It was not long after the others came back and announced that they were leaving that Hoseok decided to get up and leave the building. He wanted to shower but had spent the entire morning lying on the backseat. Moving required energy and he didn't have that these days. No, Hoseok knew that he was at the end of his rope now and that he was too tangled up to get free at this point. Going back to Seoul might just help him but he doubted it. Going back meant at least another three days on the road and that was too long for him. But right now he wasn't thinking about Seoul, or what would happen when they finally got back. He was just thinking about what happened next in terms of seconds rather than hours.

Hoseok didn't have his diary anymore. Shortly after it had been brought to light it had vanished and he hadn't found it since. He didn't know if it had been thrown away or if he had simply misplaced it. He had been in a rather terrible daze after the fight and he found that he couldn't really remember anything. Maybe he had thrown it away? It could have happened, he just didn't recall. Throwing away the bad shit? That was good he supposed but there were positive things in the diary too; things that he shouldn't have thrown away. After all it had likely been one of the others that had done it. Had they found Taehyung's notebook too? Had they checked that and read what he had read a few days ago? Probably not, but it would have been good if they had.

They would have seen just how fucked up the pair of them were.

Hoseok hadn't really been paying attention to anything but rather just standing under the stream of water. So when he heard the low scraping sound of the partition door being slid open he twisted to look over his shoulder and see Taehyung standing there.

"Hey, are you alright?" Hoseok asked as he watched Taehyung undressing. His lover nodded rather than reply, wrenching his tee off over his head as he did. It was a lie and they both knew it. "I'm not OK," he muttered as he turned back to stare at the wall in front of him. After a minute or so he felt Taehyung stepping into the cubicle and then heard the glass sliding shut again. Then his arms were snaking around his waist and Hoseok felt the familiar weight of his chin settling on his shoulder.

"Yoongi shouldn't have done that shit," Taehyung said, arms tightening around him as he did so that he could press his chest against his back.

"No he shouldn't have but I should have told you all. Maybe that's what I deserve for always fucking lying." Hoseok leaned back against him and sighed. "All this time I just had to say...no, no I'm not fine. I'm not fine but I kept lying and why?"

"'Cos your brain keeps making you," Taehyung replied, turning his face slightly as he did. Hoseok felt his breath on his skin, ruffling his damp hair. "Kinda like mine, always trying to get us both in trouble."

"Hmm," Hoseok closed his eyes and Taehyung pressed his lips against the jut of his clavicle under his skin. "Compulsive liars. That's us."

"It's hard to tell the truth," his lover said, lips brushing across his skin and breath as warm as the shower water. "When you've spent your whole life lying."

"Tae?" Hoseok turned his head to look at him, to study his profile. "How do you feel about going back to Seoul?"

"Truthfully, I think I would rather die than go back to Seoul," Taehyung said in the most softest voice. Hoseok saw the way his eyes shifted to watch the shower stream, the way they almost seemed to go distant and empty.

"Tae, don't say something like that," Hoseok said after what felt like an eternity of silence. He watched Taehyung raking his damp hair back off his brow with his one hand. His lover's fingers tangled in the short lengths. "You're scaring me."

"But it's true," Taehyung explained. "I'd rather be dead. There are two things right now that'd kill me: going back to Seoul and losing you." Hoseok might have had the shower water hitting his skin but he felt cold rather than warm. Freezing cold in fact.

"You don't know that it's going to be bad Tae. You don't know that, so you shouldn't assume," he replied. "You shouldn't think shit like that. It could be good."

"The only good thing I've got right now is here. Here. Taean County: the home, the beach, everything here. I don't have that in Seoul. That's why I know."

Hoseok kept playing his words over in his head as he got dressed. As he shrugged his tee on over his head and felt beads water running down the back of his neck, as he knotted the laces of his boots. Taehyung had that yellow tee on again, the one that still wasn't stain-free. It looked fine from a distance but up close there were still little marks. Tiny little blood droplets like specks of paint. He couldn't stop thinking about it all to the point in which it was like having a record playing on loop in his head. " I think I would rather die... "

Well, that made two of them.

Yet Taehyung showed nothing to the others, was back to that same smile that was obviously fake. Was back to playing pretend. It was like the alcoholism all over again; a game of falseness. Just like the alcoholism however they were all aware of it. Hoseok knew that his friends knew about Taehyung. They knew about the rapes after he had revealed it during the fight with Yoongi, and they were more or less aware of the full extent of his fragile mental state. But not wholly. No, even Hoseok knew that he didn't know the true depths of that. All he did know was that Taehyung was going to ensure, one way or another, that he didn't get back to Seoul. A trip to the beach might have sounded like fun but it meant very little now. It looked like a desperate attempt at healing the emotional and physical wounds and it was. It was a childish impulse, the thoughts that some bonding could fix what had happened and make it all come together again. They would watch the meteor shower together, smile and take photographs and for the duration it would feel "normal" and they could pretend that it was. But deep down they knew that it wasn't. Deep down they all knew that this could be the last time that they spent together as a family. Regardless of what Seokjin had said about them sticking together it was true, and Taehyung knew this too.

To Hoseok, this trip to the beach was like the final wishes of a terminally ill patient. One last bit of fun before the plug was pulled and the line went flat.

"If we don't hurry we could be late!" Jungkook called from the back, clearly excited about the trip more than he was. It was only natural, Jungkook was clinging onto them all desperately at this point. If he didn't keep up the smiles and the attempts at jokes it would rapidly become clear how vast the rifts between them all had gotten.

"There's plenty of time," Namjoon argued as he added another bag onto the flatbed. All the bags were going there now, now that they wouldn't be coming back to this building. No, as soon as the morning broke they were hitting the roads and leaving Taean County, therefore everything was going into the back. "Not gonna hit until the night Kookie."

"Yeah but Seokjin said that there might be people there, so we gotta find a spot," Jungkook retorted as he grabbed the bag and pulled it to the very back window out of the way.

"I doubt it kid," Yoongi muttered around his cigarette. "It's been empty every time we've been close to the beach. Seems there are more popular beaches here."

"Kookie's just excited 'cos Seokjin mentioned food," Jimin called from inside the building. He emerged a moment later with a backpack shrugged up on one arm and a holdall in hand. At this remark Jungkook let out a laugh and then he was catching the tossed holdall to add it to the flatbed.

When they were all ready; Namjoon in the front with Seokjin, Yoongi and Jimin in the backseat, Taehyung and Jungkook in the flatbed with him; the car pulled away from the building. Hoseok watched it get smaller and smaller on the road, back against the low wall and knees drawn-up in front of him. It didn't really register that this was the last time that he would look at it. It felt like he would see it again in a few hours, because the fact they were leaving just hadn't hit him at all. There was jokes to be had in the back, Jungkook and Taehyung messing around. The boy didn't seem to see through the façade, hand going to Taehyung's to play with his fingers as he talked to him. Did he not see it or was Jungkook just ignoring him and seeing what he wanted to? Perhaps everyone else wouldn't see through it either but not when their gazes met. No, Hoseok saw through it and knew the truth. Taehyung would rather die than leave Taean County and the rest didn't know this. Taehyung would die without him too, just like he had scrawled in his diary. Well, Hoseok thought that he would save him the trouble of worrying about ever leaving; gaze shifting to look at the stacks of bags in the flatbed with them.

The car drove across Taean County, stopping only once so that Seokjin and Yoongi could go into a fast food joint and order food. From that point they were heading in the direction of the beach. The sun hadn't set yet but it had started to get low on the sky, and by the time Seokjin was killing the engine on the sands the sky had started to take on a soft orange glow on the horizon. The edges of the few clouds had also turned rather pink. Like Jungkook had mentioned there were some people on the beach but as soon as the day started to turn into evening they all started to clear off. Clearly very few people had an interest in the shower, or like Yoongi had proposed there was a nicer stretch of beach than this. Either way it meant that they were left in peace and they didn't need to worry about disturbing anyone. They had a wonderful habit of doing that.

Over the dwindling afternoon hours there was not much to do but eat and talk, take in the sights of the slow ebb of the tide and the disappearing sun. Hoseok didn't really want to do any of these things but rather just stay in the flatbed. He didn't want to play pretend right now, didn't want to force a smile. No, he was too tired to do that and so he just stayed in the flatbed and didn't even try. He refused food and instead just listened to his friends talking; listened to the sound of several of them splashing around in the tide. Presumably Jungkook, Jimin and Seokjin judging from the laughs and voices.

Hoseok didn't want to do this anymore. The pretending and the lying. He just wanted to close his eyes and wake up again without all of it but he couldn't. He had been trying for near two weeks now to just wake up but he was trapped. There was no escape from his depression when it was an essential part of him; when every time he thought that the cycle might just break it carried on repeating. This was not last year's struggle without the pills and uncertainty about the future. It wasn't the winter slump he had broken free from eventually. No, it was something so much stronger than that. It was all of those things in one and he just couldn't stop thinking.

"Hoseok?"

Hoseok lifted head so that he was no longer staring at the sky to see Taehyung peering at him from over the side of the flatbed. He had his arms folded up on the side and he was looking at him with something that could have been concern. Hoseok studied his face and then glanced back at the sky to see that it had gotten dark. The orange had now turned into shades of deep plums and it was starting to turn into night. He must have drifted off into his thoughts for quite some time. From the front of the car he could hear the radio playing at a rather low volume for once.

"Are you OK?"

"No," he replied as he rubbed at his eyes. "We talked about this earlier Tae, I'm not OK." Taehyung thought this over for a moment and he waited for him to ask if he wanted to talk about it. But he didn't.

"Are you thinking of killing yourself?" Taehyung asked in a soft voice, so soft in fact that he had to mostly watch his lips to see what he said. Hoseok could have lied to him. It wasn't hard to do so. But at this point he really didn't care.

"Yes Tae, I'm thinking of killing myself."

"How?"

Hoseok had not expected this question and he stared at his lover in dumb confusion. He had expected so many other questions and yet Taehyung had asked the single one that he had not. He was looking at him with a very hard to read expression.

"I don't know," he lied. He managed to keep still and maintain a poker face as he did. "I've just been thinking about it, that's all."

"Hoseok, if you kill yourself then I'll kill myself too," Taehyung said, and yet despite his words it didn't sound like a threat. He was struck by how it almost sounded like promise, or perhaps a deal. And with that he shifted to lower himself from the side of the car and walk away. Hoseok stared at the spot that he had been occupying and then turned to watch him go. Taehyung wandered off down the beach in the direction of the water, so he shifted to climb out the back. Hoseok's legs protested, having not been used in hours, and he rubbed at his lower back with a grimace as he turned to follow after him.

"When's it supposed to happen?" Namjoon asked, looking up at the sky in anticipation. He was seated on the hood of the car, leaned back on his wrists.

"10pm apparently," Yoongi replied from the backseat, leaned out with his elbows folded on his knees and a cigarette between his lips. Namjoon checked his watch and announced that it was exactly 9:50, and this made Jungkook shifted to climb out of the passenger-seat.

"Hang on hang on, we gotta film this when it happens." The boy reached up and grabbed hold of the side of the flatbed, wriggling so that he could get into the back. There was various thumping sounds and then the rustling of him searching inside a bag. He pulled the camcorder free and flipped the window open so that he could turn it on. Then he handed it over so Seokjin and continued searching through the bags. Out came the Polaroid camera too and he kept hold of that. Clearly he had plans to use that.

Hoseok stood beside Taehyung and he hunkered down to touch the slight lick of water that ebbed up to their boots. The tide was still out but it would start to come in soon enough and it would stretch far enough touch the tires of the car. The water was freezing cold against his fingers and from behind them came the sound of their friends talking and the Polaroid shutter snapping shut.

"Tae," he turned his head to look at him. "Do you want to die too?"

"...Maybe," Taehyung replied as he shifted to collect a chunk of driftwood. He hunkered down beside him and fiddled with the stick, testing the balance in his hand. It seemed like forever since they had play fenced in the forest and the thought was enough to make Hoseok feel cold.

"Why?" But Taehyung didn't reply to this. "If I killed myself tonight, what would you do?"

"Die."

"Metaphorically or literally?" Also no reply. Taehyung was drawing things in the sand with the stick as if they weren't talking about something like this. Jungkook jogged over to snap a photograph of him. Just another shot to go with the others that he had shoved into his bomber jacket pocket. Hoseok watch him go and then looked back at his friend. "Tae, are you mad at me?"

"No," he replied instantly. "I'd never get mad at you Hoseok." No "lover boy" now, it showed that he was being serious. "I just...I don't wanna go back." To Seoul of course, just like he had told him earlier. "But it's gonna happen. Everyone wants to go back home. So I should let 'em, it's only fair that they can go back but I don't wanna."

"You want to stay here forever, don't you?" Taehyung looked at him for a moment and then shifted his gaze to look at the water. After some study his head turned so that he could look at the lighthouse.

"Yeah...yeah I do."

"Ah, I think I just saw something!" Jimin called out in surprise and they all looked up at the sky to see a single streak of light start blazing across the sky.

"Is that it?" Jungkook asked in a rather flat tone. "I was expecting a little- whoa!"

On the tail of this solitary burst light came a sudden scattering of meteors; all of them shooting across the sky. Hoseok didn't count but there looked to be a dozen or so. It was enough to have their friends crying out in surprise and then racing from the car to stop right at the edge of the water. Hoseok felt fingers scrabbling to grab his and it was Taehyung, so he unrolled his fist so he could take hold. Taehyung grabbed his hand like it was a lifeline, so tight in fact that it hurt. On his other side Jungkook snagged his wrist and so he pulled his arm free and instead let the boy hold his hand. Hoseok spared a quick glance down from the sky to look over his friends and he found that they were all standing in a line; heads turned up to track each one of the streaks. Wide eyes, barely even blinking, lips pouted in wonder or mouths wide open; all staring at this sight in awe. Hoseok had never seen a meteor shower before. He was to find that Perseid consisted of what must have been a hundred streaks of lights over the sky, not all at once but rather spaced out in groupings. They blazed across the sky in white and left trains of bluish fire in their wake that lingered in the blackness. It was strange watching them just dance across the sky and then disappear out of their periphery, knowing that somewhere else across the world would see them again. It was like Namjoon pointing out the constellations to them except this time they didn't need to know names. They just needed to watch the sight in silence. It was better than any firework display could have ever been.

After maybe twenty solid minutes of watching it became clear that the shower would continue for awhile. This made most of them start to lose interest but not Hoseok. He shifted to sit in the hood of the car instead and watched it with a great interest. He wanted to see as many of the meteors as he could. Not too far from the car Jimin was trying to build a campfire, which Jungkook was helping him with; the boy singing under his breath as he did. It was hard to doing so with damp driftwood but with a generous splash of gasoline he managed to get it going. Taehyung wandered up and down the edge of the shore almost restlessly and yet it seemed like he himself didn't know why he was doing it. He had the stick in hand and eventually settled for hunkering down and scraping something into the sand. Hoseok shifted off the hood of the car to check what it was and he saw three words carved into the ground.

Please don't die.

It was not long after this that Hoseok found himself lying in the flatbed again. He was tired but couldn't seem to sleep. None of them asked him if he was alright. They had probably gotten tired of asking by now, knowing that he would lie to them anyway. All of them except Taehyung, and Taehyung had shown very little reaction to his words about suicide. Had his lover also gotten used to it all, the vague threats over the last year that always amounted to nothing; the stretches of pretty good, happy days that suddenly soured and ruined everything? He was once again struck by the thought that Taehyung was the one that was sick of him. Maybe killing himself would actually be a good thing? Maybe killing himself would actually rid Taehyung of all of his heavy negativity and help him start healing?

But Taehyung said that he couldn't live without him. That meant something, even if he didn't truly know what.

Eventually the stars started coming out though they were lost under the occasional shooting meteors that had yet to pass. It signaled true nightfall and at this point his friends started settling down to sleep. After all, they were planning on leaving in the morning. Yet even when he heard the sound of the car doors softly slamming shut and felt the car shifting as bodies climbed onto the flatbed, Hoseok still could find no peace. Even with Namjoon lying to one side and Taehyung curled up on the flooring on the other and the warmth of their bodies could do nothing. All he could do was stare up at the sky and wait for either sleep to finally take over him, and plunge him into blissful black unconsciousness. Or wait until he finally snapped. He didn't know how long it was until all he could hear was the soft breathing of his friends and the sea lapping against the sand but it seemed like forever.

Hoseok shifted to sit upright and sure enough it seemed that all of his friends were asleep. There was no sign of movement coming from inside of the car or the flatbed. Namjoon and Taehyung were both curled up in sleeping positions; the former on his back with his legs tucked up because he was too tall to fit on the flatbed and the latter in the usual position that he had gotten used to seeing every morning when he woke up. Taehyung had his back curved and had his body been lying close enough he would have been wrapped around him. But because he wasn't Taehyung had unconsciously brought his legs up to near his chest and his hand was by his mouth. He didn't have his thumb in his mouth exactly because his lips had slackened in his sleep so it was just placed on his lower lip instead.

Hoseok reached over to brush his hand through his hair and Taehyung didn't even stir in his sleep. That was a good sign. So he moved forward to grab one of the holdall bags and gently pulled it close. It was not his bag of course, but Yoongi's. If for some reason he got caught he could lie about grabbing the wrong one by accident. They were practically the same colour after all, it was a genuine mistake to make in the dark. But he hadn't made a mistake, he had grabbed it on purpose.

The outer compartments were of no interest to him. He found a box of matches and a phone charger tightly coiled up. He checked them all just to be sure and then he pulled the zipper and opened the bag to check inside. He rifled through the folded layers of clothing, detecting the scent of cigarettes and detergent from them as he did. Even his clean clothing smelled of cigarettes, it was amusing in a strange way. Hoseok's fingers felt around and after a moment they brushed against an inner compartment, one with a zip. He paused and let his breath out slowly before pulling the zip along and reaching inside. That was where he found what he was looking for.

Hoseok pulled the sleeping pill bottle free and he lifted it up to study. In the dark he couldn't read the label or anything, just study the bottle instead. The weight and shape was so terribly familiar to his hand. Just like Taehyung and the feeling of a bottle, just like Yoongi and his cigarettes. It was a hideous familiarity but also a comforting one.

There were two outcomes from this. He would swallow them all and he wouldn't die, because there wasn't enough or the dosage strength was too weak. Or he would die. Those were the two outcomes and he supposed that it was a fifty-fifty game of odds. What would Namjoon have done in the past, with such odds he wondered? Hoseok turned his head to look at him. His friend was still asleep soundly and had no gambling advice to give.

Hoseok slowly dragged himself along the flatbed so that he could get off of it. The soles of his boots thumped down on the damp sand and he glanced back over his shoulder at the car. No one stirred at the sound of him climbing down. So he moved his eyes along to look at the lighthouse. Wouldn't that be fitting? Wouldn't the irony be so perfect that he would die up there after everything? All this time it had been Taehyung. Taehyung joking about jumping to his death; haunting his dreams every single night. The lighthouse just seemed to be the right place. He couldn't do it here, not in the presence of his friends. But the lighthouse...

Hoseok started walking across the beach in the direction of the bluffs at a moderate pace. The current wind coming in from the sea was cold and he felt himself shivering. He shoved the bottle into his jeans pocket and instead folded his arms over his chest as he walked the distance to get to the bluffs. It took him perhaps a minute to reach and go around them and then he was faced with the great sloping hill. Hoseok ran his eyes over the jutting rocks and he studied it before deciding that it was now or never. He would have to climb the hill to get to the lighthouse and standing at the bottom wasn't going to change this fact.

The climb wasn't exactly a challenge considering that he had gotten up the hillock just a few days ago. But in the dark it was decidedly more tricky to get up and he had to be careful to not slip or skin his palms on the sharp rocks. Hoseok just kept his gaze down on his boots and he went up at a moderate pace rather than a rush. When he reached the top he spared a glance over his shoulder he saw nothing amiss. Just the faint marks of his boot prints in the sandy soil. So Hoseok once again descended the other side of the hillock, making sure to not slip on the loose earth. When he reached the bottom there was no way of seeing his friends. The towering stone bluffs hid them from his view. All he could see was the fang-like protrusions that came out of the sand and stretched out into the waters. Hoseok took in the sight for a few seconds and then he turned back to look at the lighthouse.

It was like his nightmare all over again and he couldn't help but bite down on his lower lip as he eyed the structure. That gaping entrance at the end of the wooden boardwalk, the length of stone that stretched up to the black sky overhead. Hoseok didn't really register the fact that he was walking forward until his boots were stepping into the wooden boardwalk instead of the sand. It felt like he was in a daze, like he was being dragged over to the building without his own volition, like he was a slave to some unconscious urge in the back of his mind that goaded him on. Left, right, left, right, his boots came down on the boardwalk until he was slowing down right in front of the entrance. Hoseok glanced inside and saw darkness and even though it was enough to produces shiver down his spine he still stepped inside.

Just a few days ago he had refused to enter because the lighthouse looked creepy...yet here he was once more. Entering on his own as if this was a dare. And he was scared, was almost terrified in fact, but still that urge kept telling him to go across the ground-floor and up the stairs. It told him to walk all of the way up to the top because that was where he should go. He knew now that Taehyung wouldn't be there, waiting so that he could drag him over the side to their deaths in the freezing cold water. No, what was up there was a peaceful and comforting death instead.

No falling, no fear.

Hoseok ascended the spiral stairs with one hand on the banister. He needed to use it to keep him steady because his legs were wobbling. If worse came to worse he would have to crawl up them but he didn't want to do that. He wanted to maintain some dignity at least. It seemed to take forever for him to get to the top and when he did he stepped onto the canopy and let his breath out. He hadn't even been aware of the fact that he had been holding it. Hoseok took several steps to get to the railing and he reached out and grabbed hold as he stared out across the waves.

This was what Taehyung had wanted to see. This was what he had dragged them all down to Taean County to see. The sea, the endless sea and the sky that almost seemed to be one and the same. This was the beauty that he had wanted to replace his old memories with. Yet he was going fuck it all up on him. Well, Hoseok supposed that they had all made some pretty shitty memories since reaching here anyway.

His suicide was hardly going to ruin the happy vacation.

Hoseok reached down to stick his hand into his jeans pocket. He pulled the pill bottle free without looking, eyes still tracking the burning trains of the meteors all over the sky. He popped the lid up and tipped the bottle and the first couple of pills landed on his palm. The weight of them was so horribly familiar that he felt his stomach clench. The only sound that he could hear was the howling wind and the rattling bottle, as loud as thunder to his ears. If there was any chance of him giving up and stopping himself it was now. He could just hold his arm over the side and tip his palm so that the pills spilled free and dropped down. Down through the air and into the sea rather than down his throat and into his stomach. Then be could toss the bottle too and watch it fly through the air until it was out of sight. He wouldn't even hear it hit the water under the soft roar of the waves.

But he didn't do that.

Hoseok moved back across the canopy so that he was standing in front of the old busted bulb. Then he lowered himself down to sit on the floor, cross-legged with his back against the podium. He spared a final look out across the waters and the dropped his gaze to his hand.

The pills were uncoated like the aspirin he had once tried to swallow but this time he wasn't going to stop himself. No, when he brought his palm to his lips and he tossed them back into his mouth it didn't matter that they stuck to his tongue. He forced himself to swallow. They left a bitter and foul taste on his tongue and he closed his eyes as he ran his tongue around his mouth a few times. The pills seemed to drag down his throat like he had swallowed rocks instead but they went down. After a few seconds of running his tongue around his mouth it helped produce saliva and he dropped his eyes to the bottle. Still quite a few left.

Hoseok tipped another palmful out and he once again studied them. They were hateful little things, disgusting little tablets. They had ruined his life once and now they would ruin it again. Life was a never ending cycle and he had come back to this. At least this time he hopefully wouldn't wake up after everything went black.

Hoseok tossed the pills into his mouth and found that it was a lot easier swallowing the second time around. He was already tipping the remainders into his palm even as he swallowed, ready to chase them down with the last. By the time he had registered that he could hear something pounding down in the lighthouse below him he already had the pills in his mouth and was about to swallow.

Taehyung hadn't been asleep. Not exactly. No, he had been drifting in his thoughts because he had been getting close to unconsciousness from a mixture of his heavy limbs and his tired mind. So when he had heard a shifting sound from the flatbed beside him he hadn't bothered opening his eyes at all. It could have been either of his two friends getting up because they needed to relieve themselves. Yet after a few seconds of silence and no softly thumping sounds to let him know that one of them had jumped off the back he had felt the urge to open his eyes and check what it was. Opening them had been pretty hard to do so, seen as his lids had felt like they had been weighed down with clumps of wet sand. But when he had he had seen Hoseok sitting upright beside him. Had his lover been restless and unable to sleep? Had he wanted to talk after everything that they had spoken about today? Yet after a moment Hoseok had reached over to play with his hair. He had pretended to be asleep and had assumed nothing of it, that his lover would settle down once more after just checking up on him.

But he hadn't done that.

No, Hoseok had instead moved to grab something and the sound of material softly brushing against the metallic flooring had filled his ears. Even with his eyes closed Taehyung had heard him rooting around through compartments before he had ran the zipper and checked inside. Taehyung had opened his eyes to the sight of Hoseok studying the bottle of his pills and after a few seconds his lover was shifting to get off the flatbed. This was what had been playing at the back of his mind for several days now. This exact fear. Hoseok finding the pills after everything and deciding to take them. Not because he wanted to sleep but because he wanted to overdose. Hoseok was finally going to do the one thing that he had been thinking about for a year now and yet...here he was lying in the back and not even trying to stop him.

Taehyung listened to the sound of Hoseok's footsteps on the sand and he tried to figure out what it was exactly that had him rooted to the spot, silent and still. Was it fear? Was he so scared by the thought of what was happening that he had frozen up? Was it the strange idea that he might just be dreaming rather than awake? Taehyung pinched his thigh hard and yet he appeared to be very much awake. So why was he just lying here staring at the space that Hoseok had been occupying just a few seconds ago rather than doing anything? He could get up and chase after him, could start yelling and wake the others up.

Hoseok was going to kill himself. This wasn't a joke, wasn't an idle threat like always. It was going to happen if he didn't stop it. Yet Taehyung wasn't entirely sure that he should. Why did he feel like maybe, just maybe, he should leave Hoseok? That he should let him do this if this was really what he wanted. What if the others hadn't pulled him over the side of the railing when he had climbed over it? What if they had just stood by and had left him? Would he have possibly have let go too?

Taehyung waited as patiently as he could, which was pretty damn hard all things considered. He had to wait until Hoseok was so far ahead of him that he wouldn't see him following him, so that meant patience. After forcing himself to count to a hundred he slowly lifted his head and glanced over the side of the flatbed. He saw the sight of his lover disappearing out of sight around the bluffs. Taehyung moved to climb out of the back, doing so as quickly and quietly as he could. As soon as his boots touched the sand he started walking across the beach, not exactly jogging but something close to it.

His lover was heading straight for the lighthouse. Was he doing this because of his actions the other day, the joke about jumping? Had he planted such a deep idea of death into his mind that Hoseok was going to go up there and actually kill himself? Or had Hoseok also found that sea as enchanting as it was terrifying and had been unable to stop thinking about it like him? Taehyung had had so many dreams of submerging under those waves, of being baptised in the cold and waters and emerging as a new person. He had dreamt of his friends' hands pushing him down and then dragging him back up so that he gasped for air and felt "clean".

But he would never be clean. That was why Hoseok was doing this right now. That was why the others were suffering because him, bruised and tired and sick of his mess. It was because of him and Taehyung knew what that meant.

It meant that they were going to abandon him just like everyone else.

He reached the bluffs and so he peered around them to see that Hoseok was still in the act of climbing. He was nearly at the top however, and so that meant just waiting for another minute or so so that he could get over the top and start going down the slope. Taehyung leaned back against the rock wall and glanced back at the car. It was parked quite a distance along the beach and he couldn't see any movement from the vehicle. If Hoseok killed himself then Taehyung really didn't know what he was supposed to do. But he did know one thing and that something was this: life wasn't worth living for him either. He couldn't murder his father and watch his lover die. No, that was the final straw and he couldn't take any more. That was why he should just shout out now, shout out Hoseok's name and let him know that he had seen him, that he should stop what he was doing.

But if Hoseok wanted to die...

Taehyung let his breath out in a wheeze and he spared another glance around the bluff to see that Hoseok was nowhere in sight. His heart was racing so fast in his chest that it was hard to breathe and he could feel it like a pulse; the sensation of his heart hitting against his ribs with enough force to maybe even leave bruises behind. He had to reach up and press a hand against his mouth to stop any sounds from escaping between his clenched teeth. His fingers were shaking against his lips and they didn't really help mute anything.

If Hoseok wanted to die then he had finally given up on him too. Just like the others. Taehyung knew that they didn't trust him now, not after what had happened with Yoongi. He was volatile and dangerous. A wrong word and he might just attack them too, might just try and strangle them like his fucking father had tried to do to him. Yes, Taehyung had seen shock on their faces that dreadful day but he had seen something else, something that he couldn't possibly forget. He had seen fear. He had seen fear in their eyes just as strong as the fear he had felt in the presence of his father; fear of the unknown and the threatening. His friends were scared of him. They were scared that he would lost control and hurt them and no matter how much they denied it he knew that it was the truth. Because he had looked into their eyes and he had seen it. Hoseok had probably felt that last part of him that still loved him shattering to pieces the second that he had wrapped his hands around Yoongi's neck. No wonder he wanted to kill himself. It was just another thing that he had fucked up and had no chance at fixing. When they dragged him back to Seoul he wouldn't at all be surprised if Hoseok finally got rid of him just like everyone else had. He would abandon him like his mother, or chase him off like his father. But no, his lover had already decided to cut him out of his life in a much more effective manner.

Hoseok wasn't going to cut him out like cancer so that he could recover afterwards, could heal. No, he was letting the cancer eat him alive instead. That was much more effective. No way of backing out of this one.

Taehyung lowered his hand and then he carried on walking to go around the bluff and get to the hill. The rocks were treacherous in the dark and he didn't even try and see where he was going, where his boots stepped and his fingers grabbed hold of. At this point he didn't even care if he ended up slicing his hand open, the pain would be more than welcomed. He just didn't care and that was probably why he felt the unmistakable sensation of his balance starting to slip.

"Oh shit, oh fuck!" he cursed as he flailed his arms out, chest jerking forward and lower spine protesting at the sudden shift in position. He didn't fall backwards but he did feel his leg give in under him and he landed with a hard thump on the hill. A jutting edge of rock stabbed him right in the thigh and he felt it scraping at his skin through the material of his jeans. Taehyung managed to not bite his tongue but caught his lip between his teeth instead. It hurt and that was what made him finally start crying. It wasn't hysterical sobbing or keening but rather just muted tears and shaking shoulders. He bit down on his lip and tasted a slight dribble of blood against his tongue. After a few seconds of trying to catch his breath he shifted to get on his hands and knees and started crawling up the hill again, even when it meant catching his palms on the sharp rocks and scraping his knees.

By the time he got to the top Hoseok was nowhere in sight and that meant that he was inside of the building already. Taehyung didn't even try to walk down the other side he just shifted so that he could slide down it on his ass. It was jarring but when his boots hit the hard sand on the other side he managed to get to his feet again. He brushed his palms on the thighs of his jeans to knock the sand and soil free, the grazes in his skin stinging. Had Hoseok heard him a moment ago, when he had fallen over and cursed? Or had the sound of the wind currently blowing in over the waters buried it? Whatever the case Taehyung started walking along the boardwalk to get to the lighthouse. His knees were stinging from the rocks but he barely registered it as he stepped inside of the building. When he cocked his head he heard nothing coming from the stairs, no soft footsteps or creaking wood. So Taehyung shifted to go up them. He wanted to run up but he just knew that he would trip and so he forced himself to walk at a more moderate pace. By the time he reached the top he was taking quick intakes of breath and he could feel himself starting to get dizzy again. He stepped onto the canopy and after a quick scan he located Hoseok sitting just to the side, on the floor with his back against the dead light bulb.

There was nothing for them to say except stare at each other right now. What could Hoseok possibly say to him now, with the pills in his hand and countless ones already in his stomach? What could Taehyung say to him that would change a single thing? There was literally nothing and so Taehyung just studied him for a moment and waited to see if he would break the silence. Eventually Hoseok's lips lifted at the corners and the expression didn't look sheepish but rather wounded.

"It's a little too late for comfort right now Tae," he said in a quiet voice, fingers continuing to play with the fob top almost nervously. "I swallowed them all. Maybe I'll die, maybe not. I don't know. Maybe it's better that way, not knowing? I'll just...go to sleep and not wake up again. Is seemed like the nicest choice I had right now."

"You think that everything just goes black?" Taehyung asked, voice not exactly even as he did. It felt like he was straining to get it out, struggling to speak without gasping for air. Hoseok nodded and he seemed to think it over for a moment before quietly adding that he hoped that it was the case. "Y'know I heard that when a person dies they get their own personal heaven. Just for 'em. Filled with the good shit and none of the bad." He sniffed and he reached up to wipe at his nose roughly. His eyes were still wet, as were his cheeks, but it seemed pointless drying them now. They would just get wet again.

"I didn't peg you as a religious person Tae," Hoseok said, fiddling with the bottle of pills in his hand. There was no rattling noise as the ones inside moved around, revealing that it was now empty.

"I'm not, not even fucking close. But it sounds nice, doesn't it? Your own personal heaven. Almost makes dying seem worth it."

"Nothing is worth dying for." Taehyung studied his lover's face and he felt the most pressing urge to point out the hypocrisy in his statement. He was the one that had swallowed most of the contents of a bottle of sleeping pills. He was the one that was killing himself because of him, because he had driven him under once again. Back down into the pits of his depression where thoughts about suicide kept him awake at night. "Except maybe to find some fucking peace."

"Or to find an escape."

"Tae, it's not about you I want you to know that," Hoseok replied sharply as he looked up at him. His expression showed that he was telling the truth. "It's not about you, it's never been about you. It's the fucking sickness up here," he stabbed his fingers at his temple for emphasis. "That's why I did this, not you."

"I know, I know."

"Because I love you. I do, I-" Hoseok rubbed at his eyelids roughly with the hand not holding the bottle, as if trying to keep them open. It wasn't to stop him from crying because his eyes were dry. That wasn't surprising. Hoseok hadn't shown anything remotely close to emotions for quite a few days now, or at least authentic emotions. "I just wish that I didn't hate everything else. Not the others, I love them too. Just...I can't do this anymore Tae. I'm giving up I know-"

"No, no it's not giving up. It's not."

"I know that I'm giving up and it's because I want to. I'm taking control. The one thing I finally take control of and it's...my own death." Hoseok's lips lifted at the corners in a smile that looked more like a grimace. He sniffed loudly and then rubbed at his eyes again. "Shit Tae, you weren't supposed to be here. You weren't supposed to see this."

"Hoseok, I wanna be here. I wanna be here for you. I don't want you to be alone right now."

"Tae, I'm going to die," Hoseok said in a whisper. "That's what's going to happen." Taehyung hunkered down and reached towards him, holding his hand out to him. His lover eyed his fingers for a few seconds before lifting his own hand from his lap and taking hold of his hand. "I don't want you to see that."

"Are you scared?"

"...Yes. Yes I'm scared. Shit Tae I'm terrified."

"Then that's what I'm here for," Taehyung explained. "Who else is gonna hold your hand, huh? Who else is gonna stop you from getting scared? It's me Hoseok, it's always been me." Hoseok was gnawing on his lower lip now, fingers quivering within his. "So that's why I gotta be here."

"You should have stopped me."

"You didn't want me to stop you," he retorted. "I know you Hoseok. That's why I didn't. I love you but I can't stop you from deciding your own life. Not when I can't even control my own fucking life. I love you and that's why I'm letting you do this." Taehyung took his other hand in his, pulling the pill bottle out and dropping it on the floor. Hoseok was starting to slip into unconscious now, he could see it on his face. His eyes were getting distant and foggy and his lips were slack. It would be that first, the slipping into blackness and afterwards it would happen. If he had downed enough pills then he would die, that was it.

"Tae, what are you going to...when I'm gone what are-"

"Don't worry about me Hoseok," he replied as he slowly traced his thumb around the backs of his knuckles. "For once in your life don't worry about me, OK?"

"That thing you said about heaven?"

"Yeah?"

"I'll see you there," Hoseok said, eyelids flickering so fast now that it was the beat of butterfly wings. "I'll see you and...all be good not...shit." He breathed out audibly and then furrowed his brow. "Tae?"

"Yeah Hoseok? I'm right here."

"Can you kiss...kiss me one last time. Puh...please?" Taehyung shifted so that he could lean over him and he held his face just above his. Hoseok's breathing was starting to get shallow, a sign that was losing consciousness. He could barely feel it against his mouth when he gently pressed their lips together. It seemed to take his lover great effort to pout his own lips out in a kiss. Taehyung placed his free hand on his face and he felt wind-chilled skin against the skin of his palm.

"Hoseok, sometimes I think that...that life would be so much easier if there was no such thing as love. Y'know?"

"But then it would...wouldn't be worth living Tae."

"But I love you, no matter what. Even if it hurts."

"You know that I...love you Tae. I say it every day."

But Hoseok wouldn't now, not after this. No, tomorrow would be a day that Hoseok would most certainly not say "I love you" and they both knew it. That was why tomorrow wasn't really worth waking up to. Taehyung kissed him again and he felt Hoseok's breath ghosting out on his lips as he did. So warm, not like his cheek.

"I want you to know," Hoseok said as he opened his flicking eyelids. "Tae...I want to...tell you that I'll love you for...forever." Taehyung looked into his eyes and knew that this was going to be the last time that he ever did. As soon as Hoseok slipped down into unconsciousness he wouldn't wake up again if he was lucky. His body would be pumped with all of the shit that he had swallowed and he would die. Hopefully it would be painless but Taehyung knew better than that.

Everything was fucking pain. Death wasn't going to change a thing.

"Y'know what they say, right?" Taehyung said, trying so very hard to keep his smile steady at the corners. "True love never dies."

"Tae don't...don't do anything stupid when I'm guh...gone, OK? I can't keep you safe anymore."

"I won't, I promise I won't."

"Listen to the others...they just want to help..." Hoseok's head lolled to the side and he made a breathless noise as he slumped slightly. "I love you...Tae."

"I love you too Hoseok," Taehyung said in a soft voice as he gently helped Hoseok lie down on his side. Hoseok was still breathing, still alive but unconscious. It would take a little longer for him to die, or at least that was what Taehyung was expecting. He studied his face for a moment before leaning forward and delivering another kiss to his mouth, then his forehead. Taehyung lifted his hands and he pressed his lips against his fingers before gently placing them down. He supposed that it was about time that he did this. Before something happened and stopped him.

Taehyung got to his feet and he wandered across the canopy to stand in front of the railings. The sight of the sea and stars like the never-ending black vastness of space was right in front of him. There was the still burning remains of the meteor shower all over it, glowing trails of light that were so far away and yet looked like he could reach up and touch them. So he did. Taehyung lifted an arm and stretched it up over his head, squinting one eye closed as he gently followed the trail with his fingertips.

"And I'll see you there too," he said as he turned back to look at Hoseok. He leaned back against the railings as he did. "I'll see you and the others. I'll only see the good shit, and none of the bad."

Taehyung felt the railing digging into his back and he reached back without looking to grab right hold of them. After a moment of fumbling he turned and once again dragged himself up so that he could swing his leg over the side. Taehyung felt with his heel until the soles of his boot were prodding against the slight ledge and then he shifted and lifted his other leg over the side. His grip was tight on the tops of the railings and he studied the sight of his boots on the ledge before looking up at Hoseok.

He wished that he could give him another kiss but it was a little too late for that now. No, now he was too far away from Hoseok to ever do such a thing. The length of the canopy felt more than a few feet. It felt like miles to him, an entire ocean. Taehyung couldn't really see if he was breathing from this distance. He hoped that he wasn't seen as that was what Hoseok had wanted all along.

Taehyung just wanted him to be happy.

Taehyung hadn't wanted it to come to this. His whole life he had just wanted something but of course he never could. It was as if that god up in the sky he had mocked in the past simply wanted him to suffer forever. Fucked up childhood, fucked up teen years, and a future adulthood that looked like it was set to be the most fucked up of them all. Going back to Seoul was a death sentence for him and he knew it. He knew that he couldn't have a normal life. He had had battled abuse and alcoholism and had murdered his own father all before the age of eighteen. No, there was nothing normal for him. Taehyung had accepted this fact and he knew that it was only a matter of time until he fucked up again and someone else had to pay the price. Like Hoseok right now. Like Yoongi, who he had almost throttled to death because of an argument.

Taehyung had accepted death as an inevitability a long time ago because he had never thought that he would make it this far. He had always thought that he would be dead by now and yet here he was; clinging onto life so very pathetically. Maybe he should have just let his father kill him so that he could have saved them all of the trouble he had put them through.

They didn't deserve this. His friends. His family . They deserved good things and not all of his fucking baggage. Taehyung didn't want to drag them down with him like he had last year. No, this time he was going to cut the ties and finally free them. No more worrying if he was safe and not unconscious in a gutter choking on his vomit. No more listening to him talking shit about things because he couldn't ever find something good. They wouldn't wake up and wonder if he was staying dry and not letting strangers fuck him for a pittance. No, his friends wouldn't have that. They would gain the normalcy that they deserved once and for all. All that it took was this one thing. It was practically nothing.

Taehyung's hands always shook now, after the alcoholism. Sometimes it wasn't that bad, just a shaking in the fingers that could be easily ignored. Sometimes his hands shook so badly that it was as if he was afflicted with palsy and dropping and breaking things was a common occurrence. But right now...right now his hands weren't shaking. They were steady and sure as they held onto the railings and he didn't find this surprisingly at all.

This was like taking a deep breath of air after being submerged for so long. Taehyung could breathe now, and so he took a deep inhale of air and let it back out again. The taste of the sea was on his tongue and he could hear the waves hitting against the bluffs down below.

"I'm taking control too," Taehyung said, knowing that Hoseok couldn't hear him at this point. It didn't matter however, for he still needed to tell him. "I'm taking control and I'm scared too." His eyes felt wetter than they had a few seconds ago, possibly from the bracing wind hitting him in the face. But he knew that it wasn't. "And I wish that you could hold my hand right now buh-but you can't and-and-and I undersuh-stand."

Across the canopy Hoseok didn't say a single word. If he could however Taehyung knew that he would tell him that he was there for him, that he didn't need to be scared either. He would cup his face in his hands as he did, thumbs digging in ever so slightly. Right now Taehyung couldn't feel his cheeks.

"But I can't duh-do this either. I'm suh-so sick and fuh-fucking tired. How muh-much do I have to buh-bleed for the pain to juh-just stop?" Taehyung took a gasping breath and though his cheeks were numb he felt burning tears tracking down his cheeks. "I nuh-know I don't desuh-serve good things 'cuh-cos of everything but..." He paused and dropped his gaze to his boots again. "I'll find something guh-good. I know I will."

Down on the beach their friends had no idea what was happening right now. They were all asleep, dreaming dreams likely as light and beautiful as the meteor shower had been. They didn't know that Hoseok had downed countless pills and lay unconscious and dying right now. They didn't know that Taehyung had finally felt the last of his sanity snapping and that he was nothing more than a few inches of ledge away from plunging down a couple of hundred feet into the ocean.

Wasn't it better that way? Like Hoseok and his quiet death. He could go without trouble, disappear silently into the night and never cause problems ever again.

"I'll finally buh...be clean Hoseok."

Taehyung let go of the railings and held his arms out at his sides. Now he was staying put only by the soles of his boots and just another inch back and he would plummet. If anything could possibly happen to stop him then it had to happen now; right at this very moment. He closed his eyes and listened for the sound of pounding feet on the spiral staircase. Bodies would spill up onto the canopy and voices would shout out. Phones would be pulled free to call ambulances, hands would seize hold of him and drag him over the side back to the safety of the concrete flooring.

But that didn't happen. The air stayed still save for the crashing waves down below and nothing more than that.

"No more pain." Taehyung said, voice barely even a whisper as he breathed the words out his parted lips.

He didn't really slip but rather threw himself backwards. It was the one way that meant he could see the sky one last time. That beautiful sight of blackness above him: nihilism embodied. Taehyung had never fallen before and for a few seconds he felt like he needed to flail his limbs but the terrifyingly sudden drag of gravity soon leveled out. What he did feel was his arms lifting up almost as if he was reaching out for something, a hand to rescue him. There was an overwhelming pressure on his body and breathing felt much too hard so he didn't. He just held his breath and listened to the thumping of his heartbeat and the whistling wind in his ears. It pulled through his hair like fingers, made his clothing rustle.

Taehyung managed to open his eyes just as his back hit the water and the sight of the meteor trails above him was quickly replaced by that of freezing cold water. The air he had stored in his lungs burst free in a stream of bubbles and he felt himself sinking under the rough waves; being dragged down into the darkness that was so much like a sea of stars.

The only thing that Taehyung regretted was that his last words hadn't been to tell Hoseok that he loved him.