Nothing really changes after Jeongguk and Taehyung talk—not immediately at least. This isn't a shitty romcom and they don't become best friends overnight and skip off into the sunset holding hands. There's no bold declaration of love, just a painful awkwardness because what are they supposed to do now? Their relationship becomes more confusing than ever. Jeongguk doesn't quite know how to properly act in front of Taehyung. Knows that they're standing on a thin line and could easily teeter over to one side or the other. What they have is fragile. Unsure.

Taehyung stops avoiding Hoseok and even though things seem stagnant, amidst all the confusion Jeongguk's glad that their relationship quickly returned to how it used to be—even if it means that Jeongguk has to be around Taehyung more often. Even if his presence is overwhelming and any time they make eye contact, Jeongguk quickly looks away because it reminds him of how beautiful Taehyung looked under the dim yellow light of Hoseok's kitchen all those nights ago.

Something is different. There's still the fragility that makes him stutter, and yet something inside of him seems to shift. There are still secrets eating away at him, but being around Taehyung begins to feel less like he's drowning. Instead, it makes his stomach all weird, and it's strange, being able to breathe around the boy he destroyed. The boy who's left guilt and regret to eat away at his heart like a disease. Taehyung brings the warmth back that Jeongguk's father had snuffed out long ago.

Still, they're both hesitant. Jeongguk isn't quite ready to take Taehyung's offer up on discounted pizza, which has little effect because soon Taehyung starts to join their lunch dates more frequently and before Jeongguk knows it, the group of three becomes four. It's weird because even though Hoseok, Jimin, and Taehyung had been friends long before Jeongguk came into the picture, he doesn't think that he can ever get used to this. In fact, he's a little scared if he's being honest. They all fall into each other so well and Jeongguk is left to laugh at inside jokes he never understands. Recollections of special moments that he was never privy to experiencing. And maybe he is a little jealous of the friendship they share. He's terrified of being alone, yet he tries to shove it all down.

Taehyung's no longer as tight lipped around Jeongguk as he used to be. He seems to be more at ease after their talk and still, Jeongguk is trying to adjust. He doesn't know whether he should be happy or not. They aren't friends, but Taehyung always greets him and asks how he's been and Jeongguk never fails to stutter and blush, forming incoherent responses that Taehyung just smiles at.

No, he'll never get used to this.

Jeongguk learns that even though Taehyung is different than he used to be, even though he's no longer shy and meek, some things never change. He's still warmhearted. He's thoughtful, funny, and cares way too much about stranded worms on pavement more than he should. He's bold though; never afraid to express himself. Never shrinks whenever people look at him strangely with judgment in their eyes. When he laughs Jeongguk flinches because how can someone be that bright? How can someone have so much good in them at once?

They're never really left alone but when they are their conversations are bland and tense, just words to fill the awkward silences. Taehyung does most of the talking and Jeongguk feels bad but he's terrified that he'll end up saying the wrong thing and that Taehyung will hate him again. Jeongguk hates being alone with him. Avoids it if he can, which isn't hard because lately Hoseok and Jimin especially have been hovering over him, and as much as Jeongguk loves his friends it begins to get a little weird. For one, they stare at each other way too often, and maybe Jeongguk's just imagining things but sometimes it seems like Jimin is hardcore hitting on Hoseok, and if Jeongguk squints hard enough he can see the red tint of Hoseok's cheeks.

He doesn't really ask about it because it's none of his business, but it's still weird as hell and he tries not to think about the one time Jimin had texted him and basically said he wanted to sleep with Hoseok. He doesn't know much about sex, but he wishes that his friends would just talk it out and resolve whatever it is that they have between them. Jeongguk just wants his friends to be happy, and sometimes he opens his mouth to say something but freezes up. Since when has his opinion ever mattered to anyone?

Jeongguk hates being alone with Taehyung, but when Hoseok invites him over to hang out, the person who opens the door is no other than the very man he's kind of trying to avoid.

"Um," is all that comes out. Not a simple hello or anything because his brain doesn't know how to function properly and Jeongguk always has to make things awkward for everyone.

Taehyung leans against the door frame in a black tee that looks far too good on him and Jeongguk hopes that it isn't obvious that he's ogling him.

"Hoseok said you were coming." He completely ignores Jeongguk's blatant awkwardness. Settles for a casual tone that makes it seem as if they're actually friends. "He went out to grab some takeout though, so you'll have to wait for a bit."

"I—I can just come back later," Jeongguk stutters out. There's no way that he's gonna allow himself to be completely alone with Taehyung in Hoseok's apartment.

Taehyung looks perplexed, a little bemused as if he knows exactly what's going through Jeongguk's mind. "Why would you do that? He'll be back soon, Jeongguk. You can come in and chill on the couch." He moves out of the doorway to let him in. "No need to be a stranger." The corner of his lips twitch. Makes Jeongguk almost think he's being teased.

He debates on whether he should just turn around and bolt or not, but his intentions would be obvious and it would make them both more uncomfortable with each other than they already are. So he takes a tentative step past the threshold and tries to force a cordial smile. He moves to sit on the couch, posture stiff and back straight. Sure he hangs out in Hoseok's apartment all of the time. It's become more of a home for him than his own too big and too empty apartment, but with Taehyung in here he feels out of place. Like a stranger. Like he's intruding on something, becoming a nuisance to their friendship.

There's a game of Super Smash Bros paused on the T.V. and Taehyung plops down right next to him, leaving a considerable amount of space between them.

"You like Smash?"

"It's alright," Jeongguk responds stiffly. He fucking loves Smash.

Taehyung shoots him another bemused look. Throws the other controller in his lap and says, "play a game with me."

It's less of a question and more of a demand that leaves little room for Jeongguk to object, so he picks up the remote. "Just one game," he mutters. Tries to appear disinterested.

Taehyung nods. "Just one game."

It's supposed to be just one game, but then one turns into two. And then rematches are demanded and before Jeongguk knows it, they've already played eight matches and Taehyung has only won three times. Jeongguk had completely forgotten about how competitive he can be. After Taehyung had won the first match, he couldn't just give up like that. Couldn't let Taehyung think that he sucks at playing his favorite videogame ever.

"That's not fair! You totally cheated," Taehyung shouts. Has the audacity to pout when his Kirby goes flying off the screen and it's game over yet again.

"How did I cheat?" Jeongguk laughs lightly. "Everyone knows that Pit is the best for pvp matches."

Taehyung glares. "You shouldn't have been able to use your Smash attack like that, the game glitched. Let's play again."

"You're such a sore loser." Jeongguk snorts and rolls his eyes.

It's the first time that they've been able to casually joke around with each other like this and sitting beside Taehyung, he forgets who they both are. He forgets how much he had hurt Taehyung and how he probably still resents him. He wonders if this is how they could have been if he hadn't been such an asshole back then. Right now they're just two competitive college boys who take Smash far too seriously and Jeongguk can smile a little. Can laugh half-heartedly even. Forgets that he's supposed to be hanging out with Hoseok because he's actually having fun with Taehyung.

"You know, I'm kinda surprised," Taehyung says. Gets a little excited when he finally manages to knock Jeongguk's character off of the screen. "You're not exactly how I thought you'd be."

"How so?"

"You're usually really shy and don't talk much, so I wasn't expecting you to be so competitive." He pauses thoughtfully. "It kind of gives me whiplash, but it's nice being able to hang out like this."

"Yeah." Jeongguk keeps his reply short, tries not to think too much about it. Doesn't want to ruin the mood.

But then, "it's almost like we're friends."

Jeongguk stiffens. "Taehyung—"

"I know," he quickly interjects. "I know."

Of course he does. Of course he knows that Jeongguk is spooked easily by the idea of meaning anything more to each other besides bad memories. That they can't be because that's not fair to Taehyung at all and there's still too much left unsaid, hidden behind pleasant smiles and forced conversations.

"Hoseok tells me that you're a financing major," Taehyung comments offhandedly in an attempt to smooth things out before it gets incredibly awkward again. He's chosen Sheik this time and isn't doing half as bad anymore.

Jeongguk hums in affirmation, tries to get his head on straight and focuses on making sure that Taehyung never tastes victory ever again.

"You don't seem like the type to like that kind of thing."

"I hate it. Makes me miserable as hell," Jeongguk mutters. The truth slipping out before he even has a chance to think about what he's saying.

"Then why are you doing something that makes you so unhappy?" Taehyung asks, eyes glued to the screen.

Jeongguk thinks that the older boy is too curious for his own good. His heart is no longer in the game and he doesn't even curse when his character falls off the platform and Taehyung whoops in victory. His confidence begins to deflate and even something as simple as sitting besides Taehyung playing Smash starts to make him feel a little guilty. He shouldn't be enjoying himself like this.

He swallows. "It's what my parents wanted."

"But what about what you want?"

Jeongguk shrugs. "What I want doesn't matter."

Taehyung doesn't start another game. Instead, he sets his controller down and turns towards Jeongguk with a frown. "Why would you say that?"

Because it's true. Jeongguk doesn't matter. Nothing he says or does matter. Who cares about his dreams? His happiness The reality of life had taken him by the throat and crushed it all. He doesn't know how to tell Taehyung that he doesn't deserve any kind of hope—that he won't allow himself to.

"It just doesn't," he says instead.

Taehyung's quiet for a long minute and Jeongguk looks at the corner of the coffee table. Hoseok's been gone for awhile, maybe he should text him.

"If it did matter, what would you want to do?" Taehyung inquires instead.

Jeongguk doesn't even hesitate with his answer. "Music. I really love music." It's the first time he's ever honestly said it outloud; his passion for it all. He feels a little exposed. A little sore because it's still a touchy topic for him.

At this, Taehyung smiles softly. "You seem like you love music."

Jeongguk's heart doesn't skip a beat.

"You know," Taehyung begins slowly, hesitantly, "I get wanting to make your parents proud and everything, but you are your own person, Jeongguk. How you live your life should be something that you decide for yourself."

Taehyung's words cut a little too deep, and Jeongguk begins to wring his fingers together, dares to look up at the other boy with hopeful eyes. "You really think that?" the question is an insecure whisper.

"Of course," Taehyung assures gently. "I wouldn't lie."

But Jeongguk does. He's spent his entire life lying to himself and others, and it weighs down on him greatly.

He wants to make music more than anything else in the world. He wants to sing and write songs again and he misses his guitar, but he'd left it back in Busan because it was far too painful to look at. His father always hated it when he played anyways. He wants the empty space in his apartment to be replaced with a grand piano, but his father would scoff at the sight of it. Jeongguk just wants to make his parents happy but he wonders how many pieces can a soul lose before it's no longer his to keep? He wonders how much longer he can dance to his father's tempo before he breaks.

Real men don't kiss boys. Real men don't chase pipe dreams like music.

"I may be overstepping my boundaries when I say this, but if you ever feel like you want to start living for yourself, I have a friend in the music department that can help. Even if you don't end up changing your major, I'm sure it'd be nice to do something that makes you happy."

Jeongguk wants to say that it's pointless because he won't live long enough to chase a dead end dream that his father hates, but he nods anyways. Perhaps he can allow himself to believe just for a little bit. "I-I'll think about it. Thank you, Taehyung."

He shifts awkwardly and Taehyung looks like he wants to say more. Looks like he knows that something has been burning Jeongguk's insides little by little, and Jeongguk holds his breath. Maybe Taehyung knows. Maybe, just maybe he'll ask, "are you happy to be alive?" and Jeongguk will say no. Will say that he's going to die. He'll die just as the New Year arrives and he hasn't quite worked it all out, but no one can stop him.

Unless—unless Taehyung asks him to stay. Sometimes, in moments like these, he wants to stay. But Taehyung doesn't ask him anything else. Just settles for a warm smile and says, "You're welcome, Jeongguk."

Taehyung doesn't ask him if he wants to stay and he's okay with that. The older boy drops the subject and they play another round of Super Smash Bros instead.

Being around Taehyung becomes less stifling after that day. Jeongguk tries to not let Taehyung's words affect him, but he spent the entire night staring at his ceiling, thinking about the one thing he swore to give up on—music. It's silly because he shouldn't let it get under his skin, but it does and he wonders where he would be right now if he had stuck up for himself instead of caving in under his father's scrutiny. Would he be any happier?

He shouldn't think about it. There's little over a month left till New Years and by then he'll be a ghost but there's a whisper of a voice in the back of his mind asking, what if you had even tried?

He had turned around to face the wall. Squeezed his eyes shut as if it would make all of the intrusive thoughts go away, but everything had been too loud. Too much. He didn't sleep that night, thought about the sound of the guitar underneath his fingers instead.

He doesn't see Taehyung around for the next few days either, which is a blessing as well as a curse because he sits in class daydreaming about guitar strings and piano keys, and the soundboard back home that his eccentric aunt had bought him many Christmases ago. But his skin has been crawling and there's an itch in his throat that won't go away. He's unfocused now more than ever. Finals are next month, which means the hellish few weeks of studying for eight hours straight and getting two hours of sleep are coming up, but every time Jeongguk looks at numbers and statistics he feels gross. His father said that he would do well in business but he doesn't want this. Wants lyrics and melodies. Likes to sing to himself in the shower.

It's on the third day of mulling over his awful life decisions that he finally decides to get the fuck over himself and stops by the pizzaria to see if Taehyung is working. The moment he sees Taehyung in his stupid uniform, his heartbeat inexplicably speeding up when their eyes meet.

"Hey," he greets. Feels a little breathless.

"Jeongguk?" his tone is one of confusion, clearly not expecting Jeongguk to ever actually come back. And then jokingly, "did you come here for my employee discount?"

Jeongguk shrugs. Tries to make it seem as if he's just here by chance, even if he's feeling rather embarrassed now that the other boy is in front of him. "I—I just happened to be in the are and thought that I'd drop by."

"You still need to work on your lying skills." Taehyung smiles wryly. "You really suck at it.

Jeongguk's eyes widen. "Is it that obvious?"

Taehyung snorts in amusement. "I was just kidding but now you've exposed yourself."

Cheeks burning, Jeongguk resists the urge to punch himself in the face. "Oh."

"So what are you actually here for?" Taehyung eyes him curiously.

Jeongguk pauses, tries to gather the courage to just ask but he doesn't remember the last time he'd asked for a favor and they aren't close enough for that. Plus, what if Taehyung wasn't even serious? What if everything he had said were just empty words? But still, a voice echoes in his head, what if you had even tried?

"You remember when you told me that you have a friend in the music department?" he starts slowly, shakily. Looks at the register when he speaks because he feels selfish and a little ashamed.

"Yeah. What about it?"

"Well...well—" oh god, he can't do this. Can't ask this of Taehyung.

He begins to shut down, is ready to tell the other to just forget about it and buy some discounted pizza, but Taehyung is quick to catch on.

"Would you like me to introduce you to him?" he inquires.

"Oh no," Jeongguk starts blubbering. Takes a step back. "I don't know what I was thinking. I really don't want to bother you with all of this. I couldn't possibly—"

"His name is Min Yoongi and he's a senior," Taehyung interjects smoothly. "He can be kind of grumpy and quiet, but I know that he'll like you."

Jeongguk eyes him warily. "Are you sure? You don't have to go out of your way for someone like me."

Taehyung scrunches his nose as if offended. "What is that supposed to mean? Besides, I think you would be good company for each other." There's a double meaning there that Jeongguk doesn't quite understand, but he doesn't dwell on it either.

"Thanks." He ducks his head, stares at his shoes instead and apologizes thrice for being annoying, even if Taehyung assures him that he isn't. He wonders what kind of person Min Yoongi is and feels something akin to excitement rush through his veins. He shifts on his other foot, flushes a little as he attempts to initiate small talk for once. "So uh, what have you been up to?"

Once again, Taehyung is caught off guard as if he wasn't expecting Jeongguk to stick around and talk. "Nothing much. Just working and dreading finals like basically everyone else."

"Ah."

There's an awkward silence and Jeongguk is just about to dismiss himself when Taehyung speaks up. "Are you busy? My shift is actually ending in twenty minutes and I was wondering if you wanted to grab a bite to eat or something?"

"You work at a pizza shop," Jeongguk deadpans.

"Yeah and I now have a burning hatred for it."

"Understandable."

"So...?"

Jeongguk hesitates for a long moment because besides that one time they played Smash, they've never truly hung out before. But what does he have to lose now? Maybe this will be the chance to properly tell the older boy everything once and for all.

"Sure."

And so he waits. Sits at the table near the window and tries to control the shaking of his right leg, foot tapping incessantly against the ground. He tries not to think too hard about it because he knows that he'll run away and regret it all day if he does, but this entire situation is unexpected. Jeongguk had just stopped by to ask a question, but now he's going to hang out with Taehyung? He pinches himself on the arm to make sure he's not dreaming and curses when the sting of pain is too real. Just what has he gotten himself into?

Jeongguk doesn't get how Taehyung can be so confident because everything makes Jeongguk nervous; eye contact and small spaces with too many people give him anxiety. But Taehyung is strong, holds himself together and faces everything head on. Tries to create more than small talk with Jeongguk and doesn't let the past eat away at himself. It's like he's trying to reach out, a gentle voice that says I'll wait for you until you're ready and Jeongguk wants to hold on tight but there are too many parts of himself missing so he tries to let go because it's better this way. He makes things awkward and uncomfortable for everyone. At the end of the day it's all his fault and what is he supposed to do? Saunter back into Taehyung's life after eight years and ruin his happiness again?

He looks down at his palm, realizes that he's overthinking things again.

"Hey." He blinks suddenly, a little startled. Looks up to see Taehyung standing in front of him no longer in uniform. "You ready?"

Jeongguk nods, a bit tight lipped.

They don't go to a restaurant, but instead hop on a train to Gwangjang market. During summertime, the enclosure is ridiculously hot. The heat from cooking and the humid summer air gets trapped, but in fall the warmth is welcomed. Taehyung is like a little boy in a candy shop as he goes from food stall to food stall, shoving everything in his mouth as the old ladies coo at him. Jeongguk trails awkwardly behind him, not quite comfortable with the crowd and the loudness of it all.

Taehyung takes a big bite out of a seafood pancake and holds it out as an offer. "Want some?"

Jeongguk scrunches his nose in distaste. "No thank you. It's way too greasy for me."

"It's fucking fantastic, thank you very much," Taehyung grumbles. Shoves the rest of it into his mouth in one go and Jeongguk tries not to smile at the way his cheeks bulge. It's cute.

He settles for kimchi dumplings instead, and watches in awe as Taehyung inhales five of them. At this point, he's pretty sure that the other boy's stomach is an endless pit.

They don't really talk until they're stuffed full and Taehyung leads them across the street and under a bridge where a small river runs endlessly for miles. It's dark now, and still there are people sitting on the rocks dipping their feet in the water and drinking with their friends. It's nice, feels like it's a seperate world under here.

"Ugh, I should have brought some soju," Taehyung comments offhandedly.

"Oh, I don't really drink anyways."

Taehyung doesn't say anything, just climbs down the rocks and sits at the opposite end from the people who are drinking. He begins to take his shoes and socks off. Looks back up at Jeongguk as he's rolling his pant sleeves up and asks, "aren't you coming?"

Jeongguk flushes and slowly climbs down. He doesn't stop to sit next to Taehyung because he honestly doesn't think that he can handle that kind of proximity right now. Instead, he throws off his shoes and goes splashing right into the river, scaring the fish away. It's cold and he flinches at the way the pebbles dig into the soles of his feet but doesn't complain.

"Be careful," Taehyung warns him. "It's slippery."

But Jeongguk ignores him. Wanders further into the middle until he feels as if he's become his own island. Until the water is up to his knees and he hits the deepest point, jeans soaked because he hadn't bothered to roll them up. He looks up but the sky isn't there, just a cement ceiling. Wonders if this is the extent of his world on this tiny, lonely island.

After awhile, Taehyung calls him. Says, "Come back here, Guk." The pet name falls from his lips like familiarity; like friends or lovers—not strangers. And in the dark, Jeongguk can't see his face from here. He wonders how Taehyung's so good at pretending nothing happened. It's as if things in his life are pliable. He nurtures a garden where he only lets certain plants in.

This garden isn't made for people like you.
He knows. He knows. Takes a step towards Taehyung but it feels as if there's an ocean between them, so he stops. Wonders if they'll ever be able to build a bridge between them. Do ocean waves ever feel lonely? Taehyung calls his name again but he doesn't look back, maybe he can pretend that they were right for each other in another lifetime. He often misses things that are not as sweet as he remembers them tasting.

"Jeongguk."

The sudden proximity of the voice has him whipping around so fast that he loses his footing and slips on algae, his body tilting as he begins to fall. Taehyung reaches out, tries to grab him by the waist to catch him but when Jeongguk instinctively latches onto his shirt, Taehyung goes toppling over as well and they hit the water with a splash.

Jeongguk goes under for an instant, when he comes back up he sputters and his eyes are wide in panic, apology at the tip of his tongue as his face burns in embarrassment. But then Taehyung's laughing and Jeongguk can't help that it's contagious and they're both laughing abit hysterically.

"I tuh-told you t-to be careful!" Taehyung manages to get out between wheezing for air.

"Sorry." Jeongguk lifts a hand to cover his face, feeling a bit flustered all over again now that he's realized their position. While he's sat in the water, Taehyung had managed to avoid going under and instead kneels over him, knees on each side of Jeongguk's leg so that he's practically being straddled and one hand around the small of his back.

"Don't be." Taehyung grabs Jeongguk's hand and pulls it away from his mouth but instead of letting go, he seems to think that it's a good idea to intertwine their fingers together and Jeongguk's brain short circuits. "You're cute when you get embarrassed."

"What?"

Jeongguk stares at him cluelessly and under the faint glow of the streetlight, Taehyung's eyes look a little dark. A little intimate.

"I said, you're fucking cute."

Jeongguk swallows. Blinks a couple of times. "O-oh. Thanks? I mean you're definitely far more handsome than I am but—"

"You think I'm attractive?" Taehyung cuts off.

"Huh?"

"You just called me handsome."

Jeongguk feels like his head is about to explode. "No I was just—it's just that subjectively speaking you have an attractive face and anyone who says otherwise is blind. Science and all."

"Oh?" Taehyung puts pressure on the small of Jeongguk's back and he gasps when Taehyung leans further in, smirk playing at his lips. "So you just subjectively find me attractive."

"Um, yes?" What the fuck.

Taehyung hums. "Well I subjectively appreciate it."

Jeongguk nods as if they're just having casual conversation and he's totally not having a meltdown on the inside. "You're welcome. I guess."

Taehyung looks as if he's trying to hold his laughter back and Jeongguk tries not to stare at his lips but they're so close, all he would have to do is tilt his head a little and then—

"We should get out before you catch a cold," Taehyung advises. Creates distance between them and Jeongguk instantly feels as if something is missing.

He shakes it off anyways and puts on a smile as Taehyung reaches out a hand to help him up. "Yeah, I should probably go home and change anyways. I, uh, had fun hanging out with you."

"Really?" the other looks a little doubtful.

"Really."

"Well, I would hope so. Seeing as I'm handsome and all."

"Taehyung!"

"Subjectively handsome, I mean. Science and all, right?"

Jeongguk is going to combust.

The next day, Jeongguk glances up from the directions Taehyung had texted him with trepidation, and sure enough he's standing in front of the music building on the far end of campus, and of course he's sweating bullets as well. With finals coming up, Taehyung didn't have enough free time to go with Jeongguk, and while he had assured Jeongguk that he would be completely fine going by himself, it was honestly a complete lie because Jeongguk doesn't deal well with unfamiliar faces.

He tries to calm down and mentally prepares to make an absolute fool out of himself before he enters the building. There's no one in the lobby and he takes the elevator to the second floor where the studios are. He debates on whether he should even get off or not before he tells himself to stop being a bitch and begins to search for the room number that Taehyung had given him. When he finally finds it, he ends up hesitating for far too long. Taehyung had assured him that Yoongi knew he was coming and that he was completely okay with it, but he's terrified that he'll leave an awful impression. He gulps, stares at the door handle for another minute.

"Um, can I help you?"

Jeongguk jumps. A squeaky sound of surprise emanates from his lips before he spins around with wide eyes and finds a small man with blonde hair that's been bleached far too many times. The fringes brittle and fried.

"Uh," he starts. "I-I'm looking for Min Yoongi."

The man frowns a little. Squints his eyes at Jeongguk of whom squirms under his scrutiny. "Oh, are you the Jeon Jeongguk I've heard so much about?"

Jeongguk blanches, color draining from his face. "Are you Min Yoongi by any chance?"

"The one and only," he replies dryly.

"Oh." Jeongguk gulps.

"I was wondering why you were just standing there for three minutes," Yoongi comments. He doesn't sound annoyed but he doesn't sound happy either.

"I'm so sorry!" Jeongguk splutters, blushing profusely. It was an absolute mistake coming here. He should have just waited until Taehyung was free because now Yoongi's first impression of him is that he's some creep who lurks in front of his studio.

So he opens his mouth to make an excuse as to why he has to leave, but then Yoongi opens the door and glances back at him. "Are you coming in or...?"

Not wanting to make a bigger fool of himself, Jeongguk swallows the words and just nod stiffly.

The studio is small and it seems like all of the equipment had been crammed into wherever there was space. Standing in a room with soundboards, monitors, a recording booth and even a electric piano, Jeongguk feels awkward and out of his element. It hasn't even been a year since he last played anything but it feels as if it's been ages. He wonders if he would have been given a studio much like this one if he had just given his father the middle finger and walked out the door.

Yoongi plops himself down in the chair situated in front of the computer, and swivels it around to face Jeongguk. "You can sit down, kid."

"Oh...thank you." Jeongguk shuffles over to a ratty looking couch. Sits down with his posture stiff, back straight and hands folded neatly into his lap.

Yoongi sighs in disbelief. "You don't have to act like I'm going to murder you or something. Relax."

Oh god, now Jeongguk's making things uncomfortable for the both of them. Why can't he just socialize like a normal twenty year old?

"Sorry," he apologizes again. Doesn't relax.

Yoongi mutters something intelligible under his breath. "Taehyung tells me that making music is your dream," he says. "But liking music and being good at it are two different things. Do you play any instruments?"

"The piano and guitar mainly," he answers slowly. And then adds on, "I used to write songs and played around with creating some beats but I was never really good at that."

Yoongi motions towards the guitar sitting in a corner. "Wanna play?"

Immediately, Jeongguk feels himself closing off. "I-I don't think that's a good idea."

Yoongi appears pretty irritated by his response. He mutters something under his breath that sounds like, "then why did you come here?" before he tsks and then turns back towards the computer. "I can show you some of my projects if you'd like." He sounds disinterested, as if he's just fulfilling a promise towards Taehyung and would care less if Jeongguk says no and leaves.

Taehyung had said that Yoongi would like him, but that seems to be a complete lie because Jeongguk ruins everything.

"Taehyung told me that you're good at hiphop," Jeongguk comments in an attempt to lighten the mood. "It's my favorite genre."

Yoongi shrugs as he starts to pull files up . "I rap but I'm not that special."

Except that he is and the moment the notes flow out of the speakers, followed by Yoongi's voice, Jeongguk's jaw practically drops to the floor. Yoongi's rapping style is nothing like Jeongguk has ever heard before. It's aggressive with a slight lisp, a twinge of an accent similar to Taehyung's. The way he rhymes syllables and plays with words leaves Jeongguk speechless. His lyrics are genius. Heavy and raw. Jeongguk gets lost in the unique flavor of Yoongi's rap, the way he unabashedly talks about his mental health, about wanting to give up and yet still holding on for the future. There's no filter and it's terrifying. Jeongguk's never been able to relate to someone so much before.

He never thought that anyone else besides himself could hold such darkness in them. All his life, Jeongguk has been sure that if you opened him up you would find that his insides are nothing but black, but now he thinks that maybe Yoongi might have a little bit of it inside him as well.

By the last track Yoongi plays titled 'The Last', Jeongguk feels like he can't breathe. It's powerful. Suffocating. He wonders what kind of things Yoongi has gone through to produce such dark music. Feels like maybe Yoongi can understand him.

"Are you from Daegu?" it's the first question he asks after the song ends and Yoongi looks at him strangely.

"Yeah. Me and Taehyung were actually childhood friends until he moved away. Why?"

Jeongguk fiddles with his fingers, refuses to make eye contact. "I-it's just that I thought I could hear the accent in your rap. I really liked it sunbae. I think you're really amazing."

Yoongi snorts. "Just call me hyung, it's weird when you speak so formally."

"Okay then." He flushes. Feels a little warm knowing that Yoongi tolerates him enough for such familiarity.

"Do you still not want to play?" Yoongi asks and Jeongguk feels selfish knowing that Yoongi shared something so intimate with him, and yet he's being difficult.

"I guess I can try," he answers hesitantly and Yoongi seems a little more interested in him now. Grabs the guitar with eager fingers and passes it on to him.

"If you remember a song you composed, play that instead."

Jeongguk gulps. "But what if it sucks?"

Yoongi shrugs. "Then I'll teach you."

Maybe the older boy doesn't hate him after all.

Taking a deep, shuddering breath, Jeongguk positions the guitar in his lap. Plucks at the strings and tunes it to his liking. It's a little alien at first, and despite being a nervous wreck, he begins to re-familiarize himself with the shapes and sound. He's pretty sure that he'll completely fucked this up because the only person he could ever confidently play in front of was his mom. He remembers the insults that his father had thrown towards him about wasting his time with music and he's so sure that he'll fail, but when he finally begins to play it becomes motor memory from there.

The melody is sad and slow. He messes up a few times in the beginning but refuses to allow himself to be intimidated and instead loses himself in the feeling, the yearning. The notes begin to sound more stable until it all flows together and Jeongguk is in bliss. He begins to hum the melody softly and he's never sang in front of anyone before, but then he's opening his mouth and singing. Softly. Hauntingly. The lyrics strikingly painful as Yoongi's. It's a song about loss and regret, and Jeongguk pours his heart into it even when his voice cracks and his pitch is off at parts.

When he's done the room is eerily quiet. Too quiet. He peels open his eyes to find Yoongi staring at him in wonder, mouth forming a soft o. And Jeongguk holds his breath because he's scared—terrified that Yoongi will hate it. Because he knows that he's not enough of anything. Not talented enough. Not smart enough. Not confident enough. That's why his father hated his music. He's just not good enough.

But then Yoongi lets out a breathless wow and he's smiling softly, the speckled brown of his irises shining. "That was far better than I was expecting it to be," Yoongi admits. Sounds kind of taken aback. "You really have a talent Jeon Jeongguk, don't let go of that."

"Are you just saying that to make me feel better?" Jeongguk mumbles.

Yoongi gives him a pointed look. "Do I seem like the type to spew bullshit?"

"No."

"Then accept the compliment, kid. I rarely give them out."

Jeongguk sags in relief, tension leaving his body. He's a little shell shocked with disbelief. Can't believe that someone as amazing and genius as Yoongi has actually acknowledged him and didn't sneer at the sound of his voice or call him shitty.

"Thank you," he says quietly. Looks up shyly and flutters his lashes. "It really means a lot coming from someone like you."

"Someone like me?" Yoongi snorts. "I'm just a mess, kid. Not someone you should look up to."

"So am I."

Yoongi stares at him, long and hard as if he's debating something. "Yeah, I've heard. Guess we'll just be fuck ups together then.

Jeongguk freezes. "And what exactly did you hear?"

"I told you that I've known Tae ever since we were kids," Yoongi answers evenly. "Plus me and Jimin have been together for a couple of years now, so yeah I know everything."

It's like the first time Jeongguk met Taehyung again in Starbucks and he feels so incredibly small as if his body is about to collapse in on itself, because everyone but Hoseok knows how ugly he really is. But what is he supposed to say? He didn't mean to? Because even if he regrets it he did mean it, and he doesn't know how to tell people why. Why he was so angry and bitter at the world and why it's still hard for him to really lay it all out and say sorry.

Because they say that abuse is a bad word. An ulcer in his stomach that he shouldn't talk about. So he's always stayed quiet, covered big swatches of blue and purple. Treated them like spacedust, another galaxy. The coloration he wore like a necklace had been Saturn's ring.

"How long have you known?"

Yoongi doesn't answer right away. Seems to be choosing his words carefully. "Since the day Taehyung returned to Daegu with stitches in his arms, more broken than he used to be."

Jeongguk's heart plummets all the way down to his stomach and he feels sick. He finally has the answer to the question that has been eating away at him for so long. He doesn't understand why it hurts.

Yoongi knows. Of course he knows. Anyone within a five mile radius knows how ugly Jeongguk really is. Knows that if they open him up all they'll find is rot. He's scared of a lot of things; like spiders, loud noises and microwaves. But most of all, he's scared of himself. Scared that he'll never amount to anything more than his mistakes and people will leave like they always do. They'll take his house and tear it all down and he promised himself that he'd never let anyone in to hurt him like that ever again, yet here he is. A stupid, stupid boy. When will he learn?

"I don't hate you," Yoongi adds on when Jeongguk doesn't respond, just stares at his lap and picks at the skin around his finger again. "At first I was so angry that I wanted to kill you with my bare hands, but the past is the past and everyone is over it."

"Why?" Jeongguk's vision starts to blur. He hopes that he doesn't start to cry. This is their first meeting after all.

"Because you were just a kid," Yoongi says. And then gently, "you're obviously not the same person you used to be."

But he is and Jeongguk doesn't know how Yoongi can't see that.

Neither of them seem to know what to say after that because Jeongguk has never allowed himself to be forgiven and he doesn't know how to handle this. He feels sick having confirmation that Taehyung hurt himself because of Jeongguk.

Yoongi clears his throat eventually. "It's getting late, you should head home," he says. "Come by whenever. I'm always here." It's an invitation, a sign to let Jeongguk know that Yoongi truly doesn't hate him but he's undeserving of it.

He smiles anyway. Stands up and bids the older boy farewell but his words feel empty and numbness begins to spread throughout his body. He feels tingly. Jeongguk knows that he's starting to float again. He doesn't remember how he gets home, just knows that it all goes from zero to a hundred faster than he can comprehend.

One moment he's standing at a crosswalk, waiting for the light to turn green as cars zoom by. Seoul traffic is always awful and Jeongguk knows that if he stepped out into the road he could really end it all now, but he doesn't remember ever making it that far. Everything fades out and when his vision finally comes back into focus he's standing atop a chair in the kitchen. Confused, he realizes that there's a rope hanging loosely around his neck, tied to the ceiling lamp and he's staring at the tiles on the floor, wondering if it'll hurt.

But then his senses return to him and Jeongguk startles. Confusion morphs into fear and disgust and as the sudden onslaught of emotions hit him, he begins to shake. He can't do this. It's too early and he's too scared. And, and—a sob rips its way past his throat and Jeongguk screams in frustration. In pain.

"Do you think people can change?"

"Not really. You can't change who you are at your very core."

He removes the rope from his neck and climbs off the chair. Picks it up and throws it across the kitchen with so much force that the legs break and splinter upon impact. Picks up a glass cup and throws it on the floor. Screams and cries some more as he destroys everything. He wants to tear this entire building down.

"Do you still hate me?"

"I don't know."

He throws another plate and steps in shards of glass but he doesn't even flinch. He can barely feel it, tracks blood all over the white tiles and thinks it's beautiful how he can bleed like this. He's sure that Taehyung bled even more.

"This is what happens when boys kiss other boys. Don't forget it, son."

Jeongguk hates himself. Doesn't understand why he can't just do it when he's wanted to die for years now. Why can't he just take that final leap and do it? He's pathetic. Too much of a coward. Perhaps its because it's not New Years yet and he still hasn't told Taehyung everything. Maybe after he gets everything off of his chest and sees Taehyung doing well for well, maybe then he can finally let go.

Or maybe he's still hoping that someone, anyone, will ask him to stay.

He collapses on the floor, pulls out his phone from his pocket and through blurry vision, attempts to scroll through his contacts. When he hits call, the line picks up on the third ring.

"Hello?" Jimin's soft voice carries through the receiver and Jeongguk's still sobbing. "Guk? Is that you? are you okay?" his tone is severe, worried now.

"H-hyung," Jeongguk chokes out. "I n-need you. Please. I need you."

Jimin's breath hitches. "Where are you?"