xxi.

instead of the big, old, cushioned seat, your father is now sitting on a wheelchair while staring at a particular spot on the wall. you know exactly what he is staring at–a picture of a little girl and her father, standing and smiling, holding up a 1st PLACE karting race trophy. it was no doubt that little girl is you, and the old man is your father, and that picture was taken on the day of your first win at the karting club.

     you were only five years old.

     just a few weeks after the second half of the f1 season started, your father's illness got bad. he could no longer talk, blink his eyes, move his limbs. he cannot feed himself. you've made some kind of promise with annie, where you would take care of your father in the morning before you left for work, while she takes care of karl while you're at work, and the responsibility goes back to you once you're home after work. you want to spend the time with your father as much as you can, doesn't matter if you're exhausted because of work.

     his condition hasn't improved since. in fact, his movements get slower week by week. to make someone understand sometimes, you'd say karl blinks his eyes like the sloth. so slow, so lazy. same goes to when he's moving his limbs. so slow that you didn't even notice his fingers moving. he can no longer smile when you're talking to him. though you will always wait for a twitch of his finger or a blink of his eye, no matter how it gets.

     this illness is deteriorating him fast. now, you can barely recognise your father. he's sitting on the wheelchair, staring the wallpaper 24/7 (well, except when he needs a shower or to eat at the kitchen). you and annie would switch the tv on so the house won't get too quiet, though both of you doubt karl understands what they're showing.

     you didn't want to leave your father like this knowing that he would leave you just anytime he wants now, but mick got you a vip access tickets. he paid for your hotel room for the rest of the weekends. he arranged someone to pick you up from the airport. he made sure you have enough money to pay for your meals in between the flights. he had everything prepared for you and you didn't want to be the ungrateful girlfriend so whether you wanted it or not, you have to leave your father.

     as you kneels beside your father, annie takes a spot beside you. she knows you're all set to leave judging from the luggage you put near the front door. you're ready to leave for abu dhabi to watch mick and sebastian's last f1 race, but she knows you're not ready to say goodbye to your father. honestly, if the man sitting on the wheelchair is annie's dad, she wouldn't want to leave too especially when she's always been close to her father.

     not knowing what to say to cheer you, annie gently squeezes your arm. she gives you an encouraging side smile when you turn to her.

     "dad."

     as you kneel in front of you father, your palms rested on his knee. you look at your father who is distantly and still looking at the picture on the wall. he doesn't look like he knows someone is there, but you cannot care that now. because you know if you care too much, you will not leave the house and mick will not trust you again.

     "dad, it's me, catherine." the words you always say every time you sit with your father. it's sad but you will never get bored introducing yourself to your father.

     "hey, dad. remember when i told you mick got me a vip ticket for abu dhabi grand prix? well, it's this weekend. it starts in two days, but i have to fly today. so by the time i arrive abu dhabi, it's going to be just in time for their third practice."

     karl still doesn't move since your first talk. you are not sure what kind of sign you want from your father, so you continue, "i'm going to leave you, but only for a few days, okay? i promise, i'll be back before you know it and i'm going to tell you everything about mick and sebastian." you chuckle at yourself.

     then, you turn to the wallpaper on the wall. "you love that picture so much, don't you? i know i've said this many times before but that's the first time when i won the go-kart race. the first time i beat mick and the first time mick got beaten." you laugh. "you were so happy and proud of me. michael was proud of me, too. he gifted us this picture as present."

     there was a short pause before you check out the time on your wrist watch. "dad, it's my time to leave," you say carefully. "i promise i get back as soon as the race ends. no party. no nothing. wait for me, okay?"you kiss your father on the cheek.

     your hands are still on your father's knee when you push yourself up. you were ready to turn and leave when a movement stops you. you stop and return to your father. your eyes starting to get glassy when you found his weak hand on top of your hand. you kneel in front of your father once again. without knowing what to say to your father, you hug him. you hug your father for as long as you can.

     "wait for me, okay? please, wait for me."

     you aggressively wipe your tears and quickly leave your father without looking back at him especially when you hear a honk. it's your uber.