From outside the building he could hear the sound of the car radio playing, not loud exactly but echoing on the still air so that it sounded loud. Hoseok didn't recognise the song but he had no doubts that Jungkook had switched the channel to find it, maybe Taehyung. He could hear guitars, rather soft ones for once instead of loudly blaring ones, and he was certain that he could hear their youngest friend humming along under his breath, not words exactly but something close. He couldn't hear conversation but there had been some earlier, nothing important but just "shooting the shit" as Yoongi would call it. They were all outside except for him and Seokjin, out in the heat and the sun. Hoseok much preferred the shade and cooler air inside the building. He almost wished that it would rain again like it had yesterday, a slight downpour or perhaps just even the cooler air and breeze, but it was once again back to that dreadful summer weather.

"They're going to drain the battery on you," Hoseok remarked as he rolled his head to look over at Seokjin. His friend was still sitting on the broken sofa, legs folded up on the cushion in front of him. His friend looked bored, which Hoseok supposed he felt too. He didn't really know, it was hard to tell when he had constantly felt numb for these last few days.

"Probably, but they'll be the ones crying when they've got to walk everywhere," Seokjin replied with a smile.

Studying his face Hoseok saw that he looked good, like he had been eating and sleeping well. Quite a few of them looked that way to his eyes: Seokjin, Namjoon, Jimin. Yoongi and Jungkook looked a little tired, but the former always looked tired and the latter had many reasons to not be sleeping well. Taehyung had always looked frayed around the edges so seeing the way he was now was of no surprise to him. They could all at least see his face more clearly now that it wasn't hidden behind his hair. Hoseok wondered what they all thought when they looked at him. Did they think that he looked tired, not rested and eating too little again? Would they worry about what exactly was going through his mind right now?

Hoseok didn't really know what had happened over the last few days but he had started feeling numb again. It was that same sensation that made him just want to stop doing things, to just sit in the building or the car for hours on end without moving, without speaking. Even with the sights passing the windows he didn't take any of it in, couldn't recall any of the buildings except for a blur of bricks and light out of the corner of his eye. Being awake almost made him feel like he was drifting on the very edge of consciousness, mere moments away from blackness yet never reaching than tranquil state. It was hard eating when his appetite had disappeared on him and he had had to force himself to do so just to make sure that the others didn't notice. It was hard enough avoiding Seokjin''s scrutiny most days, he didn't need it now the way he currently felt. But he wanted to stay in the building regardless. He was comfortable here, in the shade, and Seokjin had yet to attempt conversation with him so far over the last hour or so. Perhaps none of them were thinking those things about him, but he doubted it.

If they had any idea about what he was feeling like then they would want to talk, would want to look at his diary and he couldn't let them do that. That was too much and Hoseok didn't want all of the trouble starting because of him. He had caused enough trouble over this last week or so. He had been more or less been responsible for what had happened between Taehyung and his father for making such a stupid suggestion, and so trouble was most certainly something that he was wanting to avoid.

Taehyung, he knew that the numbness was because of him but at the same time he felt like this had been coming for a long time. The unavoidable gradual slump back into his depressive cycle. The return to the blackness at the back of his mind and the numbing comfort of nihilism. It had been so long now, many months of rather calm waters and he had just known that eventually the waves would start crashing down on him; loud and heavy waves that would drag him under and try to drown him. Right now he felt like he was being tossed around in the waves and he was either going to end up swimming back to shores after much struggling, or he would be pulled down in the undertow.

He really needed Doctor Lee, but she was hundred of miles away back in Seoul and he was down in Taean County. She would help him swim back to the shore, would be a little like his own private lighthouse guiding him away from the rocky bluffs to the safe sands. He was currently surrounded by friends that were trying so very hard to fix things but just kept fucking up, kind of like him. They weren't equipped to help him, and he didn't think that it should be their responsibility to do so. Hoseok didn't like the idea of being a burden. Sometimes he wasn't even certain if he was really trying and failing, or whether he really didn't try at all. How could he be trying, after all wouldn't trying make him feel better? Wouldn't the effort breed results of some sort? Yes, he probably wasn't doing much at all and that was why he always felt like he was weighing down on his friends.

If Doctor Lee couldn't be there for him then Taehyung would have been his private lighthouse. But his lover's signal was broken right now, was throwing light every which way and Hoseok wasn't sure at all that he could avoid crashing into the bluffs because of this.

It didn't feel like it had been just two days since Taehyung had taken him out of the building and into the back of Seokjin's car to look at the stars; since they had made love against the back window and he had felt Taehyung slowly coming back round to him again. For all of those days without his touch, without his kisses and the way that he had kept a reasonable distance from him, Hoseok had felt like his heart strings had been getting tuned tighter and tighter; an ache in his chest. But then his lover had held him against the window and he had felt bare skin against skin, his mouth and his love once more, and the relief had been palpable. It had been as if Taehyung's rocking hips had been the ebbing tide slowly washing the pain away for him.

Hoseok had known that sex wasn't going to fix problems, that it never fixed anything for anyone, but it had been a comfort that they had both needed. Lying in Taehyung's arms afterwards he had almost believed that it might just have done something. It wasn't that he and Taehyung had been drifting apart, not at all. He had thought that it would have allowed Taehyung to remember that their intimacy could be shared by both body and mind, and it had. His lover had shared that intimacy and then he had opened his mouth and secrets had spilled free, dark and heavy secrets that no other soul knew about. Hadn't that been what he had wanted all along? Then why did his current knowledge make him feel like he should never have opened Taehyung's wounds; his Pandora's Box?

Taehyung carrying about the weight of his father's sins for all of those years: a victim of abuse and rape, nothing more than a child.

Hoseok thought that thinking about it all would cause him agony, would make him feel a disgusting surge of emotions in his chest that made him want to choke. But it didn't. No, thinking about it made him stay numb just like everything else. Was it because deep down he had known all along that something had happened? Was it because he wasn't surprised at all by the revelations? Those years with Taehyung covered in bruises, always deflecting away from the more hideous secret, always a strange layer like makeup to cover it all up. It had been hard to look past mottled marks on his arms without finding their gazes moving to look at the ones on his throat. The ass-whooping excuse for why he hadn't been able to sit down some days had also worked a charm. It had all been there from the very start. Maybe that was why the shock hadn't affected him that much at all, because he had already noticed the signs a long time ago.

It was like reading a forecast for rain and getting a storm instead; both more or less the same results in the end.

"Are you alright?" Seokjin asked suddenly, dragging him out of his musings in a quiet voice. Hoseok shifted to once again look at him and his friend cleared his throat. "I just asked because you look tired."

"Hmm, yes I'm alright. Just a little tired is all."

"Trouble sleeping?" Hoseok confirmed this with a soft nod, the back of his head rubbing against the leather car seat. "I don't think you're the only one." For a moment he thought that he was talking about Taehyung, just like always, but then he carried on talking. "Kookie was awake for most of the night, kept moving around and waking me up. When I left the building this morning to clean up I found him lying in the back of my car. In the flatbed."

"Maybe he wanted to look at the stars?" Hoseok suggested with a wry smile, knowing that they both knew that that was not the right answer. Seokjin made a soft noise under his breath at this but he didn't say anything. He was more than certain that he wanted to however, he was just struggling to figure out what exactly he wanted to say. If he had suspicions about Jungkook then he had suspicions about yesterday and Hoseok didn't want to revisit that old wound again already.

He had only just started to feel his anger towards Taehyung dissipating after the lighthouse incident. It was not the time to drag it all back up to the surface or he might just risk bringing the emotion back.

Why had his lover thought that climbing over the railing and risking plunging to his possible death was something that constituted as a joke? Not only was it hideously morbid, but he had also done so in front of Jimin. Jimin who had just a year earlier considered jumping off a bridge to kill himself. Had Taehyung really not thought about it, had forgotten that it had all happened? He had been drunk at the time granted, but he didn't want to think that something as important as Jimin's suicide attempt had not registered on Taehyung's scale of things to remember. That wasn't all either. Quite simply Hoseok had been angry with him because his joke had risked near death and his lover had taken that risk without even thinking about him. He didn't like to think about it, but what if Taehyung really had fallen over the side; had died hitting the rocks or had drowned in the turbulent waters? Hoseok would have lost him in the most terrifying of ways, a death so sudden and quick he couldn't have possibly have accepted it. He would have seen him standing there, just a few feet away, one moment and simply gone the next.

That was why he had shouted and cursed at him; was why he had been angry. Taehyung could have died for nothing and he would have been left behind. A death that had been nothing more than a shitty joke...or a suicide. But suicide wasn't something that Hoseok was thinking about right now. It had been a morbid joke, that was all. Taehyung wasn't thinking about death and suicide, he was just acting like his typical immature self; the kind to jump before thinking almost literally in this case.

"So what did you guys do when we were out yesterday?" Hoseok asked, hoping to deflect the conversation away from Jungkook and in a more positive direction.

"Not much," Seokjin said as he starting playing with the sleeves of his pullover; the deep blue clashing against the deep brown settee. "I ran to the stores like always, to buy food and things. Forgot to get gas though."

"There's the spare container right? Can't you use that to fill up the engine?"

"Uh...no," his friend replied after a moment of thought. "I already used that up I think, I need to get more. It was empty this morning so I must have used it all up." Hoseok laughed and said that he would have fun managing to get their friends away from the car. "How much easier would it be if we had water and electricity?"

"Might as well go the whole mile and get gas thrown in for free too." Seokjin smiled at the joke and then he shifted his gaze over to the open doorway. Then he asked him in a soft voice why he wasn't out there with them, enjoying the weather and music. "Me?" Hoseok raised an eyebrow and then turned to look out the open gap too. He saw nothing more than grassy dirt and trees out of the doorway. "It's too sunny, I prefer staying in here instead."

"The sun would be good for you."

Hoseok thought this over for a moment and then he got to his feet and he wandered over to stand in the doorway. The sight he was greeted by was that of his friends all currently lounged on and around the car across the grassy patch, enjoying the wonderful warm weather and sun. On the twine line to his right, dangling between the low trees, he could see clothing that would most certainly be dry by now. Looking at the line always made him feel a little shiver go down his spine and so he dragged his eyes away to study his friends.

Namjoon was seated in the flatbed, legs cocked up in front of him as he read the book he had brought with him. Hoseok didn't really know what it was about but he had heard Jungkook referring to it as an old man book. The youngest was propped up against the side of the car, sitting in the grass and messing around with one of those plywood boards. He had sawed a little off with the penknife and was currently attempting to carve something into the surface though he didn't know what exactly. His fingers were moving deftly, the blade slicing away layers of wood.

Jimin was lying on the hood of the car happily taking in the sunlight, tee currently cast aside and arms spread out over the black hood. If the hot metal bothered him at all he didn't show it for he looked very comfortable, eyes closed. His chest was rising and falling softly and he might just have drifted off in the heat. Yoongi however was not enjoying the hot sun, and he was most certainly napping in the front seat. He was slumped over with his arms folded over his frail chest, head lolled on an angle so that his lower face was resting on his shoulder. He was going to wake up with a stiff neck an hour from now. Yoongi could really do with the sun but their friend just never seemed to get any colour even when he did; remained pale and rather sickly-looking all year round.

Lastly Taehyung was on the very roof of the car, lying on his stomach with his arms folded up to rest his chin on, legs stretched out so his feet dangled just a few inches away from Namjoon's head. He looked like a cat, like he always did; long and lithe, always getting into the strangest places possible. Hoseok studied him to see that he wasn't really doing anything more than staring at things here and there; the soft rise and fall of Jimin's chest, the few clouds drifting along the denim blue sky. He looked bored and it was then that Hoseok was struck by the fact that they werebored. There was nothing for them to do right now and so they were all lounging around in an attempt at wasting the long hours between waking and sleeping.

Just by his feet Hoseok could see the empty red plastic container of gasoline, lying there minus the black cap. Had it been there last night? He couldn't recall, he couldn't recall many small details like that anymore, just the important things. He prodded at it with the toes of his boot and when he looked up he saw that Jungkook was looking at him keenly. Yet when their eyes met the boy dropped his gaze back down to the wood in his hand.

"You guys are acting like you've never seen the sun," Hoseok joked, squinting as he attempted a smile. It likely looked like a grimace.

"After the winter we just had I'm enjoying all the sun I can get," Namjoon replied, paper crinkling as he turned to a new page of the novel.

"Right now," Jimin announced, proving that he was in fact awake and not asleep. "I'd have been under a car probably, fixing busted axles or messing around with an engine. And Yoongi would be asleep." He lifted his head off the hood to look through the front window and when he saw his lover napping in the passenger-seat he started laughing. "Oh, never mind."

"Right now I'd be in class," Jungkook muttered as he blew shavings free from the block. "Freedom sweet fucking freedom."

Hoseok thought about where he would be right now, now that he was no longer up in Seoul. It was a day without a café shift, and those days he had usually spent in Taehyung's presence. That had usually entailed trying to get him to leave the house, to go for walks or to go shopping, to get food or maybe go and visit Soobin. No week was the same as the previous and most of the time it had been nothing more than spending the entire day in the house with him. How much simpler those days had been, and how much he missed them right now.

Days without death always hanging in the air like smog, lingering around them and suffocating them all slowly.

"Shit I'm bored," Taehyung remarked as he shifted on the roof, rolling into his side to look over at him. His tee shifted to show a flash of his stomach, tanned and lovely as always, and he rested his head on the palm of his hand. No more long hair to hang in his eyes, he didn't even need to brush it back like always. Even with his battered knuckles and elbows, the scratches on his skin and the fact his knees always seemed to be bruised, Hoseok wondered if Taehyung knew how beautiful he was. Probably not, that required a little self-love and acceptance and his lover didn't seem to have those qualities in abundance.

"Join the club man," Jimin mumbled as he shifted to sit upright on the hood, rubbing at his eyes.

"Anyone wanna go for a walk or something?" Taehyung asked suddenly. The suggestion was met by silence for a few seconds and then Jungkook shifted to get to his feet. He dusted his hands free, placing the knife and wood back in the flatbed of the truck, and then he said that he would go for one. Within the following minute or so it ended with Jimin somehow managing to wake Yoongi up, pulling him out of the car and making him a part of this walk even though he clearly didn't want to; twisting the radio dial off to plunge the area into silence. But Namjoon turned them down and said that he was fine with his book, he didn't need to go for a walk.

"What kinda fun can you get outta that, huh?" Jungkook asked him with a wide grin.

"Every story is an adventure Kookie," Namjoon replied as he turned to a new page. "You've just gotta open the book and start reading."

Hoseok shifted to sit on the hood of the car, watching the four of his friends walking until they disappeared out of sight around the end of the road. From there they would have the brisk walk past the overhanging freeways and narrow truck lanes to get into Taean County, the air filled with exhaust fumes and blaring horns. The noise might just wake Yoongi up. It wasn't exactly comfortable sitting on the hood, he wondered how Jimin had managed to lie on it for so long, but he just settled back on his wrists and listened to the sudden silence. He was in the act of running his eyes over the trees when there was a soft rustling sound and he turned his head back he saw that Seokjin was standing in the doorway. His friend looked to be eyeing the car but Hoseok couldn't help but feel that he was also studying him. That was probably paranoia but he couldn't shake the feeling.

"I should probably go get some gas now," Seokjin said as he crossed his arms over his chest and studied the side of the car. "Whilst the others are gone and they won't demand I drive them around the city for fun."

"Told you we should've got some yesterday," Namjoon muttered as he turned to another page.

"I just forgot," the other man replied with a soft shrug. "I don't usually forget, must be the mixture of heat and boredom wearing down on my brain." Hoseok could agree with that sentiment even though it wasn't those things that were making him feel the way he was. "So yes, let's go get some gas. Want to tag along?" Seokjin aimed the question right at him, even looked at him.

"Uh..." Stay at the building on his own or agree to tag along to the gas station for a few minutes? It was surprisingly harder than it should have been, and after a few seconds of thought he agreed with a nod.

"Joonie?"

"Hey man, I'm comfortable right now," Namjoon said as he glanced up from the book in his hands, looking slightly irritated but mostly like he was just joking. "Can't I just chill here?" Seokjin told him that he could ride in the back of the car if he wanted to. There was nothing stopping him from riding in the back whilst they went to the gas station; he could stay comfortable and carry on reading no problem. Namjoon thought this over for a moment before deciding to stay in the back. So Hoseok climbed off the hood and went around the side to climb into the passenger-seat. He shifted to glance over his shoulder at the back to see Namjoon happily sitting in the open flatbed. The breeze would likely cause the pages to ruffle if he didn't keep a tight hold.

"This weather is the worst," Seokjin said as he pressed the window button and let it slide down and let a cool breeze in. "I think it's worse than last year and I didn't think that was even possible." He probably should have turned the A.C. on too to combat the horrid heat.

"It's the kind of weather you're just waiting for a storm to happen," Hoseok agreed as his friend started the car and slowly twisted the wheel to get the car onto the dirt path that led onto the main road. "Hopefully it will do so when we're all inside the house instead of at the beach."

The vehicle rounded the end of the dirt path and that was when Hoseok caught sight of their friends walking along the side of the main road, huddled together in a small group. He studied them from behind and then in the side mirror as they passed. They must have noticed Namjoon sitting in the back for they started hollering and waving their arms at them. Taehyung even jogged a few feet as if pretending he was going to jump on the back or maybe just chase after them, wide grin on his face before he slowed down again. Hoseok heard Seokjin laughing under his breath and from the open window came Namjoon's voice.

"Have fun on your little adventure!"

The slight ride to the gas station was one that was done in silence, neither he nor his friend talking to each other but just staying quiet for the several minutes that it took. Hoseok knew that he would spring questions on him, it was only a matter of time and so he should just enjoy the calm before the storm by not saying a word. Just like usual he found that the sights of the window were nothing more than a boring blur that he didn't register, his mind too preoccupied playing the sight of Taehyung climbing over that stupid railing over and over like a broken record refusing to let him just forget about it. His lover hadn't fallen, he was alive and so he just just stop thinking about it but it wasn't that simple. Sadly his mind seemed to want to cause him as much discomfort as possible today. So he just forced himself to try and concentrate on the streets outside instead in the hopes it would take his mind off it all.

Seokjin pulled the car up to the station and killed the engine, plunging the interior into even silence as he climbed out and left the door slightly open. Hoseok eyed a man filling up a truck across the lot whilst his own friend saw to their own tank. As soon as it was full, card slipped into the machine and gas paid for, Seokjin climbed back into the car and slammed the door shut. He fiddled with his seatbelt and a minute later they were driving across the lot to get back onto the main road. The trip must have taken nothing more than twenty minutes so far and the drive back would be the exact same length of time.

"You know," Seokjin said as he settled back in his seat. "This is the first time in a long time that it's just been me and you together, it's got to have been...months right?" Hoseok made a soft noise in agreement, eyes shifting to study Namjoon's profile just visible in the rear view mirror. "So, how has everything been for you?"

"What like...over the last week?" His friend said in general, taking a hand off the steering wheel to lightly wave his wrist in a sweeping gesture. "I guess it's been good. I don't know, nothing has really happened."

"You've been in college," Seokjin said as he glanced over at him. "College and work, did you forget about that?" He asked his question with a slight smile on his face, letting him know that he was just joking around. "I would say that that was something, wouldn't you?"

It really was funny actually, because Hoseok had actually forgotten about all of that. He had forgotten that he had told Doctor Lee about how proud he had been. An entire year of study and part-time work under his belt, something that was certainly an achievement. But he had been proud of them all of course, even Taehyung had achieved something over the year. Yet the last few days had made him forget about all of that.

"I guess, but that's nothing. I've barely done anything, anything worth bragging about," Hoseok replied as he started fiddling with the cuff of his shirt. "Just like always, I've hardly even tried."

"I would say that you've been trying very hard Hoseok, arguably harder than the rest of us," Seokjin said as he slowed the car down at a set of lights.

"What do you mean by that?"

"Hoseok, can I be blunt with you?" Blunt wasn't exactly Seokjin's forte, that was more Yoongi. But he wanted to hear what he had to say, so he nodded and told him that he could. "We might have all had our problems but your depression is something more than that. It's something that you'll have to deal with your entire life."

"Kookie has to deal with his problems too," he argued. "He's got it for the rest of his life, it's not just me."

"Kookie should be - and will be - taking medication for his problems. You don't have that luxury anymore. I would say that you've had it the worst out of all of us, Tae included. But you overcame that Hoseok, and I'm not saying that it's some kind of badge that you can wear. "Look at me I've got depression but I'm not letting it get me down!""

Hoseok smirked at his sarcastic tone, all the while thinking that that was how everyone but his friends reacted up finding out he suffered from depression. They were always so surprised because he didn't look like he had it; didn't act like he did. And if it wasn't that reaction then it was a rather condescending attitude about how hard it must all be. Yes, Seokjin had managed to get it perfect.

"What I'm trying to say is that you've been through hell Hoseok and you're still here and that's something to be proud of."

"Yes, I think the fact I'm still breathing is an achievement but it's not exactly something you brag about, is it?"

"Maybe it's something the rest of us should start appreciating more," his friend said in a soft voice as the car started driving along the street again. "Anyway, how's Tae?" He noted how Seokjin asked this question in an offhand manner, as if it wasn't nothing more important than asking about the weather.

"Truthfully? Not good," Hoseok replied as he stared out of the front window. He felt his friend's eyes on his face but he didn't look over at him, rather just as the sight of the backs of the vehicles in front of them. "He's not good Jin and I don't know what I'm supposed to do."

"Hoseok?"

"Promise me right now that you won't say anything," he turned to look at him and he saw that Seokjin had stiffened in his seat, fingers tightening around the wheel as he did.

"I believe in sharing everything Hoseok, that none of us should keep secrets. I don't think I could promise to keep any secrets because the last one I kept was about Kookie's medication and look what happened." Hoseok had to respect him for being honest but he should have just lied to him and said that he would just so he could talk to him. Should he tell him anyway with the knowledge that he might just tell the others? After a moment of thought he let his breath out in a heavy sigh.

"Yesterday, at the lighthouse Tae pulled a joke about jumping off the side of it. I don't mean he made a verbal joke, I mean he climbed over the side so he was just hanging onto the railings, and he scared us all. Especially Jimin. He said that it was a joke, he keeps telling me that it was a joke but I don't think that it was. Not entirely."

"You think it was a sign of his current mental state?" Hoseok nodded and then explained that he felt that it was a sign that Taehyung was harbouring some morbid and dark thoughts. He should know. His diary was full of them too. "Survivor's guilt?" Seokjin suggested with a soft shrug. "He feels guilt for surviving and killing his father, it's a typical response to severe emotional trauma I suppose. But Tae...Tae hasn't been showing any signs has he? Anything extreme? Has he said anything to you?"

"Tae told me something very personal a few nights ago. Something that the death triggered, suppressed memories I guess."

"About his father?"

Hoseok spared a glance over at his friend to see that his face was rather blank of expression. It seemed that all of them pulled that face whenever the man was brought up; whether it be from recalling the fact he was buried in a garden right now or it be their own memories of him all floating to the surface.

"Jin...how bad exactly do you think Tae's father was?"

"I think that now I'm older I'm starting to think about and question a lot of things that I didn't as a child. Those things scare me, and I would like to think that I'm wrong but..." Seokjin paused and wet his lips before letting his breath out in a soft sigh. "How many times Hoseok?"

"Seven," he replied, knowing that Seokjin knew exactly what he was talking about. Of course he did, they had all known deep down. He watched his friend blink rapidly, clearly blinking back tears, and yet he still felt that numbness in his chest. "I don't know about extreme thoughts but that's something extreme to have to revisit, and I think that those memories have definitely caused a reaction in him. You saw how he avoided physical contact for all of those days. You remember the nightmares."

"...Shit," Seokjin said after a few seconds of silence.

"That's why I think that Tae's joke about going for a swim is a little more serious than he's pretending."

Hoseok probably shouldn't have said any of this but he had thought that doing so would make him feel a little better, would remove that horrible weight on his chest that he hadn't been able to shake for days now. But it didn't. Not really. By telling Seokjin he hadn't solved any problems, he had probably created more. Would Taehyung feel betrayed because he had told him about the rapes? He thought that the answer was most certainly yes but he also thought that the rest of their friends needed to know. Maybe that was wrong, maybe some things weren't supposed to be shared or known, but they were all too deeply entangled with each other at this point to keep secrets without causing even more trouble.

Friends that covered up murders together should really be more open with one another.

"You haven't...haven't been thinking about things like that have you Hoseok?" Seokjin asked in a quiet voice. "You haven't been thinking about dark things like that, right?"

"...No," he replied. "Nothing like that."

Hoseok wondered if Seokjin found the pause between his answer as obvious as he felt that it was.

Hoseok was at the lighthouse again. He didn't know how or why he was there, he had just simply opened his eyes and found the sight of the lighthouse door in front of him. There was a board still on the front and he could see nails sticking out, rusty copper coloured and bent on severe angles from the head of a hammer. The board wasn't in great condition, was splintered and rotting from age, yet it was still in place. He was confused by the sight because they had pulled the board down, hadn't they? What was it doing back in place like this? Hoseok reached over and touched the board, feeling the rough material under his fingertips. The sensation caused a ripple of discomfort to run down his spine and he couldn't suppress a shudder.

Hoseok knew that he had to get inside but he didn't know why. He hadn't liked entering the building in the first place, had found it unsettling and unpleasant, and yet now he knew that he had to get inside. But just touching the board on the door was enough to make him feel discomfort. Why did he need to get inside exactly? Well, there seemed to be a subconscious urge just telling him that he had to. It was almost a whisper and he even looked over his shoulder to check if there was anyone there. No one: he was alone. There wasn't even any sign of his friends, Jungkook or Jimin or Taehyung. Nor was there a sign of Yoongi or Namjoon or Seokjin. He was well and truly alone.

There were many questions at the back of his mind: why was he here, how had he gotten here, what was he doing here? Yet something told him, that same little voice in the back of his mind, that all of those questions would be answered if he went inside. So Hoseok ran his fingers along the board to the corner, slipping them under so that he could grab the board and pull hard on it. The wood seemed to groan as he applied pressure and he pulled quite a bit of it free before it snapped in his hands and he had to drop the chunk of board. He grabbed hold of another side and repeated this, wrenching at the plywood and getting scratches and splinters of wood trying to sink into his palms.

After a momentary struggle he managed to wrench most of the board away, leaving just a few inches at the bottom. It was enough to leave the door on clear display. Hoseok eyed it and then tried pushing on it. He expected that it wouldn't budge at all, that it would need kicking open just like Taehyung had done to it the other day, but he didn't need to do that at all. No, the lock was already broken and it swung open with a hideous sound: nails on a blackboard.

Hoseok stared in through the open doorway, so very much like a gaping maw. The mouth of a beast. He needed to go inside, his mind was telling him to do it, but it didn't seem like a good idea at all. It was like entering the tunnel at the old trainyard again. Entering to run along the tracks and find Taehyung curled up in an empty freight carriage, covered in blood. He could even smell it, he was convinced that he could. That strange coppery scent that was as unmistakable as it was foul. It was strong enough for him to nearly taste it on his tongue; his tongue that now seemed too wet in his mouth.

Hoseok stepped inside and found that the interior was flooded with star and moonlight from the open roof area. The light illuminated a considerable amount and so he saw the large puddle of blood on the floor at his feet. At least that now explained the scent in the air, he hadn't been hallucinating it at all. To his right and also illuminated were the first steps that ran up the side of the lighthouse. He had to go up them, that much he knew. He also knew that they were sturdier than they looked but he wouldn't be surprised if they suddenly decided to give in under his weight.

As he started ascending them he found this to not be the case for them did nothing more than make slight noises like they had last time he had stood on them. The staircase started curving softly and so he followed it, hand running along the old railing. It took a minute before he realised that the stairs seemed to be stretching higher and further than he had recalled. When he looked down he saw the wooden steps and for a brief moment he had almost been convinced that he was looking at tracks instead: train tracks. But when he blinked and opened his eyes again he saw that that was not the case at all. It was just the lighting and nothing more than that, the shadows falling and making the steps look like slats. Hoseok shook his head as if to dislodge the thoughts and he spared a quick glance up at the roof.

The sky visible through the gap was a deep blue that was yet to turn black. Not quite night yet, just a small scattering of the brightest stars visible. He had just lifted his foot to take another step when there came a creaking sound and he froze. It hadn't came from the steps below him...it had come from overhead. He was certain of it, and he even looked up at the roof even though he couldn't see through the concrete. Before he could stop himself Hoseok picked up his pace to get to the very top, nearly jogging up the steps as he did and hearing his footsteps pounding and causing the wood to creak. He got to the last step and stepped up onto the canopy and that was when he saw that he had been right. There had been someone up on the top of the lighthouse just like he had thought.

Taehyung.

How had he gotten up here? The door had been boarded up at the very bottom, sealed behind wood and nails, but he was standing just a few feet away from him. Hoseok was too surprised by the sight of him standing there to really know how to react, because his brain still hadn't processed it all. Taehyung was leaning against the railings in that same way like always, hands shoved into his jacket pockets and one foot casually crossed over the other.

Hoseok wanted to say something to him, to ask him questions, yet he didn't seem able to. He could only stare at him in the same numb confusion. Taehyung might have been standing under the shade of the canopy so he could barely make out his features, but he was certain that he was smiling at him. Hoseok dragged his eyes away to glance over the side. All he he could see was the dark sky and the black surface of the sea, almost one and the same. It looked like an endless void of blackness. Up on the canopy the air was so much colder than it had been down on the ground and he felt himself shivering.

Taehyung held his arms up in front of him, hands out to show his palms. It was a gesture that he knew all too well; the beckoning form for an embrace. There had been no words said between them but Hoseok knew him well enough to not need him to say a single thing. Taehyung was opening his arms to him because he was warm and that warmth would fight the chill on his skin. So Hoseok crossed the small section of canopy to get close and his lover reached out to slip his arms around his waist, dragging him close enough for their chests to touch.Taehyung's lips brushed against his hair and then shifted to his ear, breath warm on his skin.

"Let the water wash it all away."

"Wash what away?" Hoseok managed to ask, turning his face away from the sea to look at him. "Wash what away Tae?"

"Our sins," Taehyung said as his lips carried on moving and found his. He felt his lover's mouth pressing against his and his arms tightened around his waist. He was leaning back against the railing and Hoseok was overcome with a strange sensation, one that he knew even though he had never felt it before.

It was the sensation of falling.

They were falling over the side of the lighthouse as if the railings had simply melted and caused them to plummet down. Hoseok thought that he would be scared by this, that his very heart would stop beating but he wasn't. He felt strangely numb as he fell and it wasn't because of the nightly coastal air. The last thing he heard Taehyung say was something about how they would finally be clean again. Then came the deafening splash of freezing water and the roar of it in his ears and his head, the cold enough to bite to the bone and-

Hoseok woke up with a jerk and he nearly fell off the chair. His heart was racing so fast in his chest that his entire body seemed to be filled with the erratic rhythm and he had to take several quick gasps of breath because he couldn't breathe. He felt like he was drowning and he even threw his arms out as if to splash in the waves until he realised that he wasn't in water; he was just flailing around in the air. He wasn't in the lighthouse, he wasn't even outside but rather sitting on one of the leather car seats inside their impromptu home. He had been dreaming, or perhaps having a nightmare would be a more fitting way to describe it, and now he was awake.

Of course he was awake, he was here in the home. He had came back from the gas station with his friends and he had fallen asleep, a mixture of the heat and his own tiredness. That was what had happened and that was how he knew it had all been a dream. Hoseok reached up to touch his brow and he felt sweat beading on his skin, clammy horrible sweat. He let his breath out in a broken sigh and then he shifted to sit upright instead. His body felt weak and heavy and he just studied the black leather visible between his thighs whilst he waited for the remnants of his sleep to leave him.

Why had he thought about something like that? Why had he dreamt about him and Taehyung falling from the lighthouse after everything that had happened these last few days; after the discussion he had had with Seokjin not that long ago? Had it been a nightmare: his subconscious crying out to him his worst fears in order to make him do something about it? Or had it been something else perhaps, like a dream: a longing to commit an act that he had thought about but didn't have the guts to do in reality?

It was probably a mixture of things that had caused the nightmare. Seokjin had asked him about dark thoughts and all day long he had been wondering about the chances of Taehyung's behaviour being suicidal. Those thoughts combined, along with the words his lover had said that day on the pier had all gotten tangled up in his head and caused him to dream about them. Taehyung had spoken about his own reflection being like a new beginning, a clean start, and therefore he had himself wonder about the cleansing abilities of the sea.

The both of them going under, the both of them being cleaned so that they could start afresh without the pain and the shit. Yes, it very much seemed like a positive thought rather than a negative.

Hoseok lowered his hand from his brow and he took a deep breath before letting it out in another sigh. He glanced up and scanned the room to see that he was currently alone in the building. However he could hear his friends talking outside. How long had been been asleep for? He could hear Jimin talking excitedly just like always and that meant that they had came back whilst he had been sleeping. He shifted to swing his legs over the side of the chair and that was when his gaze fell on the bags all lying on the fall. They were in a mountain, backpacks and holdalls just placed on the flooring. In more than one case they were open, the zippers pulled down to show the contents.

Hoseok's eyes settled on Taehyung's bag, on the battered backpack that he had filled with clothing for him all of those days back. That day that had been the last time he had been in the family home. He hadn't even seen his parents that day, had just left a scrawled note tacked to the front door so they hadn't possibly been able to miss it. The backpack was a zipper one instead of a buckle, and it was currently closed over. He knew what was inside there however: the notebook that he had given him. There was something just beckoning to him, telling him to go over and open the bag so that he could pull the book out. He found himself getting to his feet and wandering over to the bags, hunkering down so that he could pull the backpack over to himself. A quick fiddle with the zipper and he pulled it open to eye the contents. There was the notebook, the top corner sticking out from a folded mess of clothing.

Hoseok couldn't stop himself from reaching inside and pulling it free, opening the notebook even when he knew that he shouldn't. It was wrong to do so and he would be angry at Taehyung had he done the same to him, but he just needed to do so. Something at the back of his mind was told him that he needed to make sure that his lover had written about everything, that he knew what he felt towards him and if he had been having such morbid thoughts too. After the event at the lighthouse he wasn't sure what exactly was going on with Taehyung and this scared him. His lover was hard to read at the best of times, thoughts unpredictable and unreliable, but Hoseok liked to think that he had learnt to read that little more than the rest. But right now, right now he just didn't know.

Hoseok eyed the first couple of pages, quickly scanning and seeing nothing that stood out, that he hadn't already seen before. Mostly the front was the angry black scribbles and words he had directed towards his father. He found that Taehyung hadn't filled many pages up beyond a couple and so it took him just a few seconds to locate actual writing rather than doodles and smeared streaks of ink. He read the paragraphs on the page in front of him slowly, filled with scribbled out lines and misspellings that were practically his lover's signature.

sumtimes I think that hoseoks sick of me. I dunno what it is but I think that he just is. its like Im a parasyte or something, a fucking dicease. why would he even like me I I dont like those thughts but their rare. Mostly I think that he loves me. its nice, even when its scary. I dont think I cud live wthout him cuz he just knows everything abut me. if he was to go away I know I wud die. that thught scares me the most. not dying but living wthout him. I dont think I cud find sumone like him again diahry. hoseok is the kinda speshul that people talk abut.

true love. hes unreplacable irreplaceable. thats why I wud die.

sumtimes I wish I cud take those thughts out so I dont have em. they scare me. I dont wanna think abut things like that but I cant stop. Hes not gonna go but I really worry that hell do sumthing again. sumthing wth pills or the nife in yoongis bag.

today was a good day I guess? but I fucked it up. I always fuck it up. maybe hoseok will feel better tumurow? I hope so. I dont liek it when hes mad at me. if hes mad he mite hate me.

I just love him so much diahry.

Hoseok let his breath out in a sigh, one that got trapped in his throat and rasped as he did. He still had the notebook held tightly in his hand and he wanted to put it down but he couldn't seem to do so. It felt as heavy as an anchor and after a moment he finally managed to drop it. The book landed in an open mess of pages at his feet but that wasn't enough, it was supposed to be in the bag. So Hoseok hunkered down to pick it up and with shaking hands he managed to slip it back into the bag. Why was he shaking like this; in the fingers so that he couldn't seem to pull the zip over and close it again? Why had Taehyung's words caused this horrible sensation to course through him?

Taehyung had confessed his love just like he had done many times in his own diary that he had read to Doctor Lee; that they had done countless times to each other's faces. So what was it about the scribbled words that caused this strange heaviness?

"I would die..." Hoseok repeated under his breath, reaching up to touch his throat as he did. He felt his pulse thumping away under his skin and he had to close his eyes because looking at the bag was enough to make him feel nauseous. "I know I would die." His eyelids were burning and he realised that there were tears threatening to well up behind them so he reached up and rubbed at them roughly. His legs didn't exactly feel steady so he sat down before they ended up failing him, ass thumping on the old leather backseat.

What had Taehyung done to deserve someone like him? Someone selfish and bitter and always thinking about bad shit, always dragging him down if he said the wrong thing? Taehyung deserved better than him and he was too naïve and stupid to even realise it. It was his fault that Taehyung had killed his father, because he had made him think about his family. It was his fault that Taehyung was so scared of telling him things, because his lover was terrified that he would get sick of him.

And just this morning he had wished that Taehyung hadn't told him that he had been raped by his father.

There were many thoughts going through his mind but the one that he kept coming back to was: I'm a piece of shit. Hoseok groaned and reached up to press the heels of his hands against his brow. It was no use, pressing down on his skull wouldn't keep the nasty thoughts from racing around his mind like mice in a laboratory maze. He was a piece of shit so there was no point in denying it. Taehyung had told him his most darkest secret, one that had nearly destroyed him, and he had wished that he didn't know it because it felt like a burden. Oh he was just pathetic, once again thinking about himself and no one else. Taehyung shouldn't be scared of being hated by him, Taehyung should hate him instead.

This was all his fault. They would all be back in Seoul with their own lives, working and in school and college: happy. He really should just swallow those stupid sleeping pills and do him a favour, do them all a favour, because they didn't need him. Not at all, he was just fucking baggage. Only when he was cut out like cancer, or dropped like jettison, would his friends really be able to see how useless he really was and move on with their-

"Hey," Taehyung said as he popped through the doorway, leaning against the frame as he did. His sudden arrival caught him by surprise and he dragged his eyes away from the bag to look at him, jolted from his thoughts back to reality. "We're gonna go to the skate park, me and Kookie and Badass, you wanna tag along? Kookie found a board earlier, we're gonna get Badass to try and do some tricks."

Hoseok felt the most pressing urge to wipe his hands on his clothing, like he had dirt on them and he hated the sensation. Yet he couldn't stop himself from doing it by running his palms along his jeans. If Taehyung noticed that anything was amiss he didn't show it, he just looked at him with that same soft smile that he just knew would widen when he said yes to him. But would it be smart to say yes to him? Something was telling him that maybe it was time to finally talk to the others about what had happened, about his thoughts and his diary, about Taehyung and the lighthouse, about how he couldn't stop thinking about death over the slightest thing. It was getting out of hand again, this disgusting compulsion to lie and hide things away from them all even if he felt that he was fucking everything up.

But then he thought about what he had just read in the notebook.

Taehyung didn't like feeling and knowing that he was mad at him. After yesterday's horror fiasco with the lighthouse was it a good idea to say no to him? It would look like he was still upset, that he might just hate him like his lover had been fearing. He could say yes and tag along, he supposed, just to let him know that everything was alright between them. Nothing was stopping him telling the others in the evening. He could pull Namjoon to the side and tell him that he needed to speak to them when Taehyung was asleep, could finally get this horrible weight off of his chest.

Yes or no had never held so much importance to him before.

"Hoseok?"

His voice brought him out of his heavy musings and Hoseok realised that he hadn't given him an answer. He had gotten distracted and had stared off into space instead, and a quick glance at Taehyung showed that his smile had faltered slightly at the corners. Did his lover even have a clue what had been going through his mind just then? Did he know that just a mere moment ago he had felt the most overwhelming urge to kill himself?

"Uh," Hoseok got to his feet and then came back to his senses. The thoughts were still there, lurking at the back of his mind but they would stay away for now. Just for a while before coming back to the surface. "Sure Tae, sounds fun." Taehyung's lips lifted again at the corners at his reply. Oh he had the most beautiful smile, and looking at it made him feel a twang in his chest, something that broke his numbness temporarily. "We should bring Jin's camcorder and film it all."

"Oh," Taehyung's mouth turned into a little 'o' at this and then went back into his boxy smile. "That's a good idea, we totally should." He entered the building and Hoseok felt his eyes dropping to stare at his bag. The zipper was only halfway closed. Would he notice it and know that someone had went through his things, or would he just assume that he had carelessly forgotten to close it properly this morning? Yet Taehyung went past to hunker down in front of Seokjin's holdall, unzipping it and going right inside.

"You know, you shouldn't do that," he said as he watched him, soft smile appearing on his lips as he did. Yes, he was pretty certain that his lover would have no idea that his diary entry had reminded him about the pills in Yoongi's bag.

"Hey, what's Seokjin gonna hide from us, huh? A vibrator?" Taehyung asked as he looked over his shoulder at him, grin still on his lips. After a moment he pulled the camcorder free and held it up to him. "See, no need to worry. His play toys are safe for now." He got back upright and darted walking across the room, fiddling with the device as he did.

"Hey Tae," Hoseok grabbed hold of his elbow and gently pulled him back so that he was standing in front of him. His lover eyed him with interest, waiting to see to what he had to say. "What happened yesterday-"

"I fucked up," Taehyung spoke over him, not even blinking as he did. "I know I fucked up, I dunno why I thought what I did was funny I just..." He shrugged softly and glanced across the room before looking back at him. "I wasn't even drunk, that's the funny part I guess?"

"I shouldn't have yelled at you like that," Hoseok explained. "I know that it was the wrong thing to do I was just worried so I made a mistake." Taehyung told him that he didn't need to apologise and he just shook his head. "I do Tae, I upset you I know that I did so please don't pretend that I didn't." His lover held his gaze with a hard to read expression, eyes attentive and lips slightly pursed. "Just tell me the truth Tae, did I hurt your feelings yesterday?"

"No," Taehyung replied without even blinking, gaze steady. "You didn't hurt my feelings."

"...OK," Hoseok let go of his elbow and sighed. "OK, thank you for telling me the truth Tae."

"Are you OK?" Taehyung asked him, trying to keep his expression neutral even though his tone gave his concern away. He nodded at the question but it clearly wasn't good enough for him, so his lover reached over to grab his cheek in one hand. Taehyung turned his head so that he had to look at him, fingers firm but not tight. "Y'know, I like the truth too."

"I was just..." Hoseok paused and then finished, "I was just thinking about how much I love you Tae."

"...I love you too Hoseok."

"I know you do," he replied, trying his hardest to not gnaw on his lip as he did. Yes, he knew all about how much Taehyung loved him: enough to die. "I just wanted to remind you."

His lover held his gaze for a moment and then he leaned forward to kiss him, first at the corner of his lips before kissing him on the mouth. It was that same soft kissing that he had started getting used to from Taehyung; no longer fast and forceful like they had used to be when he had been drunk and afraid. Taehyung pressed their lips together and then he softly opened his to deepen the kiss. He slowly moved his hand from his cheek to the back of his neck and Hoseok just placed one of hands on his waist until he ended the kiss.

"Yo!" Jungkook shouted through the open doorway. "Hurry the fuck up guys, I wanna see Badass turn into Bustass! Plenty of time for making out later!"