When Taehyung opened his eyes the first thing that he discovered that he wasn't lying inside of the building, perhaps on one of the leather car seats or sharing the settee with Hoseok. Instead he found that he was still in the flatbed of the car. He could feel a backpack under his head as a makeshift pillow and a blanket strewn over his curled up body, and for a few seconds he just blinked languidly and tried to recall why he was here. It was surprising how strangely comfortable it was lying on the metallic flooring of the flatbed but he was used to discomfort after all. His friends were used to sleeping on mattresses their entire lives so they had probably found the sudden pattern of cramped car seats, concrete flooring and metallic flatbed hard to adjust to. Not him, Taehyung was pretty much used to sleeping rough. Having a bed to sleep in for the last year had been something that he had never fully adapted to. It had made him feel vulnerable in a way that he couldn't quite explain, almost too comfortable. The space underneath the bed frame had been enough to break his skin out into goosebumps. Yes, beds and Taehyung didn't really get along and so being back to the basics had made him feel like he had returned to normalcy again. He stared across the flatbed to see the rest of the backpacks and holdalls neatly stacked on top of each other, forming a lazy wall of canvas and leather.

He must have fallen asleep on the ride back to the house, so tired that he had been unable to stop himself from drifting off in the open flatbed. He had managed to nap over the last few days but had always been awoken by slamming car doors or his friends' voice hollering. But not yesterday, it seemed that he really had been tired to have been disturbed. He wasn't really that surprised because by the time they had gotten back to Seokjin's car yesterday it had been getting late, the clouds turning a mixture of oranges and yellows that signaled a summer sunset. Getting back through the thick forest had taken quite a long time and a lot of wandering and Taehyung was actually a little surprised that he couldn't see anyone else in the flatbed with him. He expected that Jungkook and Hoseok might just have drifted off too from exhaustion and the heat of the day, but they must have been in the building instead.

There was a dull ache in the pit of his stomach that he recognised as hunger but he didn't even know if there was food present. Or at least proper food. There would be random handfuls of snacks, rice cakes and other light things, but the pang in his stomach was most certainly not going to be filled by that. It was because he had slept for nearly twelve hours in the back of the car, exhausted from the visit to the national park that had ended up trekking up and down hills, running across dunes and promenades. That meant that he hadn't eaten a full meal in over a day, and his stomach was very much letting him know that it wasn't pleased about this fact.

Running on little sleep from the last few days it was no wonder that he had crashed after yesterday and had fallen into a sleep deep enough that not even his nightmares could penetrate the heavy blackness. Because he had still had them, he just managed to wake up sweating and choking his screams back behind his hands and biting on his tongue to trap them and not scare the others. He didn't know if his friends were aware of this fact but it was true, and every night that he had awoken to find his heartbeat thumping in his chest and his skin slick with sweat he had strongly considered finding those sleeping pills that Yoongi had packed and taking one. But he had always pussied out last minute and stopped himself for fear one of his friends would wake up and catch him popping the pills: Kim Taehyung, yet another addiction to add onto the list. If they had any idea about the nightmares that had plagued him every single night they wouldn't judge, but he was not going to tell them, give them all yet another thing to worry about. They had enough problems without him creating even more.

He sat up slowly, feeling his stiff muscles waking up as he stretched his legs across the open flatbed. A quick glance through the back window showed no one sleeping inside the car, so that meant that they were all inside the building like he had assumed. Taehyung stretched his arms up over his head and he didn't even try suppressing a loud yawn, mouth opening so wide he was almost convinced that the hinges of his jaw would crack. Then he reached over to snag hold of one of the backpacks, finding the hints of a brown paper bag peeking through an open section of the zip. He pulled it free and discovered a few pieces of kimbap that was probably stale and a bottle of fruit juice. Better than nothing.

Taehyung got to his knees and shoved the bottle in his front jeans pocket before climbing off the back of the flatbed, thick roll of rice and seaweed shoved between his lips. His ankles protested at the sudden sensation of weight and his calves also felt tight and sore: the results of hard exercise. He went around the side of the vehicle to get to the door, which had been left open a crack. He pushed it further inwards so that he could lean against the door frame and study his friends.

Yoongi and Jimin were in the single corner seat, both of them somehow managing to fit because their arms and legs were tangled together; Jimin with his face buried against his neck and Yoongi's head balanced on the top of his head. No blanket in sight, but his black bomber jacket was shrugged over them instead; a fitting substitute. Jungkook and Seokjin were sharing the broken settee rather comfortably even though the boy's long legs were hanging over the front because he couldn't fit them on the cushions. Lastly Namjoon and Hoseok were both on the backseat that had been salvaged, both sitting up but slumped against each other's shoulders for comfort.

Taehyung studied them all slowly in turn, peacefully sleeping, and he was once again struck by the sensation that everything about this would be perfect if he wasn't in it. Just like last year after the trouble that he had caused, once again repeated like clockwork. When he swallowed the mouthful of kimbap it felt like there was a rock going down his throat. No, that wasn't true because it had been an accident. It was always an accident, he didn't meant to fuck it all up. It wasn't on purpose. Should he really be punished for an...accident? What Taehyung really needed right now was a new beginning, one that he really hadn't had for the last year. He had been too busy recovering from his alcoholism to really attempt such a thing. Spending every day waking up hollow and aching it had been hard to keep up any form of positivity, especially when combined with the fact that Hoseok's parents pretty much hated him. But now that he didn't have that issue to worry about so much...now he could try that fresh start. Couldn't he?

He deserved this. He deserved something good in his life just like everyone else. After what he had been through for his entire life Taehyung hadn't really thought that he could have something good in the end but he had this: he had his friends. The problem was that he thought that they were far too good for him. Maybe that was the problem, maybe that was why he couldn't accept it all. Because he deserve something good, just not as good as this. This was too good and that was why he kept fucking it all up.

Taehyung finished his snack and stepped inside, taking soft steps so that the soles of his boots didn't make too much noise on the bare concrete. When he got to where Hoseok and Namjoon were sleeping he stopped and looked down at his lover. His head was slumped forward and a loose fall of black hair had fallen over his brow so he reached down and gently brushed his fingers through it. As soft as always, warm and silken against his rough fingertips. Hoseok didn't stir in his sleep at all and he was glad because he didn't want to wake him up. He bent forward to press his lips against the crown of his head and he felt his own hair falling into his eyes.

That was when he was hit by a sudden idea.

After some searching Taehyung found what he was looking for in the flatbed of the car, hidden away in one of the bags because the tools hadn't been used in days. He had last caught sight of Jungkook and Jimin playing around with the one tool in particular that he was looking for, trying to carve into the chunks of plywood with it. It was a Swiss Army Knife, pretty much useless save for the blade and can opener. Taehyung climbed back down, boots thumping in the grass as he did, and then he went over to the driver-seat window. He had to fiddle with the side mirror a few times to get a good angle to check his reflection with and then he lifted the knife up and studied it. The early morning sunlight danced along the blade, just two inches or so in length but wickedly sharp. He prodded the tip with his forefinger and didn't feel a thing yet he watched blood well in a bead on the pad of his finger. Taehyung eyed this and then looked back at his reflection. He could barely see his own face under his dark fall of hair and that was what made him seize a handful and start cutting at it with the blade.

He had never cut his hair with a knife before, he had usually used scissors for the challenging task. But even with scissors the result had always been blunt and choppy because he had cut his hair on diagonals without a single care for what it looked like. So long as he had been able to see in the past that was all that had mattered. At least using scissors had made the task not only easier, but also it had been painful. He quickly discovered that despite being wickedly sharp the blade couldn't simply slice through his hair because it was too thick in handfuls. Instead he had to keep hold of it tightly in his fist and saw with his other hand, the resulting motion pulling on his scalp and making it burn slightly.

Taehyung dropped the first chunk of hair down into the grass and looked at it: a pile of dark hair that he had been hiding under for months now. He grabbed another handful and continued, even when he had to grit his teeth to handle the discomfort. First his eyes became visible staring at the side mirror in a way that he hadn't been able to do so in the past, no lingering strands of hair blocking the view. But he didn't stop there. He sawed at the back, feeling the ends no longer brushing against the nape of his neck but shorter instead. His ears started to emerge, the lengths now closer to the style that he had used to wear it, a little unkempt but not out of control. Yet it wasn't enough.

Taehyung wanted to see his face again.

When he stopped and roughly ruffled his hair, knocking free loose chunks that had been tangled up in the short lengths, Taehyung discovered that he could now see his eyebrows without needing to rake his hair back. There were little pieces of hair stuck to his cheeks like freckles that he would need to wash free, but that didn't matter right now. Right now he was looking at his face and that meant one thing. His friends would be able to look at it too, and Hoseok. He stared at his reflection and felt a strange sensation run through him. He couldn't figure out where it came from, what it actually was, but it made him feel like smiling. It wasn't exactly a fresh start, a new beginning, but he felt lighter now. No more hiding behind a curtain of hair rather than look at people. A physical weight had been lifted and it almost made him feel like a spiritual weight had been lifted too.

Whilst in the shower Taehyung took advantage and cleaned his tee and underwear under the stream, not able to clean his jeans because he only had a single pair. Sometimes he could still catch the faintest hints of the scent of the sea trapped in the denim, a reminder of the day on the beach. Now that he had clean skin and hair that no longer irritatingly got in the way, he let his skin dry in the warmth of the morning air and sorted the line out. He folded the clean clothes up and placed them in the flatbed so that he could hang the wet clothing up instead. Taehyung was in the act of knotting his boots up in the flatbed, leg cocked up so that he could balance his chin on his knee of his jeans, when Yoongi stepped out of the building. His friend was rubbing at his eyes roughly, cigarette dangling between his lips already in preparation to be lit. He dropped his arms with a groan and that was when he caught sight of him; squinted at him dumbly from under his heavy lids. Then he pulled the stick free and pointed it at him.

"Something's different," Yoongi said sarcastically. Taehyung felt a bead of water running down his neck and along his spine as he knotted the laces tight. "You lost weight, didn't you?" He retorted that it felt like he had and this made his friend smile as he stuck the cigarette back between his lips. "Should've shaved it all off, would've been fucking hilarious to wake up and see that."

As the rest of his friends woke up, all staggered over the time frame of perhaps half an hour, Taehyung was to find that his sudden change in looks attracted much attention. Seokjin told him that he looked so much better now, that they could all see his face again. Namjoon joked that he had been thinking of cutting it all off whilst he had been asleep but he had beaten him to it. Jimin demanded he be allowed to snap a Polaroid photograph of him and Jungkook reached over and ruffled his hair as if he was a pet dog. Hoseok was the last to wake up and he only did so because Taehyung went inside the house and sat down on the broken settee beside him. His weight sinking into the cushion made him shift and he felt his lover's head brush against his upper arm before Hoseok sat upright and rubbed at his eyes. He asked him what time it was in a sleepy mumble and so he explained that it was 9am. He lowered his arms and glanced at him for a moment before looking across the interior of the building. Then he seemed to realise, just like Yoongi and his rather delayed reaction, and he twisted to look back at him.

"...Oh," Hoseok said before letting out a soft laugh. "I didn't expect...this." He gestured with a hand at his own hair, messy with sleep.

"Neither did I," Taehyung explained with a soft smile. "But I was bored so I thought, why the fuck not?"

"You look good, I mean, it's not that you didn't look good already but-" Hoseok stopped talking for a moment to collect his thoughts and stop babbling on, clearly still sleepy. "It's nice being able to look at you again Tae."

"It's a crime to hide a face this good, huh?" he joked, making him smile in agreement. "Shame I need to buy sunglasses now..."

From outside came the sound of the shower water pattering down, the droplets hitting the cubicle and the bamboo flooring in a constant drone, and the faint sound of their friends talking amongst each other. Taehyung felt that he should break the silence and yet he didn't want to. He liked the fact that he could be silent in his company like this and not feel the need to make a stupid wisecrack like he did with everyone else. It was only natural that he did feel comfortable considering everything that they had been through. He supposed that falling asleep naked in some else's arms after drawn-out bouts of lovemaking made silences very familiar.

"Are you OK?" he asked after what must have been several minutes of silence.

"Me?" Hoseok raised his eyebrows at this and then glanced across the building. "Yes, I'm fine."

"You've been very quiet again," Taehyung explained. "Maybe the others didn't notice it but you have. You're back to a couple of dozen words a day and nothing more, you barely speak." His lover said that there wasn't much to talk about these days, his words hinting that maybe a lot of conversations would be like stepping on eggshells. He was probably right, for it was difficult to talk about important things right now. But it didn't stop everyone else from mundane small talk to keep the air light and not tense.

Taehyung could sense by asking him if he okay he had made Hoseok uncomfortable and that wasn't the greatest sign. He was pretty certain that he was going into a slump again, but a slump was not necessarily a relapse. It made sense that Hoseok would feel uncomfortable and dark thoughts right now, just like they all currently were. Hoseok just wasn't allowed to let those fleeting emotions grow too strong and take over again. It would start with the slightest bit of negativity and then it would fester and fester until he was voicing suicidal urges and having breakdowns again just like his last relapse.

"I just want you to know that I'm here for you, I always have been but the last few days were kinda fucking crazy. But not now, I think I'm back for good now."

"Back?" Hoseok asked softly. "When exactly did you go away?"

They both knew what he had meant by this of course, the near week of mute meditation and crying, the nightmares and the sleeping pills. Taehyung was back to something close to his old self, except this time he felt like he might just finally not have cracks running through his surfaces. He felt like he could start again, as fresh as he possibly could, it just meant purging the last of the badness out and replacing it with goodness instead. These last few days he had been doing that, and he just had a little left to rid himself of.

Taehyung was purging his system of toxins and he was no longer being poisoned to death by his own thoughts.

"Hey," Taehyung glanced over the building to see Seokjin stepping inside. "I was thinking today that we go to a café," he said as he leaned against the open door frame. "Just spend a little while being able to talk and enjoy each other's company rather than run through forests like The Lost Boys. Sound good?" They both confirmed it did with a nod. "Then we'll leave when everyone's ready."

The visit to the café was a pleasant one, a strangely long needed few hours just spent without being on the roads or trekking around the wilderness of national parks and abandoned skateboard parks. The café was a medium-sized store that didn't have many customers inside, which worked in their favour. There was no table large enough for seven and so they had to use two close tables instead: Taehyung, Hoseok, Namjoon and Jungkook on the booth beside the window, and Seokjin, Yoongi and Jimin directly beside them. Seokjin had left his camera in the car but Yoongi had brought his trusty Polaroid camera, which had taken a few drops over the course of yesterday and as a result there were a few deep cracks in the plastic.

They didn't end up fulfilling Seokjin's wish about conversations beyond the obvious chatter that Taehyung had expected. No talk about personal feelings: depression, self-harming, illnesses. There was just the usual light hearted talk about college and the kind of shit that Taehyung couldn't relate to because he had never stepped foot on a college campus for longer than ten minutes to harass Seokjin in the past. Jungkook spoke sparsely about his upcoming last year of high school and when asked about if he had made any friends he had burst out laughing and said he already had friends and he didn't need any more. There was no talk about jobs, which they would most likely be fired from, nothing about families for the boy's sake. Taehyung didn't want to talk about families either, about Hoseok's in particular. They would never want to see him ever after he had dragged their son off across the country again and he knew it. Going back to Seoul was not going to be good for him in anyway, which was probably why he was desperately hoping that he never had to do so.

It was a childish wish but he still prayed for it to happen, fingers crossed tightly under the café table.

Yoongi took several shots over the course of the three hours they spent in the café, not as many as usual because there was no great changes in scenery to document, no pretty birds and butterflies. There was just them but Taehyung thought that they would look so much better in the album anyway. Like a shot of Jungkook with the red and white striped straw between his lips as he blew bubbles in his milkshake when he thought they weren't looking; or the way that the sunlight from the window fell across Namjoon's face as looked out at the slow roll of traffic. There was Jimin and his always sunny smile for no reason at all to see through the viewfinder, and the sight of Seokjin just looking at peace for a little while rather than worrying. Even Yoongi himself, who usually avoided being on the other side of the camera, could make a beautiful shot if he allowed one of them to take hold of the camera. And Hoseok...well Hoseok was just as perfect as always. Even if he stayed quiet and just said the occasional few words when a question was aimed his way. That didn't change a single thing.

Taehyung thought that his lover was in dire need of a visit to Doctor Lee but that was not an option right now. Hoseok might not have her but he had them, even if they weren't psychiatrists they could still listen. They could listen in a way that his diary could not for at least they could comfort him with words too and not just blank margins. Yet he went straight back to the diary when they got back to the home and spent hours pouring over, writing until the side of his hand was smeared with ink and he had to stop and massage his aching wrist.

Taehyung watched him because he had nothing else to do for Jungkook, Jimin and Yoongi had went off for a walk as a trio for the afternoon hours and Seokjin and Namjoon were outside cleaning the car down. AS a result of the day on the beach and driving along dirt roads there were great coats of dust stuck to the body and sand caught in the grilles, along with footprints on the leather interior that needed cleaning free. Taehyung had just grabbed the photo album when he had returned back to the home. It was currently open on his lap and he had his back balanced against the broken settee arm and his eyes were trained to watch Hoseok write or sketch on the pages without rest. At some point he must have drifted asleep observing him because he was awoken to the sound of loud voices from the interior. The building was a lot darker than it had been when his eyes had last been open, dark enough to signal that it was the late evening at least. The back of his neck was aching from his slumped over position and he reached up to rub at it with a wince.

His friends were all seated around the hot plate which had a massive metal pan on it. On the walk their friends must have bought a better one because the old one that Seokjin had used had been rather small. Barely able to fit more than two nests of dried noodles inside when they needed at least eight to share a decent sized meal. Jungkook was currently in the act of peeling potatoes with the same Swiss Army knife he had used to cut his hair just this morning, doing so in a slow way that showed that he had never done so before. From the pan there was the sound of bubbling water that revealed that a meal was being prepared. Taehyung rubbed at his eyes and asked them what the hell was going on, and the reply he got was just simply: Seokjin's making ramyun. As usual he found that nothing he had eaten so far into this break tasted even remotely closed to their eldest friend's cooking, even when it had been a rather simple meal. All of them were eagerly eating from Styrofoam cups or just over the pan. It was a pleasant meal, one that was much nicer than stale rice cakes and plain packets of instant ramyun; Seokjin having added soft boiled vegetables to the soup to give it a much better flavour and taste.

After they had finished the meal and everything had been cleaned in the kitchen sink, the hotplate left to cool and pan to dry, Yoongi dragged an old metal trash can that he had found inside had said that they could use it like a campfire. Just like they had last year down in the old subway system. The scent of dead leaves and twigs wafted from it as he splashed gasoline inside and then tossed a match inside. The contents caught alight and made the air shimmer and waver above the sides of the can from the strength of the heat. That meant that they had warmth and light whilst inside the building, rather than the usual pitch blackness that they had witnessed for the last few nights. Everyone was settled down rather comfortably: Yoongi and Jimin on the car backseat like always, Seokjin and Namjoon in the two single seats. Jungkook had no choice but to try and fit on the settee with them or else he would need to sit on the floor or someone's lap.

Taehyung felt Hoseok's thigh brushing against his on the seat, the friction of their jeans rubbing together and the faint warmth of his skin against his as he shifted to try and make room for the boy. With the brushing of his thigh came a slight bump of his shoulder and a moment later his lover's hand was on his knee. He dropped his eyes to study this as if he had never seen this sight before. Hoseok's soft hand, free of scars on the knuckles and his long and delicate fingers curled over his knee cap. He had done so completely unconsciously, the act no different from a hand on the shoulder or around the neck, and yet Taehyung couldn't take his eyes off his hand.

It was the weight of it on his knee, the warmth spreading and not making him feel uncomfortable or nervous again. Like that day on the beach when he had pinned him down on the sand and he hadn't once thought about the weight of his father tackling him to the kitchen floor to choke him. No, he liked this sensation a lot and he lifted his gaze to study the side of his face. Hoseok was smiling at something that Namjoon was saying and he could hear their friend talking but Taehyung was too busy staring at his lips. He had felt them against his just a few times over the last week, enough to count on one hand, and that didn't even seem to be enough for a single day.

Taehyung wanted to feel the softness of his lips so badly that there was the most compelling urge to just cup his face and kiss him. To feel his soft lips against his usually chapped ones, warm and so very perfect. Before he could stop himself he leaned over to kiss his cheek and the sudden contact made him jump slightly.

"Hey, do you wanna go outside and...look at the stars or something?" Taehyung said in a whisper, before rapidly adding that we wanted some fresh air because it was too warm in the building. Hoseok turned his head softly to look at him and he saw a smile appearing on his lips. Then he moved his hand up to take hold of his wrist instead of resting it on his knee, pulling him to his feet off the settee. Jungkook saw his opportunity and he took it, lifting his legs up and stealing the rest of the cushions so he could settle down more comfortably on the settee. Hoseok guided him across the room and out through the ajar door to get to the car, and then he was climbing up onto the flatbed and sitting with his back against the back window. He patted the metallic flooring and Taehyung climbed up onto the back, crawling across it until he could sit back beside him.

"Are you going to tell me all about the constellations?" his lover asked as he folded his arms over his chest, fingers rubbing his lower forearms because it was slightly chill out in the open air.

"Uh yeah sure," Taehyung lifted his gaze to stare up at the dark sky. There was a scattering of stars across the black, the sight of which he was used to now. No more pollution-clogged skies without stars, no tiny pinpricks struggling to be seen. Just a bright sea of lights above them. "See that one up there, the tiny one?" Hoseok made a noise in agreement. "That's called 'Yoongi's dick'." The bad attempt at a joke actually made Hoseok snort laughter and it was probably that approval that made Taehyung slowly lift his arm up so that he could place it around his shoulders. "It's a very rare sight, takes centuries for it to show and when it does it's really not that impressive at all."

"He'd kick your teeth in for saying that," Hoseok replied as he leaned against him, side getting close to his ribs and the top of his head brushing against his cheek. "Tell me another one."

"See that really big one, really bright and kinda painful to look at? That's 'Namjoon's brain', and it doesn't ever go down. In fact it stays up there during the day just to piss everyone off."

"Tae?" He made a soft noise at this to let him know that he had heard him. "You didn't come out here to look at the stars, did you?" Hoseok asked this like a question even when it was clear that it wasn't one at all. They both knew exactly why he had asked him to leave the building and sightseeing was the last thing on his mind, unless Hoseok's bare skin could be classified as a sight. He thought that it very much was, probably the most beautiful sight of them all and he was including the beach and sunrises and the endless stretch of the sea in this comparison. He felt his lover's fingers moving along his ribs through his thin tee and the contact was just as pleasant as it had been on his knee. "Are you...?"

"Am I what?"

"Well I mean this last week or so you've been a little...frightened by intimacy," Hoseok said in a quiet voice. "I was worried about you - not that it's the most important thing of course. I don't care that you've needed space, I understand that and I want you to know that you can take as long as you need. I don't care if it's a week, a month or a year. Or even forever. I want you to know that I only care about you feeling comfortable and safe and-"

Taehyung cut him off by turning his face and pressing his mouth against his. Hoseok tried to continue speaking for a second or two before he realised and he stopped, gently kissing him back until he moved his face away again.

"It's complicated," Taehyung said in a quiet voice, lips brushing against his. "I just needed a little time to...to forget about the past but now I feel like I need more than time. I need to heal the wounds over rather than hide 'em away." Hoseok asked him what kind of wounds and he just ran his fingers along the side of his neck slowly, feeling his lover's soft pulse against his fingertips. "I'm comfortable with this, I want this," he said as he traced his thumb along his jawline. "Just...not too fast."

"Tae, you're in control," Hoseok said after a moment of silence. "I'm all yours. If you want to stop, we stop. If you get uncomfortable, or anything, we stop."

Several kisses later, Hoseok pressed up against the back window so that he could lazily grind his hips down onto his, he found that he needed help getting out of his boots because no matter how much he tugged he couldn't seem to unknot them; just wrenching on the laces until Hoseok realised and helped. It was rather embarrassing and he laughed under his breath, feeling so very much like a child. Taehyung's fingers were shaking as he fumbled at the zipper of his jeans and yet he couldn't look down at his fingers because he was too busy staring at Hoseok. Hoseok stepping out of his jeans in front of him without a single hint of embarrassment, doing so slowly almost as if he didn't want to frighten him. The denim pooled around his ankles and he roughly kicked his jeans over by their boots and the bags.

Taehyung's heart was racing a little too fast in his chest and he wasn't sure if it was nervousness or excitement that was making him feel this way. This was something that he had done on a frequent basis over the last year: nights spent tangled in sheets with the weight of the other man's hips pressing down on his; fingers tangled in hair and digging into skin; little bites in kisses and warm breath on his throat. Yet right now he felt like he had never done this before. It was like his first time all over again, though Taehyung couldn't really figure out what time that really was. His first time with Hoseok or his first time ever? Did that even count? Hoseok got back down on his knees in front of him and that jolted him from his rather pointless thoughts. His fingers went over his wrists and then the backs of his hands so that he could gently help him with his zipper too.

From the building came the softest sound of laughter, seemingly Jimin's judging from the sweet tone and pitch. Taehyung felt exposed right now, in his tee and underwear with his jeans puddled around his knees. Maybe they shouldn't do this? Maybe they should just stop and go back inside, fall asleep snuggled under one of the blankets instead? Yet he wanted this, he knew that he did even when he was shaking so badly.

Hoseok's fingers ran along his thigh and then he pressed his palm down on his erection, slowly stroking him through the thin material of his underwear. Taehyung felt the most pressing urge to gnaw on his lip and he did so, teeth snagging his lower lip tightly. He reached over tentatively to place his own hand on his lover's thigh, keeping it in place. Hoseok asked him if he felt okay, if he wanted him to stop and he shook his head because he couldn't possibly speak. The warmth of his palm through the material as he ran it along the length of his cock was maddening and so Taehyung ended up pulling his underwear down so that he would take him in hand instead. Hoseok did, and he slowly pumped his wrist along the length of his cock, rubbing his thumb along his head in agonisingly slow whorls.

Taehyung moved his own fingers up his thigh until he was slipping his hand down the waistband of his lover's underwear. He wrapped his own fingers around him, tight grip as he experimentally moved his wrist. Then he pulled his hand free to spit on his palm and he took Hoseok in his hand again. He tried several soft pumps of his wrist before jerking hard and pressing his thumb down against his head, making his lover gasp in surprise.

Hoseok wrenched down on his underwear as fast as he could with his free hand, breathing unevenly as Taehyung carried on stroking him to full hardness. He managed to free himself and then he was shifting, back against the back window as he spread his thighs open for him. The sight of his skin, smooth soft skin and his parted lips as he let out a little gasp, was enough to drive Taehyung over the edge. He felt himself leaking over Hoseok's hand and then his lover was smearing his cum on his entrance, slipping his own fingers inside of himself with a soft moan. Two fingers slipping up to the knuckle and then out again, Hoseok stretching himself as he controlled his pumping fist with his other hand, Hoseok telling him that he wanted him inside as he added a third finger and carried on smearing his leaked cum on his skin. The sight of his fingers slipping inside of him made Taehyung's cock twitch and sent throbs of pleasure up into the pit of his stomach. So Taehyung moved forward to get between his thighs and he knocked his hand aside to seize hold his own erection. He rubbed the head of his cock against him, tracing the backs of his fingers until Hoseok pulled them free and let him nudge against his entrance. He couldn't stop himself from thrusting forward, head slipping inside of him.

"If it hurts I'll stop," he said, hands gripping onto his thighs tightly. Hoseok told him that it was fine, that it didn't hurt him even as his brow quivered and seemed to suggest otherwise. He said that he trusted him and he knew that he wouldn't hurt him. Taehyung just hoped that he was correct as he carried on lightly slipping his head in and out of him a few times to get him used to the sensation before going deeper. This allowed him to press their foreheads together, to feel Hoseok's breath against his lips as he grabbed hold of his biceps, fingers wrinkling the sleeves of his tee. Taehyung let go of his thigh with one hand to press it against the back window, cool glass against his palm as his nails scratched at it. Then he turned his head slightly to kiss him, slipping deeper inside of him when he parted his lips and opened the kiss. He knew that wouldn't last too long because the sound of Hoseok moaning into his mouth, his tongue brushing against his and his teeth snagging on his lower lip, was enough to make him start to get lost in his pleasure.

Taehyung felt Hoseok's fingers shifting from his biceps to go to his back, slipping under his tee so that his nails could dig into his skin. He was in so deep that he wasn't really thrusting anymore rather just rocking against him, grinding their hips together and feeling his hot tightness around his cock. Oh Hoseok felt so good he couldn't believe that a person could feel this way. It was enough to make his own body start to shake and he couldn't help pulling out slightly and then slamming his hips forward again harder. Each thrust made Hoseok's back slide up the glass, thighs shaking as he let out strangled little cries of pleasure.

"Does that feel good?" he asked breathlessly against his mouth. Hoseok just moaned in response as he rolled his head back against the window, own hips bucking upwards and against him. His nail dug down deep into his skin, not enough to hurt but rather just burn slightly as he scratched down his spine. He rocked a little faster and felt his pleasure starting to burn, starting to make him gasp for air as his heartbeat got faster and faster.

Before he could help himself he was grabbing hold of Hoseok's hips and shifting him, getting him onto a better angle so that he could rock in rhythm with his pulse. He could feel it all over his body like a wave, an increasing throb from the base of his cock all of the way up into his brain. His fingers squeezed at his thighs, hips pounding against his and making the car creak and rock from his frantic movements. Hoseok buried his face against his neck to mute himself, cries of pleasure and hot breath against his skin as he ejaculated on the lengths of his own tee-shirt. He felt him shiver in pleasure and tighten around his cock and Taehyung carried on rocking shallowly until his own orgasm hit him; that hard crashing wave that made his vision cut to white and his eyes roll upwards, moaning into Hoseok's hair so that he could feel the silken strands against his lips. He slipped in deep and rode his orgasm out to the sensation of Hoseok's eyelashes and breath on his throat. Then he was collapsing down onto the flatbed with a heavy sigh, head too light and filled with pleasure for him to even feel it bouncing off the hard metal.

"Lover boy?" he managed to say, voice uneven because he was gasping for breath.

"Yes Tae?" Hoseok asked, the sound of him shifting to collect something, presumably to clean himself up with. Taehyung stared up at the stars as he felt the last of his pleasure fading out.

"Shit...I didn't know how much I...needed that." His lover laughed to himself and after a moment he heard him settling down on the flatbed beside him, felt the sensation of a blanket being pulled up over his hips. Then he rolled onto his side to look at him, tangling their bare legs together so that he could get closer. He felt like he should say something to him and yet there really wasn't any need to do so. From the building behind him came another burst of laughter, this time several voices at once rather than Jimin's. He wondered if they even had a clue about what had just happened and decided that they probably did. Just like they all knew about Yoongi and Jimin's quick fuck in the forest, they would know about this quick fuck too. Hoseok reached up with one hand to run his fingers through his hair and then he smiled.

"Feels strange not getting my fingers tangled in your hair for once," he remarked as he trailed them down the back of his neck and then rested his palm on the side of his jaw. "Joonie wasn't the only one that wanted to cut your hair whilst you were asleep." Taehyung laughed at this and reached out with his own arm to lazily place it over his waist, fingers trailing along to slip under the blanket and trace the soft dip of his lower back.

"I decided that I just wanted to...to change myself. Just a little, but I feel a lot better," Hoseok retorted it was because he wasn't blinking hair out of his eyes any more. Taehyung ran his eyes down to study his lips rather than hold his gaze. "I needed to change."

"Change? What do you mean?" his lover asked in a quiet voice, thumb lightly brushing along his cheekbone.

"I'm tired of being fucked up..." he explained. Hoseok's thumb stopped moving along his skin for a moment and he felt his gaze studying his face. "I'm sick of the nightmares and the...the memories and all of that shit in my head trying to ruin me." More laughter came from the building, everyone inside likely warm and smiling. Even with Hoseok's legs within his and the blanket over him Taehyung almost felt a chill on his skin. "You don't even understand, none of you do 'cos there's so much shit that I've buried over the years that I never told you all about."

"What do you mean?" he asked in a quiet voice. "What are you talking about Tae?" Taehyung lifted his gaze to hold his eyes. Right now he had been presented with the perfect opportunity to say something to him. He could tell him about all of those childhood years that he had numbed with alcohol and nights of lying in gutters crying and wishing that he would just hurry up and die to no avail. The nightmares, the screams that he had muted behind his hands for many nights now. Perhaps Hoseok sensed something coming from him and so he quietly told him that he could trust him, that he didn't need to be scared and that he could tell him anything.

"The first time it happened I can remember it all clearly, not the other times, those are kinda fuzzy but I remember the first. It started with an argument just like always, back then they were always arguing." Taehyung didn't need to explain that he was talking about his parents because he knew that Hoseok understood what he was talking about.

"So I was in my bedroom," he continued. "And I could hear it all downstairs, the yelling, the cursing and then my mom screaming. Y'know, when we were kids and we learnt about earthquakes drills and they told us to hide under the tables? Well that night I was lying under my bed 'cos it felt like a fucking earthquake. I heard her screaming "fuck you Taewoo you don't touch me like that! You don't touch me!" and him yelling back "I'll treat my woman however I fucking want!"" Hoseok made a soft noise under his breath at this, that of disgust. "So it spiraled outta control and next thing I know I heard the door slamming shut, car engine sounding: my mom had ran away for the first of about a hundred fucking times. And that meant that I was left alone in the house with him."

Taehyung stopped talking and studied his lover's face to see that Hoseok had no clue. He was looking at him intently, waiting for him to continue and yet he wasn't sure if he could. This was something that he had never spoken about aloud before and he didn't think that it was going to flow perfectly or smoothly. He was going to stumble and get confused and say it all wrong, he just knew it. So he told him that he needed to keep this part a secret, to not tell a single soul no matter what. Taehyung even lifted a finger and pressed it against his own mouth before placing it on his. Hoseok confirmed that he would and he saw his expression shift slightly at the fact he had made him promise like this. Was he suddenly aware of the fact that he was going to hear something that no one else had, something that he had suppressed so deep down inside of him until his father attacking him had dragged it right back to the surface once more? Would Hoseok regret hearing this...or would he regret telling him about it all?

"I heard him coming up the stairs. He was yelling as if my mom was still in the house and she was arguing back. He probably thought that she was, he was so fucking wasted. Either way I saw him come into my bedroom, saw his legs and his bare feet from the gap under the bed. He started talking in a quieter voice, telling me to get out but I couldn't. I was fucking terrified y'know?" Hoseok nodded in agreement and he saw him gnawing on his inner lower lip as he listened to him explain. "I was so scared that I was shaking and I couldn't move, couldn't crawl out or even talk to him. So he dropped down and grabbed hold of me, pulled me from the bed by my fucking ankles. He was slurring about my mom, so drunk he was drooling and rocking from side to side. I can remember the stink of the booze he used to drink, this really cheap shit. Even I wouldn't touch that, when I had still been...been drinking I wouldn't touch it. I couldn't ever touch it without thinking of him. He told me that I needed to be punished."

Taehyung paused for a moment and then he moved to get closer to him. He had to get closer so that he wouldn't have to look at his lover's face when he said this part.

"And that's when he...he fucked me," Taehyung managed to say in a voice barely above a whisper, lips against his ear. He felt Hoseok stiffening in his arms at this. His soft arms suddenly felt wooden, shoulders tensing up as he took a sharp intake of whistling breath. But he was wrong, he had said it wrong and he needed to explain himself better. "No he didn't fuck me, he raped me. Right there on the floor of my fucking bedroom with my face pressed against that disgusting carpet."

He could hear his lover breathing unevenly and yet he couldn't stop talking. It was all coming out now, unraveling from his lips like he had tugged hard on the strings of his memory and let it all fall apart.

"He told me that it was all my fucking fault that they were fighting and that my mom never loved me and she would never believe me if I told her. I was so scared. And it hurt Hoseok, it hurt so fucking bad I can remember it now. I'll never forget it 'cos it was the worst. I could deal with the beatings and the yelling and all of that shit but Hoseok, I can't even explain it. I felt like I was gonna die. I was crying and screaming and he didn't fucking stop and-"

"Tae-"

"And when it was over he gave me that stupid fucking lion plush and told me to go to sleep and be a good boy," Taehyung finished, mouth pressed up against his hair.

Hoseok was crying, he could hear and feel him crying and yet there wasn't even tears stinging under his lids. He had already cried enough about this in the past to cry again. Here it was, right out in the open, a gaping flesh wound laid bare and he didn't even feel anything. Taehyung had always expected that he would be crippled with self-hate and disgust, stomach clenching and skin turning ashen and clammy, that he would choke on his words and yet he hadn't. He was just...numb.

"He left me there, bleeding and torn up and fucking terrified and I never told her. Not once. Not once outta seven fucking times that it happened and then I ran away to get away from him. I couldn't sleep in my bed anymore 'cos I was always scared that he'd come in and get me, that he would press my face against a fucking pillow and that maybe I'd get lucky and he'd actually kill me during it all. I couldn't look at that lion plush without breaking out into a sweat and remembering his breath on my hair as he told me to be a good boy. That's why I ran away. That's why I was always fucking wasted, 'cos trying to sleep when I was sober meant lying there and just waiting for him to come and get me in my sleep. Even when I wasn't in the house any more I just knew that he would come and get me somehow." Hoseok tried to speak to him but he couldn't catch his breath and get any words out, hiccuping instead. "Do y'know how long it was before I let a guy fuck me for cash?"

"Tuh-Tae, don't-"

"A month," he said, shifting to press his cheek against the top of his head and pull him closer. Hoseok buried his face against his chest but this barely muted the noises coming out of his mouth. "I let him fuck me and I called him daddy and I had enough food to live on for three weeks. All of the cash I used to make, it had barely been from stealing like I told you all. It had all been all fucking, disgusting fucking. It's not that hard calling a man 'daddy' when he fucks you when your daddy already has..."

"Tae wuh-why didn't you, why-" Hoseok pulled his face away and sat up as he rubbed at his eyes roughly. They were still streaming tears however. He saw that he was crying silently now, trying his very hardest to not make a sound even though it was hard because the others might hear him. "Christ Tuh-Tae, we didn't have a fuh-fucking clue." He told him he knew, that he knew that they hadn't and that he was glad because he hadn't wanted them to know. "No, no you should have suh-said something we cuh...could have helped you buh-back then."

They could have helped? A bunch of delinquent kids, bad behaviour and bad backgrounds? There was nothing that they could have possibly done to help him and Taehyung knew this. He knew that he had been fucked from the start and he only wished that he knew why. What had he done to deserve that? How much had his father really hated him to treat him like that? A child, a fucking child without a single clue. He just wanted to know why, but he never would now. There were no answers for him to find out, no semblance of relief to be gained from the end of it all. He would be forever lost in limbo instead.

"It doesn't matter, I helped myself," Taehyung said quietly. "I ran away, I started a new life. It was fucked up and shit but I still did it. He might've fucked me but I fucked him in the end by getting away from him." Hoseok dropped his head and took several quick breaths, fanning at his face with one hand and he did. He hadn't wanted to upset him like this and deep down he felt like shit. But Taehyung would be lying if he said that he wasn't secretly relieved by the fact that he hadn't called him a liar, that he had believed him even upon hearing something as ghastly as this. His father had been lying all along about how they would all call him a liar. What a big fucking surprise that was... "Hoseok?"

"Yes Tae?"

"You still...still love me right?" he asked in a quiet voice. His lover turned to look over his shoulder at him, expression blank and hard to read. "After I told you about...about what happened?"

"...Of course Tae."

"'Cos I was so fucking scared that you'd hate me or something I-"

"No Tae I-"

"'Cos I'm disgusting, he made me disgusting and-" Hoseok shifted to grab his face in his hands but he just stared at his lap rather than hold his eyes, "and I thought that I'd never get to feel something good 'cos it was always so bad, y'know? Being fucked by strangers over and over. I didn't feel anything I hated it, I pretended I didn't but I did. It made me feel sick being with all of those men and if I felt something during it it was even worse. But then you...I started liking you." Taehyung lifted his eyes to finally look at him, now blinking back his own tears. "At first I wanted to...to kiss you and I felt so fucked up 'cos of my feelings for you. Getting drunk made me forget about it all. It made me think that I was brave and that nothing had happened to me in the past. It made me say all of that crude shit and try and kiss you. Then the next morning I'd remember it all and I felt fucked up again. My feelings just kept getting stronger and I wanted 'em all to go away, the thoughts about you, but they wouldn't-"

"Tae, you shouldn't feel bad for loving someone," Hoseok said in a stern voice, holding his gaze steady even when his cheeks were still damp and his eyes were red from crying.

"How could someone love me?" he asked in a quiet voice. "Hoseok, I'm so fucked up. I can't do anything right, I ruin everything I touch and-"

Hoseok leaned forward and kissed him, softly pressing their mouths together and cutting his words off. His hands were still on his cheeks and he could feel his thumb digging into his cheekbone softly he deepened the kiss and then broke it. He whispered against his lips that he wasn't fucked up, that he loved him no matter what, and Taehyung closed his eyes and thought about how perfectly beautiful his lies sounded. One of his hands trailed around to the back of his neck, fingers now able to touch bare skin rather than his hair, his breath warm against lips.

"You made me feel things that I used to hate," Taehyung said, eyelashes grazing against his. "'Cos I thought that fucking was disgusting, but you...you didn't fuck me you made love to me." He felt Hoseok's lips curving into a soft smile against his. "You didn't hurt me, you made me feel things." Taehyung placed his own hand on top of his, keeping it in place on his cheek. "I was so fucking scared that he was gonna attack me, that I would go through it all again and that's why I killed him. I wasn't gonna let him take away one of the few good things I have. So I fucking killed him and I don't even feel bad. I don't give a shit he's dead I'm just scared that he's gonna come back and get me somehow." Hoseok told him that he wouldn't, that he was safe and that he didn't need to worry about him anymore. "Sometimes I dream about stabbing him over and over but he won't die, he's a fucking monster and he won't die but then I wake up and remember that he's dead..."

"Tae?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm glad that he's fucking dead," Hoseok said against his lips, skin and breath warm in a way that made him feel so safe in his hands.