five years ago

Jeon Jeongguk is fourteen years old when he meets Yoo Jungho. The hellish years of middle school are over and although his first year of high school is supposed to be a new start, Jeongguk finds it nearly impossible to make friends. Even though the threat of Mingyu and his other former friends turned bullies no longer hover over him, Jeongguk finds himself traumatized. The fear and paranoia lingers. He's terrified of people, finds himself flinching back at the slightest gestures. High school is where he becomes acquainted with constant anxiety.

There's still the ghost of hands in his hair yanking harshly at his scalp. There's still the fear of being followed on his way home after school. Even now, he constantly looks over his shoulders. The sound of footsteps behind him is met with near panic attacks until he realizes that it's just a group of high school girls behind him. After Taehyung had transferred, Jeongguk's life had been flipped upside down.

It's not really Taehyung's fault. Jeongguk knows that it was his own immaturity that put him in this position and now he has to live with it. Besides, he really shouldn't be complaining much. Jeongguk lives a relatively comfortable life at home. His parents spoil him rotten and his future is laid out for him, except—except that when he's not playing pretend he knows that nothing is perfect. He knows that his parents hold no love for each other. He knows that everything is fractured, but he's just on the eve of turning fifteen and he wants to be the perfect son.

The truth is, Jeongguk could have put an end to his torment in a heartbeat. His family is at the top of the food chain and his father's company holds more power in this city than almost anyone else. If Jeongguk had told his father that he was being bullied, he would make sure that his son's tormentors would never have a future. Except he just wants to make his parents proud and he remembers Mingyu's words, uttered low and cruelly in his ear as he'd thrown Jeongguk's school bag into the creek.

"If you ever tell your parents, I'll let them know how their son is a fucking fag."

And that was all it took to keep Jeongguk's mouth shut. He remembered his old neighbors and the disgusted look on his father's face at the sight of two men kissing and Jeongguk doesn't know why it scares him so much, the thought of Mingyu telling his father, because it isn't true. Jeongguk's not a homo and he doesn't like boys. He loves the softness of girls. He loves how cute and small they are.

He likes girls but then he's put together with a beautiful blonde boy for a science project and Jeongguk thinks, pretty. Jeongguk thinks, his eyelashes are so long. At fourteen, Jeongguk is small and lanky, and his new partner has broad shoulders. They're the same age but he looks older and when he opens his mouth to introduce himself, his voice is deep.

"I'm Jungho. Yoo Jungho."

Jeongguk swallows, tries to force his brain to cooperate and not mess this up. It's a fresh start, right? "Jeon Jeongguk." And then, "Is that your natural hair color?"

Jungho bursts into laughter. "What kind of Korean has naturally blonde hair?"

Jeongguk scoffs. "I was just trying to make conversation."

Back then, although he had been somewhat beaten down, Jeongguk hadn't completely lost his ability to hold a steady conversation, even if it did make him slightly anxious. Because this wasn't middle school and he still had his entire future ahead of him. He was a good student and even if he didn't have any friends, no one necessarily disliked him. Even if it was hard, Jeongguk still believed that he could get over the past. It was such a small portion of his life after all. He doesn't think much about Kim Taehyung anymore.

Jungho grins cheekily, dimples on display. "I'm just playing with you, dude. You good at biology?"

Jeongguk shrugs. "I'm alright."

"You look like someone who's smart."

Jeongguk snorts and rolls his eyes. Ignores the way that his heart flutters. "I hope you don't expect me to do all the work by myself."

"Of course not." Jungho leans forward, elbows on the desk and winks. "Partners gotta stick together, right?"

"Uh, sure?"

"You're awkward," Jungho unnecessarily blurts.

Jeongguk scrunches his nose. His ears feel a little warm. "Well, you're weird."

Jungho just grins widely. "Normal is overrated anyways."

The banter goes on like this and though tense, Jeongguk's able to converse semi-normally. Jungho is funny, maybe too quirky for his own good. He's got a little bit of an attitude problem, ends his sentences a little too haughtily. He's bold and quickly learns how to push Jeongguk's buttons. How to make Jeongguk trip over his feet and blush. Jungho plays coy, smirks every time.

For the first time in his life, Jeongguk thinks, he's hot.

It's something that he tries to brush off. Jungho is flirty, almost naturally so. Everything he says sounds vaguely suggestive and Jeongguk tries not to let it get to him. He knows that the other boy is just joking, that it doesn't particularly mean anything deep. He's like that with everyone. It's only natural to be attracted to pretty things, Jeongguk tells himself whenever Jungho leans too close and his heart nearly beats right out of his chest. It's only natural.

Jungho comes over on a Saturday to start the project and Jeongguk's mom is embarrassingly overbearing. She's not subtle in the way that she smiles so wide that Jeongguk is sure that her face will split in half whenever she greets Jungho.

"I'm so glad to see that my baby has made a friend," she coos and Jeongguk is tempted to bash his head into the wall. She bakes them cookies and knocks on his bedroom door ten minutes later with some freshly squeezed lemonade. It's annoying and a little bit humiliating because Jeongguk had wanted to seem cool, but now Jungho must think that he's just a rich loser with no friends (not that it's far from the truth, but still).

Jungho doesn't make fun of him, though. He bites into the soft, sugary sweetness and hums in content. "I really like your mom," he says. "Her cookies are good." He then proceeds to shove the rest of it into his mouth and when his cheeks bulge like a chipmunk's, Jeongguk thinks, cute.

"Ah, there's a crumb on your..." He doesn't even have the time to process what he's doing before he's leaning forward and swiping a crumb away from the corner of Jungho's mouth. He freezes too late, thumb still pressed against his mouth. Doesn't even breathe.

He expects Jungho to make a mean joke, to push him away with a snort and call him a little gay boy. Maybe threaten to tell everyone in their class. Call it sexual harassment because that's what straight boys do—that's what boys do.

But Jungho doesn't push him away, just smiles softly against the gentle pressure. "Jeongguk," he starts. His tone is different this time and his eyes sparkle not with mischief, but affection. "Do you like me?"

Jeongguk does pull back then, quickly, as if he'd been burned. His ears burn and he's pretty sure that his cheeks are flushed crimson by now. He averts his gaze, stares at his lap instead. "O-of course I like you!" he says a little too loudly. "You're my partner."

"Not like that..."

"Then, like what? Friends?" Jeongguk hears his voice shrinking.

"You know exactly what I mean, Jeon."

He takes a deep, shuddering breath. How had Jungho figured it out? He thought that he was being careful. Always made sure that there was enough space between them. Never gave into his flirtatious teasing and even pointed out cute girls in their class. If Jungho knows does that mean that he's that obvious? Is it stamped across his forehead?

He panics, stands up quickly and is about to mutter something about having to go to the bathroom when Jungho blurts out, "I like you!"

Jeongguk freezes, feels himself tense, coiling up all tight like a spring. He turns around, expression one of utter confusion. "What?"

Jungho looks nervous. "I, uh, don't really know if you swing the same way and I'm sorry if I'm just totally making a fool out of myself and this might make things awkward, but I really like you, Jeon Jeongguk. As in I want to hold your hand and take you out on dates."

Jeongguk is quite literally stunned into silence at Jungho's bold proclamation. Just stands there with his eyes wide because what the fuck? What the actual fuck? Boys aren't supposed to like other boys, but Jungho had just confessed to him and his heart is thumping against his ribcage. Jeongguk knows that it's wrong, but right now he's not thinking of his father or how disappointed he'll be. He doesn't even stop to consider the fact that this could be a really cruel joke because he's never had someone want him like this.

Right now it's just him and Jungho; two souls who are pulled together by some magnetic force.

"I like you too," Jeongguk confesses. Doesn't know how he manages to get the words past his lips with how overwhelmed he feels. Now it's out in the open and he can't take it back and he doesn't even have time to regret it because Jungho is smiling and it's blinding, knocks the breath right out of him.

"I'm glad," Jungho says, shoulders sagging in relief as he laughs nervously. "I was scared that you might get mad and kick me out," he admits.

Jeongguk knows that he should. He knows that he should distance himself from Jungho as soon possible before a mess is created, but he's just a reckless kid who yearns for someone to be close to, so he lets the other boy stay. He sits back on the bed and Jungho is slow and hesitant when he reaches out his hand to intertwine their fingers. He's never held someone's hand before.

"Well, um, we should work on that project," Jeongguk interjects awkwardly.

Jungho bites his bottom lip, looks like he's trying not to laugh. "Okay. Yeah, we should totally do that."

He squeezes Jeongguk's hand and Jeongguk doesn't complain.

Things between Jeongguk and Jungho progress slowly. Whilst Jungho may put up a rather brazen facade, they're really just two shy boys learning how to love together. Jeongguk isn't quite sure how relationships are supposed to work, but they hold hands and Jungho calls him cute whenever he blushes at the slightest of notions and it feels exclusive. At school nothing really changes. Jungho still talks his ear off and teases him, but there's no hand holding.

They finish the project and by then Jeongguk's mom is so taken by Jungho's charms that she practically explodes with joy whenever he continues to come over just to hang out. She's still utterly embarrassing, but Jeongguk knows that she's just happy her son isn't so lonely anymore.

His father has been away on a business trip for half a month already and his absence makes Jeongguk reckless with his actions. The couple cuddle on his bed and without his father here, Jeongguk doesn't feel ashamed.

Jungho becomes the first of a lot of things; his first relationship, the first person he's cuddled—his first kiss.

It happens after school on a Tuesday. Jeongguk had had a bad day. His seatmate in English was a bitch and did an awful job of peer editing, so Jungho had taken him out to get some ice cream with the allowance that his parents had given him. They sat on a bench at a nearby park. Jeongguk had been ranting angrily, huffing and puffing and just being dramatic when without a word, Jungho had leaned over and kissed him. It was no more than a peck that lasted two seconds, but it had shut him right up.

"W--why'd you do that?" Jeongguk stuttered out.

Jungho shrugged, smirked knowingly. "Because I can."

"Well...do it again."

He does. It's still short and sweet, but after that they begin to kiss a lot more—innocent and clumsy at first. They're both trying to feel each other out and one time Jeongguk's teeth had bumped against Jungho's lip and he had bled, but they had both just burst out into uncontrollable laughter. He's in love. He's so in love that possible consequences become meaningless. So in love that short and sweet kisses turn into heated make out sessions. Jungho's hand on his thighs, his waist. Palm pressed against the bare skin of his stomach. There's no regret stuck to the roof of his mouth whenever they kiss. It's naive, so incredibly naive of Jeongguk to think that what they have is perfect. To think that what they have will last.

But it doesn't matter because Jungho makes Jeongguk feel drunk, over the moon with happiness. It's stupid, laying underneath the sheets with another boy when he knows that they could get caught, but Jeongguk is delirious. He doesn't think of the consequences. He doesn't think of his bigot father. Just him and Jungho and the way their fingers perfectly intertwine.

On Jeongguk's fifteenth birthday, Jungho asks him if he wants to go all of the way. He doesn't really understand sex or how it works between boys, but he trusts his boyfriend, even if he's a little terrified. He doesn't know if he's ready, but it's Jungho and they've been dating for a while now, so isn't this the next logical step in their relationship?

He's only watched porn a handful of times in his life. He'd tried the straight kind but the softness of girls, nipples hard, pussies wet—Jeongguk had instantly gone soft, and he had been far too afraid of being found out if he watched gay porn. So yeah, his knowledge of how sex works between boys is rather limited. But he's not stupid. He knows the general gist of things. Knows that Jungho's supposed to put his dick up his ass, and Jeongguk is okay with it. Or at least, he thinks he is.

"I want you," Jungho groans in his ear. Jeongguk is sprawled out against the sheets with his boyfriend situated between his legs. He feels something hard pressed against his groin and despite the fact that he loves Jungho, he shifts uncomfortably in an attempt to put some distance between them. It only makes Jungho moan and riles him up further.

"I want you," Jungho repeats, a near growl this time.

Jeongguk swallows because he doesn't know how to respond. So instead he blurts, "I love you." Jungho's hands are searching, moving lower and Jeongguk doesn't know what to do with his own. Grips at his boyfriend's shoulders instead.

"Me too, baby." Jungho moves his hand over Jeongguk's groin and he flinches at the touch. "You're hard. Fuck." He presses his palm down and Jeongguk lets out a little cry. It feels good, it does. Feels fucking fantastic, but he—he—

"I love you," Jeongguk repeats, voice shaky this time. Repeats it in his head over and over again when Jungho begins to unbutton his pants. Sticks his hand right down his underwear without grace. And oh, it feels even better. Skin on skin. But—

Jeongguk doesn't know why he starts to tear up (he knows exactly why). But instead of stopping to ask if he's okay, Jungho takes the glistening in his eyes as a sign of pleasure. Even if underneath him, Jeongguk is too quiet. Even if when he bends down to kiss him, Jeongguk barely kisses back.

He loves Jungho, but he's not ready. He doesn't know anything about sex. He's never explored his body past touching his dick. The two of them have never even talked about it before. Never sat down to discuss how safe sex works between two men. Do they need a condom? Jeongguk's pretty sure that Jungho didn't bring one. But it's not as if he can get pregnant or anything so they won't need one, right?

Jeongguk knows that Jungho has been with girls before, but never another boy. Shouldn't Jeongguk feel special knowing that he's Jungho's first? Shouldn't he feel honored? Instead, he feels icky inside. Is sure that his bones are brittle and will snap any minute now. Trying to create a perfect illusion out of muddy waters because his naive, fifteen year old self doesn't know how to say no yet. He's a dreamer, imagines himself ten years later with Jungho; a nice house with two dogs and a big backyard. Sex is supposed to feel like gold. But Jeongguk feels more like rusty copper and he's just not ready.

Still, Jungho has his hands down his pants. Still, Jungho mouths at his neck desperately, as if they don't have all the time in the world to take things slowly. As if, unlike Jeongguk, he isn't thinking of a house and two dogs. A future together. Later, Jeongguk will come to realize that most teenage boys aren't dreamers in the way he is. Later, Jeongguk will come to realize that boys in high school are more cruel than ever.

For now though, Jeongguk tries his best to trick himself into enjoying what Jungho is doing to him because it's his birthday and he won't let anyone ruin it.

Jeongguk doesn't register his bedroom door opening. Doesn't notice that it's no longer just the two of them until suddenly, Jungho's hands are gone and so is the warmth of his body. It takes a moment for Jeongguk to collect himself before he realizes that his father is standing at the foot of his bed, the back of Jungho's t-shirt curled into his balled fist.

Honestly, Jeongguk's father has never been truly angry at him before. Sure, he rarely had the opportunity to see the man because he was constantly away on business trips, but Jeongguk always tried his best to be a filial son. He got good grades, played basketball even if he hated it, and never really disobeyed his parents. His father was never the most affectionate man, but he always told Jeongguk that he was proud of him. Always beamed at him with pride whenever Jeongguk scored higher than any of his classmates on exams. In fact, he was rather spoiled by his parents.

His father wasn't perfect, but he had never once raised his hand towards Jeongguk. His father wasn't perfect, but he had never once yelled at Jeongguk.

But now, as his father takes in Jeongguk's appearance; hair askew, lips swollen, pants pulled down—he wears an expression that Jeongguk has never seen before. It's a silent, calm rage at first. He turns his attention to Jungho, eyes narrowed.

"Who are you and what the hell are you doing with my son?" He asks the question in such a composed manner that it scares Jeongguk more than the time he had spitefully cursed at their gay neighbors. Scares him so much that his stomach roils. He already knows that what's coming is going to be bad. Already knows that there is no forgiveness for what he's done.

Jungho looks absolutely terrified. Opens and closes his mouth, unable to perform a coherent response. "S-sir—"

But Jeongguk's father silences him with a hard stare. "I don't want to hear it." And then, fingers still tightly clenched around the collar of the young boy's shirt, he begins to drag Jungho out of the room.

It takes Jeongguk's body too long to respond. He stumbles out of bed, trips over his feet in his attempt to zip up his jeans. He hears Jungho pleading, stuttering poor excuses out of his mouth even if his father is blatantly ignoring everything he says. When Jeongguk finally manages get out of his room they're already half-way down the stairs and Jungho is desperately trying to keep himself from falling as his father drags him relentlessly towards the front door.

"Dad!" Jeongguk yells. Hurries down the staircase when his father yanks Jungho forward so that he's in the younger boy's face. The facade falls away then. The rage he directs towards Jungho has Jeongguk stopped in his tracks at the bottom of the staircase. His expression twists into something ugly, something that makes Jeongguk want to run as far away as he can and hide.

His mom comes hurrying out of the kitchen at the commotion, oven mittens still on. Her eyes widen in horror as she takes in the scene before her. "Honey, what are you—"

"I don't know who the fuck you think you are," his father quite literally spits, practically starts to slowly choke Jungho. "But stay away from my son you—you little faggot." And then before Jungho can respond his father is yanking open the door and throwing him out before slamming it shut. The force of it makes the walls shake and Jeongguk is sure that he can feel it deep in his bones.

It's quiet for a long moment after that. So quiet that Jeongguk starts to suffocate on regret. His father stands in front of the door, fists clenched at his sides and his mom looks to Jeongguk, sees the hickies on his neck and when she finally gets it, she presses her lips together. Looks anywhere but at Jeongguk.

"How could you," his father starts. Turns to his mom and takes a deep breath as if he's trying to control himself. "How could you let someone like that into our house?"

"I didn't know," his mom refutes. She speaks quietly, as if she's the one who has something to be ashamed of. "They became friends because they had to work on a school project together, but I never thought that they were..."

Jeongguk looks down at his bare feet and wiggles his toes. Wishes that he could shrink into nothingness and disappear. All he did was fall in love with a boy but it feels as if he's committed some awful crime. Heavy eyes, heavy chest, heavy mouth. He feels like there are maggots crawling inside of him.

When his father turns towards him and Jeongguk dares to look up, he looks so repulsed. "You—" he seems baffled, eyes wide and searching. Looks Jeongguk up and down and then makes a face like he's about to gag. "I can't believe you."

"Dad," Jeongguk pleads. "Daddy, please don't be mad. I know you said that it's wrong, but—"

"God says that it's wrong, Jeongguk," his father corrects him. "The bible says that a man shall not lay with another man, and yet you went against God's word like that?" his father begins to get louder and louder. Face red and eyes turning near bloodshot.

"Why is it so wrong?" Jeongguk's tone starts to rise as he begins to get all worked up, heart beating against his ribcage because why are the things that he likes always so bad? It's not the appropriate moment, but for some reason he's reminded of Taehyung and how pretty he was. He's reminded of how much he wanted to hold Taehyung's hand and call him cute but it was all bad, bad, bad.

"I love him, dad. How can love be a sin?"

What happens after that plays out like a movie. When Jeongguk recounts this moment years later there are always pieces missing. Like someone had cut out the really bad parts and hid them away. When his father lashes out, it's not Jeongguk that goes flying to the ground. When his father hits him for the very first time, it's not Jeongguk's blood that's start gushing from his nose, but the unfortunate main character of some tragic movie.

His mom screams. So does his father who towers over him, perspiration beading at his forehead. "Love?" he laughs, but it sounds hysteric and there's a glint in his eyes that isn't exactly sane. "I've done everything for you! Me and your mother have done our best to raise you right so how—how did this happen?" he runs his hands frantically through his hair. "Where did we go wrong?"

"D-dad." Jeongguk's vision begins to blur with tears. "I'm sorry."

His father shakes his head. Exhales angrily. "Don't call me that," he growls. "No son of mine is a homo. You're just—" his upper lip curls up into a sneer. "Just an abomination."

He grabs Jeongguk by the hair. Tugs at his scalp and pulls him up. Jeongguk lets out a cry as he feels it tear. The next blow comes as backhand against his cheek. The wedding ring his father wears slices his cheek right open and he has little time to prepare himself. No time to beg for mercy before a kick to the stomach sends him sprawling back to the floor. His head hits the ground with a sickening thud and Jeongguk sees black spots.

"Disgusting," his father jeers.

A blow to his ribs has him yelling out in pain.

"Disgusting."

A stomp to his hand. His thumb is bent unnaturally.

"Absolutely disgusting."

Jeongguk thinks that maybe, in the end, it was better to hurt Taehyung than to fall in love with him if loving boys comes to this. His mom screams, begs his father to stop. The pain makes him dizzy. He can do nothing but stare at his father's shoes as his mom throws himself at him and begs for mercy but he simply pushes her off and Jeongguk sees her legs stumble back.

His father's shoes are always too shiny. He likes things perfect. Immaculate. Clean. But Jeongguk has maggots in him. He's never tasted cum before but he's sure that it'd taste like dirt. Like sin. But he's into those kinds of things like spoilt milk anyways because he's disgusting. Absolutely disgusting.

His father pulls his foot back and Jeongguk notices a speck of blood. It's shiny and clean until it's not. Things are perfect until they're not. Then he swings it forward and when the front of his father's shoe smashes into his face, Jeongguk's world goes black.

It all goes dark and when he wakes he's laying on the kitchen floor, head on his mom's lap as she cradles his face. Rocks back and forth and cries, and cries. Jeongguk is in agony. It hurts too much, but he's not sure if it's worse on the inside or out. All he knows is that he's never seen his mom like this and it's his fault. It's all his fault. He made them this way.

It hurts. It hurts.

"'m sorry," he manages to slur out. His bottom lip is split and he can't see out of his right eye. "S-so sorry."

She doesn't say anything. Just cries harder and holds him tighter. But Jeongguk is already slipping and from this moment, nothing can hold him together anymore. Not pretty boys with pretty smiles or the cute girls he'll pretend to fancy. From this moment, his father no longer looks at him anymore. It's like, he's finally able to see what's really underneath Jeongguk and it makes him want to vomit. He becomes cruel. No longer calls Jeongguk by his name. No longer calls him son.

His father makes him read the bible everyday. Makes him recite Leviticus over and over again, late into the night. Sometimes until the wee hours of the morning. When he feels like Jeongguk isn't taking God seriously enough, he throws him into the closet and locks him in that dark, cramped space all day.

"Daddy no!" Jeongguk slams his fists against the closet door until they bleed. He cries and screams and pleads to be let out because it's dark, and scary, and he hates it. He hates it so much. "Let me out, I'm scared!"

"What does the bible say?" his father asks calmly, voice muffled.

"I-I won't m-mess up again. Please let me out."

"Leviticus, chapter eighteen, verse twenty two. What does it say?"

Jeongguk's sobs shake him all the way down to his fingertips. It's here, in this closet that he becomes well acquainted with panic attacks. "Y-you shall not lie with a male as with a woman; it is an a-abomination." He hates saying it, the words are acid on his tongue but this is what happens when he doesn't listen. This is where he ends up again.

"Is that all?"

"If a m-man lies with a male as with a w-woman, both of them have committed an abomination; they shall surely be put to d-death; their blood is upon them."

He feels like he's dying. In this tiny, cramped space, Jeongguk feels as if he'll take up all the oxygen and suffocate. He regrets kissing boys. After his father had found out, so had the rest of the school. Jungho never spoke another word to him and acted as if he never existed, and instead of being the awkward kid that no one really talked to, he became a target for shitty kids to pick on. It became middle school all over again. When he's not being shoved against lockers at school, he's being tormented at home and Jeongguk just wants it to stop. He just wants it all to go away and he's so fucking pathetic.

The door opens so suddenly that Jeongguk falls out. He's still crying. Shaking all over and struggling to breathe because even if he's out, it doesn't feel like it. There's some oppressive force weighing down upon him and he's so sure that he's about to pee himself again. But the last time he did that his father hadn't taken too kindly to it and had given him another black eye.

His father looks down at him, the top of his head, expression devoid of any emotion as he hums his approval. "Now that wasn't so hard, was it?"

Jeongguk closes his eyes and just lays there. When his father walks away he still doesn't move. Lets the tears run sideways down his face. Lets himself shake and sob as he curls in on himself. He wishes that he hadn't been born like this. He wishes that things were still perfect. It's not until his mom comes home and gently helps him up and into bed that Jeongguk's able to breathe again.

She cries. She always does these days. She never mentions boys or his father. Never mentions the cuts and bruises. Just repeats a mantra of apology after apology.

"I'm sorry I'm not strong enough, Jeongguk. I'm so sorry."

"It's okay," Jeongguk always says. Soothingly strokes her hair the way she does on the days he's beaten a little too black and blue. "Everything will be okay, mom."

But none of this is. None of this ever will be. Isn't it funny that running with a pair of scissors in his mouth eventually cut his tongue? All he ever wanted was a happiness that didn't taste like blood. Sometimes, before he closes his eyes to sleep, Jeongguk wishes that he could dream forever and never wake up. But lately, his dreams have turned to nightmares and it becomes inescapable, this pain. It becomes his only friend.