But I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
'Cause I'm only human.
Human- Christina Perry

"This is really good grilled cheese," I state as I sink my teeth into another bite of my mushroom and bacon grilled cheese. "Now, I understand the hype over this place."

"I know," Beckett agrees. "It's like eating your own personal slice of heaven."

"Jesus probably wouldn't appreciate that," I tell him. "Is this worth missing your big party for?"

"Definitely," He says with a quick nod. "It's hardly even a party to be honest. All they're doing is getting drunk and dancing to awful mashups because one of the guys is trying his hand at being a DJ and nobody has the heart to tell him that he sucks."

"Wow, now I'm feeling bad that I turned down the offer to join them, that really sounds amazing," I joke with a small laugh before I take another bite of my delicious sandwich.

"Yeah, it's just a blast," Beckett tells me sarcastically.

"Personally, I'd rather just sit around in my pajamas and watch American Beauty."

This makes Beckett laugh with a big bite of food in his mouth, which in turn makes me laugh. "I've never seen it."

"You've never seen American Beauty?" I say, adjusting my black crop top to make sure that I'm not making a mess on my shirt because my sandwich is really large and I feel like something might fall out of it and if that happens, I want it to be on the plate and not on my black shirt or my lap.

"Nope, I don't think so."

"Kevin Spacey and the girl from Hocus Pocus... ring a bell?" He just looks at me with a blank stare for a moment and I take that as a no. "Well, anyway, it's a really great movie. Incredibly intense and fucked up though."

"My kind of movie," He says with a grin and I laugh again, rolling my eyes at him. "Sounds kind of like Beetlejuice."

"I wouldn't know, I've never seen it."

"No," He gasps dramatically and then a wide grin spreads across his face and I can't help but think that it's a beautiful grin. I know that I shouldn't think that though, so I quickly look down at my half-eaten sandwich so that I'm not looking up at him anymore. "That's impossible."

"It's not impossible, that movie always creeped me out so much that I just never got the courage to watch it," I shrug, eating some of my fries now. "The guy in the black and white striped suit still freaks me out."

"That movie is iconic," He informs me, still pretty shocked about my uncultured mind.

"That movie is terrifying."

"It's not even scary, it's funny. I mean, of course it's a little twisted—it's a Tim Burton film," Beckett explains to me. "You know what, I have it at my house so when we're done here, we have to go back to my house so that you can watch this movie."

"I don't want to watch it though," I tell him with a small laugh. "But I appreciate the offer."

"No, you are culturally unfit to walk the streets of America if you have not seen this movie. If I let you go on with your life knowing that you haven't seen this movie, it will be a public injustice."

"Okay then," I say with a small laugh at how dramatic he's being just over this ridiculous movie. "I guess I don't have anything else better to do."

"Nothing will ever be better than the introduction of the Tim Burton era," Beckett assures me.

"I've seen Tim Burton films before, so it's not really an introduction," I inform him just before taking the last few bites of my sandwich and then I start digging into my fries.

"You haven't really seen Tim Burton until you've seen Beetlejuice," He tells me with a shake of his head and I laugh again just as I feel a hand on my shoulder and both Beckett and I turn to see three middle-school aged girls standing by our table with wide grins on their faces.

"Ohmygoodness, you're JustJensen, aren't you?" The one in the middle asks me.

I glance back at Beckett, apologizing with my eyes because I know that this is interrupting our dinner and our very interesting 'debate' about Beetlejuice, and I feel bad because I know that this is rude but I don't have the heart to just tell my fans to go away because I'm busy. Beckett just shrugs at me with a small smile, silently telling me that it's okay and then I turn back to the girls and smile politely at them. "Yeah, that's me. How are you ladies doing today?"

"Oh, we're great," The girl to the left says and it looks like she's about to cry, which I find to be awkward, when fans cry because they're meeting me, but it's also adorable and flattering too. "You look so much prettier in person, by the way. I-I mean, not that you look ugly in your videos but just... wow. I can't believe that we're really meeting you right now. How is this even happening?"

"Can we take a picture with you?" One of them ask before I can respond to the crying girl.

"Of course," I chirp and then I stand up and the girl in the middle hands her phone to a grown lady that's standing behind them, one of their parents, I assume, and I stand with the girls and wrap my arms around their shoulders, which is my ordinary candid fan picture pose.

"Do you know when you're going to end your hiatus from YouTube?" One of the girls asks me. "Because living without your videos is like living in the Sahara Desert without any water."

"I'll be back soon," I assure her with a small nod. "But I appreciate your patience."

"Really? Like, how soon?"

"Nyla, shut up!" The girl beside her whisper-shrieks and then subtly elbows her side before looking at me and grinning. "Can we get an autograph? Just really quick, please?"

"Sure, of course," I confirm and then I dig into my purse and pull out a Sharpie that I keep with me at all times now because I've met girls that will start crying hysterically when they meet me but have no pen for me to autograph something with and it's pretty tragic.

So they each give me a napkin to sign because it's not like they brought something to be autographed when they came out to dinner tonight and I add a little message to each of them- Nyla, Kenzi, and Rian are their names and then when that's done, they each give me a strong hug before their mother pries them away from me and then they leave the restaurant.

With a long sigh, I sit back down with Beckett. "I'm sorry about that. But we should probably get our check now because there's a strong possibility that we're about to get mobbed with people asking for autographs."

"That happens to you a lot?"

I shrug. "Not incredibly often but sometimes. I just know that once one person recognizes me, it grabs everybody's attention and then everybody is gathering for a picture. I'm going to go to the bathroom really quick, and then we should probably get out of here."

"Alright, that sounds good."

I give him another apologetic look before I stand up from the table again and take my small striped satchel with me so that I can go into the bathroom and put on an extra dab of makeup so that if anybody else does catch me for a picture, I can look nice.

When I return from the bathroom, I see that Beckett got the rest of our dinner packed up in to-go containers and he says, "Alright, we're all set to go."

"We have to pay," I remind him as I start getting my wallet out of my purse.

"I already paid," He tells me.

"Oh..." I mutter slowly. "I was going to pay for my dinner though."

"It's not a big deal, Jen," Beckett tells me with another easy laugh and then he starts leaving the restaurant, so I follow him through the tables to the big glass doors that we entered from a little while ago.

"Dinner and a movie," I say jokingly. "How charming."

He offers me a boyish grin as we get in his car. "I'm just full of surprises."

I just roll my eyes at him and I tell myself not to think much of it. Even though it's kind of date-ish to pay for my dinner and now we're going to go back to his house to watch a movie, probably just the two of us, and I don't mind that much because I like hanging out with Beckett. He's funny and pretty easy to talk to and he's really nice but I just don't want him to get the wrong idea about us because I just want to be friends.

"So you told that girl that you're going to start your YouTube channel up again soon. Are you really?" Beckett asks me on our way back to our neighborhood.

I nod. "Yeah, I'm thinking about it. I'm not repulsed by the idea of Elliot watching my videos anymore and I really miss posting videos. I have a few that I'm ready to post because I've been working on them through the month, I just didn't post them so I think that it's time that I get over myself."

"That's good. Not getting over yourself, I mean, but that you're going to start up your channel again. Are you going to find somebody to be your camera man or are you just going to wing it on your own?"

"I haven't decided. I'm thinking that I'm just going to do it by myself until graduation and then when I get to London, I'll be with a bunch of YouTubers who can help me out with the tech stuff. When I come back for school though, I think that I'm going to actually hire a professional video team."

"That's ambitious, especially if you have college stuff going on."

"Well, if I practice the song during the week, I should be able to go into a studio and film and record everything over the weekend so I think that it'll work out," I explain to him.

"Do you know where you're going for college yet?" He asks me curiously.

"Nope, I'm still absolutely clueless. I've got all of my acceptance letters back though, so I just have to decide which one of the acceptance letters that I want to accept. What about you?"

"I'm waiting for one more acceptance letter and then I'm going to decide. I really want to go to the one that I'm waiting for though," He explains.

"Which one is that?"

"Duke, up in North Carolina."

"Yeah, I know where Duke is," I say with a small laugh. "When we were talking about college when we were at the bonfire, you never mentioned that you applied to Duke. That's huge, it's such a good school."

"Right, I haven't even told my parents that I applied there. It's such a good school that I just highly doubt that I'll get in. I don't want to jinx it by talking about it too much."

"That's very superstitious of you," I laugh and I open my mouth to tell him that I think that his superstitious beliefs are kind of adorable but then I remember that we're just friends and that it's going to stay that way, so I don't actually tell him that. Even though I do think that it's adorable.

"I know, but I'm not taking any chances," He says. "My sister goes to Northwestern though, which is a really good school, so I have to beat that."

"That's taking sibling rivalry a little far, isn't it?"

"Maybe, but I need some bragging rights here. And like you said, it's an amazing school," He explains to me.

I'm about to add something else about Duke when we pull onto our street and I see a car in his driveway. "Are your parents home?" I wonder curiously even though I don't recognize the car as either one of his parents' cars.

"My mom's home but that's not her car," He tells me as he pulls into his driveway and we both curiously walk up to his front porch but then right before he opens the door, Beckett jolts to a stop. "Oh! Shit."

"What is it?" I wonder, feeling a little alarmed at his sudden reaction and then I look around for something that looks alarming but I'm not seeing anything.

"Um, nothing, it's just that I remembered something. And maybe we shouldn't watch that movie today. Some other time would be better," He explains to me, glancing back at the car and then to his front door, making it clear to me that he's just now realized who that car belongs to and he doesn't want me to find out.

"Alright then..." I play along because I don't feel like being invasive and if he doesn't want me to know who it is then I won't persist about it- it's none of my business. "I'll see you-"

I'm interrupted when the front door swings open and Margaret is standing on the other side of the threshold with a wide grin on her face. "Hey, kids! Beckett, you'll never guess who decided to stop by for a visit."

Before Beckett has time to answer, a familiar face appears behind Margaret and I suddenly feel dizzy. "Hey, sport," Kevin greets Beckett. He looks way older than I remember him to be from freshman year but it's clearly him, I recognize his evil-looking green squinted eyes and that gooey voice that used to drown me. I feel like I'm going to vomit.

"Hey, Kev," Beckett mumbles, glancing quickly to me and then back to him and then to his mother, but my eyes are glued to Beckett's shoulder because he's standing in front of me, between me and Kevin, and if I looked anywhere else, I would probably pass out.

"And this is Jensen, right?" Kevin wonders, causing a knot to tighten in my stomach. He passes Margaret and then steps onto the porch and extends his hand for me to shake but my hands are wrapped around my midsection, hugging myself so that I don't fall apart, and I don't have enough strength inside of me to move, to act polite for Margaret's benefit. It's what I should have done so that she won't get suspicious but I just can't get myself to move. "You're looking really good."

"I didn't realize that you two knew each other," Margaret pipes.

"Oh, we go way back. Don't we, Kev?" My freshman sarcasm starts flowing out of my lips without my consent and I feel like I'm in the hallways of our school again, being pushed against a locker, being called a freak. And I feel like I have to fight back and that I can't cry because that was always my number one rule. "And as much as I'd like to stay and catch up, I have things to do at home, like putting my face into a blender or something else that's less painful than this reunion."

I start backing off of the porch but before I get very far, I hear Margaret call after me, "Jen, are you okay, sweetie?"

However, I have the feeling that if I open my mouth again, vomit is going to come out, so I don't respond to her, I just fumble my way down the few steps of the porch and start heading toward my house. I hear Beckett follow me though, and when I feel a hand on my shoulder, my freshman instincts kick in like an old habit- like riding a bike- and I push him off of me as violently as I could.

"Don't touch me!" I snap at him, louder than necessary and my breathing ragged both because of how scared I feel right now and because of how hard I just pushed Beckett. I know that I shouldn't feel scared because even if Kevin is still a giant bully, I know that nothing would happen with Margaret there and I also know that I can handle myself physically now so he can't hurt me, even if he wanted to. But my mind won't believe me, and I'm finding it hard to breathe.

"Jen, I'm sorry," Beckett says quietly so that his mother can't hear what he's saying. "I didn't know that he'd show up like this. Are you okay?"

I don't answer him because I'm too terrified of what'll come out of my mouth if I tried so I just turn back around and speed walk as quickly as I can back to my house.

Once I'm back in the safety of my own house, I lock the door behind me and then go up to my room. My parents took Katy to a gymnastics meet so there's nobody else home, which is fortunate for me because I go into the bathroom and make a lot of noise throwing up the amazing grilled cheese that I'd just eaten at the restaurant and then I start clutching my chest because I feel like my heart's going to beat out of my chest.

At first, I'm thinking that I'm having a heart attack and then I realize that it's most likely a panic attack which I learned in psychology resemble heart attacks sometimes. Without having the energy to move, I just lay on my bathroom floor and hyperventilate for a few minutes with tears falling off of the sides of my face and my hands trembling as if there's an earthquake shattering my entire being. The pure terror running through my veins is enough to keep me on the floor for a good five minutes before I can sit up again and catch my breath.

All of the horrid memories from freshman year come flashing through my head like some sick flip book of nightmares—memories that I've spent the past three years of my life trying to get over, and I've been doing a pretty amazing job at it too, if I do say so myself. But I guess that if Kevin can still get to me like he just did then maybe I haven't actually gotten better at all, I've just been able to trick myself into thinking that I have.

To get myself out of my weird panicked daze, I stand at the sink and splash some water on my face and focus on my breathing so that I'm not gasping for breath anymore.

"Jensen?" I hear Beckett on the other side of the door before two loud knocks echo through the small bathroom that I'm in. My whole body jumps at the sound because I didn't expect him to follow me and I also didn't expect him to be able to get into the house considering I locked the door. "Hey, are you okay?"

"I'm fine," I assure him quickly, turning off the running sink water to respond.

"I wouldn't have invited you over if I thought that Kevin was going to stop by," He says through the door. "I'm really sorry. He isn't an insane dick anymore though, he's not going to mess with you or anything."

"I'm not worried about Kevin," I lie. "I haven't talked to him in years, I'm so over it. So thanks for checking up on me but it's not necessary. How'd you even get in my house?"

"My mom was worried so she gave me the spare," He explains. "What should I tell her?"

"Tell her the truth. That the grilled cheese didn't sit right with me and I didn't want to blow chunks on her porch," I explain, only half-lying. I really didn't want to puke on her porch.

"Right," He sighs, obviously not believing me but he doesn't question it. "Do you want some help? Or should I leave?"

"I can handle myself," I tell him, covering my mouth to silence a sniffle. "But thanks."

"Are you mad?" He wonders. "Because I feel like I shouldn't leave if you're mad at me."

"No, I'm not mad. I mean, why should I be mad? Of course you guys are still friends, he never destroyed you."

"Okay, I'll-"

"Just forget it, Beck," I say quickly. "I'm sorry. I'm being dramatic, I know, but I really just want to be alone right now."

"Okay," He says again. "Okay, I'll call you tomorrow."

I don't respond and then after a minute, I hear his footsteps as he walks away from the other side of the door and then descends the stairs and then, thankfully, I'm alone again.

Because that's when the tears start.