Floating. Jeongguk is floating. And... he doesn't remember anything. Just knows that in this moment all he is aware of is numb warmth. He tries to think of his purpose, of his reason for being here but it all just makes his head hurt, so he just doesn't think of anything at all and simply exists—wherever that is.

"—guk! Jeongguk!"

Is this heaven? Maybe he can finally let go.

"Jeongguk, look at me!"

There are hands on him. On his arm, on his face, prying his fingers away from his hair, stroking his head. The touch is warm, soft, familiar. But then Jeongguk opens his eyes and he sees Taehyung, knelt in front of him with his eyebrows knitted in worry. Suddenly the touches feel dirty. Warmth replaced by something cold and bitter. It all feels too wrong. Too much. He's burning again, and he wants to get away but nothing comes out and his brain is still lagging behind and the confusion scares him.

Then there's the sound of the sliding door opening. "Taehyung—" A pause that sounds a lot like rage. "What's going on?"

"I—I don't know. We were talking and then he just—"

Rushed footsteps and then another person kneeling before him but he can't see their face. It's all static.

"Taehyung, what the fuck did you do?" At the blatant hostility in his tone, Taehyung flinches back.

"I didn't do anything!" Taehyung jumps to his feet and the other person follows.

"Don't bullshit me, dude."

"We were just talking. I swear."

"Is this what just talking looks like?" The person sighs deeply as if trying to collect himself. "Look, I know that it's hard for you to get over what happened, but it was eight years ago, Tae. You were both just kids and Jeongguk doesn't deserve this. Not from you or anyone else. You don't have to be his friend, but at least treat him with some fucking decency, yeah?"

They continue to argue until it all becomes background noise because Jeongguk's still trapped in his head. He thinks about New Years and he can't wait. Doesn't think that he has the strength to make it. But if he jumped off of Hoseok's balcony he'd only break a few bones and even after all these years, he's still not good with physical pain.

It dawns on him then, that this is his life. That after twenty years this is what he amounts to. Ugly, pathetic and weak. A disappointment and a burden to everyone else around him. He understands now why his father wants nothing to do with him. Why his mother keeps him at a distance.

Oh.

It's like being yanked out from under water and taking that first desperate gasp of air, and when it all fills his lungs it hurts. It burns. It all comes rushing back and the nausea hits him like a freight train. Before he can even comprehend what's happening, Jeongguk bends over his side and vomits. Ears ringing and eyes watering, he dispels a stomach full of moonshine all over Hoseok's balcony on Halloween. He wasn't that drunk really. Wasn't like Hoseok, a slurring stumbling mess, but sometimes he gets like this. Sometimes the panic that fills him makes him sick and it doesn't happen a lot. It's usually not this bad, but being around Taehyung is a constant reminder of everything that he's tried so hard to forget.

They're both immediately at his side again. But Taehyung's too close and it's suffocating. Makes his head spin all over again and he can't do this. Can't humiliate himself any further than he already has. Taehyung reaches for him again and he flinches. Presses himself even further against the rail in hopes that he'll shrink until he disappears.

"Jeongguk." Taehyung whispers his name softly and Jeongguk hates the way he says it—like it's safe in his mouth.

He shakes his head. Knows that any word that the other boy speaks will only destroy him further because the smallest of things cut him open and Jeongguk has long forgotten how to pretend to be whole. Do people change? He wants to ask again. When he was fifteen his mom asked him why he kept running if he was so intent on falling, and honestly, he doesn't know why. He doesn't know why he tries to change for people who don't want him to.

It never works out in the end. When being gay had equated to bringing shame to his family, Jeongguk had tried to change then. "It's just a phase, son," his father had said, and through bloodied lips and a swollen black eye Jeongguk had smiled and told his father that he was right. That he didn't know what he was thinking. That he was just curious.

But the truth is that he couldn't change, and the only time he'd kissed a girl it had all felt so wrong and awful. And god did he try. He read the bible everyday and when his father took him to church to see the priest he thought that maybe he'd be able to live a normal life, but he's still the fucking same and Taehyung is an awful reminder of it.

"Leave me alone," he wheezes weakly. Doesn't know how he manages to speak in the first place. "P-please just—" he cuts himself short, tries to take a big gulp of air and chokes instead. He knows that apologies have never fixed anything.

He looks away from Taehyung and tries to somewhat clear his head enough for him to see straight. He squints his eyes, tries to make sense of the person in front of him and—oh. It's Jimin. He has a hand on Jeongguk's back, rubbing it in soothing motions.

His expression is hard and angry as he glares at Taehyung. "I think you need to go, Tae."

"But—"

He narrows his eyes, tone icy. "I'm not messing around. You need to go."

Jeongguk doesn't know why, but at the sight of the familiar boy knelt in front of him, tears immediately fill his eyes. "H-hyung?" he calls brokenly, voice cracks on a sob. "Jimin hyung?"

Immediately, as if a switch has been flipped, Jimin's expression softens and he smiles carefully. "I'm right here, Guk."

It's as if a dam has been released and Jeongguk jumps forward. Buries himself right in Jimin's chest and begins to cry—hard and ugly. And Jimin just holds him close. Runs his fingers through Jeongguk's hair and lets him get tears and snot all over his nice police uniform.

"Go," he hears Jimin repeat and then there's the sound of receding footsteps. "Breathe. Just breathe." Jeongguk feels the pressure of Jimin's fingers applied to his scalp in an attempt to calm him and he only holds on tighter—feels more desperate to be close to something familiar, something warm. And perhaps, something that feels a little like home. "It's okay. Nothing bad is going to happen to you. I'm not going anywhere."

"Hyung."

"Hoseok hyung's been sulking over you. He's completely shitfaced and threw up all over himself again, but he wouldn't stop crying about how awful of a friend he is." Jimin laughs, low and nervous and Jeongguk feels his chest rumble. "He really cares about you, y'know?" He pauses, fingers halting their movement. And then more seriously he says, "we both do."

They're quiet for awhile. Jimin blabbers about random things, tells an embarrassing story from his past and laughs at his own jokes (even if they're terrible) and Jeongguk is quiet. He focuses on the sound of Jimin's voice. The warmth of his body. Tries to pull himself together and breathe. When he finally manages to calm down his head is in a haze and he feels heavy. Lethargic.

Jimin's gone quiet too as he waits patiently. Simply soothes Jeongguk with his reassuring touches and Jeongguk lets the warmth seep into his skin, down to his bones. Doesn't understand why Jimin, who held such deep rooted animosity towards him, is so kind towards him. Doesn't understand how anyone could care for him.

Jimin and Hoseok. Hoseok and Jimin. They're supposed to be temporary.

"'m sorry," Jeongguk mumbles. "I always fuck things up."

He tries to pull back but Jimin only hugs him tighter. "Didn't I already tell you to stop apologizing?" he says. "You have nothing to be sorry for."

But he does. He has so many things to be sorry for and it's all stuck in his throat. It feels wrong to be consoled like this when Taehyung is probably hurting far worse than he is.

Jimin loosens his hold and Jeongguk is able to pull back this time. Wipes at his face and grimaces when he notices the eyeliner smudged on the back of his hand. He can only imagine how much of a wreck he must look like right now.

Looking at the other boy right now, Jeongguk knows what to say. Jimin's expression is pinched, lips downturned and eyebrows furrowed. Lately it seems that Jeongguk's only good at worrying his friends.

"Do you want to talk about what happened?" Jimin asks.

He shakes his head. There's a harsh breeze and both of them shiver. Jeongguk wonders why he ever thought it was a good idea to go outside in the first place. His fingers feel a bit numb.

"Then let's get you home, yeah? I don't want you to catch a cold." Before he can protest, Jimin's hoisting him up on his feet and he stumbles, legs unsteady and head spinning for a moment before he rights himself.

"I don't want people to see me," Jeongguk admits. "I look awful."

Jimin bites his bottom lip as he takes in Jeongguk's appearance. "Yeah, you do look like shit but everyone in there is drunk off their ass anyways. No one will notice."

Jeongguk's doubtful but doesn't protest, not wanting to cause any more trouble than he already has. "Okay," he mumbles. Lets Jimin take him by the hand and lead him back inside and through the crowd. He keeps his head down the entire time. Focuses on their linked together fingers instead. Tries not to wonder if Taehyung is still here. Tries not to care.

The drive back home is a blur. The car is engulfed in silence, save for the music playing softly through the radio. At some point Jeongguk passes out and it isn't until Jimin's shaking him awake that he realizes how utterly exhausted he is. Jimin follows him into his apartment, despite his protests of being just fine. Waits for Jeongguk to change and perches himself on the edge of the bed once the younger boy is tucked under the covers.

It's dark and Jeongguk can barely see him. The only light source being the faint sliver of the living room light through the crack of the doorway.

"I know you don't want to talk about it," Jimin starts, "but I don't want to misunderstand the situation. Did...did Taehyung say anything terrible to you?"

Jeongguk swallows. Laughs but it sounds more like a croak, dry and awful. It would be easier to lie. To pretend that he hadn't stood under the faded light in the kitchen with Taehyung and drank moonshine for the first time. Hadn't stared at his collarbones, the curve of his lips. But it gets tiring, keeping everything to himself all of the time.

"That's the thing, hyung. He didn't say anything shitty to me. It was just casual conversation to fill the silence and act like there weren't a million things that either of us wanted to say. It was nothing and yet I freaked the fuck out." He lets out a sigh. "I'm pathetic aren't I? Had a fuckin' panic attack over something so stupid."

He stares at the wall. It's the first time he's said it outloud—given the feeling of being unable to breathe a name. It becomes real. Tangible. Like it's not a secret that Jeongguk folds into unread envelopes anymore. He's never told anyone about this; about how sometimes the need for air is overwhelming and he shakes until he becomes an earthquake, a magnitude of 9.5.

"You're not so don't say that about yourself," Jimin scolds. "Your emotions are valid, Guk. You have a right to feel the way you feel and don't let anyone else tell you different."

Jeongguk wants to argue. Wants to say that he really doesn't have a right to anything, but doesn't. Shoves it all down and utters an, "okay" instead because his eyelids are heavy and he just wants to sleep for a thousand years and never wake up.

"Thank you," he mumbles. "I don't know what I'd do without you."

Jimin laughs lightly. "Anything for you."

And then he succumbs to the fatigue and falls asleep.

Jeongguk spends the next few days locked inside of his apartment. It's a routine that his friends are all too familiar with and they give him the space he needs. Jimin texts him constantly, asking if he's taking care of his hygiene and eating. Hoseok sends him random memes that he thinks are hilarious, but no one else finds funny. Still, Jeongguk always indulges because he loves his friends far more than he should.

It's on a Tuesday evening when the silence is finally broken. Hoseok asks Jeongguk if he wants to go out to eat and he almost says no, but figures that it's the least that he can do after causing so much shit.

"Is there anywhere you want to go?" Hoseok asks. They're walking down the street, just a few blocks away from campus. There's something in the air between them, a sense of awkwardness that Jeongguk can't wrap his head around because Hoseok is a lot of things, awkward not being one of them. His smiles seem strained and conversation a little forced. It makes Jeongguk's skin prickle with paranoia.

What if he knows?

"Pizza?" he suggests.

Hoseok nods. "Then pizza it is, your majesty."

Jeongguk snorts. The fear alleviated the moment he sees the sign of his favorite pizza place. He hasn't eaten anything else besides ramen for the last few days and his mouth waters at the sight. But any excitement he had initially felt deflates the moment he walks through the door and sees who's behind the counter, heart plummeting down to his stomach.

Taehyung stands in front of the register. His uniform consists of a red polo shirt with the logo stitched atop the right breast and skinny jeans. The black hat he's wearing is honestly ugly, but Kim Taehyung can make anything look good. Even a stupid pizza hat.

Hoseok calls his name, says, "I totally forgot you worked here, dude."

And Jeongguk panics because how could Hoseok forget? Surely Jimin had informed him about what had conspired at the party. He's not ready for this yet and the paranoia is back, this time stronger than ever.

Taehyung opens his mouth to make a snide remark but the moment he sees Jeongguk he freezes, eyes wide. Jeongguk stares right back, doesn't know how to look away because Taehyung makes his brain turn to goo. Makes his knees weak and cheeks warm.

Taehyung blinks, closes his mouth and swallows. He clears his throat and his smile is all wobbly and awkward and cute. "How do you forget where your best friend works, dumbass?" and then to Jeongguk, "hi."

"H-hi," Jeongguk stutters out weakly. Feels himself shrinking again. Why does he literally have the worst of luck? The memory of Taehyung kneeling in front of him, face too close and voice smothered in concern as he attempted to calm Jeongguk down is still too fresh in his mind.

"How are you doing?" Taehyung adjusts his cap, shifts his weight as if he's nervous and Jeongguk tenses up.

"I'm alive," he says it like a joke, like he doesn't constantly wish he were dead instead. Like Taehyung hadn't watched him fall apart on Halloween.

"I'm glad. You're alive. I'm glad that you're alive and uh, doing better." It's all so forced and far outweighs the awkwardness with Hoseok.

"Me too," Jeongguk mutters. Stares at the tip of Taehyung's nose but never his eyes. He's too scared, too cowardly.

"Do you want some pizza?" Taehyung asks as if that's not exactly what they're here for.

"Uh, yeah. I—I would totally like some pizza."

"I see."

"Yeah."

Hoseok steps forward then, noticing the tension. He throws an arm around Jeongguk and grins. "Our bunny here loves cheese pizza with extra cheese."

"But hyung, don't you hate—"

"We'll take a medium."

Jeongguk tries to argue but Hoseok's already pulling out his wallet out and fishing for some bills. But then Taehyung shakes his head. "It's on the house," he says. Stares right at Jeongguk.

Hoseok looks shocked but doesn't object. "Thanks dude."

They find a table and Hoseok sits across from him—seems to have a lot on his mind. Chews on his bottom lip and looks at Jeongguk strangely and he's too scared to ask. He's always unsure, hesitant. The dark cloud of anxiety always hanging above his head.

"Taehyung doesn't ever do that for anyone." Hoseok finally speaks up. "I've been trying to get a free pizza out of him for the past five months and he wouldn't budge or even give one to Jimin."

Jeongguk glances at Taehyung who's taking another customer's order. He's all smiles and his laugh echoes, reverberates inside Jeongguk down to his very core and something inside him aches because he's never seen Taehyung look so happy and at ease, and he knows that Taehyung will never smile at him like that.

"Is that what you really wanted to talk about, hyung?" Jeongguk implores. Tongue feeling thick because this is it. This is the part where Hoseok finally reveals that he knows everything. That he feels disgusted and betrayed. "You've been acting off since we met up."

The cheery demeanor instantly drops but instead of angry, Hoseok looks guilty. "I'm sorry," he blurts. "I'm so sorry, Guk."

"Woah, what?"

"I know how nervous you are around strangers and yet I forced you to go to the party, even though you obviously really didn't want to go. On top of that, I got wasted before you even arrived and left you to fend for yourself. I'm so stupid and selfish and I'm sorry." Hoseok flushes. Looks down at his lap in shame and mumbles another, "I'm really sorry."

And Jeongguk? He's speechless. Even though he had been quite miffed at first, he never once had blamed Hoseok because at the end of the day, he was the one who had decided to go the party. Watching Hoseok apologize to someone like him leaves a bad taste in his mouth because he's the one who should be sorry. He's the one who's been lying since the moment they met.

"Hyung..." Jeongguk chews at his bottom lip. He's always been awful at comforting people and he doesn't remember the last time anyone had ever apologized to him besides Jimin. He's almost tempted to argue with the older boy but with Hoseok, he knows that he'll never win. "It's okay," he says instead. "I'm not upset with you. Seriously."

"Really?" Hoseok lifts his head rather meekly. His hesitancy clear as day. "You don't want to punch me in the throat?"

Jeongguk scrunches his nose. "Why would I want to do that?"

Hoseok just stares at him. Eyes gleaming. "You're too pure for this world," he utters.
The pizza comes, steaming hot and fresh. Jeongguk's mouth waters at the aroma and Hoseok is far too eager (even if he hates cheese) and burns his tongue, despite Jeongguk's warning. The tension between them dissipates completely but he still can't seem to relax—at least, not with Taehyung around. He thinks about the party and how Taehyung didn't say that he hated Jeongguk, but he also didn't imply that he liked him either. It's like they're stuck in this limbo of uncertainty and it makes his stomach queasy. Jeongguk doesn't bode well with the unknown.

So he tries to push it away. Thinks that if he can just avoid Taehyung they can both forget about the party, about the balcony. The panic attack. It's humiliating really. A side of Jeongguk that he never wanted anyone else to see, least of all Taehyung. Who is bright and beautiful and too good for tragedy. Lately, Jeongguk has found himself wondering how Taehyung ever learned to let go of the boy he used to be and move. Did he ever manage to swallow his sorrows? Because Jeongguk's is still stuck against his voice box and won't go down. But he's perfected this, holding onto the bad. Spinning it around and around until it makes him dizzy with regret and self loathing.

They finish the pizza and even though Jeongguk is stuffed he feels terribly empty. Why can't food be a placeholder for sadness? He's determined to rush out the door before Taehyung notices. Doesn't give Hoseok any time to gather his things before he's halfway to the door and he's almost there. But then Taehyung steps around the counter and makes a beeline directly for him and oh shit.

"Can we talk?" Taehyung all but blurts. Cheeks flushed and for some reason he's breathing hard like he's out of breath.

Jeongguk kind of just freezes up. Tries to process everything in his head before he glances back at Hoseok, who's giving him an encouraging thumbs up. That's when he realizes that this was all just a trap and that his friend is just an evil person at heart.

Realizing that he currently has no choice but to comply, Jeongguk sighs. "Sure," he mumbles. Tries to seem relaxed even though he's a shit actor.

"Okay then." Taehyung just stands there awkwardly for a long moment. Shifts on one foot and looks everywhere but at Jeongguk. "There's a park nearby if you wanna go there."

Jeongguk swallows. Realizes that he'll be far from Hoseok and he's become so ridiculously dependent at this point. It scares him, knowing that he can never go back to the solitude he lived with for eight years. Because now someone other than the walls of his childhood home know his secrets. He doesn't know why he wants to return to a house full of spiders anyways.

It's like, sometimes he's laughing and being around Hoseok and Jimin makes his heart feel so full. Makes his fingertips feel all tingly and he thinks, I could get used to this. But there are times when he wakes up and Jeongguk wishes that he could return back to the darkness. Sometimes he thinks about New Years and how he'll be gone and he feels such relief, but then the next minute he's so unsure of everything. He gives himself whiplash and he hates it—how he doesn't understand himself or his feelings and it all feels stupid. So stupid.

The walk to the park is encompassed by a silence that stretches too thin. They walk with distance between them and Jeongguk's on edge. He never looks at Taehyung once, too scared to find out what kind of face he's making. What is he thinking? When they're together, does Taehyung dream about losing teeth? Jeongguk does. He dreams of wide nights that leave him powerless. Mocking whispers closing around the base of his throat like a vice. He dreams of a younger Taehyung; small, trembling, and godless. Taehyung who has grown and flourished into someone strong. Someone that's got his shit together and eats three meals a day. Someone who is deserving of kindness. Ethereal and out of reach for men like Jeongguk.

They arrive at the park and Taehyung leads him to a bench on a hill that overlooks a lake; shimmering and dancing lights reflected from the sun. It's a breathtaking sight and Jeongguk finds himself transfixed, tries to lose himself in the way the water moves. But he can't. He can't because Taehyung's sat next to him, too much space between them still.

There's a long, drawn out sigh. "It's pretty isn't it? I come here often when I need to think."

But the lake is just a lake and Taehyung is an ocean. Jeongguk dares to look at him and he's handsome in the sun, the light caresses him gently. Jeongguk thinks that Taehyung may be the sun god's lost lover. Thinks that he belongs up in the clouds, not in a dirty place like this where humans are cruel and selfish.

He stares at his palms, opens and closes them again.

It's so hard for him to hold onto things. Him and Taehyung and loneliness. He's still holding onto the wrong parts of life, grasps these feelings so tightly because he doesn't want to let go. But then it all gets messy. Overflows and seeps out of the cracks of his fingers red, runs over his skin red, spills into the air red and stains his carpet red. I'm sorry. But what was he supposed to do? He makes such a mess out of things but can't look away because it's a beautiful mess. It becomes too breathtaking to scrub away, a captivating shade of crimson. But now he realizes that it was the color of blood—desperately wishing that it was the color of soulmates. Of apologies and forgiveness. So many things left unsaid.

He's had to reshape his heart around the hole that had formed after Taehyung left. Buries the bad memories in his mind, lets them rot like a time capsule. But lately he's dug it all up. Lately he wonders about what Taehyung had meant that night. I don't know. Wonders if he can ever be forgiven. Wonders about the free pizza and the way Taehyung had offered him a drink that night. He thinks and he thinks and he thinks, but when he opens his mouth he chokes.

"Can we just forget about that night?" The words tumble out recklessly and Jeongguk's heart beats loudly, thumps against his chest ready to escape. Why did he have to go and mention it? Stupid, stupid Jeongguk.

Taehyung shifts nervously, tongue darting out to lick his lips. "Do we have to?" he's hesitant. Scratches the back of his neck and finally looks Jeongguk in the eyes. "I feel like shit about that night. That's kinda what I wanted to talk about."

Jeongguk's skin grows hot and he doesn't like where this is going. Doesn't want to talk about that night. Sows his mouth together and stares at his feet instead because why do they have to talk? What is there to talk about?

"I didn't mean to freak you out like that." Taehyung frowns, stares back out at the lake. "I didn't think that you'd ever have anxiety."

Anger flares up inside of him and Jeongguk blurts, "I know I'm fucked up okay? You don't have to mention it."

Taehyung blinks, clearly taken aback. He seems unsure of what to do with himself and laughs awkwardly. "You're not fucked up, Jeongguk. Not at all." He sounds sincere and Jeongguk wants to close his ears and turn away.

"Y'know, when we were kids you were a lot different. Bold and loud, you were never afraid to say what you were thinking." He flinches at his own words. "But now...now you're completely different from the person I had painted in my head." He looks at Jeongguk, brows furrowed like he's trying to make sense of it in his head—how someone so cruel could turn into something terribly fragile.

"What happened to you, Jeon Jeongguk?" the question is quiet but fills the tiny space that surrounds them. Fills up the small box and Jeongguk feels like he's starting to drown, head barely above water and struggling for air. He feels like his lungs are going to constrict and he can't. He can't. He can't. The question is too loaded and he isn't ready for this conversation. He doesn't know where to even start. An apology? But there's too much to apologize for, so many things overflowing and spilling over and he doesn't know how to clean it all up.

I'm sorry for accusing you of being gay. I'm sorry you were bullied because of me. Did you really try to kill yourself or was it just another shitty rumor? I'm sorry that I never tried to understand you. I hated myself so much back then and still do. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. God, I'm so sorry—

Where does he start? Where does he fucking start? Does he tell Taehyung that after he'd left, Jeongguk had become too familiar with the cruelness of children? Does he tell Taehyung about the way everyone left him? Swatches of big bruises, painted under his toes all the way to the swell of his eyes, courtesy of people he had once considered his best friends. Or does he tell Taehyung about how he knows what it's like to have his backpack torn apart; pencils and notebooks thrown into a nearby stream. How he stood on the railing of Mapo bridge when he was sixteen. How he's gay and no one knows. How he doesn't even accept himself.

Jeongguk can't do this, he's not ready. He feels the panic begin to well up inside him and squeeze his heart. There's still two months until New Years, and he just needs some time, but Taehyung is looking at him so expectantly, he feels like he's going to cry.

"I—I guess I just grew up." Jeongguk lies through his teeth. "I was a really immature kid back then."

Taehyung shrugs like it's not a big deal. Like Jeongguk hasn't destroyed himself for years over this. "We all were."

They're just barely skirting around the subject, dipping their toes in the water.

And then, so quietly that it's barely a faint whisper, "I'm sorry."

Jeongguk startles because what the actual fuck? It was already weird enough as it was receiving an apology from Hoseok, but now this?

"You don't have to be sorry," Jeongguk says quickly. "It's not your fault." He feels the panic begin to recede.

"But it is." Taehyung scratches the bridge of his nose, squints at the sun. "I've kinda been a total asshole to you, right? I never thought about the fact that you might have stuff going on in your personal life. So yeah, sorry."

Jeongguk blinks. Opens his mouth and then closes it again. Frowns and tries to make sense of it all in his head, because Taehyung is too good for apologies and Jeongguk doesn't deserve it when he's the one who wronged him in the first place. Figures that Taehyung is just as stubborn as Hoseok is and settles for, "thanks."

It feels all weird on his tongue. Two apologies in one day. It takes him back to when he was fifteen and his mother had cried over his bruised and beaten body sprawled across the kitchen floor. Repeated apology after apology like a mantra. Jeongguk hasn't known kindness until these past few months.

They sit in quiet for another few minutes, neither of them know how to fill the silence. What happens after this? Do they go back to avoiding each other and acting like everything's ok? What does Taehyung's apology mean when Jeongguk hasn't even uttered a single sorry for the pain he caused.

"If you ever want my employee discount, come by whenever you want," Taehyung says. Looks at his fingernails instead. He's embarrassed and it's cute. Really cute.

"O-okay." Jeongguk blushes, feeling equally as flustered. He's glad that Taehyung isn't looking at him because he's scared that the other boy will notice the way he trembles and know the truth. A truth that he's not too sure of anymore.

Because Taehyung has never given anyone free pizza before. His gaze is no longer cold and his words aren't malicious. It makes Jeongguk's head spin. Makes his heart sing—hands shake. No one else seems to have this effect on him and it's terrifying.

For the past eight years, Jeongguk has lived in a house full of spiders that aren't interested in helping him live, but Taehyung is like the sharp edge of a knife and Jeongguk is trying to get rid of himself. And so he tells himself that he'll apologize soon because he's ready to finally dissipate into air and become someone who doesn't take up space—who isn't needy and clingy and a burden. He'll disappear from everyone's life like dust, not even leaving footprints behind.

In the morning Jeongguk will kiss Taehyung's shadow instead of him, waiting for a sign from God telling him that it's okay to live. But unless it's a neon sign right in front of him, he won't see it. Unless Taehyung asks him to stay, he'll turn into smoke.

Jeongguk looks out to the lake again. Thinks about how he'll be gone soon. Everyone will be okay without him—he's just a mismatched piece of a puzzle anyways.

Hoseok comes and takes him home, and Jeongguk wishes that all of this could stay permanent. Wishes for a happiness that will never come to him. He smiles when Jimin comes by and surprises him with a restock of banana milk. For now this is enough, even if he has to go one day.

Soon, he thinks. Soon.