Graduation wasn't what I expected it to be.

Yesterday, Michelle was the only one crying. Our blue gowns were itchy and it was miserable sitting on the football field under the hot sun, baking. The Valedictorian speech was well over five minutes, and I don't remember hardly any of it.

Dylan was a no-show, which has lead everyone to believe he's dropped out or transferred. I don't know which theory I believe.

When we threw our caps up in the air, that was the moment I truly realized that it was all over, all the high school stuff. What a relief.

We weren't able to get our hands on enough tickets for the whole band to come. Only Duff was there, and all I could hear was him and my father screaming my name as I accepted my diploma and shook my principal's hand. It hurt that the rest of the guys weren't able to attend with my schools strict ticket-only policy, but the band was here all day today, at Michelle and I's joint graduation party.

It's over now though. The whole affair took place in my back yard. It was jam packed with people, all of my extended family and some of Duff and Michelle's here too. All that remains of the party is memories-the decorations and tables and even the bouncy castle my parents got for my little cousins is all gone, either thrown away or packed up. The sun's already gone down, and it's gotten a little chilly out. It doesn't help that the only light in the backyard comes from the porch light, which is at the opposite end of the yard, where Duff is saying goodbye to my parents, Michelle next to him.

Axl and I hug for way too long here in the confines of the dark beside my mother's rose bushes. I can't help but indulge myself, though. It's not like Axl minds.

"You looked so pretty today, Chas," He whispers into my ear, intended for only me to hear.

My hands grip onto the red flannel covering Axl's arms, contouring with his biceps as he holds me tight. My head rests in the crook of his neck, and we're swaying a little, even though there's no music. Just the loud voices of my parents and the McKagan siblings, providing as a distraction for Axl and I, even though they probably don't know it.

"I bet you've just been waiting to tell me that," I tease.

It's made me nervous, him being here today. We've hardly touched or spoken, aside from saying hello and a quick hug once he got here with the band. Nothing dramatic, nothing that could reference the last conversation we had in Michelle's bathroom. But still, I know what my whole family doesn't about him and I.

When he shook my dad's hand earlier, when he was being swept away by all my curious aunts, all I could see in my head was Axl and I in his car.

Despite my worries, I still feel dramatically different from earlier this week. Like I can relax, at least as much as possible when he's still all I can think about. But Axl said he's not going anywhere, that there's no expectations of anything. We've cleared the air. The ball just rests in my court now. If I even decide to make a move, I think.

I hope I find the courage. We can't be like this forever, dancing around what we both want. Hiding from the light. God, I hope I pull it together. Turning Axl away fully would break me.

"I have," Axl admits. "I wish I could've seen more of you today."

That makes me scoff as I feel my ears get hot immediately, my mind racing at that. "I thought you said you'd be respectful, William Axl Rose."

As we move softly with the breeze, Axl's arms around my waist, he gasps. "Not like that! I didn't-Chas, I didn't mean it like that. I meant that I wish we could've spent more time together. Some real PG shit."

I'm laughing quietly now along with him, embarassed  by how I was the one who went there. "Well how am I supposed to know?"

"I'm a man of my word," Axl says while meeting my eyes.

Even outside in the dark, he looks beautiful. His hair has been in a low ponytail all day, out of his face. He looks like a Will today, not so much like Axl, the rockstar. He left his leather and jewerly and t-shirts that have "fuck" written across them at home, and ditched them for his button up that covers his tattos and a pair of non-ripped jeans. All of it his way of trying to look like a normal citizen for our party.

"When I make a promise I keep it," Axl nods slightly, his face dipping down a bit closer to mine. He doesn't kiss me though. I know he won't, not until I ask. But especially not here, where we can hear my parents talking about the album with Duff, just yards away.

"Trust me, I know," I reassure.

Although I don't want to, I slowly remove myself from Axl's hold, and he doesn't protest. He knows it's already been too much.

At the same instant that we've completely pulled ourselves apart and put a few steps between us, I can hear footsteps, ones that belong to my parents and Michelle and Duff. The gate that leads to the street is close to where Axl and I have been, and it's where they're heading for now.

"It was so nice to see you, Michael. Your mother and I talk all the time about how much we miss you around." Mom has her arm against Duff's back as she smiles up at him, making him look like a small giant beside her. She's hardly five feet tall.

"Well I know Chas doesn't miss me. She's sick of me!" Duff laughs as he rests a hand on my shoulder. "Her and Michelle have been such a big help with the record, like I was tellin' you. If it wasn't for them, we would've made some pretty stupid choices."

"You're welcome," I smile wide, appreciating him putting in a good word with my mom and dad. I've already told them why Michelle and I have spent tons of time at the studio and practices for months, but I'm sure it matters way more to hear it from somebody else, like Duff.

"Yeah, I know I am," Duff brings Michelle and I in for a hug, each of us getting an arm. I feel his lips peck my forehead after he does the same to Michelle. "I'm proud of you two. You did it!"

"Thank you!" Michelle and I both say together.

His words make my heart hurt. It means a lot to me that he says that, considering his own past.

Duff was such a good student. I remember seeing his report cards with all A's on the fridge when I'd go over while he still lived at home. Everything was so easy to him, it all came so naturally. When he wasn't learning guitar, or bass, or drums, he was babysitting Michelle and I, teaching us how to do our homework. But then he just got sick of it all, I guess. Rock n' roll called more to him than the books, and so he never went back after he ran off to Seattle for three months, doing God knows what. Michelle and I were so sad that entire time he was M.I.A. It was the first time I hadn't seen him for more than a week since I was five years old. Alice was devastated. She was so worried for him once he told everybody that he was dropping out in the sophomore year when he suddenly came back home, unannounced.

And now, Michelle and I have both graduated, and Duff's truly about to make it, even without a formal education. But still, he's one of the smartest people I know.

"I love you, Duff."

"I love you too, Chassy," Duff ruffles my hair once he releases Michelle and I. "And I love you, Michelle," He says. "You're stayin' over, right? I don't gotta walk you across the street?"

"Nope, I'm staying here," She confirms.

We haven't had a sleepover in such a long time, it was overdue.

"Well, we're gonna take off then, right Ax?" Duff looks to Axl, who nods.

"Yep. Bye, Chas," Axl pulls me in for a brief hug that doesn't last anymore than a few seconds. Even though he hardly touches me, I can still feel everything between us, and I can't help but worry if everyone else can too. But then it's over, just like that.

Axl hugs Michelle equally as fast while he tells her he'll see her later. Then, him and Duff are saying bye to my parents before they're walking out of the backyard, to Axl's car. Izzy, Steve, and Slash couldn't stay as long as them today because of their prior engagements at the studio, something to do with their contracts.

When Axl looks back for just a second, it takes all my energy to not act stupid.

"Michael's really grown to be a good guy, huh hon?" My dad says out loud to my mom, taking his hand into hers as they walk ahead of Michelle and I, back up to the house.

"Mhm," Mom agrees. "And that Axl is so kind. I thought Elisa was going to kiss him! She was all over him, all my sisters were."

Beside me, Michelle tries to keep her laughs contained.

My mom isn't wrong-Axl was like a shiny new attraction today. Everybody was practically enthralled by him, wanting to know all about what he does with the band, where he's from, why his voice is so deep. And he was so humble about it all, so patient and friendly with my older aunts as they interrogated him.

Me too, aunt Elisa. I wanted to kiss him, too.

My parents say goodnight to Michelle and I as we all head up the stairs, telling us that the rest of our cake is still in the fridge if we want some of it later. Michelle and I just say okay as we head for my room.

Shawn and Layla were around today too, but they've been in their rooms ever since my parents released them from the backyard, once their friends and our cousins left.

The house is quiet, everything calm again. But not once Michelle shuts my bedroom door.

"Oh my God, Chas."

"Oh my God what?"

For some reason, I know what's coming. And I've accepted it.

Between planning for graduation and our party, then actually experiencing them both, we've been so busy for the last few days. There's been no time to even think about what we both know that Michelle knows, to whatever extent she actually does know.

Not anymore. I know she's going to say it. I'd put money on it.

I take in a deep breath as I sit down on my bed, waiting for it.

"What?!" She repeats, gawking at me. "Chas, I'm talking about Axl."

I can't help but smile, proud of myself, even though it was so obvious.

She's pacing now, walking back and forth in front of my closet.

"Holy fuck," She leans towards me as she whisper-shouts. "I could've cut the sexual tension out there with a knife! It's a wonder I even managed to keep Silvia and Ben and Duff entertained that long, while you were practically fucking him back by the tea roses!"

"We were only hugging," I defend. "You know what, why don't we start at the beginning, from your point of view? What you know," I suggest.

"What I know? Why don't you tell me why there were pictures of you and Axl with your tongues down each other's throats in your bra on prom night?"

I can't believe I didn't realize it sooner. I'm incredibly dumb, honestly. I really am. I should've known that she knew, the second Axl said Michelle was the one to help me take my dress off. I'm forgetful like that, I guess.

"Chas," She says. "You literally handed them to me after whipping them out, and told me you were sorry."

"I don't even-"

"Remember that? Yeah, I thought so. That's why I didn't say anything. I thought they were fake-I couldn't believe it."

At this point, I can't be surprised, too many out-of-this-world things have happened.

"Well, they're real. I mean, not anymore, Axl got rid of them, but they were."

When she looks at me confused, I launch into the whole story of the inception of Axl and I, with Dylan being the catalyst. I tell her everything, from how Axl and I's first kiss happened, to the showdown at the afterparty, and all about our conversation in Michelle's bathroom just a few days ago. I talk quietly due to my paranoia about anyone else finding out, but I leave no stone overturned. Although it's confusing, Michelle manages to keep up. She's patient through all of it, only nodding, and doesn't give me any looks that could indicate her feelings on it all.

Not until I'm done, at least. My jaw hurts now, and my brain feels fried from recalling nearly all the events of my life as of recently. All the ones I kept from Michelle, who's supposed to be my best friend. I've told her everything my whole life, but this. I can't help but feel guilty about it as I look at her now. Of course this affects her, too. And I just left her in the dark.

"Thank you for telling me," She says from where she lays flat on her back on the hardwood, her blonde hair spread out around her face.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you, I really am. I didn't know what you'd say. I thought you'd hate me. It all just happened, my feelings took over, and now here we are."

"Chas, you're allowed to have secrets. I mean, this one's huge. Like, fucking colossal. But that's okay. I mean, it's really fucking bad, I won't lie. But I'm no angel. I get it. Things just happen," Michelle says simply, understanding in her tone.

"They do," I nod. "They really do."

"You know what you have to do though, right?"

"Call it off completely. Tell Axl to forget about what we talked about. It's for the greater good, I know. It doesn't feel fair to me at all, but that's what he said, like I told you-"

"Chas, no!" Michelle laughs. "You have to talk to him!"

"And say what, Michelle?! That yes, it's fine," I hiss, trying to keep my composure at her ridiculous suggestion. "We can completely betray everyone? Everybody who cares about us, what they think doesn't matter?"

"Listen, Axl is hot. Like, c'mon, we've both known it since we met him! God, I just cannot believe you really kiss him!" She practically slaps her hands over her face as she tries to not freak out. "I can't believe this. I couldn't believe the pictures, and now that I have the full story, I can't believe that either. Chas," She sits up on her elbows, looking at me. "Based on what you've told me, and from what I already know about Axl, he's a total catch. And he wants to be with you! Oh my god. You shouldn't even be here with me, you should be out with him, back in his car!"

I can't help it as I laugh and smile like an idiot at what she's suggesting. "Michelle, I cannot! Like I said, I don't even know what's going to happen now. Yes, he wants to be with me, and I want to be with him, but not everybody is going to be as thrilled as you, no matter how much explaining it takes. And I don't know how we'd manage to keep it a secret, I feel like every time I do so much as be around him it's obvious. Plus, we can't forget about the band. They're about to release the album, and go on tours, and not to mention, Michael! I don't want to mess up their friendship, or the band. God, if that happened, I'd never be alright."

Michelle's face is sad. "You can't beat yourself up over it, what has happened, and what hasn't. Don't feel guilty. There's nothing you can do to change what's already happened, and who knows, maybe you're wrong about the future. I don't know what Michael would do, or what would happen with the band, honestly. . ." Her voice trails off as she thinks to herself. "But, I do know that it's worth the chance. You've already been sneaking behind everybody's backs. You'll be eighteen so soon, less than a month now. You'd both be so stupid to try and get over each other, and deny what's already there. You two literally sorted it all out, so why make it more complicated? You and Axl can continue to work it out. And I'm not going to go around telling anybody. Fuck, I'm proud of you! I was wondering when you were gonna get a boyfriend. It's about time you rebelled, Chas."

Michelle laughs at me as I bury my head in a pillow.

She's right.

"You're such a bad influence, you're actually swaying me right now! How do you do this? How do you even interact with guys?" My curiosity is genuine-this time of my life has been the most stressful by far, all because of my new love life.

"Well for starters, I talk to ones that aren't anything over eighteen."

"Oh, shut up. You just said to not feel guilty about it!"

"It was a joke! Well, kind of. But they're all confusing, trust me. This particular situation is just a fucking mess." She rushes to add on to that once I give her a look. "But both of you are going to be fine. Axl's worth it, and you are too. Why else would he lie to the band, drive for a whole hour all the way to Pasadena from L.A., park down the block, climb up the side of your house, and then risk it all by actually coming in here to spend time with you? Chas, that man wasn't kidding when he said he was 'totally taken by you.' Like holy shit, I can't believe you really thought he was only doing it to entertain himself. He could walk down the street and get any girl he wants, probably."

"Oh my god, stop it, you're making me feel even more stupid! I don't know what I'm doing, okay? None of the advice columns in J-14 say what to do when the guy you like is twenty-five, and the hottest rockstar you've ever seen."

"I hope I find the rockstar boyfriend of my dreams next," She sighs. "I'm serious though-you better not ruin this for yourself. You're going to talk to him, right?"

I don't answer.

I would love to talk to him. To say that he won't have to do any waiting, because I'm more than ready.

I just don't want to make the wrong decision.