Chapter 4 

(*Trigger Warning* -- Dark Themes) 

"It's my fault you're gone...and I can't live with it." 

Seth crawled to his front doorstep, covered in snot and tears. He was terrified of his own plan, yet dedicated to doing it. He needed to see Dean again. He needed to be with him; he couldn't live without the love of his life, and so he wasn't going to. 

He got to his feet and stood in the doorway, unsure of what to do next. He had so many options at the ends of his fingertips - knives, rope, and water. Which would he choose? It depended on how quickly he wanted to do it. None of them seemed to be that quick, which ensured a lot of suffering before his ultimate demise. With a sigh, he went to search through his drawers to see what supplies he had that he'd need. 

He lifted the rope with a glint of sadness in his eyes, knowing what had to be done. As he went to go to his room, the door was kicked down and behind it was a raging Samoan. 

Terrified, Seth scrambled to the closest room, only to be caught by the back of his shirt and pulled backwards.  He fell to the ground, only to picked up by the collar, only inches from the Samoan's face. He was breathing hard, rage radiating off of him as he looked at the puny man in his grip. 

"Seth, give me the rope," he demanded, only to be clawed at as Seth tried to run away. He scraped Roman's eye, causing the man to let him go. Seth got to his feet and backed up slowly, holding the rope close. "Seth, don't fuck with me." 

"Roman, you don't get it," Seth whispered, shaking as Roman approached. "You don't understand why I'm doing this. You just don't get it like I do." 

"Then tell me what I don't understand!" Roman screamed, startling his pal. "I want to help you, Seth, and you're making that really fucking hard! Let me in! Stop blocking me out! This all started with you flipping out on Cesaro and I and now...now you're holding a rope and going towards the ceiling fan. Just talk to me, please. Tell me what I can do." 

"That's the point, Roman, you can't do anything," Seth muttered, tossing the rope over the blade of the fan. "You aren't going to do anything." 

Seth set himself up for success, but when he went to complete it, Roman shoved him away from harm. His head hit hard against the wall, making a hole. 

Roman groaned as he sat up, seeing an unconscious Seth. When he checked for a pulse, it was steady and ongoing. With a relieved sigh, Roman carefully lifted the smaller man into his arms and found his bedroom, laying him down in bed. He covered Seth lightly and closed the door softly before going to clean up the mess in the other room. 

The rope and chair were taken care of, out of Seth's sight. Roman knew that Seth couldn't do it anyway; he knew Seth would stand up there, but he wouldn't tie the rope and he wouldn't place it over his neck. He wouldn't actually go through with it, no matter what he said. The thought of death scared the living hell out of the man, which is why it took such a huge toll on him when Dean had passed on. 

A small moan grabbed Roman's attention as he tip-toed back into Seth's room, seeing him stirring. His face was scrunched as he tossed and turned in bed, pulling the pillow close to him and snuggling it. He whimpered, kicking his legs. 

"Baby?" Seth muttered in his sleep, squeezing the pillow tightly. "I love you, baby." 

Roman smiled softly. He knew Seth was suffering and all he could do was be there for him. All he could do was try to help Seth in whatever way he felt fit. He was trying his best, but sometimes, his best wouldn't be good enough and he knew that, so he had to make a drastic decision. One that may upset Seth now, but would help him later. 

It hurt him to do this, but he knew it was only for the best. He only hoped Seth would forgive him. 

------------ -------------- --------------- A FEW DAYS LATER ------------ -------------- --------------- 

"Roman, why are we here?" Seth asked, looking up at the sign. "At a mental hospital?" 

His heart began racing as he stared over at his best friend. He wasn't crazy; he was perfectly sane. He knew what he was doing and approved of himself doing them. He could handle everything fine; he was doing well thus far, right? 

Wrong. But he wouldn't admit that to himself. All he wanted was for Dean to be proud of him and since he knew that wouldn't be the case, he lied to himself to hide the guilt he felt for everything.

"Seth, I know you aren't necessarily crazy, but you're grieving really hard," Roman sighed, looking down. "You tried to..." 

He couldn't finish his sentence. He choked up and wiped at his eyes. 

"Roman, I didn't...I didn't mean to," Seth said desperately. "Please...please don't make me." 

"It's only for a few days, Seth," Roman informed him. "If you need to stay more, you are more than welcome to. I will come visit you every day, if you want. I want you to know that you aren't alone on this journey. I will help you through it all. Dean would be proud of you getting the help you need to heal, Seth. He'd be so proud of you, I just know it." 

Tears surfaced in his eyes as he set his hand on Seth's shoulder. It was hard for the both of them, but he knew that this was what Seth needed - a secure place that would watch over him when Roman couldn't, just to be sure he didn't try once more. 

Seth nodded slowly. "You...you think they'll help me feel better?" 

"I think they will try to." 

"And Dean would be proud of me for trying?" 

"Yes, Seth, I think he would be." 

Sniffling, Seth looked at Roman, asking quietly, "Will you go in with me?" 

"Of course," Roman agreed, unbuckling. "I'll help you sign in and everything." 

The two silently went into the building together, signing Seth in and finding him a room. With a hug, Seth went into the room to get comfortable while Roman left to go to work. He knew he'd be back tomorrow, if not later on tonight, to check on his best friend. 

Roman sat in his car, staring at the steering wheel. All he could think of was his time with Dean; how the three of them used to drive around town together and pick on Dean about his poor driving skills.

Memories never fade, even when people do. 

"Dean would be so proud of you, Seth. He'd still love you unconditionally...," Roman muttered, driving away.