles her feet.

"I will arrange for a safe location where you can both stay. I doubt Naruto's landlady will be pleased with a...guest staying with him," Lord Third continues. "And, given the serious nature of having the Nine-Tails in Condor's body, it would be prudent to add a failsafe or two to ensure the seal isn't compromised. From now until the situation resolves itself, I will be assigning a second jōnin to Team 7."

"Lord Hokage, I don't think that's a good idea," Kakashi says. "The fewer people know about what's happened, the safer."

"Yes. And under regular circumstances, I would agree. However, with the possibility of the Nine-Tails breaking free, we can't afford to make mistakes. There is one among our corps who excels at chakra repression and would be invaluable to this mission."

Kakashi's eyes widen. "You mean..."

"Yes," Lord Third says shortly. "I will send for him as soon as he returns from his latest mission."

Naruto chirrups an inquiry.

"We'll discuss it later," Kakashi tells him. He has a feeling he's going to be saying that a lot in the future.

"In the meantime, I will reiterate that this is to remain secret," Lord Third admonishes, looking straight at Sasuke. "And if it helps keep you properly focussed, consider this your next mission. A B-rank infiltration of each other's lives. Guard your secret as if your lives depend on it – because they could."

"Lord Hokage?" Sakura questions.

He offers her a grim smile. "It isn't only outsiders who might take advantage of your...condition. Don't allow them to."

"If this is such a big security issue, why don't you just send us all to a secure facility and tell people we're on a long-term mission until we're fixed?" Sasuke asks.

"Because we're genin," Sakura answers, "and our missions aren't supposed to last more than a few days. People would notice."

"And...can you imagine you four, locked away somewhere for longer than a week?" Kakashi points out.

His students give a collective shudder.

"As we learn more about the situation, we will amend our approach," Lord Hokage says. "Until then..." He trails off, orders already given, then gestures at Naruto and Condor. "You two, stay here. We have arrangements to make. The rest of you should go. I have no doubt you're tired from your journey, and you have your own preparations to make."

With that, he turns and heads back to his desk, ostensibly to begin notifying Condor's owner and calling in backup. Inoichi gives Kakashi one last commiserating look and joins the Hokage in his search for a cryptologist to be sent for immediately.

Kakashi sighs.

This is going to be fun...

つづく