Chapter 16 - Piece of the Puzzle

I took my clothes and put them in my suitcase. Sam is coming to get me tomorrow morning. I wonder what he'll do when he sees me. I can only imagine.

"How long am I staying there?" I asked Ethan as he sat on my bed watching me.

He shrugged. "After a couple of days we'll see how you feel and you can come back."

"I'm sorry I've been putting you through all this."

"I know you're hurting inside. But you really need to stop putting yourself in pain. I knew something bad would happen right after that first day when Jake died."

I rubbed my arms remembering I cut myself because I was so upset.

"Promise me you won't hurt yourself anymore."

I stared down at the floor thinking through things.

"Promise me." He said in a louder tone.

"I promise."

He eased up and leaned against the wall. "By the way I heard Mya picked you up last night. She didn't even bother to call me about this."

"I told her not to."

"Well I'm glad she listens to you."

"Sorry."

He sighed. "Let's just end this conversation."

I nodded agreeing because I really didn't want to think of it.

"Thank you for getting Jake's bracelet back." I looked at my wrist.

"I know it's special to you."

I nodded.

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Yeah, what?"

"Why didn't you ever tell me that you were afraid of me?"

"I thought we were going to end this conversation."

"Yeah . . . that conversation. This is a different one."

I sighed. "I don't know. I didn't think it mattered."

"Of course it matters. If I ever get too angry stop me, okay?"

"Yeah, okay."

I looked away from his eyes. Even though we said everything that needed to be said I still feel like something hasn't been solved. I feel like something is missing, a piece of the puzzle. Something isn't fitting right. I'm incomplete; I need something to fit the piece I'm missing.

I was ready to leave with Sam. I had everything packed and ready to go. I'm actually still tired and I could use a nap. Ethan didn't leave until late last night. He was probably worried. I didn't really mind him staying since I was worried myself. Feeling unprotected is something you don't want. It still hasn't left me from the other night. Every now and then I'll get this feeling of no escape.

The door opened suddenly and startled me. It was just Ethan. His eyes were filled with sympathy when he saw me. The last thing I need is someone to feel sorry for me.

"Feeling any better today?" He asked.

I shrugged.

"Sam said he'll be here in ten minutes."

"Okay."

Ethan walked over to the couch and leaned forward on it.

"You're going to be hot with your hoodie on." He said.

"Your hoodie," I corrected, "and I don't want to take it off."

"You still haven't showed me how many bruises you have."

"And I'm not going to." I looked away.

"It's like ninety degrees out Kasie."

"I don't care. I'm not taking it off."

Ethan stopped arguing with me. He knows why I don't want to take it off so why does he keep nagging me about it? I know he just wants to help but he'll probably get angry if he even takes a look at them. I get sad when I do and I can't even imagine what he'll do.

Sometimes when I say no to Ethan, I feel like somehow he's going to give up on me. Like he's not going to give me motivation or he's not going to come and see me. These past six years we've never talked because of Jake, and now - and now because he's gone we are talking? But because I'm suffering over Jake Ethan has to take care of me and pick up all those pieces I threw away. All those broken little dreams that shattered. I feel like if I do anything just to upset him, he'll give up on me.

"What are you thinking about?" Ethan asked after our silence went off to minutes.

"Not much."

He didn't reply back to my answer but changed the subject instead. "You can call me whenever you want to or text, whatever."

I nodded even though I probably won't. I think it might be good just to get away for a bit. Even if it is for a couple of days. I haven't seen Sam in a while so I'm actually pretty excited.

"I'm sorry Kasie."

I looked over to him confused.

"I'm sorry that I have been reckless all these years. Will you forgive me?"

I looked away and stared at the floor. "Forgiving is the easy part, forgetting is what's difficult."

The slam of a door interrupted our conversation.

"That's probably him." Ethan said.

I nodded and got up. I went to pick up my bags but Ethan grabbed them before I could.

"I got them." He said.

I sighed to myself and went outside to meet Sam. Sam already had me in his arms the time I got out there. We didn't exchange any hellos or how are you doing because I think we all knew that answer. For some reason I just wanted to cry, but I held them back. Sam let go of me and we both looked over at Ethan.

"Can you pop the trunk?" Ethan asked Sam.

"Yeah." Sam let go of me and popped the trunk for Ethan.

I walked over to the passenger side and waited to leave. It felt awkward not exchanging any words. I guess there is nothing to exchange. We all know what happened and I don't think we want to bring it up. Sam whispered something to Ethan but I could barely hear what they were saying. I ignored the thought of them whispering something and watched Sam slam the trunk.

"You're not forgetting anything?" Sam asked me.

I shook my head. "That's all."

"Alright, we better hit the road then."

I glanced over to Ethan waiting for some sort of goodbye. I had a feeling he wasn't going to say anything unless I made the first move. Knowing that I walked up to him and gave him a hug. I knew he was shocked by my actions because just barely, I heard a quiet gasp. His arms wrapped tight around me and again, I waited for him to say something, to find the right words.

"Be careful." He whispered.

"Shouldn't I be the one telling you that?"

He let go of me and didn't say anything back. He wasn't mad with the choice of words I picked. He probably expected it from me. I opened the car door and looked back at Ethan.

"I'll contact you, alright?"

He nodded.

I got in the car and Sam slowly pulled out of the driveway. Ethan stood and watched as we drove away. I felt a little sad leaving him but then again I was kind of happy to get away. He has Mya so he won't be lonely.

"Are you hungry?" Sam asked.

"No, not really."

"You probably will be once we get to my house."

"So, have you met anyone new there?"

"Other than our neighbors, no. But I gotta warn you the guy who lives next to us is a stud."

"How do you know that?"

"He has a daughter and also got two other women pregnant."

I chuckled trying not to be mean. He sounds obsessed with women. After one accident wouldn't someone want to stop? My parents always told me to wait till I get married and that's what I'm going to do.

"Just be careful not to go out alone. I don't know what this guy is like." Sam continued.

"How old is he?"

"Twenty."

"And how old is his daughter?"

"Five." He shook his head knowing how old he must have been.

I rolled my eyes and stared out the window. That's way too young to have a kid. He must have been at least fourteen or fifteen when she was born. From my point of view, I don't understand why people do it. I don't understand why people do the wrong things. People know the consequences yet they do it anyway. I felt like such an idiot remembering I was the one who did the wrong thing too. I also knew the consequences yet I disobeyed Ethan.

Later we finally made it to Sam's house.

"Kasie!"

And Sam's loud mom.

"Kasie, it's so good to see you. How are you doing?" Joyce asked while giving me a hug.

"I'm doing okay." I gave her a fake smile.

The truth is I'm not okay. I feel like a total mess and now that Sam knows nothing about what happened, he's going to be asking me questions. Even though I'm not going to get hurt again the memories will always impress themselves. They'll always hurt me and they'll always haunt me.

"Sam get her bags!" Joyce said putting her arm around me.

I glanced over at Sam who already had my bags in his hand. Joyce dragged me inside rambling off about how she was happy I stopped by. I tried hard to keep up my spirits being here but my thoughts would just wonder off back to that night. Forcing myself I put aside the thoughts and looked at Sam's new house. It's definitely much better than his other house but probably a little smaller. It looks like Joyce is planting flowers in the front. All the dirt is everywhere and her supplies are there too. Figures she doesn't pick them up.

I walked inside with Joyce and looked around their new house. Everything was in order, it was spotless. Joyce, I guess, has a lot of time on her hands to do all that. It also has been a week since they moved though. The first room when you walk in is the dining room. The floor was carpeted, not hard wood floor like their other house. The kitchen was to the right and in the back of the dining room was a glass door leading outside. Joyce took me to the left into the living room and took me to the couch.

I'm guessing this is the couch she wanted Sam to move. Out of all the places it ended up being in the middle of the room in front of the TV. Of course, that's where all the couches go. I glanced over to the right and saw stairs. The living room had a lot of windows so it became bright in the room. It's not like I wanted it to be sunny out. It feels a little depressing today.

"Do you want something to eat?" She asked.

"No, I'm fine."

"Yes she does." Sam interrupted.

I turned around to him with my bags in his hand. He gave me a look like I better not give excuses.

"You haven't had anything to eat in hours Kasie. You're thin as could be, you need to get fat." He said taking the bags upstairs.

I'm not trying to starve myself. When I feel depressed I don't feel like eating anything. I don't remember the last time I had a regular full meal. I've been eating snacks like granola bars. I pouted and looked over at Joyce.

"I'll get you your favorite." She smiled and went to the kitchen.

I sighed and looked over to the stairs. I stood up and went upstairs to go search the house. The upstairs wasn't too small like I thought it would be. The hall led all the way to a window that looked out front. I went down the hall to a room with the door open. I peaked in to see Sam coming back out.

"This is where you'll be sleeping." He turned to look at the room. "You're going to be sleeping in the same room with my mom, I hope that's okay."

I nodded.

"I wish I could clear another room for you but my mom is too lazy to get rid of all the other stuff stashed in the rooms."

I chuckled. "It's fine, it's just a room."

His eyes examined my face probably looking at the big bruise. You can't miss it, its right there on the side of my face.

"Did you see how bad the bruises were?" He asked in a soft voice.

I looked away from him knowing he'd ask some sort of question like that. Why do Sam and Ethan have to know how many bruises I have? Does it matter? They'll be on my skin for a week and then go away, big deal.

"No." I answered.

"Why not?"

"It doesn't matter how bad they are. They'll go away and then I don't have to think about it."

He leaned against the doorway. "So you're thinking about it."

He caught me there.

"Does it bother you?"

I shrugged.

"Ethan and I, we can get you a therapist if you want. I mean you've been going through some rough times, it might be good for you."

"I don't need a therapist. I'm not going to tell some stranger about my problems and everything will be all good again."

"Of course not, they're just there to give you advice."

I shook my head. "I don't need one."

"Are you still scared?"

"No, I'm not scared."

"Alright then, take off your sweatshirt."

"What? No, I don't want to." I backed away from him an inch.

"If you're not scared take it off."

He's trying to make me take it off. He's doing it on purpose so he can see how bad the damage is. My lies are no good around Sam. I can't fool myself either with this. I am scared but I don't want to admit it. I feel like I can't let my guard down. I've been hurt so many times and if I let me guard down, I'll just get hurt more.

"What's that prove if I take it off?"

"You're trying to cover up the pain. You're scared, you're hurt, and you need help."

"I don't need help!" I argued.

"Wearing a sweatshirt all day covering up the bruises is not going to do any good. You can't get rid of them Kasie. The pain is over; you don't need to cover it up."

"I'm not trying to cover it up!"

"You're scared Kasie! That's why you're not admitting to it."

"What do you know!? You've never been in this situation anyway!"

"Look me in the face and tell me you're not scared."

I stared at him angry. Why is he trying to argue with me? He never does! This isn't like him. What happened to the Sam I use to know?

"I'm not scared." I said mad at him.

"What makes you think I'll believe that?"

"I never thought you would . . . because I can't fool myself."

"So tell me, are you scared?"

I sighed and looked at the floor. It kills me to admit it, I hate it. I forced myself to look at him.

"Yes." I said.

Sam smiled and pulled me in his arms. "That's all I wanted." He whispered. "I just wanted you to admit it." He kissed my forehead.

Although I hate to admit things, it does help.