iii.

you ended up settling down at a coffee shop in the city centre with mick beside you and augustine comfortably lying on her stomach by mick's foot. it's cold outside. the normal temperature in switzerland, but it's one of the things that you didn't want your lovely home to change.

     the smell of coffee awakes your senses. just like the weather, the coffee shop makes you feel like home because it is literally the coffee shop where you and mick used to sit at after school, doing homework and talk about nothing. the coffee shop held a lot of memories you wish to forget. why? because every time you drive pass in front of this particular coffee shop in the city, it reminds you your guilt towards mick and his family.

    "who knows," mick pauses, taking a sip of his favourite black coffee, "after years we'd be back here."

     you smirk. if only he knew what you've been thinking since you got here. "yeah."

     "how have you been?"

     how have i been?

     honestly, how to answer, though? how to answer when a year and a half ago, you learned that your father has alzheimer's disease? that you have to resign from your old company, say goodbye to your dreams, pack your bags and return home? how to tell mick that you weren't ready for what comes next? nobody from your circle told you what to expect when your father has alzheimer's. so when he starts to forget about you, it hurts so bad.

     does he know that it hurt so bad?

     "i'm... good," you eventually answer.

     "the delay doesn't sound good."

     you shrug. "i don't have anything else to say."

     you keep your eyes elsewhere as mick stares at you for seconds. it feels like he is reading your mind. it feels as if he already knew what happened to your father, but didn't want to make you uncomfortable so he keeps quiet. you're damn sure he is waiting for you to tell him, but the question is, are you ready? even if he already knew about your family?

     you take a deep breath before returning to mick. "anyway, how's your career?"

     mick doesn't look pleased with the question. he shrugs and answers the same exact line as he answers the media, "it's not easy to be here, as you may know. there are many ups and downs with the teams. and if you watched me on the last race before the break, i didn't manage to finish. but as usual, we're looking forward to the next race and definitely we will work harder."

     "seriously? you're using that voice with me?"

     mick laughs as if it's you're making a joke. "what voice?"

     "your working voice. when you're answering interviews. you have this kind of voice," you state. "and staged answers? come on, mick. it's me. tell me something i don't know."

     mick stares at you for a while and wishes that you're the one who would open up to him instead because he can't bear looking at you and that fake smile you put on your face. mick eventually smiles and plays along with you. "well, seb is visiting us next week."

     your face lights up hearing sebastian vettel's name. "really?!"

     mick nods his head to confirm it. something in him clicks when he sees your reaction. the way your eyes bulge out of its sockets; the way your smile brightens up the whole coffee shop, makes  his heart skips a beat.

     truth is, you're close to sebastian vettel too as he was closed with michael who was closed with your father. they were like the high school trio who always got themselves in trouble together. dumb, dumber and dumbest. seb's kids are your bundle of joy though you rarely see them and they you.

     suddenly, a bad thought crosses your mind and just like that, your face falls.

     "hey, what's with the sour face?" mick asks.

     you thought of bringing your father to see seb at mick's house, but your face falls as soon as you remember that your father isn't going to remember who sebastian is despite being close. those times he and michael spent with sebastian in the red bull garage after both of them retired. those times they spent together watching junior drivers in their go-kart, standing outside of the go-kart circuit with hands behind their backs, judging other people's kids. your father isn't going to remember them all.

     you give mick a small smile. "nothing. look, i should probably head home."

     mick raises his eyebrows. "right now?" he asks as he watches you collecting your belonging on the table. "but we've just started to talk."

     "i--i just--i'm not feeling good."

     mick panic. "are you okay? do you need to go see doctor? i can drive you there if you--"

     "no, mick, no." you raise your voice that surprises mick. seeing the concern in mick's face, you immediately feel guilty. you try your best to hold back your tears. "c'mon, i'll send you home first. i can drive myself back."

     without saying anything, mick gathers his belongings. he pulls augustine up by the leash and minutes later, all three of you are inside your car again and on your way home.