Chapter 5 - Funeral

It was eight and I was down stairs already dressed for the funeral. I couldn't sleep. I had to get up early. I was wearing black flats, a black spaghetti dress with a black long sleeved shrug that tied in the front. I had my hair up in a pony tail with a little black flower clip on the side of my head. I feel so down today. And on top of that it's raining out and it's dark. Why does it have to rain today?

I heard the door click and quickly looked over. Ethan came in.

"You're already up?" He asked.

"What are you doing here so early?" I asked.

He shrugged and shut the door. He came over and sat next to me. "I feel kind of sad today." He said putting his face into his hands.

Ethan was wearing all black. He had black jeans, black sneakers, and he wore a black sweat shirt. Plus his hair which just completed it all. What he needs to do is get rid of his blue eyes. I hate looking at his eyes and then I just get lost in them and stare like an idiot. That's why I glance at him.

He looked over at me. He said he feels sad but I couldn't tell if he had this little part of him saying he was happy.

"Are you sure you want to go?" Ethan asked.

"Yeah." I said softly.

I felt like he wanted to give me a hug but he stayed away from me. Maybe when I gave Sam a hug yesterday he felt jealous because I never let him give me hugs. I don't care I'm never gonna let this guy touch me. I haven't spoken to him forever and now that Jake is dead that's going to change everything. I think not.

I looked at my wrist. I still had Jake's leather bracelet on. He always use to wear it. I haven't taken this thing off since he gave it to me. I stopped myself from thinking about it. I don't want to cry.

"Are you going to cry?" Ethan asked me.

"No." I looked away from him.

"Are you mad at me or something? Because I didn't do anything." He said.

Oh this guy. I'm telling you. He's just itching to pick a fight with me.

"Do you really need to ask?" I said.

"Yeah."

"You're such an idiot." I whispered. Apparently didn't whisper low enough because he heard me.

"I'm not an idiot. I didn't even do anything to you."

I looked over at him. "What the heck are you doing? You're trying to get in a fight with me about what . . . nothing."

He stopped arguing and shut his mouth. He moved away from me to the other side of the couch. Thank God for that. It was silent in the room. I just sat staring at the wall. I tried to think about anything but Jake. That wasn't really working out for me. In the corner of my eye I would see Ethan glance over at me. He bothers me so much. Why doesn't he just leave?

"Kasie?" Ethan said.

"What?"

"Do you regret being friends with me?"

Why does he have to come up with this question now? Do I regret being friends with him? I would I have to say yes. In the first place if I never met him Jake wouldn't be dead. But I'm not saying that to his face. To tell you the truth. I'm scared of him . . .

"Do you?" Ethan said.

"I don't know."

"What do you mean you don't know? Do you or not?"

"I'm not telling you." I said still facing away from him.

"Tell me."

"No."

"Just tell me."

"No I don't want to."

"Would you freakin' tell me!" He said getting angry.

"No. I'm not telling you!" I yelled at him.

"Why not?"

"Because I don't want to."

Right about now he'll start getting angry.

"You . . ." Ethan said angry.

Here we go.

He breathed in and breathed out. I waited for him to say something.

"Whatever." He said.

"I don't like you like that." I said.

"You don't like me like what?"

"You get all calm one second and then angry the next. I know you've had a rough child hood but getting angry like your father did, isn't going to help."

"Don't you ever say I'm like that bastard." He said angry.

"I'm sorry, but I just don't like you mad. Why don't you change your life around?"

Ethan grabbed my arm tight and I looked over at him terrified. I have no boyfriend to protect me now. I'm on my own.

"I'm nothing like him." He said pissed off. "I will never be like him, you hear me?" He said not yelling but was angry about it.

"I don't see that person I use to know. What happened to him? If you keep it up you'll be just like your father."

Oh man, I shouldn't have said that.

I saw the anger swell in Ethan and his grip on my arm was getting tighter. I couldn't feel my arm because he had a hold of it so hard.

"What makes you think you have a right to say that!?" He yelled at me. "You don't know anything about me. You've always had a little perfect life and get whatever you want. You think everything just goes your way."

Tears started to fill my eyes. The pain from his grip was hurting me and I don't think I can handle it anymore.

"You don't know anything." He continued ignoring that I was in pain. "You were always like a little princess to your parents when you were younger. When you were off doing whatever I was getting beaten every hour by my father."

"Get out of my house." I said with tears in my eyes.

He stopped arguing with me and just stopped.

"I said get out of my house!" I yelled at him.

He let go of my arm and stood up.

"Let your new boyfriend take you to your dead boyfriend's funeral!" He said and slammed the door.

I just broke down crying after he slammed the door.

Why would he say something like that to me? He doesn't know anything about losing someone he loves because he doesn't love anyone! He says he loves his girlfriend but I don't believe that for one second. Who ever goes out with that jerk must be the stupidest person I have ever met!

I got my phone and texted Sam to come over.

I don't need Ethan. I don't want him near me. I don't ever want to see his face again.

Sam came and picked me up. I tried not to make it obvious on what happened. I tried so hard to hide my pain. But of course Sam had to ask how I was and my 'I'm fine' wasn't so positive.

We got to the funeral I got out of the car. It was raining and it was very dreary out still. It has to rain on the saddest day of my life. Sam got an umbrella and held it above both of as we walked over to everyone else. Jake's mom came over to me and gave me a hug.

"How are you doing?" She asked me.

I tried to hold my tears back as I thought about wondering where Jake is because he is usually with his mom. She looked at me. She didn't look as sad as me. But I think she still had the same spirit as Jake did. Jake's dad came over and gave me a single black rose. I took it from his hand. Sam put his arm around me. I looked around. No sight of Ethan. I felt bad. I should have kept my mouth shut about his dad. I know how he gets even if I do mention his dad. It's not very pretty. I can tell you that much.

I didn't want to get any closer to the hole where they would now put my boyfriend for all eternity. I know Jake is in a better place now. I'm happy for him. But the thought of it just hurts me so much.

Later, I watched the people lower the casket down into the ground. My breathing was getting a little heavier because I was about to cry my eyes out once again. Sam still had his arm around me. I don't understand why this world is so cruel? Why does death hurt so much?

After Jake was now buried in the ground I stood there waiting for me to wake up from this nightmare. If I wait long enough I'll be here my whole life. One by one everyone left. I was getting cold and all I felt was sorrow.

"Kasie, we better go." Sam said rubbing my head.

"Can you give me a minute alone?" I asked.

"Yeah sure." He was going to hand me the umbrella.

"I don't need it." I said.

"You'll get wet."

"I don't care."

Sam knew that if he argued with me more he'd just get me angry so he left me alone over by the grave. I stood in the rain getting wet and I still had the black rose in my hand. I put my face to the sky with the rain falling on my face. Everyone's words flashed through my head at once. They were all saying different things to me about Jake.

'Take care of her.' Jake said in my head. 'Whatever happens. This is not anyone's fault . . . I love you.'

'We all have to let him go sooner or later.' Sam said.

'Nothing last forever.'

I looked back in front of me and dropped the rose on the ground. I felt like everything went in slow motion as I dropped the rose. The pain and suffering is too much. I ran away from the grave. Not to Sam or anyone else. I ran away from them.

"Kasie!" Sam yelled. "Where are you going!?"

I ignored Sam yelling for me and just ran as fast as I could. The rain started getting heavier and the ground started to turn to mud. I ran until I ran out of breath. I stopped right where I was and fell down to my knees and laid down in the dirt. I cried so hard. The pain is still there. I'm never going to get that hole in my heart filled in again. I want him back. I want Jake back.

"I want him back." I whispered to myself.

That's all I said over and over again. But no matter how many times I say it he will never come back.

The rain stopped hitting my face for a second. I looked up. An umbrella? I looked farther and Ethan held the umbrella. He stared down at me with his blue eyes. His eyes that I could even feel sorrow from. He bent down and put a hand on my face.

"What are you doing all the way out here?" He asked me.

I didn't answer.

"You're going to catch a cold." He said.

All I did was stare at him and I probably looked like a disaster. I ran through mud in the rain and my feet hurt. My eyes feel swelled up. I don't feel good. Ethan helped me up from the ground.

"Idiot . . ." He whispered.

I never thought I'd ever do this but I came up to him and hugged him. I was freezing cold and he was so warm. I haven't wanted a hug from him in so long. I could feel him breathing in and out as I hugged him. He put one arm around me since his other arm was holding the umbrella.

"Not even an hour ago you didn't want me near you. Now you're here hugging me." He rubbed my head. "What's wrong with you?"

I shook my head and cried in his arms.

I woke up in my bed. I could hear the rain hit the window. I looked over to my clock. It was two. I can barely remember how I got here. I got up and I was still wearing my dress. I didn't feel like staying in my dress so I got changed into a pair of jeans and a plain t-shirt. I'm kind of cold too. I got Ethan's sweat shirt sense I didn't have any other one to where. I looked at my arm and noticed a bruise on my left arm. That's where Ethan grabbed me this morning. I can't believe he left a bruise.

I put on the sweat shirt and went down stairs. I heard Ethan and Sam talking in the kitchen. I stopped before I went in the kitchen so I could hear what they were saying.

"You have to be a little bit nicer with her." Sam said.

"I know." Ethan said softly.

"I'm leaving this Saturday. You can't just leave her alone and expect me to come over."

"It's just been hard. I've never told anyone this but, I was jealous of Jake. The year he came just ruined everything between me and Kasie. I hated Jake; I always did. He took her away from me. That's the year I had a crush on Kasie." He chuckled. "I feel so stupid now. I got in a relationship with Mya to make her jealous but then I started to really like Mya and all my feelings for Kasie kind of faded away. Jake's gone now and I'm so confused with everything."

He had a crush on me? I didn't even notice. How stupid am I for not realizing it.

"Get your feelings sorted out soon." Sam said. "You're going to be with her half the summer."

"The thing is. Because Jake is gone and I can get close to Kasie; I feel like I'm going to lose Mya and I don't want that."

Shut up Ethan. I don't want to hear any of this now.

I started backing up toward the stairs. I didn't want anyone to know I was listening to that. I got up four steps and then I saw a shadow about to come out of the kitchen. I made it look like I was coming down the stairs. Sam looked around the corner.

"Hey Kasie." He said. "How are you feeling?"

I shrugged and came over to him. I saw Ethan sitting in one of the stools at the counter with his back against the wall. The kitchen counter is an L shape so he was sitting at the end of where it curved. He was staring at me as I stood next to Sam. I have to act like I didn't hear what they said.

Everything was kind of silent for a second until Ethan's phone vibrated. He got his phone and flipped it up.

"I gotta go." He said getting up. "I told Mya I'd meet her after school." He came over and rubbed my head. "See you later." He said and left.

I feel so awkward now . . . I just had to come in at the wrong time.

"Did you hear what Ethan and I were talking about a second ago?" Sam asked me.

"Huh? Uh, no."

"Okay . . ." He went back in the kitchen like he didn't believe me.

I have one word.

Unbelievable.