Sleep is something that never came easy for Yoongi.

Like any normal baby, he came into the world crying his eyes out. Despite his exhausting crying and screaming, he didn't fall asleep as soon as he was fed and laying on the chest of his mother. That should have been the first sign of a thousand nights his parents would spend awake and trying to calm him down and getting him to fall asleep.

Yoongi remembers the nights where the tiredness would weigh down his bones to the point where he felt like he couldn't move at all; The nights when he was so tired but still not able to fall asleep that he started banging his head against his bedroom wall out of frustration and exhaustion. He remembers how much he just wished for passing out from the impact, the cries of his mother echoing through the room as the gentle hands of his father carefully pulled him off his bed.

Inflicting pain on himself because of the frustration stemming from being unable to sleep is something that he only learned to control and let go of once he reached his early teens. Until then it has been the only possible solution for him. Every time he'd start hurting himself his father would take him outside. He never yelled at him. He never scolded him. He never made him feel guilty because of his episodes and the way he complicated their life so much. Yoongi is beyond thankful for that.

The only thing his father ever did was take Yoongi outside, wrapped up in his blanket and cuddled up to his father's chest, eyes trained on the constellations in the night sky above them. His father would hold Yoongi for hours, not caring about the coldness or the way Yoongi might have struggled in his arms; Not caring about his own lack of sleep and the malicious calls they received from their neighbors the next morning because Yoongi's crying woke them up in the middle of the night.

Even up until now Yoongi would sit at his opened bedroom window, letting the cool night air wash over him and gazing at the limited stars above the bright city. On those nights he starts missing his hometown even more. The center of Seoul is bright, even during the night, and the stars are not as visible as they were in the outskirts of Daegu, where he grew up.

Yoongi's insomnia gets worse with stress but once he reached his adulthood and stumbled into the world of BDSM he finally found something that worked against all those sleepless nights. The only time, where he would get a full nights rest that was actually restful was after scenes; He falls especially well asleep after Shibari. But in the last two years, he hadn't slept well once.

It is surprising to him to wake up without the sound of his alarm going off while there's already light shining through the gap of his curtains. He also doesn't start awake, no outbreaks of cold sweat, no racing heart, no anxiety in the pit of his stomach, no nightmares – which is all very weird and should worry him but tiredness is still clouding his mind. Normally, he would wake up sometime around three and four when it's not his alarm waking him. Then he would spend the next hours not really being able to properly fall back asleep but this time it seems to be morning already.

And he feels rested. Well rested. It is suspicious.

His consciousness returns slowly, it trickles slowly and it takes some time for him to fully wake up and grasp the situation. The insane warmth around him is addicting, almost seducing him into rolling over and closing his eyes again to drift off into another dreamless slumber but there's something weird. Something suspicious about the whole situation.

Yoongi tries to remember yesterday. He doesn't know how he got home from the office – the office! As if he's been stung he sits up straight so fast that his head spins for a second and blackness invades the corners of his vision. Once he could look properly again his gaze jumps around the room that is definitely not his own bedroom. Now, his heart is pounding erratically against his ribcage, fear is settling in the pit of his stomach because what the hell happened? Where is he? Why is he not fully dressed?! And why aren't those his clothes either?!

His gaze lands on the huge mirror on the door of the closet on the opposite side of the bed. He stares at himself, expression almost terrified with his hair spiked up in every direction as if he went to bed with wet hair. The white shirt he wears slips off his shoulder because it's too big and as he looks further down on himself he could see fine bruises littering his thighs, his wrists – running around his limbs like spider webs.

Just as he's about to literally stop breathing from being overwhelmed by so many things he couldn't explain with tiredness still at the front of his mind one of the two doors in the room opens.

And this is where he almost lets a scream fall from his lips.

That's just... Impossible.

Standing in the door leading into the bedroom, steam clouding around his feet, wet hair clinging to his forehead and a small smile on his lips stands Kim motherfucking Taehyung. How did that happen?

"I'm glad you're awake now. I would have hated to have to wake you up when you sleep like such a cutie," Taehyung says with a teasing lilt to his voice. He even winks at him. Winks. "But I have to leave for work soon and I guess so do you."

Yoongi is at a loss for words. His mind is racing, trying to catch up to why he is even here in what seems to be Taehyung's bedroom and why he wears what seems to be Taehyung's clothes. "You..."

Before he could even grasp a coherent thought though, the younger male has already moved past him and towards his closet. "Look, I know that I most likely overstepped a line yesterday," Taehyung says as he puts on a ridiculously patterned shirt. "But I couldn't just let you break down like that on your own. I just hope –"

"You didn't..." Yoongi interrupts him and his voice sounds foreign to his own ears. Flashes of last night come back to him in waves. He remembers working, he remembers feeling like he couldn't breathe and then he remembers panic consuming every inch of his being. The feeling of being stuck in a room with the walls closing in and not enough air to breathe is so vivid in his memories that he almost feels the pressure around him again.

Everything comes back to him slowly. The tears, the cries and then the voice. Taehyung's voice. Taehyung's voice filled with concern, with care, and with such tenderness that it made Yoongi go weak in the knees. He remembers what he asked of the other and just the memory makes a blush bloom on his cheeks. Everything that happened after he gave Taehyung his consent happened voluntarily and he knows the younger must beat himself up because he might think that he used Yoongi's mental state for his advantage but he didn't.

Yoongi doesn't regret a single thing that happened. But he also knows that this can't happen again. Definitely not.

"Huh?" Taehyung looks back at him with huge, confused eyes. His hands are frozen midmovement, just as he was about to button up his shirt completely.

"Overstep a line," Yoongi clarifies and averts his eyes. He takes a shuddering breath and presses his thumb in the palm of his hand. Solid. It's solid and solid is good, it's constant. "You didn't overstep a line. I consented. I may have been in the middle of a mental breakdown but I wouldn't have given you my consent if I wouldn't have been a hundred percent sure that I wanted to. I don't regret yesterday happening – It just can't happen again. I hope you understand."

Taehyung nods, he could see the movement from the corner of his eye. "I mean, it's obviously your choice. You already know about my offer but after all, you decide what's going to happen even though I –"

"You're right," Yoongi interrupts him and draws the blanket higher over his upper body to hide from the other's piercing gaze. He doesn't know if he would stand so strong for saying no if he would be looking at Taehyung right now. "It is my choice. And I choose to forget about yesterday. I already told you my answer to your offer and yeah, thank you a lot for helping me last night but that was a one time thing. I'm not looking for a Dom. My answer hasn't changed."

"Well, I expected that but I just think – " Taehyung sighs, the expression on his face is unreadable. Yoongi doesn't even want to know what the other is thinking or feeling at this moment. The less he cares about Taehyung the easier it will be to forget about last night. The easier it will be to resist the temptation of giving in to him and his offer. "I think that you need –"

"How are you supposed to know what I need?" He cuts through the younger's words with a hiss. His heart is screaming at him to calm down and not snap at Taehyung but since when did he listen to his heart? His mind has been taking control over his life for quite some time now and his mind keeps supplying him with reasons why he shouldn't trust anyone with this part of himself again, why he shouldn't start getting chummy with Taehyung. "You don't really know anything about me and I'd like to keep it that way."

"Yoongi –" Taehyung is stepping towards him now and Yoongi just knows that he wants to change his mind. That can't happen. It definitely can't happen.

"Sorry-" He stands up, turning away from Taehyung in the process as he scrambles to put on his clothes from yesterday as fast as he can. He rushes to pull up his pants and put on his shirt so that he won't feel so exposed under Taehyung's gaze. "I – Thank you for not letting me alone last night, for giving me the chance to get what I couldn't have in the last two years but I still don't want to be your Sub. It's not against you personally. I'm not ready to give myself up to someone again yet."

Yet. He winces at the opportunity he might have given Taehyung now but deep down he knows that he's not sure if he'll ever be able to give someone so much control over his life ever again.

"Okay," Taehyung nods. Yoongi hates the expression on his face – as if he knows more than Yoongi wants him to know. "If you are ready one day – I'm not revoking my offer."

The younger doesn't say anything else to him, doesn't comment as Yoongi finishes putting on the rest of his clothes and leaves the apartment with nothing more than a nod. Once he's outside Yoongi takes a deep and shuddering breath.

"Everything will be okay," He whispers to himself but he doesn't really believe his own words either.

It's paranoid but Yoongi is convinced that the people on the bus are staring at him. He's convinced that they could tell that he didn't spend the night alone, that he's dressed in the same clothes as yesterday – which is bad enough already. He hates this, hates this so much.

And at the same time, if it weren't for the anxiousness of the bus ride, he feels – relaxed. His mind is more awake, courtesy of getting real nights rest for the first time in forever. Since letting go last night the pressure under his skin has simmered down to a low buzz instead of a deathly grip.

When the bus comes to a stop Yoongi gets off, ducking his head to avoid looking at anyone and slips through the crowd of people as carefully and quickly as possible. He hates the close proximity of people. Big crowds scare him, they make him antsy, anxious and just the thought of so many people around him makes panic bloom in his chest. He learned to manage this fear over the years but it's always there, right there, simmering just below the surface.

Coming to work from Taehyung's place cost him more time than he usually takes to the company's building. He's not late per se but he's also not as early as he usually is. It's something small. Something no one would pay a lot of attention to but it is important to Yoongi. It is important for his routine, his schedule – There is a reason he follows a clear path every day. There is a reason that he insists on organizing every aspect of his life all the time and that is that it takes away the edge. It makes life a little more bearable for him but when those plans get interrupted, when something doesn't go his way then it feels so much worse.

It messes with his head, makes his anxiety spike and the compulsions get worse.

Yoongi hurries inside of the building, brushing past co-workers with a simple nod as he impatiently waits for the elevator to arrive. Even though he's later than usual, he doesn't feel as bad as he normally would. The calmness which came from last night has yet to completely let go of him and Yoongi is not sure if he should be glad about that or not.

For once, it is quite nice to not drown in anxiety just because he's almost an hour later to work than usual but at the same time it will only get harder when the feeling fades eventually. And it will. And he knows that it will be hard to resist the temptation of giving in to Taehyung and the feeling of security he provided last night once he's feeling bad again. He doesn't want to admit it but... but would it really be that bad to give in? Of course, it would.

He sighs relieved as he finds the elevator empty. The last thing Yoongi needs right now is one of his co-workers trying to talk to him. And just as the doors are about to close he hears someone call, a woman running towards the elevator with a stack of papers in her arms.

"Hold the doors please!" Yoongi knows her. One of the assistants on the third floor. She always has something to say, knows every gossip about everyone and everything and Yoongi really doesn't want to talk to her. As discreet as possible he slams his finger in the button meant to close the doors – obviously, this doesn't make the metal doors move faster. But what seems to be getting faster is the woman and in the last second, she puts her foot between the doors to stop them from closing.

Yoongi groans internally and steps as far into the right corner as possible. Still, the woman manages to stand much closer to him than he would be comfortable with. A cloud of her perfume surrounds him. The scent is so strong that it almost makes him dizzy and Yoongi tries to turn his head away from her as discreetly as possible.

"Min Yoongi-ssi," She addresses him, obviously not realizing how uncomfortable Yoongi feels and that having a conversation is really the last thing on his mind. "You just came here? Aren't you one of the first ones each morning? Well, I guess it comes with managing the top floor and being the secretary of the Big Boss, right?"

Even though he should have been used to this after already working here for four years it still feels weird when other employees talk about him without him ever having seen them before. But at the same time, it surprises him again and again because just how long it will be until someone else than the Personal Assistant/Secretary (more like a mix in between) is going to be the gossip of the company workers. Well, save for the general meltdown of almost everyone when Taehyung decides to pay one of his infamous visits.

Yoongi nods mutely instead of answering her. He's impatiently swaying back and forth on the balls of his feet, gaze constantly dropping to the small display while wishing they would just reach their floor faster.

To his demise, the woman isn't really able to take a hint or she's just plainly ignoring the uncomfortable and awkward atmosphere around them because she doesn't stop trying to strike up a conversation with him. If Yoongi would have been on time nothing like this would have happened. If he wouldn't have stayed at Taehyung's – If he wouldn't have even gone with him then... then he would have probably done something very stupid in the middle of his breakdown but still. He wishes to be literally anywhere else than here. Even the possibility of the elevator malfunctioning and literally letting them fall to death sounds more appealing than having to stand right next to this woman for a second longer.

"You manage the schedule and appointments for the boss, right?" She asks, leaning even closer. Yoongi is almost pressing himself into the wall to avoid any physical contact with her. Does she not know anything about personal space at all?

"Yeah," He grits through his teeth. The calmness he felt right after waking up is fading, being replaced by anxiety again. He could feel his heartbeat spike, his hands getting restless as he tries to stay calm and not snap at the woman or push her away violently. Even though it's the only thing he wants to do.

Yoongi hates it when people invade his personal space without having asked permission to. And he definitely hates it the most if someone he doesn't even know thinks they're entitled to touch him – even if it's just in a friendly way – just because they do it with everyone else. Whether Yoongi likes to be touched by even his close friends always comes down to the way he's feeling at the moment. So unfamiliar people touching him is one of the worst things that could happen to him – especially now when he's this agitated.

Did the elevator always take so much time to reach the top floor or is it just slower today to torture Yoongi? Is that Karma for rejecting Taehyung's offer even though he knows he would have loved to take him up on it?

Well, not exactly loved but... Yoongi knows that he could easily reduce his stress level if he would start diving into Subspace again but giving in is not easy. Giving in means trusting again and that is the only thing that keeps Yoongi from accepting.

"Just between us," The woman interrupts his train of thought with her high pitched voice, "Can you leak me when his son is going to visit again? Help the female staff out a little, would you? Like, we all want to see Kim Taehyung in the flesh. He looks like a model – Isn't he a model? If not he should definitely be one, don't you think?"

They're one floor away from the one where both of them need to get off. Just one floor but right before Yoongi could feel relieved for the close escape the woman leans that little bit closer. She closes the gap between them. Just a friendly touch. A hand, pedicured red nails, laying down on his arm.

To be honest, for most people it wouldn't be anything serious. Some males might even feel flattered to be this close to such a pretty woman but for Yoongi this is the worst. He swears he could feel her touch through the thick material of his suit jacket, the shape of her hand burning itself on his skin like a mark that's never going to fade again.

The second she touches him he flinches away, harshly slamming his whole right side into the wall. A shiver runs down his spine and he doesn't care how frazzled he must look, how panicked or even how shocked the woman is mustering him at the moment.

"Please don't touch me," He says shakily, pushing past her the second the doors open. The woman doesn't reply, she doesn't say anything. Yoongi isn't even sure if she got off the elevator but he doesn't care.

He hurries down the corridor, avoiding to look at any of the other few workers already present on the floor. Once he reaches the safety of his own desk and could hide behind his monitor he dares to lift his face again. None of the other workers is looking in his direction, not right now. He catches a few quickly ducking their heads when he looks up.

It was to be expected. It's the first time that he came into work later than his usual time. It's the first time he broke his strict and tight schedule. Of course, it must throw some of the other's off because it's not something any of them would have expected to happen.

Yoongi quickly ducks behind his monitor again. He rubs his hands up and down the top of his thighs for a few times, just until his breathing has become regular again and he could open his eyes.

Well, he might have forgotten about how he left his desk last night. Instantly, his heart starts racing again. What if someone saw the state of his desk? Oh god... This is bad. This is really bad.

He forces himself to take a deep breath before letting his eyes sweep over the mess in front of him again. Nothing on his desk is where it usually belongs. There are pens scattered around, papers not stacked or sorted into any order and the three files he's been working on last night seem to be strewn all over the surface of his desk.

His blood pumps quickly through his body, his hands trembling slightly and he feels the nervous tick of sporadically tilting his head to the side surface again. He bites his lips, presses his fingernails in the palm of his hands and focuses on the pain for a few seconds.

He takes a deep, calming breath and starts slowly. At first, he collects all of his pens, sorting them into the cups he keeps at the right edge of his desk. Pens, markers, and pencils all go into separate cups. Next, comes the papers he did his notes on – those go right in the trash bin under his desk. He stacks the rest of the still important papers and sets them to the side for later. All of the other small things he keeps around get put back into their original place before he sorts through the papers and puts them back in the files where they belong.

The nervousness finally falls off him in waves when he looks at his clean desk again. It does wonders to make the calmness of last night return to his body completely and Yoongi leans back in his chair a bit, sighing before he takes the first file he wanted to finish last night and starts working on it.

Sitting there, fingers skimming over the keyboard, Yoongi really starts to feel the slight ache all over his body. It is not that painful, almost not even noticeable but it's the only thing he could focus on after being aware of it now.

He knows that they must be there, at least in some places. The bruises. Taehyung didn't tie the rope too tight anywhere but red lines will stay at least for a day in sensitive areas. Especially parts of the body that he might have moved a lot while being tied up are the most susceptible to bruising.

Yoongi glances around the room before discreetly lifting the cuffs off his shirt. The skin at the outside of his wrists has lightly bruises already. Purple specks forming on his pale skin. He's always bruised easily and he wonders where else the rope must have left reminders that wouldn't leave for a week or so.

The ache he feels whenever he moves feels welcome. A little like coming home and he feels the desire in the pit of his stomach, the longing, the yearning – the yearning for something he denied himself in the last two years.

For him, Shibari has nothing sexual to it. He knows that a huge part of the BDSM community thinks of being tied up as something sexual, a turn on – Being unable to move, restrained and completely at the mercy of the Dom is the ultimate show of submission. It's the ultimate kind of trust, the ultimate portrayal of how much trust the participants have in each other.

But Yoongi doesn't think of it as anything remotely sexual. Actually, he doesn't even connect anything sexual to Shibari and he can't stress that fact enough. If someone would start doing anything sexual to him while he's tied up he would freak out – just thinking about it makes anxiety bloom in his chest.

Shibari is his way of letting all of his control go, of letting someone ground him. There's something about being completely restrained, having to trust someone to take care of him the right way and to hand over all the control to this person. This something evoked two feelings inside of him. For once, of course, there's a thrill to it. A certain kind of fear because he is at the complete mercy of the person tying him up. But on the other hand, it makes him finally relax. It evoked a calmness in his chest that he usually doesn't have.

The obsessive need to control everything around him is what makes his life so much harder and he needs someone to take control for once. He needs someone to be there for him, to take care of him but the thought of finally handing himself over to someone again terrifies him. It's not like he didn't have a reason for not being in any kind of relationship in the last two years... But then there was Taehyung.

Last night was... He doesn't want to admit it but Taehyung has been right. He needed that. He needs to continue this but even knowing that doesn't change the fact that he's scared. It's not like he's put off by Taehyung or his offer – kind of the opposite actually. Yes, Taehyung can be very annoying but at the same time, he's the only one who actually treats him normal apart from his friends. Taehyung has never once stopped being nice to him, no matter how rude Yoongi was. The younger never pushed him in the past and he didn't do it after what went down between them.

But just thinking about giving so much control to someone away again fills Yoongi's chest with a terrifying buzz of anxiety.

He knows that if he wanted to accept Taehyung's offer he wouldn't be able to settle for a simple D/S relationship. He knows that this is not what he needs. But maybe this is the only thing Taehyung wants from him? Just because Yoongi doesn't think he'll be able to trust someone enough to slip into Subspace without actually dating them, getting to know them doesn't mean that it is the same for Taehyung.

That thought scares Yoongi even more. Taehyung said that his offer will continue to stand in the future but what exactly does that offer involve?

Loving is hard and falling in love is even harder but Yoongi knows that the only way that he would be able to have a D/S relationship again would be if he knew the other person loved him, completely. Yoongi had two platonic strictly scene oriented relationships with Dom's before and one where he had been dating the other man as well. He knows what he needs to be able to let go of himself again, of his control – How to completely trust another person again.

But is Taehyung willing to be this committed? To try and date him? Is Yoongi even ready to try and date Taehyung? Maybe he is. Maybe he is not. All he knows is that he's been kind of infatuated by the younger since the start. How couldn't he? Taehyung may be a little annoying sometimes and he may be the only person who often even goes out of his way to not stick to Yoongi's schedule but at the same time, Taehyung is the only kind of thrill in his life. Taehyung is the speck of bright color in his monochrome life. A vibrant purple between the usual blacks and whites.

Yoongi snaps out of his thoughts with a start. He's been spacing out a lot over the course of this day, almost missing his own schedule at some times which is, frankly, a disaster but somehow the usual deathly anxiety doesn't swallow him. The calmness Taehyung made him feel still hasn't faded from his system and even though he's been spacing out, again and again, he's almost finished with everything he had to do today.

He didn't even take his meds this morning and that usually means that he won't have the motivation to do anything really, the tiredness weighing him down and the sadness making him feel even worse. But just last night managed to make him feel so relaxed, so motivated and so full of energy that it slightly scares him.

Yoongi stops typing – the last three sentences he typed doesn't even make sense. He can't believe that he's completely unable to focus like he usually does and it's even weirder because he doesn't even stress over it. Maybe that's because he's been even more productive today than he usually is. That itself is something that doesn't make a lot of sense but since he's been feeling full of energy he's been working faster than usual.

But still – He still couldn't get Taehyung off his mind at all. Not Taehyung and not what happened between them. He just couldn't decide if that's something good or bad yet.

~

A few days later Yoongi is still thinking about Taehyung. His offer is still echoing in his mind and he's thankful that the younger hasn't dropped by the office since their night together. Even if it might be a bit delusional to think that Taehyung is giving him space rather than just being busy and not sticking to some schedule to drop by, Yoongi still believes that the other is doing him a favor by leaving him alone.

Yoongi doesn't know what to think of that – which is not a first and that's why he desperately needs the advice of his best friends. Or one best friend, the other always gives ridiculous advice like one time, he asked if he should worry about his apartment being haunted because he swore he kept hearing footsteps in the night and his friend literally told him to ask the 'ghost' to end his dry spell for him.

While his other best friend might not stop talking for hours about the meaning of life or the meaning and origin of the word 'hurt'. But Yoongi would lie if he would say that he doesn't appreciate both of his friends when it comes to giving advice.

It's the third Friday of the month which means it's their weekly movie night which has slowly evolved into this monthly movie night because all three of them are stressed and busy because of their Adult Life™.

Yoongi knows Namjoon the longest. The younger male has been going to the same university as him and they didn't hit it off quickly – courtesy of Yoongi being awkward with new people and actually not really looking for making friends but Namjoon was persistent. So was Seokjin. His other best friend had already been friends with Namjoon before and just wouldn't leave Yoongi alone.

It may sound like his friends kind of annoyed their way into his life but it's nothing like that. Both of them had continued to try and befriend Yoongi even though he didn't know how to let them. They never gave up on him, they gave him time, they gave him space and they let their friendship bloom at Yoongi's pace. Both of them took their time to learn everything about him, to be able to read him like an open book at any given time and for someone like Yoongi, who sometimes can't really say or name what he's feeling and what he needs, people like them are very important.

"Want your own blanket or wanna share?" Yoongi snaps his head up from where's he's been intensely staring at the small stain on the carpet below him. Namjoon has settled down to his right on the couch. There's as much space between them as possible, Yoongi pressed in the left corner and Namjoon in the right.

Yoongi looks at him for a few moments without replying. That's something he does sometimes. Spacing out. Taking too long to answer. When he's not under the pressure of work he tends to space out more frequently. His friends are used to that. Thankfully.

Namjoon is only smiling at him, not prompting him to answer, not doing anything but smiling. His dimples are cute. Yoongi likes his dimples. Sometimes Namjoon lets him poke them when he's in a good mood.

It's especially in moments like this that Yoongi is immensely thankful for the understanding nature of his best friends. His problem with being touched has often lead to people thinking he was weird, cold and not really helped him at befriending people. But Namjoon and Seokjin have been different than anyone before – when he told them that he doesn't like to be touched all the time they didn't even ask for an explanation. Since then they always asked before touching him. Always. And they've never been personally offended when Yoongi refused to let himself be touched by them.

This time though, Yoongi thinks it would be nice if he would sit a little closer to Namjoon. "Share I guess," He whispers and smiles when Namjoon immediately raises the fluffy blanket and lets him decide how close he wants to sit to the other.

Yoongi hums, leaning against Namjoon's shoulder and basking in the other's warmth. Their height difference always makes it so easy for him to cuddle up to the taller male. It reminds him of... the night that definitely didn't happen. "What are you thinking about?" Namjoon asks as Yoongi pushes his hovering hand down, encouraging the younger male to start running his fingers through Yoongi's hair.

"I – I just don't know what to do," He sighs and buries himself further against the younger male. Namjoon always smells like all the books he reads. A little of paper, of dust but with something flowery mixed in. Whatever it is, the smell is calming and Yoongi presses even closer so that his entire face is buried in the crook of the other's neck.

Namjoon chuckles at his behavior but doesn't push him away. "Care to share your troubles?"

He's pretty sure that his answer gets swallowed as he speaks it against the skin of Namjoon's neck. The younger shivers as Yoongi's lips keep moving against his neck and he taps his shoulder a little to get him to move away and speak up clearly. Yoongi groans a little – the frustration of the past days over the question of whether or not he actually needs Taehyung lacing his voice. He reaches out, clasping both of his hands around Namjoon's. Despite their pretty big height difference, their hands are about the same size. Yoongi, once again, is reminded of the feeling of holding Taehyung's slightly bigger hands.

He shakes his head to get the image, the feeling out of his head. "Is there a policy against having some kind of relationship with the son of your boss?" Yoongi winces at his own words, quickly averting his eyes from the smirk that's starting to form on Namjoon's lips.

"What kind of relationship?"

"Just one," Yoongi pouts. He knows he could tell Namjoon exactly what kind of thing already happened between him and Taehyung but he wants to have a neutral opinion. An unbiased one. Because if either of his friends knew what kind of connection - and he can't deny the connection between him and Taehyung – he had with Taehyung then they would definitely try to make him accept the other's offer.

Both of his friends know about his involvement with the BDSM community and have always been supporting him with it. Especially because they know how positive this can influence him. Neither of them ever judged him for it and actually started learning about it because of him, so that they could support him properly. But still... Yoongi wants their unbiased opinion on this matter.

"Is there like a rule against having a relationship with the son of your boss or not?" He asks.

Namjoon shrugs, fingers going back to threading themselves through Yoongi's hair. The elder leans into the feeling, concentrating on the way the other's nails lightly scratch over his scalp. "If he's not your boss and isn't working with you I don't know what should stop you," Namjoon says.

This answer is wrong because of two things. First, he might have said he wanted the unbiased opinion of his friends – but he also had a response that he wanted to hear. He wanted them to talk him out of accepting the offer. He wanted them to give him a proper reason for him to not take Taehyung up on his offer and give in to him. Second, his friends were not supposed to know that he is talking about himself and the son of his boss.

"I'm not talking about myself," He whines and just because of the chuckle of Namjoon he knows that he's pouting.

"Yeah, right."

Seokjin chooses this exact moment to enter the living room from the kitchen. A bowl of popcorn is in his hands and he settled down next to Yoongi, eyes questioning before he leans against him after the small nod Yoongi gave him.

"What's right?" Seokjin asks, popcorn already in his mouth and shielding the bowl the second Namjoon reaches for its contents.

"Nothing," Yoongi says at the same time as Namjoon talks over him with his booming voice, a teasing undertone to it. "Yoongi has dating troubles –"

"I do not!" Yoongi interrupts him with a screech but none of his friends believe his – he has to admit – very poorly hidden lie. If he wanted them to actually believe him then he shouldn't have shown such a strong reaction to Namjoon's words. But even if he didn't, they would have probably figured him out anyway. Especially Seokjin, there's no escaping the elder male.

"Oh, come on," Seokjin laughs, a few of the popcorn crumbs land on his shirt and Yoongi immediately gets the urge to wipe them off. The elder beats him to it though. "I know it when you're lying. Your face gets all – like this."

"It does not do that," Yoongi gasps offended even though he tries to hide a smile that threatens to break out the longer Seokjin tries to impersonate his expression. He looks absolutely ridiculous and Yoongi can't believe that he's supposed to look like that when he's lying.

He refuses to accept it. There's no way that he would so easily give away when he's lying. His friends are bad liars but not him. Namjoon always makes a lot of unnecessary pauses between his words and sentences when he's lying, while Seokjin's ears always turn red.

And even if he was a bad liar, even if his face would give him away, it certainly wouldn't look like that.

"Oh it does," Namjoon chuckles as if he read his thoughts and didn't just reply to Yoongi's prior outcry of denial.

"Seriously?"

Both of them nod with the biggest shit eating grins on their faces. "You're kidding me, right?" Yoongi whines and buries his head against Namjoon's shoulder to hide his blushing cheeks.

"We would never," Seokjin laughs and his fingers thread through Yoongi's hair. The sensation is soothing and he relishes in the feeling. "Now tell me what kind of dating issues are we talking about?"

Even if Yoongi actually was going to answer the question (he wasn't) Namjoon beat him to it. The younger proudly retells his personal dilemma involving Kim Taehyung. "Yoongi wants to have some kind of relationship with the son of his boss."

"I don't want to have a relationship with him! He offered..." He trails off, his voice a little muffled against the soft sweater pressed against his face. It smells nice. Fresh. Yoongi loves the smell of fresh clothes because that always indicates that they're clean. Sometimes he likes to bury his face in his warm laundry when it comes right out of the dryer.

But he would never tell his friends about that habit. He likes to keep a few small things to himself.

"So, if you don't want a relationship with him then there is no trouble, right?" Seokjin asks a little confused and there are popcorn crumbs on his shirt again.

Yoongi reaches out to swat them away exasperated at the same time as he snaps at his friends. Involuntarily confirming that there indeed is a problem because he might have lied again.

"Well, maybe I do want to have one with him!"

Both of his friends start laughing at his outbreak. Namjoon even reaches out to pet his hair as if Yoongi was nothing more than a small kid that said something cute.

"Then you're afraid of telling him about – you know?" Seokjin asks, emphasizing the last two words and Yoongi stares at him a bit caught off guard.

Sure, his friends know about his involvement with BDSM but they don't usually talk about it. Not anymore anyway. Not since the incident happened in the past.

But still, Seokjin shouldn't act this awkward when it comes to this topic just because they haven't been talking about it a lot.

"My – lifestyle?"

"Exactly," Seokjin confirms and he winces at the slight huff Yoongi lets go through his lips.

The sandwiched male leans back against the couch. As he glances up, Yoongi catches sight of the TV screen. The beginning of the movie that they were supposed to have started watching like half an hour ago is still paused. He had really been looking forward to the movie. He presses his thumb in the palm of his hand, tilting his head so that he's laying on Seokjin's broad shoulder.

"He offered me that lifestyle," Yoongi explains quietly, his thumb pressing a bit harder against his skin. Solid. Everything is fine. Solid. He takes a deep breath – recalling what he's been thinking about for the past days before finally coming to a conclusion that he's actually going to admit out loud. "But I'm – I don't want to just have that relationship. I want everything including that."

As soon as the words leave his lips his chest feels less constricted. He draws in a deep breath, ignoring the anxiety in his stomach for once. Instead, he focuses on the contentment of finally admitting what he knew from the start. Well, maybe not from the start but definitely along the way.

Does he need Taehyung? Yes. Yes, he does. Does he want Taehyung? That's the question bothering him because he can't really answer it. Objectively speaking yes. Taehyung is pretty, he is kind and he already helped him once. They have a connection but at the same time, he doesn't really know the other.

His thoughts get interrupted by Seokjin's voice. "So – where's the problem?"

"That's exactly what I was asking him – There is no problem," Namjoon quickly agrees to the other's words.

By now Yoongi is squirming in his seat. He knows that they are right. He knows that there's not actually something that would prevent him from having any kind of relationship with Taehyung. Nothing but his own fear. "But isn't it kind of weird? Because I'm working for his father?"

"Does he also work with you? The guy?" Seokjin asks, one of his perfectly plucked eyebrows raised. Yoongi has always been jealous of the other's perfect eyebrows.

"Well, no –"

"Then there's no problem," Seokjin interrupts him with a wave of his hand. "And to be honest, the whole thing would be incredibly hotter if you would be working with him, don't you think?"

"No!" Yoongi gasps, turning to Namjoon for support on the matter. "I certainly don't think that would be hot."

"Actually I think that it could be pretty hot," Namjoon says and leaves Yoongi completely standing in the rain, alone.

"See?!" Seokjin exclaims ecstatically.

"You want to prove your point with the opinion of an asexual who's just messing with you?" Yoongi deadpans. It's always funny when Namjoon chimes in on topics that he doesn't know that much of – especially because he's outstandingly smart in almost everything.

There's just that tiny thing that he just never experienced. Sexual attraction. But that doesn't stop him from always pitching his opinions in a conversation, even though he's mostly messing with everyone when he's talking about sex-related things. It's not like he knows nothing about them, he even tried having sex before but it's just not for him. Still, he often talks like he actually has personal experience on the matter – it's a game of his. When does Seokjin remember that he's just messing with him and not actually agreeing to what he's saying? Yoongi thinks it's amusing to watch, especially when Namjoon then adds his own dry comments in the end.

Yoongi is glad that the younger doesn't think of himself as something damaged anymore, that he isn't hating himself for not being 'normal' anymore. Namjoon taught him more about love and about loving himself than anyone else ever could. And he's such a great example, a role model that everyone could wish for. He went from hating himself, forcing himself to believe he felt sexual attraction to other's to the point that he almost had sex even though it was the worst experience of his life, to loving himself just the way he is and confidently standing by his asexuality.

Anyway, back to the topic. Yoongi releases his bottom lip which has been trapped between his teeth before. The flesh tingles now from sensitivity. He glances at his friends before speaking in a hushed whisper, gaze dropping in embarrassment.

"So none of you think it would be weird or bad?"

"Nope." Both of then reply simultaneously. Yoongi ignores their laughter about this coincidence in favor of further stressing about the situation.

He did not really achieve what he wanted when he asked his question. Instead of finally having a real reason to not accept Taehyung's offer his friends only encourage him to do it. He knows that they have good intentions, that they know how much he could emotionally profit from a new relationship but that doesn't change the fact that he's still scared.

So fucking scared.

It's not like he would think of Taehyung as someone who would take advantage of him, who would not treat him good. But at the same time, he can't be sure about that. He doesn't really know the other male and just the thought of handing anyone this much control over him again fills him with fear.

But somewhere in the corner of his being is still that voice. That tiny voice telling him how good it felt when Taehyung tied him up. How much he actually wants someone to put him in his headspace again.

If it weren't for that stupid fear.

"I'm still not sure," Yoongi whispers, not really sure if any of his friends heard him over the sound of the movie.

By now Seokjin has settled in the other corner of the couch, his feet propped up on Yoongi's lap while he eats all of the popcorn alone. Namjoon has started to card his fingers through his hair again while Yoongi massages Seokjin's feet. Smiling every time the elder flinches because Yoongi accidentally tickled him.

"But what if he doesn't want a relationship that goes beyond D/S?" Yoongi suddenly blurts out during a quiet part of the movie.

Namjoon's hand stills for a second before he replies. "Well, you won't know until you try."

"Just to be sure –" Seokjin says through a mouthful of popcorn. "We are talking about the same son of your boss that you find annoying, right?"

At the mention of Taehyung, everything inside of Yoongi squeezes together once. Just his name makes two very different emotions bloom in his chest. Fear and hope.

It doesn't really help his case here that both of his friends know the other male only as the very annoying son of his boss that Yoongi only ever complained about. "Uhm... yeah?" He winces slightly.

"I mean, he is annoying but I... Maybe I only think he is so annoying because I've been attracted to him since the start? I don't know. Like he's – his face annoys me. His clothes annoy me. His voice annoys me – and all of that because how can anyone have such a perfect face? How do they also look good when they're literally wearing the most hideous things possible? How can they also have the deepest voice that makes me tingle all over? And how are they also freaking rich? Taehyung annoys me because he's literally perfect in every way and that is suspicious as fuck."

Yoongi takes a deep breath, he hasn't even noticed that Seokjin paused the movie again to be able to hear every word that Yoongi has to say.

"Okay, and sometimes he can be really annoying and he doesn't care about keeping everything in order. He always comes in and crashes every schedule I had for the day but apart from that... apart from that I just don't like snobby, rich guys who depend on their parents for money and think they're something better than the rest of us."

"Is he like that?" Seokjin asks the second Yoongi ends his very turbulent rant of Kim Taehyung.

"I guess..." Yoongi trails off. To be honest, he doesn't know if Taehyung really is like that but it's only plausible, right?

Like, Taehyung always visits randomly, he never dresses like business but owns a luxury apartment and is always dressed in Gucci or another expensive brand. He doesn't seem to be working so from where does he take the money to pay for everything he owns? It must be from his parents.

But that's what Yoongi means. He doesn't know a damn thing about Taehyung but there's still a part of him that desperately wants to submit to the other, to give in to him.

"You guess?" Namjoon asks regarding Yoongi's previous question. His expression is a little confused and there's something else in his gaze that Yoongi just couldn't put his finger on.

"Well, aren't all kids from rich parents like that?" He replies with a shrug, ignoring the offended gasp of Seokjin from next to him.

"Sometimes you can be really shallow," The eldest says and there's a hint of disappointment in his voice.

"Yeah, just speak to the guy and maybe he is not like you thought he would be. Maybe he is pretty great," Namjoon shrugs and motions for Seokjin to start the movie again.

Yoongi doesn't know what to reply so he just keeps his mouth shut. He leans back against Namjoon's shoulder and focuses on the TV.

At least he tries to but his mind just can't seem to let go of Taehyung and his offer.

One thing is certain – more like two things. First, he wants a sign from the universe that he really needs to accept Taehyung's offer. And second, he won't be accepting the offer if Taehyung wants nothing more than a D/S relationship.

Yoongi can't believe that he's thinking this but he really hopes that Taehyung would want to try and date him too.