"Do you think she knew what we were doing?" I asked James as we got dressed. He smiled.

"Don't worry. Gracie's cool. She won't judge."

I tried my best to look reassured. Joe bounded away, running down the stairs and calling out to his sister. I followed in silence, trying to make each step last.

When I reached the hallway, I patted down my hair, hoping the shower had taken out most of the tangles. My jumpsuit from yesterday suddenly felt awkward. Overdressed for the morning. Obvious that I'd stayed round. Obvious what we'd probably done...

I could hear Gracie singing in the kitchen, Joe laughing as they clattered around. I passed her heels in the living room, her bag tossed down by the sofa and spilling out with mascara, tampons, a packet of cigarettes.

I took a breath and walked towards the kitchen, leaning on the doorframe as a way to delay going in. Joe noticed my presence and turned back, smiling at me as he tidied up our earlier mess.

"Hey, you."

Gracie turned around, taking me in. There was a moment's pause while she went back to her pan, flipping her egg over and turning down the heat. I looked at Joe for reassurance, but he was oblivious, humming a 1975 song as he loaded the dishwasher.

"Billie," Gracie said, spinning around. She wiped her hands on her jeans and walked towards me, offering me a hug. "You're here."

I stepped into her arms, squeezing her with bemusement.

"I am here..."

"I thought Joe looked happy for a reason."

Joe straightened up, watching as Gracie and I stepped out of our embrace.

"How do you know I'm not just pleased to see my wonderful older sister?"

Gracie snorted, retreating to her eggs again.

Joe walked over to me, rubbing me on the back.

"You okay? Do you need anything? Cup of tea?"

"Yes, please..." Gracie called, raising her hand without looking.

"Cup of tea would be lovely," I said, going to sit at the table.

Joe went to boil the kettle, dancing around Gracie as he got mugs from the cupboard and milk from the fridge. I watched the easy way they moved around each other, their bodies subconsciously giving way to the other's path. Joe resumed his humming and Gracie started singing under her breath, each of them lost in their own world but connected. It fascinated me. I wanted to be a part of their relationship. Sync myself to their turning cogs.

Gracie finished frying her egg and came to sit beside me, her plate loaded with toast and bacon she'd made earlier.

"You'll have to excuse me," she said, cutting into her food with enthusiasm. "I haven't eaten since this time yesterday so I'm going to be a bit of a pig."

"What else is new?" Joe muttered, placing our mugs of tea in front of us and going to get his own. He sat on the other side of Gracie so that she was between us, me on the end and them at the side of the table. It was cosy. Intimate. Gracie nudged Joe in the ribs for his comment, her mouth full of food. He sipped his tea and winced, his eyes focussed on the wall opposite. I wanted him to look at me. I wanted him to smile. I wanted to see his eyes turn soft. But he was far away, zoned out in familiarity. There was nothing unusual to him about the situation. Me and Gracie together. Him sitting with us both.

The first time of many?

"This is a good cup of tea," I said, raising my mug in thanks. He looked at me then, his fondness flooding out through his expression. Gracie picked up on it, a small smile forming on her lips as she continued to devour her food.

"You did well then, little brother?" she said after a moment.

"Looks like it..." Joe said in a quiet voice.

I narrowed my eyes. There was something I was missing.

Gracie looked at me, her face so similar to Joe's I had to remind my heart to stop racing under her gaze.

"He didn't tell you?" she said through a mouthful. I looked at Joe for an explanation. He turned red, shaking his head as he leant back in his chair.

"Real smooth, Gracie..."

"I'll tell you then," she said, not missing a beat. "This was all a big plan, you know. He was very upset about how things went down at the party. The fairy lights..." she gestured through the window to the patio. "My idea. I told him he had to prove to you what an idiot he knew he'd been. I'm glad he succeeded. For his sake... and mine. The amount of sulking I would have had to endure if you'd told him to fuck off."

"Gracie!"

"What? It's true."

She leaned towards me in a conspiracy, turning her body away from Joe.

"He likes you," she whispered, gesturing to him with her fork.

My eyes whipped straight to him. He had heard, his cheeks turning from rose to scarlet.

"I really hate you, Gracie," he said, addressing the wall.

"Oh, stop." She batted him away. "If she didn't realise that herself then something's gone wrong here, hasn't it? I'm just putting the world right. You can thank me later."

"I don't think 'thank you' is what I'll be saying, somehow..."

"Well, I'll thank myself then," she grinned, not missing a beat. "I'm good at that."

"For God's sake..."

"You're good at that too if the noises from your room are anything to go by. At least now you won't be alone... Enjoy your shower this morning, by the way?"

Joe leapt to his feet, his embarrassment filling the room. Gracie laughed and I laughed with her, any humiliation I might have felt evaporating with the amusement of seeing Joe cleaning his mug with ferocity, the corners of his mouth twitching despite his best efforts to stay angry.

"Going out today, Gracie?" he called from the sink, his voice strained. This made her laugh more.

"No chance. I'm exhausted. Not going anywhere today."

"Great," Joe said through gritted teeth.

"Yep. No more shagging for you two." She put her knife and fork down, resting her hands on her stomach. "Not that I really care if you do."

"I have to go home soon," I said, my face growing hot. "My mum will be expecting me..."

I bent my head, ashamed of the sound of my voice. Did I always sound like such a child? Would I ever fit in with their confidence? Their easy banter? I wanted to. But even admitting I had a mother who would tell me off if I wasn't home on time felt diminishing. I wasn't cool like them. Adult. I had rules. Punishments. Consequences. At that moment, I hated it. I hated it with an intensity I'd never felt before.

"Don't let Gracie scare you off," Joe grinned. "Just call her an arse. That's what I do."

"We're not there yet," Gracie said, patting the table. She sprang to her feet, picking up her plate and cutlery and dumping it in the sink.

"Dishwasher?" Joe said in disbelief. She shrugged, and he rolled his eyes, collecting them himself and loading them in.

"We'll get there, though," Gracie winked at me, heading towards the door. Before she got there, she froze, her blonde curls falling over her shoulder as she twisted her head towards Joe.

"Mum called."

Her voice was low. Different. She stared at Joe without moving, the two of them looking into each other's eyes like there was no one else in the room. I felt the atmosphere change, the fledgling sun outside unable to warm the coldness that descended.

"And?"

Joe pressed his back into the kitchen side, holding onto the edge as he kept his eyes on Gracie.

"They'll be back early."

"How early?"

"A week."

Silence. Whatever was being communicated between them was lost on me. I was an outsider, their language was unknown. Joe flexed his jaw, his eyes widening with realisation. Gracie dropped her head, seeming to confirm whatever fear was taking hold. Joe looked at me, wild, his face hollow with loss. Gracie's eyes slid to me, shining with pain, her throat moving as she tried to swallow.

The blood froze in my body. I looked between them, demanding an explanation. My stomach was wound so tight, I felt I'd double over in pain, the fear reaching a crescendo.

Then Joe smiled, walking towards me with an ease that suggested nothing was wrong. His smile didn't reach his eyes, but I ignored it. I must have misunderstood. The atmosphere was changing again. Joe's hand was on my back rubbing me, my damp hair tangling in his fingers. Gracie was bouncing from the room, the sound of her singing echoing through the house.

"You need to go?" Joe said, his voice finding its warmth again.

I nodded.

"Come on then." He stepped back, offering me his hand. "I'll walk you to the bus stop."

I stood up and placed my hand in his, concentrating on the feel of his palm on mine. His skin and my skin. His smile. The look in his eyes.

Nothing was wrong. I misunderstood. Nothing was wrong.

It had to be true. There was no alternative. There was only me and him. Me, him, and the feeling that this was not over. That it wouldn't be over for a very long time.

I believed it.

I had no choice.

What else could I do?

I believed it.