"Hey Yoongi?" Taehyung starts carefully, lying on his stomach on Jin's living room floor, kicking his legs gently back and forth and putting on his most innocent eyes. "Would you-"

"No."

"You don't even know what I was going to say."

"You were going to ask me to hook you up with Jimin."

Taehyung's eyes widen incrementally before he manages to control his expression. "No."

"You put 'ask Yoongi for the hook-up' on your Google calendar, which I DO NOT know why you shared with me, by the way," he replies evenly. "And my answer is no."

"What?? Why??" Taehyung whines, pushing himself to his knees and dragging himself across the carpet to where Yoongi is seated. He grabs a hold of his legs.

Yoongi makes a displeased noise and tries to pry Taehyung's desperate, clinging fingers from the fabric of his pants. "Ew, what is this orange shit on your hands, did you like bathe in Cheetos?"

"Cheese balls are my stress food, Yoongi, literally doctor's orders. Which is why you need to work with me on this. I'm dying over here. Come on, I'll do anything, pleaaaase?"

"No."

"Look I am recently 85% straight, meaning that I would probably let you suck my toe as you jerk off or something, in exchange for his Instagram handle."

"Jin, come collect him!" Yoongi shouts, straining to get away, reaching with all his might for something on the side table, grunting in effort. Taehyung grabs his reaching hand with pleading eyes.

"No! Shh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. No need to bring Jin into this. I'm chill."

"You are the opposite of chill. And get off of me, you are seriously covered in cheese dust."

Taehyung's eyes brighten suddenly, and he drags his disgusting cheese-covered hands up to press them against Yoongi's face. Yoongi flails making a disgusted noise as Taehyung rubs his grimy orange fingers all over his skin. "Just his Instagram, Yoongi. Just his Instagram and this can all be over."

"Never!" Yoongi struggles, arms reaching again towards the end table.

"Yoooooongiiiiiii!"

He only shuts up when he feels a jarring, cold wetness hit his face, screwing his eyes up to protect them and releasing Yoongi's pants so that he can shield himself. When peeks his eyelids open after a moment of silence, he sees Yoongi holding one of Jin's spray bottles that he uses for cleaning, looking uncharacteristically uncertain, still leaning away, gauging Taehyung's reaction.

"Did you just spray me in the face like a fucking dog? With a potentially dangerous chemical?"

Yoongi shrugs. "It worked."

Taehyung gawks at him before lunging again. He is stopped mid-lunge with another icy blast of liquid, and he goes tumbling dramatically back onto the floor. "MOTHERFUCK- wait is that vodka."

"It's a natural disinfectant," Jin huffs snootily as they walk to the club. "Excuse me if I don't want to be surrounded by harsh chemicals in my home. And you're welcome by the way, otherwise you would have gotten a face full of poison."

"Yeah, because of YOUR boyfriend," Taehyung protests.

"He's not my boyfriend," Jin sighs. "And he thought the bottle was filled with water."

"I call bullshit on both accounts. He's got it in for me. And Jin, you cook dinner for him literally every night."

"Because I'm a menu consultant, dumbass. I've gotta try my recipes out on someone. I mean, if you think about it, he's actually doing me a favor, trying out my new dishes."

Taehyung actually stops walking so that he can direct all of his energy into the scathing glare that he shoots at Jin. "Oh yeah, is your dad's chicken soup on the menu? Conveniently the exact week ickle Yoongkins caught the flu?"

"I just want you to know that if I had the spray bottle now, you'd have a face full of vodka."

"Is this why you like cleaning so much?" Taehyung asks, jogging slightly to keep up with Jin's pace. "One spritz for the table, one for you? How functional-alcoholic-in-the-burbs of you. Where did you even learn about it?"

Jin shows amazing restraint as always, utterly unfazed. "Your mother, actually. Explains how she got through your childhood. And you know what, I wish I'd taken a few more hits before I left the house. I don't even know why we're here."

"I dunno," Taehyung pretends, scuffing his shoes against the sidewalk as they make their way down the street. "I was just in the mood to go out."

"Oh yeah? And there's no particular reason why we're at this specific bar?" They come to a stop outside of the same bar from last week, with its dull green backlit glass.

"They had some really great beer."

"You had a Bud Light. Which you could also purchase at even the most back-woods run-down Alabama gas station from a man whose mother is also his cousin."

"Okay, fuck off, you know why we're here."

"I do," Jin confirms. "I just don't know why I'm indulging you."

"I just, I need to see him again. Just. Come on," he grumbles, tugging Jin towards the entrance.

"Taaaaae," Jin whines as he reluctantly allows himself to be dragged. "We honestly don't even know if he's going to be here. Yoongi said he didn't tell you a thing."

"I, uh. We do know, actually," Taehyung says lightly and with a suspiciously casual tone, but the overwhelming guilt still permeates. "That he's going to be here. He's performing tonight."

"Tae..."

"Look the less you know about it, the better. You spend too much time with Yoongi, and you're a terrible liar."

"Tae..."

Taehyung clicks his tongue in annoyance. "You know, you really need to stop trying to make me Lawful Good, Jin, I am not Lawful Good. NOW," Taehyung says over his shoulder, voice rising as they step into the pulsing club. "We're already here so let's just make the best of it. Keep your eyes peeled."

"You're going to get me in trouble."

"Stop talking like he's your nagging husband. In fact, you've known me longer and have seen my dick more recently. If anything, I'm your husband."

Jin cringes at an apparent memory. "You have to start wearing pants to sleep."

"That's a personal decision."

"Not when you're crashing on my couch, it's not."

It's a little less densely packed than it was last week, and the space between bodies makes Taehyung feel more exposed, especially as he takes in some of the looks that he and Jin are drawing from his fellow bar goers. They arrived earlier than they did last time, too, which might have something to do with the sparser crowd, but Taehyung wanted to make absolute sure that he didn't miss the show.

Yoongi's group chat had said that Jimin would be one of several queens performing at 11.

Taehyung bounces anxiously, pressed right up against the stage. Jin rejoins him, drinks in hand, and joins him at the stage's edge. "So are you about to blow all of your cash on this?" Jin asks him casually.

"What? Cash? Why?" Taehyung asks, an edge of panic to his voice.

"Yeah cash... to like... tip the queens? I figured you were probably about to blow your whole paycheck trying to impress Jimin."

Taehyung swears that he is being sucked headfirst into a black hole as the blood drains from his face at an alarming rate. He clutches onto Jin. "Fuck. Oh fuck," he despairs, fumbling to dig frantically through his wallet. "I didn't even know. I... shit... do you think he takes... Visa?"

"Yeah, I'll bet he's got a card reader right in his asscrack," Jin deadpans.

"I know you're fucking with me right now, but I'm your friend and I am telling you very honestly that you should patent that idea. This is a paperless age," Taehyung tells him very seriously before returning to his frantic wallet search. "Fuuuck, he's going to think I'm a cheap bastard."

"You are a cheap bastard."

"Yeah, but I don't need him to know that yet!" Taehyung whines, shutting his wallet despondently. "I need to him to fall for me before I slowly and inevitably disappoint him!"

Jin groans slightly before pulling out a wad of cash from his pocket and halving it, shoving the bills into Taehyung's hand. "Here."

"Jin, what would I do without you?" Taehyung asks, counting the money, then reaching over to pluck the remaining bills from Jin's hand as well. Jin makes an annoyed sound but doesn't move to snatch the money back.

"Not much, probably. You would have died naked and dangling from your own half-collapsed ceiling back in 2012."

Taehyung blinks at him blankly. "You always have to bring that up."

Jin looks a little smug as he turns back to the stage where the lights have just come up, and the crowd around them erupts into a low cheer. Taehyung's grip tightens around the bills in his hand as he gazes up at the stage.

In any other situation, Taehyung would be enjoying the show immensely. The visuals are stunning, the music is fantastic, and the crowd is responsive and electric. But he's nervous. He watches with rapt attention, watching for the shine of dark hair or the very specific curve of a rear. But each time it's not Jimin, he tunes out immediately, utterly wrapped up in his own ludicrous hypotheticals.

But no matter how much he tries to prepare himself, he is completely unprepared when the M.C. clears her throat and says in a loud, clear voice, "Now are you all ready for the littlest big thing this side of the Mississippi?" The crowd responds the loudest it's been yet, and it's clear that they all know exactly what's coming. "You already know who it is. Give it up for, Minnie Magnum!" The M.C. yells as she retreats from the stage.

Taehyung would take a moment to marvel at the sheer feat of engineering that is Jimin's outfit if his jaw was not currently hanging slack and his mind could construct an honest-to-god thought. But as it is, he's left gaping dumbly at the improbably tight baby-pink latex and mesh clinging to almost every inch of Jimin's body. Almost every inch, because, as Taehyung learns as Jimin does a spin, the leg portion of the catsuit is connected to the upper part by only one thin vertical strap on the front, a pink plastic buckle, leaving a thick strip of pretty, exposed skin that runs from the bottom of Jimin's asscheeks several inches down along his thigh.

"Did you just whimper?" Jin asks, elbowing him hard.

"Did I?" Taehyung asks distractedly, but it snaps him out of his daze enough that he has the presence of mind to start worrying again.

The crowd is rapt as Britney Spears' Toxic begins to blare from the speakers, and Taehyung is abruptly parched, his tongue dry and thick in his mouth, his heartbeat clumsy and clunking in his ears. It's a remix of the song clearly, slower, hotter, definitely deadlier, and when Jimin suddenly slut drops to the ground, the ensuing sultry glance that he throws over his shoulder feels like it actually burns.

"Um, hey, Jin," Taehyung whispers, very close to panicking as he grips the bills in his suddenly very sweaty hand. He hasn't been paying attention like he should have this entire show. "How do I give him the money? Like where do I put it?"

"Uh, wherever he lets you, I guess."

"Wherever he-" Taehyung balks. "JIN I'M NOT READY."

"Well you'd better get ready," he says, prying Taehyung's now-clinging hands off of his arm, and sure enough, Taehyung can see bills being waved from the crowd already.

He tries to formulate a plan of attack, he really does, but when his eyes find the stage again, he is immediately distracted. The way Jimin moves is deadly hot, powerful but fluid, giving the impression of both immaculate control and absolute unrestrained sensuality. Taehyung doesn't even realize he's leaning so far forward until he almost literally falls. It snaps him briefly out of his trance, and he looks around him to see several other guys looking a hell of a lot like he feels. Desperate hands reach out, begging him to take their money, but Jimin acts like he hasn't seen them, forcing them to toss the bills onto the stage at his feet. They seem to feed off of the cold treatment, becoming more and more desperate, throwing more and more cash.

And so Taehyung is both thrilled and terrified when Jimin's eyes pass over him and then do a double-take, lingering just a moment longer than they have on anybody else so far tonight, a small smirk on his lips as he continues. And suddenly there's a smug confidence to his grin, like he knows something that nobody else does.

The lights stutter, and the song grinds to an abrupt halt, and Jimin flings his body almost violently to the floor. And when the music cranks back up again, it's half-time, the blasting bass shivering through the room, throbbing and thick and sensual. Jimin is lost in the music, writhing gorgeously against the floor then flipping over to his stomach so that he can crawl, literally crawl across the stage, back arched, ass up, eyes directly fixed on Taehyung.

It's the hottest, most terrifying moment of his life, as Jimin prowls towards him, coming to a stop a mere few feet away. Jimin flips his long, black hair, head rotating in a slow circle, long neck exposed as he runs his hand up his own body, coming to a rest around the column of his throat.

The music slows, the intensity gradually fading, and Jimin pivots smoothly on his knees, turns his back to Taehyung and then bends his upper body back and back and back, his head lying flat against the floor and looking up at Taehyung through his eyelashes, chest heaving, sculpted black hair sprawled out over edge of the stage.

There's about one second of silence between the end of the song and the absolute roar of the crowd, and Taehyung is jarred by the sudden din. Jimin, however, just smiles coyly and like a string is pulling his body up, slowly lifts himself into a kneeling position and to his feet.

And then the world stops as Jimin pauses at the front of the stage, his back to the crowd. He cocks a hip. He leans forward, and he pushes his ass back, running a finger under the bodysuit to lift the fabric right where it settles above the curve of his asscheek.

He looks at Taehyung expectantly.

Who stares blankly at the heavenly ass in front of him for a solid 5 seconds before Jin elbows him harshly and grabs Taehyung's cash-bearing fist to push it towards Jimin. His hand hovers there for another moment before he catches on and tucks the bills snugly underneath the fabric. His fingers brush warm skin on the return, and he feels his face flush with an incredible heat.

Jimin smiles delightedly before straightening up and sauntering off stage, and Taehyung is left staring and numb.

"Are you okay?" Jin asks, amusement evident in his voice.

"I..." He starts, but he doesn't bother to finish. Words wouldn't help anyway. Words don't mean anything anymore.

He doesn't even realize that time has passed until the next performer, the last of the night, is already being announced, and he's a little jarred once more as the cheers rival even Jimin's.

"Please welcome to the stage, Sunny Dee Lite!"

"Holy shit," Jin mutters beside Taehyung, eyes trained on the stage as he turns the rest of his body so that he can elbow him once more. "Hey asshole, did you spend all my cash?"

"Huh?" Taehyung grunts, snapping his head up to look at Jin. "Uh, no. I just... gave him everything."

"THAT WAS $150," Jin exclaims, shoving him slightly. Luckily, he is soon distracted again by the figure on stage. "Fuck, dude. Look at her."

Taehyung swivels his head up to the stage now, taking in the slim, elegant lines and graceful stance of the queen in question. Where Jimin is curved, Sunny is sharp. She's all delicate angles and willowy limbs and sharp, piercing eyes. And from here, with the stage lights beaming down on her, she glows, all luminous golden skin and light. Silvery ash blonde hair cascades gently over one shoulder, and tiny clustered pieces of gold glitter reflect the light ethereally around her eyes. Her floor-length dress is the palest blue and completely sheer, and delicate pastel petals of various shades placed strategically to cover enough to make the sheerness decent. Stunning, Taehyung will admit, staggering even, but he's a little too shaken to appreciate it fully.

"Uh, yeah. She's... yeah," Taehyung vaguely agrees, then quickly follows up with, "Hey, I'll be at the bar."

He turns without waiting for a response, weaving carefully through the crowd until he makes it to the bar and orders himself a beer. He plops down onto a stool and takes a grateful sip when the bartender slides it his way, then he runs his hands through his hair with a thoughtful exhale.

Jimin is hot. Confirmed.

Jimin is a dude. Confirmed.

Jimin has a dick. Also confirmed.

Taehyung is aroused by the idea of Jimin's hot dude dick. Super confirmed.

"Hey hot stuff," a sweet raspy voice says into his ear, and Taehyung startles so hard that he spills a good quarter of his beer. Jimin appears on the bar stool beside him, still fully done up, shining pink latex still straining at the seams.

"Fuck," Taehyung breathes, trying to recover as he clutches his chest as he averts his eyes.

"Sorry," Jimin says delightedly, not sounding remotely sorry. "How did you like the show?"

Taehyung takes a deep breath, raising his eyebrows as his mind flashes back to a flushed, writhing Jimin. "It was... good."

"Good?" Jimin asks with obvious offense.

"Um, really good?" Taehyung amends quickly, "Like so good I think forgot every adjective except for 'good.'"

Jimin looks mollified as he smoothes his outfit, the fabric straining even more dangerously across his thighs as he crosses his legs. "Good. I'm glad you liked it. That last little bit was improvised, you know. The floorwork."

His ears perk up at that. "Oh?"

"Yeah. Sometimes you've just got to read your audience and adjust. Felt like that move would be a real crowd pleaser," Jimin says, leaning forward into Taehyung's space and grabbing his gaze with a sultry look. "What do you think? Was the crowd pleased?"

"Absofucking-" Taehyung starts to assure him a hair too quickly. He realizes this, clears his throat, shakes his bangs out of his face, and finishes coolly, "-probably."

Jimin laughs delightedly, throwing back his head. Taehyung can only smile goofily in response as he scratches the back of his head.

"So did Jin and Yoongi drag you along again?" Jimin asks, motioning to the bartender to bring him a drink. The guys behind him are whispering excitedly to each other as they nod in Jimin's direction.

"Uh. No. Not really. Just... you know, good beer," he claims for the second time that night, shifting his hand to try and cover up the label of his Bud Light. Jimin's lips are pursed in an amused little line, eyes still sparkling.

"Right... right. I hear they let the Bud Light sit in the hot sun for a few hours as soon as it gets off the truck. Gives it that certain something special."

"Yeah I heard about that, like... secondary fermentation," Taehyung speculates wildly as he takes another swig. He cringes as the beer hits his tongue, because he's sure he can actually taste it now.

"House specialty," Jimin agrees too sweetly. "One of a kind. Guess you'll have to come back whenever you're craving it.

Taehyung smiles sheepishly. "Guess I will."

"If you want to come back next time I have a show, maybe I'll buy you one. I usually announce when I'm performing on Instagram."

Taehyung swallows a yelp of victory as he whips out his phone without consideration for an appropriate pause. "Oh cool, what's your Instagram?"

"It's just minnie_magnum. Branding and all, you know."

His fingers fly, searching for a moment before he locates the page. "Got it. I'll uh... I'll check it out sometime.

Jimin beams. "Great! You should definitely come back. And not just because you tip obscenely."

Taehyung burns at the memory. "Right." He weighs another thought in his mind then adds, "Thanks, by the way. For... that."

Jimin stares at him blankly, obviously trying to figure out what Taehyung is thanking him for. Taehyung can tell when it clicks, though, when Minnie breaks out into a blinding grin, and he wants to crawl under the bar and die. "You are very welcome. For allowing you to give me money." He looks at Taehyung fondly for a moment before hopping of the stool. "Well I've got to go wash this shit off, but I just wanted to say hi. Hopefully I see you again soon?"

"Definitely," Taehyung confirms emphatically, phone slipping slightly in his now-sweaty grip. "Soon."

With a delicate little wave, Jimin turns and retreats into the crowd, and Taehyung has clicked the 'follow' button before the back of his head has even disappeared.

"Why are you at my house?"

"Because social media stalking seems less creepy when you're not doing it alone. Seems more like... casual perusal, you know? Group googling. Which, come to think of it, sounds like something nasty that you and Yoongi would do."

"Speaking of Yoongi, he's coming over in half an hour," Jin tells him with a disapproving look at his computer.

"I can leave when he gets here. You know... if you two want some privacy." He waggles his eyebrows, forcing a casually suggestive tone.

"I told you, we're just friends." But Jin is pink-cheeked again, his head tucked as he nervously straightens the magazines on the coffee table.

"Yeah I very much look forward to watching you two slowly come to the realization that literally everyone else around you has already had," Taehyung says, eyes trained on his screen. "Wait, who the hell is this asshole?" Taehyung asks, pointing to a figure in one of the pictures on Jimin's Instagram. "He's in a ton of Jimin's pictures. Do you think they're dating?"

"Fuck if I know."

"I hate him. He's hot. Is he hotter than me?" He turns the screen to face Jin and points out the fit silver haired guy in several of the photos.

"I'd say you're both hard nines."

"Fuck you, I'm a ten."

"No, I'm a ten," Jin clarifies. "You're a nine, but like in a different way than that guy is. Different vibes, both hot." He purses his lips and adds, "But definitely not as hot as me."

Taehyung huffs and continues to scroll. "Whatever. Dude, Jimin has a ton of followers. Like, a ton. I think he's like insta-famous."

"I mean his drag is pretty impeccable. He's got an aesthetic for sure, like.... cotton candy dominatrix. And charisma out the ass. Did you see how many people were waiting for him offstage last night?"

Taehyung considers for a moment as he continues to scroll through Jimin's photos. "Do you think Jimin is too hot and famous for me?"

Jin raises his eyebrows in consideration. "Maybe."

"You are the worst! You're supposed to say no."

Jin just shrugs. "Maybe he's not as hot out of drag," Jin offers in half-assed consolation.

"Yoongi said he's extremely hot out of drag, remember?" He groans, zooming in so far on a picture of Jimin's butt that it's unrecognizable as a butt. "I'm doomed."

Jin considers him for a moment. "So is this like one of your passing infatuations or are you actually serious about this?"

Taehyung chews his lip. "I dunno. He's pretty and nice and funny. We clicked. I've never clicked like that before. I'm just... exploring my options."

Jin nods slowly. "Okay."

"Hey, I can try and look up that other queen, if you want," Taehyung says with fresh determination. "The really pretty one? What was her name, Sunny or something?"

Jin shifts uncomfortably at that. "No that's okay. I already asked Yoongi. They know each other."

"And?" Taehyung prompts him, "You gonna smash that?"

"She's actually his ex. Well, not ex really, but... you know," Jin reveals as he folds his hands primly in front of him, an obvious sign of his discomfort.

"Whaaaat," Taehyung gapes, fingers freezing above the keyboard. "Are you serious bro? The one Jimin was talking about?"

"Uh, yeah. Strictly off limits. Which totally sucks because she's just... wow. Yoongi actually made that amazing dress, you know. Apparently, he used to help with her costumes."

"Sucks, man," Taehyung confirms. "I think she's in some of these pics, actually. If you change your mind, I could probably give you the hook-up once me and Jimin are married."

"Gee, thanks," Jin says flatly. "But I don't want to make things weird with Yoongi."

"Whatev," Taehyung says, turning back to the screen and clicking on another photo of Jimin. "Dude this boob contour is amazing. Do you think mine would look like this if I did it?"

"Not even a little."

"Fuck you, I'm gonna try it," Taehyung ignores him. "Do you have makeup?"

Jin looks a little offended, turning up his nose. "Why the hell would I have makeup? Look at this face."

Taehyung hums and taps his chin thoughtfully. "What about cocoa powder and cornstarch? You've got to have that, right?"

Jin eyes him fearfully. "Why?"

"I told you I wanted double d's," Taehyung whines.

"I'm working with what I've got," Jin huffs as he smudges at the cocoa powder mix on Taehyung chest. "It's not my fucking fault that you have the pecs of an adolescent chimp. Which, by the way, is one of the many reasons you're a fucking nine! Wow you smell so good though."

"Do you like, get aroused by the scent of food?"

"So what if I do?"

"Are you gonna try and boink me in the kitchen aga- OW, careful with the nips, jackoff!"

When the front door clicks shut to his left, Taehyung cranes his head painfully to watch as Yoongi snaps a picture with a resigned sigh. "And, sent."

The blood drains from Taehyung's face as he slaps Jin's hands away from his chest. "To... whom."

"My group chat."

Taehyung gapes at him, his stomach dropping several miles below sea level. "Why???"

Yoongi swaggers up to him, clapping him on the shoulder and causing a fine dust of baking products rises in a small cloud from his body. "What, I though you wanted to be a part of the group chat? Why else would you have hacked into my fucking phone?"

"Why would I what?" Taehyung laughs uneasily, covering his nipples, which seem to have hardened from fear.

Yoongi scrolls through his phone for a moment before clearing his throat and reading from the small screen, "'Wow, Jimin, isn't that Kim Taehyung guy so hot?' 'Jimin I know we're good friends and all but this is so weird, I forgot, do you have a boyfriend?' 'Hey Jimin what moisturizer do you use and what does your face smell like?' Really?"

"Oh, Tae, you did not," Jin groans as he dusts his hands off on his apron, and Taehyung relaxes his arms and folds his hands in his lap in mild shame.

"He did," Yoongi assures him, passing Jin his phone. "Which is how I assume you found out about his drag show. But thanks to that picture, we're getting on our way to being even. Ah," he says, looking pleased and taking his phone back from Jin as it vibrates. He looks at the incoming message, then quickly snaps another picture of Taehyung, this time from straight-on.

"What the fuck!" Taehyung exclaims, hands flying up to cover his chest again.

"Jimin wanted a front view." After a moment, Yoongi's phone vibrates again, and he cringes as he reads the message. "Ew, I give up."

"What did he say?" Taehyung asks curiously.

Yoongi scoffs. "If you think I'm telling you, then you are seriously-"

Jin cranes around his shoulder to peek at the screen, cutting him off. "He said you have cute nipples."

"Is this going to become a regular thing now? Me tagging along on your dates?" Taehyung groans as he traipses behind Yoongi and Jin. "Am I the only thing keeping you two from like ravishing each other behind that dumpster right now?"

"The only reason that I have not forcefully crammed this bagel in his mouth is because he's your friend," Yoongi growls to Jin, glaring back at him.

"I've been on a no carb thing for the last week, fyi," Taehyung adds, eyeing the bagel hungrily. "You don't wanna get close to my face with a bread product unless you want to risk losing your entire hand."

"This is not a date," Jin tells him, somehow managing to keep from rolling his eyes. "And I'm bringing you along as a favor to you."

"Really? Where are we going?"

"We're going to The Queen," Jin says with a wink. Yoongi hunches his shoulders, tucking his hands into his pockets and bracing himself against some nonexistent wind. He looks clearly displeased.

Taehyung is abruptly several feet behind them as they continue to walk and he doesn't. "What? Why didn't you tell me?"

"Why didn't you ask where we were fucking going?" Yoongi asks skeptically. "Do you just agree to do things without any clue what you're doing?"

"Generally, yes!" Taehyung despairs. "I trust my friends!"

"I thought you wanted to see Jimin again," Jin says, eyebrows furrowed.

"I did! I do! I just like... I bought a special sweater for the occasion, but instead now he's gonna see me in my dad's sweats and my trashcan sandals!"

"You bought a sweater?" Jin asks incredulously.

"You have trashcan sandals?" Yoongi adds with a disgusted curl of his lip, glancing down at Taehyung's feet.

"I saved these kickass sandals from a tragically premature end, you consumer whores. And the sweater seemed suitably gay."

"Sweaters cannot be inherently gay."

Taehyung chuckles knowingly. "Tell me that again when you see this sweater."

"You know you don't have to try so hard, right? You know the gay part is your actual attraction to a man?" Jin offers soullessly, as if he is aware that his words are going to make very little impact.

"Oh that reminds me," Taehyung continues, tripping lightly over his sandals. "Can I come to brunch now?"

"You were never not invited to brunch because you were straight," Jin replies, sounding tired.

"Allegedly straight," Taehyung corrects him. "And what the fuck, then why was I not invited?"

"So many other reasons. Remember when you got drunk and tried that stripper trick with byob champagne in the middle of all-you-can eat pancakes?"

"Is that why I'm banned from IHOP?"

"Yes. Wait I thought you didn't remember any of that."

"I saw the security footage."

"How you doing percentage-wise anyway?" Jin inquires.

"After browsing his Instagram I'm down to a solid 75%. I mean, I saw actual bulge and it did absolutely nothing to quell my raging boner. In fact it did the opposite."

"I really should have known you'd find his Instagram with or without me," Yoongi seethes quietly, before craning his head to look at the buildings. "And will you at least try not to pop a raging boner in front of my friends?" Yoongi pleads as they come to a stop in front of a cheerful looking coffee shop. The sign out front reads Queen Bean: Haus of Coffee. "This is gonna be hard enough without adding your dick to the equation."

"No promises. She's been very hard to control lately." He pats his crotch fondly.

"Stop touching your dick, my friends are looking," Yoongi hisses at him, and sure enough, there is a small crowd gathered inside the coffee shop peering out the window. Taehyung retracts his hand from his dick immediately, but it becomes clear after a second that nobody inside the shop is staring at him. Yoongi shifts under their collective gaze, and Jin shoves him forward gently.

"You got this," Jin murmurs reassuringly into Yoongi's ear. "Remember they love you and want you back."

The crowd disperses subtly as they approach, and by the time they step foot in the shop, everyone has managed to look very casual.

A tall drag queen with a black asymmetrical bob rises from her chair at the bar to greet them, wearing a white crop top, metallic platform oxfords, and what looks to be a black utilikilt.

"Hey asswipe," the queen greets Yoongi slightly and with a shy wave.

"Hey dickwad," Yoongi returns with uncharacteristic shyness.

"Is uh... is everything okay?"

"Yeah, everything's fine, Joon... I just... you know... missed... coffee."

Watching Yoongi struggle to express his feelings is strangely gratifying. Namjoon exhales an amused chuckle. "Coffee missed you too, Yoongi."

Yoongi rolls his eyes, his cheeks coloring traitorously. "Wow fuck off. Joon, this is Jin and Taehyung."

"Ah," Namjoon says smugly, "Of course. Yoongi's new husband, and his husband's husband, Sweetnips."

"I object to literally every part of that sentence," Jin says with a grimace.

"Come on," Yoongi grunts as he ignores Namjoon and steers them over to a table in the corner, where a young guy sits, sucking on a lollipop, staring blankly at his tablet, which is pulled up to the google search page. He's obviously trying very hard to not look up at Yoongi.

"Get out of my spot, runt," Yoongi says without an ounce of edge to his voice. The guy finally smiles up at him, lips curling around his lollipop.

"No way, you snooze you lose. I'm the resident brooder now."

"Kook if you don't get your flat little ass up I'm telling Joon-"

"Telling me what?" Namjoon shouts from across the shop.

"Nothing!" The kid scrambles immediately out of the seat, panic in his eyes as he glares at Yoongi. "You're lucky that I both love you and am terrified of you."

"And Machiavelli said you couldn't have both." Yoongi reaches up to ruffle his hair before sliding into the booth. Jin follows, immediately leaning in to whisper to Yoongi, who shakes his head and looks down at the table.

Taehyung, however, remains standing, his eyes scanning the room for a glimpse of shining black hair, ears straining for a whisper of a tinkling giggle. Looking back at Yoongi and Jin and finding them already in deep, hushed conversation, he turns to stroll over to the bar instead, where a small beanie-clad figure is in the process of frothing some milk.

"Hey, excuse me," Taehyung calls just as soon as the guy is finished. He looks up at Taehyung inquisitively, then his eyes crinkle up in amusement. He sets down the cup in his hand and swaggers over to the bar. He looks familiar, and his stomach turns in displeasure. Or something.

It's the hot guy from Jimin's Instagram.

"Well hello there." The guy is leaning forward on the bar with an assured kind of confidence, very much in Taehyung's space. Taehyung licks his lips nervously, leaning away slightly. How dare this guy talk to him like he knows him.

"Uh. Hi. Do you know if there's someone here named Jimin? Or, Minnie, I guess?"

The guy's face cracks into a stunning smile, and Taehyung can't help but smile with him. Damn him. "I dunno. Describe them to me."

Taehyung scratches his chin. "Uh, well. I guess he would be about your height? Long black hair. Tiny, pretty hands. An ass that would have at least like 200,000 followers on Instagram. And he's like... really beautiful. Like too beautiful. Like if aliens came down to earth in human disguise and they based that disguise on the composite combination of all ideal human features but they got it too perfect, like totally unrealistic... that kind of beautiful."

The guy throws his head back in delighted laughter, and hey, that rings a vague bell.

"Well? Anything?" Taehyung prompts him impatiently.

"It's me."

"What's you?"

"I'm Jimin."

Taehyung considers him seriously for a second. "Sounds fake."

"I'm dead serious," he insists, looking extremely amused.

Taehyung chews his lip, his eyes running up and down the guy's small form. "Prove it."

"How? You want my goddamn I.D.?"

Taehyung pauses to consider. "Just... turn around?"

The guy sighs and hikes up his shirt in the back, turning around to reveal one magnificently plump ass, and everything clicks.

"Jimin!" Taehyung shouts joyfully. "It really is you."

"It really is," Jimin confirms, turning back around and smoothing his shirt.

"Wow! I literally hated you because I thought you were dating you, but it was really just you all along. Wild, dude, fuckin' wild."

Jimin is still smiling but his expression is blank. "Huh?"

"Nothing. Anyway, sorry I didn't recognize you."

"Don't worry, you're not the first person to not recognize me out of drag."

"Yeah, I don't mean this in a bad way because like... you're still extremely hot, but you look way different. Jin says a hard nine, like me."

"Fuck him, we're tens."

"Right?" Taehyung agrees enthusiastically. "But wow, how do you manage to be a hot guy and a hot girl?"

"Well first of all, my hotness transcends silly mortal concepts like gender. But also, the magic of makeup," Jimin says with sparkling eyes. "And I happen to be a master magician. You should let me paint you sometime."

"Really?" Taehyung asks, stomach turning in vague excitement at the prospect.

"Oh yeah," Jimin says, voice gone a little growly as he reaches forward to grasp Taehyung's chin gently, turning his head to view every angle. "You'd be a goddamn work of art."

"Wow, Jimin seducing a straight boy, imagine that," a loud voice comes from his left as someone emerges from the back room, and Taehyung instantly recognizes the pretty queen from the other night.

"Fuck off," Jimin spits, straightening up and glaring at the newcomer.

Taehyung's eyes, however, are on Yoongi, who is rigid and red faced in the corner. "Hope."

She's obviously only partially finished getting ready, wearing casual sweatpants and a headband pushing back her long hair, but her makeup is already perfectly applied. She seems to register the voice then, her name, and those sharp eyes find the corner where Yoongi is sitting. Her shoulders tighten.

"Yoongi," she breathes, voice raspy and low and half laughing in disbelief as she adjusts her headband.

"Hi."

"I'm uh... I'm going to refill the keg for tonight. Give me a hand, Kook?" Namjoon asks stiffly. Jungkook nods eagerly and trails speedily after him.

Jin looks at Yoongi like they're communicating through their gaze, and Yoongi gives him a little nod. "I've got... to make a call," Jin excuses himself quietly, slipping past an anxious looking Hoseok.

Jimin shifts awkwardly behind the counter before turning to Taehyung. "I'm going to go get ready for tonight. You wanna join, hot stuff?"

"Yes, please," Taehyung confirms quickly, glad for an escape from the abruptly smothering tension.

Jimin emerges from behind the counter and leads Taehyung into the back room of the shop. Behind them they hear a faint, forced laugh and then, "You fucker."

Taehyung walks faster, following Jimin down a dimly lit hall and step through a door on the right. It looks to be a small dressing room, and there is makeup scattered haphazardly on one of the vanities.

"Hope never cleans up her shit," Jimin pouts, settling down in front of the empty vanity and pulling out his own makeup kit.

"Is Hope 'she' out of drag, too?" Taehyung asks, settling down

"Sometimes," Jimins says with a more tender look then. "She started doing drag, and then drag became day drag, then day drag became everyday wear. Sometimes he dresses down though, does this whole hot fratboy thing, and let me tell you he's just as hot." He looks back down at the vanity. "Still a fucking slob though. But you can use whatever pronouns you feel like using. Clothing's usually a good indicator, but Hope's super chill about it."

"Cool. That's cool," Taehyung says, filing away that information. "Do you have like, a show or something tonight?" he asks then, settling himself down on a small couch.

"Nah, I'm just working the bar. We start serving wine and beer at 5, and I make significantly better tips in drag." He slides a headband back over his bangs and looks at Taehyung through the mirror. "You don't have to stay or anything, I just wanted to give you an out."

Taehyung rests his chin on the arm of the couch, looking attentively at Jimin as he starts to lay out all of his tools. "I want to stay. If that's okay."

Jimin pauses mid-movement and glances over at him. "You really want to?"

Taehyung nods shyly.

"It takes a long time," Jimin warns as he pulls out a massive black makeup kit.

"I've got no place to be."

"Okay."

It's a bit like watching art happen. Taehyung isn't always sure he understands exactly what it is that Jimin's trying to accomplish- when he takes a gluestick to his eyebrows for instance- but he finds it fascinating to watch things take shape, to watch Jimin's face transform into the one he met in that bar.

When it comes time for Jimin to masterfully line his eyes, Taehyung can't help but get a closer look. He rises from the couch and leans close to Jimin, who concentrates very carefully on the mirror in front of him.

"Honey, you're cute, but if you bump me and fuck up this perfect wing tip, I will honest to God cut off your balls," Jimin says evenly, barely moving his mouth as he focuses intently.

"Sorry," Taehyung says, taking half a step back. "You're just kind of amazing at this."

Jimin laughs a little. "I should be. It's my job. Well, kind of."

"Makeup?"

"Yeah, used to be for skinny white girls on runways and at shoots, but I've been doing my own thing lately, which is cool. Like tutorial videos."

"What, like on youtube?" Taeyung asks curiously, instantly more alert as his creep mode kicks in. Another mental note to check.

"I dabble," Jimin says dismissively. "But sometimes I do miss working on shows and shit. That's how I met Yoongi," Jimin continues. "He's an assistant designer for one of the fashion houses I was doing makeup for at a show. We got into it because he said my girl looked like a mall goth. Almost clocked him. We've been friends ever since."

"I think he hates me," Taehyung confesses, a small shiver running up his spine as he remembers the steel in Yoongi's gaze.

"He's just... defensive. Especially of his friends. And honestly, it's been worse since this whole Hope thing happened. I think he's feeling some massive guilt."

Taehyung hesitates, because he knows it's not his business. "What happened with them?"

Jimin shrugs, carefully picking up a false eyelash with a pair of tweezers. "They're best friends. Hope was madly in love with him. Yoongi knew. They fucked anyway. Yoongi freaked out and just stopped coming by. We didn't see him for months."

"That's rough. How's Hope doing?"

"She was actually pretty okay with the whole hookup thing. I think she's always convinced herself that they would only ever be friends, I mean Yoongi's never really been into the whole romance thing. I don't think I've ever seen him in a relationship or even heard him talk about one. So I think Hope had planned to just go back to how things were before. But then Yoongi left, and... Well it sucked for all of us, but Hope felt responsible, you know? Even though she didn't do shit."

"That sucks."

"Yeah."

They're silent for a little while as Jimin applies his other false eyelash and then blends them into his own lashes with mascara.

"I hope they can work it out," Taehyung says quietly.

"Those dumb bastards love each other too much not to," Jimin says with a gentle smile.

Taehyung fiddles with one of Jimin's makeup brushes. "Anyway if Yoongi doesn't start hanging out with you guys again, how am I supposed to find an excuse to just casually be here all the time?

Jimin shoots him a warm smile, his eyes crinkling perfectly, and Taehyung feels warm sunshine erupt in his chest. "You could just come by without him."

"Can I?" he asks uncertainly.

"Of course," Jimin confirms sweetly, cocking his head as he stares at Taehyung. "Give me your phone. I'll give you my number."

Taehyung is still for a moment before he's scrambling to dig his phone out of his back pocket. He unlocks it and hands it to Jimin without a second thought.

Jimin takes a look at the screen and stifles a laugh. Taehyung peeks over and sees the last thing he had pulled up on his phone, a cute selfie where he's wearing The Sweater.

"That sweater is super gay, sweetie," Jimin chuckles, closing out of the picture and switching over to his contacts.

Taehyung slaps his knee in righteous validation. "I know!"

Jimin quickly enters his information and hands back the phone. "Anyway I'm almost finished," he says, appraising his face on the mirror. "You might want to leave for the next part."

Taehyung cocks his head. "Why?"

"Because I need to tuck."

Taehyung scoffs. "I think I can handle that."

Jimin's eyes narrow in suspicion. "No offense, but I don't think you're ready."

"What's the big deal? It's like what, two inches of skin max?'

"What do you MEAN two inches?" Jimin demands in mild outrage. "Is that supposed to be a size jab?"

"What does size have to do with anything?" Taehyung asks, throwing up his hands in frustration.

Jimin bites his lip, considering Taehyung carefully. "What the fuck do you think we are talking about right now?"

Taehyung squints at him, turning up his chin. "What do YOU think we're talking about?"

"You first. What exactly do you think I'm tucking?"

"I..." Taehyung suddenly feels very certain that his answer is completely wrong. "Your... shirt?"

Jimin's relaxes instantly into laughter. He bends forward, physically moved by the force of his own guffawing. Taehyung crosses his arms and huffs.

"What were you talking about?" he pouts as Jimin continues to laugh.

"My dick," he manages to squeak out before he is silenced briefly by another powerful wave of chuckles. "I have to tuck my dick."

Taehyung's eyebrows disappear beneath his fringe. "Oh. Shit. Oh fuck, right," he scrambles out of his seat, tripping over his bag and steadying himself on the arm of the couch. "Duh. Of course. You have to... tuck your dick, which is definitely something I should leave for, since you'll be you know... Tucking your dick... into... Actually, hey, where do you- NOPE not my business, never mind, your dick is not my business and I am not thinking about your dick." He backs away, stumbling over his feet again. Jimin is laughing so hard that it looks painful. "Good luck with your.... thing. And I do just want to confirm that I am not thinking about your dick. Except now I'm thinking about the fact that I'm not thinking about it, which is making me think about it a little bit, WOW I'm sorry, I'm just going to leave you to it, okay? Let me know if you need any h- Nope bye." He spins around abruptly, walking straight into the doorframe with a resounding thud. He laughs once, forced and painful. "I deserved that. Bye."

His instinct is to flee the building, to just grab Jin and run, but he's not sure if the Very Serious Conversation that was taking place- he checks his phone- one hour and forty-five minutes ago is still taking place. He tiptoes down the hall and peeks around the corner, only to see Jin, Yoongi, and Hope all laughing cheerfully together in the corner. Taehyung straightens up, stepping out from behind the doorframe and cautiously making his way over to them.

There's a bottle of wine on the table, which Hope gently grabs to refill Jin's glass. The world outside is more saturated than it was when they had arrived, the sun throwing its final rays onto the top of a building across the street.

"Hey," he says, trying to look less flustered than his insides feel. "Everything uh.... Everything good?"

Hope laughs lightly at that, throwing his arms around both Jin and Yoongi. "Never better."

"Oh," Taehyung says lightly, but he can't cover the surprise in his voice. "That was... fast."

"Life is far too short and Yoongi is far too cute to hold grudges," Hope trills happily, pinching Yoongi's cheek. And rather than smack him away, Yoongi just smiles shyly and looks down.

"Weird," Taehyung says aloud before he can even consider shutting up.

"Speaking of weird," Hope says conversationally, taking another swig of wine from her glass and pushing herself to her feet, taking a few swaggering steps towards him. The contrast between her delicately made-up face and her plain clothes is striking. "Jin tells me you're straight."

"Oh. Uh. Kinda. I mean, recently some outside factors have caused me to reconsider. There's a percentage system."

"Percentage?" Hope questions, quirking a brow. "How does that even work?"

"Percentages work with everything," Taehyung insists. "For instance, Jin's rocking a 30% chub because Yoongi's touching his arm," Taehyung adds with a satisfied smile. Yoongi's eyes widen as he jerks his arm away from Jin, hiding it under the table.

Hope's eyes follow the movement, and then she's jerking her gaze back to Taehyung. "Jimin's right. You're cute."

Either Taehyung's heart has just exploded inside of his chest or he's having some very sudden, very intense gas pains. "He... said that? And not just about my nipples?"

"Hope, do not encourage this," Yoongi groans, slumping back into his seat a little.

Hope turns around and pouts out her bottom lip. "What? I like him."

"Now, when he said 'cute,'" Taehyung continues undeterred, "Did he seem like he meant it in like, 'wow what a cute kitty' kind of way or like a 'wow I wanna fuck him' kind of way?"

She considers for a moment. "Both?"

"Oh." Taehyung's eyebrows furrow in confusion. "Okay, so he's like... into cats?"

"I knew it," Jin says distastefully, pushing away his wine glass like it repulses him. "I knew you were a fucking furry. I'm telling your mom. I'm texting her right now. Expect a call shortly."