ix.

you wanted to sit with your father and sebatian, at first. you used to follow your father around the globe while he was still working as michael's mechanic at ferrari, but you would want to hear another side of their stories. however, just as when you took a seat near sebastian, mick gives a look.

     what?

     mick raises his eyebrows.

     what??

     mick points the front door with his chin.

     oh! mick wants to spend time with you. at the front porch. alone. oh!

     you try to keep yourself calm. breathing in and out slowly. nothing is going to happen. mick is your best friend. he doesn't know you like him or in love with him. well, yet. for now, just keep calm and talk to him like you always do.

     "mick?" you frown at your best friend who is sitting opposite you at the round table at his front porch. mick looks up with a small smile on his face and with bright eyes. "is this book... mine?" you pick up a book that you recognise well enough that you know it belonged to you.

     there is a strangled sound coming from the young man's throat as he stares at the book in your hand. his eyes scream "busted!"

     "seriously? you stole my books and put them in your library? my books?"

     mick loves to read books that you read. of course, that was never a problem to you. the problem was, he never returned them back. there was always "i'll give you back tomorrow." tomorrow came, but not the books.

     you peek at your father through the window behind mick.

     "he's fine," mick says.

     there is a smirk at the end of mick's lips when he sees you rolling your eyes at him.

     "you invited justine?"

     "i told her that sebastian is coming today."

     you laugh at yourself mentally. first, you're not sure if you could accept his answer. second, of course, he told justine sebastian was coming! how could you not see it coming?

     the thing is, justine also knows sebastian (and sebastian with justine) because she had always been there with mick through his career, almost as long as you do. almost. so imagine this, if he didn't tell justine that sebastian was coming, or if he told justine not to come, sebastian will wonder why justine wasn't here, right? what will mick answer then? tell sebastian that you doesn't like justine? that you cannot stand with justine? that you're jealous with justine?

     "anyway," you try to steer the conversation away from this 'justine' topic. you do not want to ruin your mood today. you need energy for yourself and for your father. "how's your team?"

     same question, but there's something inside you wishes that he answers the question differently this time because as a friend, you hate hearing that unmotivated, robot voice.

     "great. never been better."

     a little different than last week. still cold. no emotion. but better than last time. at least he didn't sound like a robot though he didn't sound excited to talk about work with you either. but you get it. no one likes to talk about work especially when your boss treats you like you're worthless.

      "are you going to stick with them until next season?"

     you're concern about his career because you know how hard it was for him to reach this far: using different aliases/surnames to avoid attention; his father fell ill; his mother had to divide attention and to focus on his father more; and maybe he's still getting used to driving an f1 car because we all know f3 and f2 cars have different styles and set-ups, but at the same time, you're confident that he can be like his father if he's given the opportunity and better training and coaching.

     "my contract with haas ends end of this year."

     "and you're not looking forward to it?"

     "i don't know. i guess i am, but not, at the same time." mick keeps his eyes to the front yard, afraid he'd be lost in the ocean of your eyes. "i love to be a part of the f1 team. everything felt so perfect when i'm in the car, you know. and it felt like i'm closer to my dad. but i know the teams need someone more experienced. plus, it seems like almost every team has decided their drivers for 2023..."

     "you're going back to f2 then?"

     "if they'd like to have me back," mick answers. "what about you? do you have any plans about your father?"

     "honestly? i don't." you pause. "annie and i tried everything. but the meds stopped working a long time ago. and he's started not to remember me and stuffs we did together."

     "have you tried showing him pictures and tell stories like what seb did?"

     "trust me when i said we did everything."

mick smiles sadly.

     "but the thing is, dementia isn't like mild amnesia where you can get back your memory. when a person is diagnosed with alzheimer's, their memory loss is permanent. he may remember memories from three decades ago but not today."

     "i'm sorry you have to go through this. i know it's hard and there's not many people who understand it. that's what i feel with my dad when he didn't recognise me."

     "at least, it gets better with your dad. mine just gets worse. only time will tell when he stops functioning all together. and when he reaches that stage, we all know what is going to happen to him."

     the air seems heavy as neither you nor mick knew what to say to make each other feel better, which is funny because both of you are losing your fathers. clearly, this is a bad topic to talk about on a family gathering. it should be an uplifting topic to make you feel motivated, feel the colours of happiness.

     "it's... it's bizarre, isn't it? how we had our lives perfect one second, then turn upside down the next because we didn't see it. if only we were aware of the things that might be taken away from us when we were at the highest of high, none of this will happen."

     "hey, look at me," mick says to get your attention when he notices you're staring into distance.

     you turn to look at mick. your eyes are wet, but no tears left to fall on your cheeks.

     "if there's anything that i can advice you right now is not to dwell on your mistakes and accept what happened. trust me, life gets easier when you accept things. and you might think that it's a bad omen after everything, but look at us now."

     as mick's blue eyes stare into your dark browns, you feel like the world around you stops. you feel like the world is yours and there's no one else on it except you and the f1 driver that you're in love with for so long.

     this. this is what you've always wanted--mick for you and only you. nothing else matters when it's you and him. while you're lost in mick's blue eyes, smiling like a teenager in love again, someone opens the door behind you.

     "lunch is ready!" justine announces cheerfully, keeping her eyes only on mick.

     mick ignores justine. while still smiling at you, mick says, "c'mon." he then leads back into his house and towards the kitchen without giving any sign that he noticed justine.