xxiii.

for the first time since your father got sick, when you hear your father's name from annie through the phone just now, and when she said that your father doesn't have much time, you didn't understand what she meant as if it wasn't clear enough. or maybe you did, but you didn't know what to do. meanwhile, you remember one year ago, as soon as the news about your father being diagnosed with alzheimer's disease, as soon as you accepted that this illness isn't going to make your father any better, you were prepared for this. you're prepared to lose your father despite him being the only family you have left.

     however, when it actually happens tonight, you found yourself not believing anything annie had said and hence, you're standing there as if nothing serious happened. if not, why is mick still having a conversation with the rest of your small group and not noticing how pale you are beside him?

     you can say that you're lucky the vettels kids notice how you suddenly disconnected from the world. you're like frozen beside mick, looking pale, and the kids would nudge you and pull you to continue play chase with them, but you wouldn't budge. it's like you're anchored on the spot beside mick.

     the youngest one started to cry, scared of something that might happen to you with your sudden change. the middle one just stood there, staring at you as if looks could wake you up from your trance. but the eldest one gets to his mother, pulls her arms to get her attention and points his finger at you.

     "catherine, are you okay?" hanna asks. her voice is so gentle, so motherly.

     the chatters around your circle immediately stops. you had all eyes on you. mick, gina. even norbert is worried about you because he knows about your father as well. well, by this far, amongst your closed circle, who wouldn't?

     you felt someone's warm hand carressing your back and that's when a tear drops onto your cheek. and maybe it's the way mick jumps in front of you, as if protecting you from the media and public from seeing your wet eyes; maybe it's the way sebastian's family and mick's family had their concern look on you that you felt so vulnerable in a good way; maybe it was hanna's motherly voice that made you cried harder.

     "catherine?" mick isn't the only person who panicked, but he is the only person who asked since he's closest to you. "hey, why are you crying?"

     honestly, you didn't hear a thing that came out from mick's mouth as annie's voice still lingers around your ears. your father doesn't have much time is repeating itself like a broken record and you didn't know how to shut it down. so you stayed frozen, still in another dimension.

     mick tries to get your attention by squeezing your hands and arms. as your vision continues to blur, you keep telling yourself to move, to say something, to stop crying, to not make people worried about you, but you're numb. in the middle of the paddock, in public, in front of mick, gina and sebastian's family, you're numb.

     the boom of the fireworks hide your sob from people's ears and finally, after a few more times, mick catch your attention.

     "oh, catherine! you're freaking me out! please, tell me what's wrong. do we need to get back right now? has something happened to your father?"

     "mick..." you manage to croak. "my–my father–"

     yes. exactly. that's what every one of them here thinks. something happened to your father. it explains why you were so out of character, like your soul flew out of your body, like you were dead for a few seconds, like you were taken somewhere else. you got mick scared the most when you didn't respond when he tried to get your attention.

     everything else that happened after that was a blur. you noticed the other adults talking amongst themselves, as if discussing something while you stand there, not knowing what to do. you're aware of how mick's hand wrap around yours as he leads you back to haas hospitality. and he doesn't let you go when he enters haas motorhome, packs his clothes in his driver's room, also when he came to meet his manager.

     when you get on the last flight home, there is one thing that you wish you could do: convince the mercedes-amg team principal to lend you their private jet and pilot so you could be home sooner. because now, as you're sitting at the economy's three seated aeroplane, you cannot stop shaking in your seat. and you're biting your nails. something that you haven't done in years.

     "please wait for me, dad," you repeat what you told your father before leaving for abu dhabi yesterday.

     oh, it was only yesterday that you last saw him. and it was so crazy how in under one day that he's gone. or was it because that you didn't pay enough attention on him? that time when he rested his hand on yours, was that the sign? was he trying to tell you something from that movement? was he trying to tell you to stay? or was it a goodbye?

     you feel a warm hand on your knee, as if asking you to stop fidgeting.

     "he was okay when i left him, mick," you whisper weakly. "how could he–" and you stopped yourself because a bile got stuck in your throat. you gulp, blink away your tears, but more stream down to your cheeks.

     "i'm sorry, catherine," mick says when he finally found his voice. "but i promise everything will be okay."

     you shake your head. "it won't. we know it won't."