"Ay mijo it's not something to be afraid off. It's life. For better or for worse. Because let me tell you, if you hide under a rock, even if you go off and live all by yourself in the middle of the desert, it'll find you. You'll have your favorite bird get eaten by a snake, or your favorite tree gets hit by lightning or your hut gets washed away by a flash flood. I should know.

Your great-great-grandfather from your mother's, aunt Leticia's side had a brother, whose cousin was a hermit who said 'A la chingada con la colonizasion (Screw the colonization)' and went to live up there on the hills of Yukalapa in Teotitxtuaclon. And I heard stories from mi tia (my aunt) Xochi who would bring him food. And he would always say 'Que a la chingada con esto (screw this), y que chinge su madre aquel (and fuck that) y que se me murio el perro (and my dog died)' and on and on.

Se murio alla el solo y nadie se dio cuenta hasta dos meses cuando la tia pudo ir otra ves a llevarle la comida y lo encontro tirado (He died alone, nobody noticed until two months later when the aunt went back up to bring him food and found him lying). Ayi la tia que lo mordio unas culebras (bitten by some snakes according to the aunt)," said Grams blessing herself as it is customary to do when speaking of the dead.

"So you see? Even in the middle of nowhere, life will find you and get you," Grams concluded.

"That's good and all but this is different. Things are harder now and times have changed," said David. Just as every generation feels their discovery of the world unique, uncharted and unprecedented. Until the next generation be groans them too for not understanding or keeping up with every new hurdle and facet of the human experience.

"Oh please. Times are always changing and life is always hard and it's never the right time for anything to go wrong or for any challenge to come our way. But try to sit there and argue with life to make sense. You'll spend the rest of your life arguing and not getting anything you want done," she replied.

David was still unconvinced and now that he started voicing his inner thoughts, he had more to say.

"But why would you want me here anyway? Why would anyone need me here? I've only made things worse in the few weeks I've been here. What good can come of me staying?" David said searching for a reason to belong.

"Mijo, enserio que eres tonto (Son, seriously you are dumb)," said Grams ironically.

"Claro que si te necessitamos (Ofcourse we need you)! You are our family and we are all that's left of it," said Grams, beginning to tear up at the realization she had tried to ignore for the last few weeks since the death of her son.

"We need one another. Now more than ever! And what do you mean make things worse?" asked Grams.

David hesitated. He knew what he felt like saying, but didn't know how to word it. He had also tried for so long to ignore this, that he had never considered vocalizing it. Now that he had gone this far and was on the verge of saying it, he did not know how to get the words out from his mind to his mouth.

David took a subtle breath.

"If family is so important, then why was I sent away for so long? It's because I destroyed the family," he said stuttering through the last part.

"What are you talking about? You didn't destroy the family! Is that what you really think? David, you are a grown man now. I can't believe I have to tell you this. You were not responsible for your mother's death. You should know that. Whomever pulled that trigger, that is who is responsible, not you!

How many people have you seen die in the streets on your patrols? Are the families who are left suffering and hurting for their dead guilty? Are the people left trying to rebuild their lives or have to carry on without them guilty? Listen to me mijo," Grams said as she grabbed David's swollen face with both of her strong, firm hands.

"It was not your fault! You hear me? You did not do anything wrong. You did not destroy this family," she said with absolute certainty.

Grams looked David straight in the eyes. Her vision unwavering and as certain as the ground was down and the sky was up. Trying to convey to David the absolute truth in her words and make him understand and accept them.

"We all feel guilty. We all thought that somehow our choices contributed. I thought that if I had moved years ago this would not have happened. That if I'd let your grandfather take a job that made us move away years ago that this wouldn't have happened. Your father too blamed himself.

He thought that if he had never bought you all back from Mexico that none of this would have happen. Even Liz I'm sure blames herself. I'm sure she told me or your dad all those years ago in her own innocent way. But it wasn't any of that, none of us, including you, are to blame. That animal that gunned her down is to blame," she continued.

"But he gunned her down because she was looking for me!" David said.

"So what? She could have been home in her bed and been shot in a drive-by. She could have been on her way to take you and your sister to school and been ran over by a drunk driver. So what? When your time comes you have no say in the matter. You can't put that kind of burden on top of you to carry. It's not good for you. You have to place that responsibility where it belongs, and that's is on those who did it," said Grams.

"So then why was I sent away? If I was not to blame and family is so important why was I the only one that was kicked out of the family and dumped on to be someone else's problem?" he finally was able to vocalize what he had been yearning to find an answer for.

"Is that what you think happened? Aye mijo, you were sent away to give you a chance! To get out of this mess. To have a better education and a better life! You see how things are here. We didn't want you to run the risk of being caught up on all of this craziness. And as hard as it was, and believe me, it was hard for everybody!

We gathered every penny we could and sent you to the best school we could. To the sacrifice of everyone. To your father, to me, to Liz! Because she suffered a lot for it too. She took a back seat to you and that was unfair for her but that is what we had to do," said Grams. Her lips quivering again and her voice breaking as tears begun to fall down her cheeks.

"But I didn't ask for all of that sacrifice to be made for me! I didn't want you, and pops, and Liz to pay for me. How do you think that makes me feel?" asked David.

"We didn't! You were thirteen years old. We were not worrying about what you would feel or what Liz would feel ten years later! We were more concerned on the then, and there. On getting at least one of you kids out of that horrible situation as soon and as best as we could.

You are asking why we didn't have the luxury of telling the future and worrying about every consequence and every detail at the time that both your father and I were trying to deal with the police, a funeral, bills, debt, and threats, and oh yeah, the pain of losing your mother! And to have the state of mind to think 'Oh what do the children want? What would be to their liking?'" she said mockingly.

"Well sorry it doesn't work that way. We are human too. We are not perfect and we have to make decision as parents that we know the kids will hate us for later. But you know what? That's our job. To make the hard choices that we feel are best for you. And sometime, la cagamos (we screw it up). But it's the best we can do," she said not able to keep the tears back any longer.

"Then why have kids in the first place? Why have us if things are so bad? Why bring someone into this world if you can't guarantee a proper future for them? I see it all the time and that's why I don't want to be responsible for anyone else," said David with the arrogance of someone who thinks they know better and be moans the decisions of the un-informed past.

"David please! I can't believe I have to say this to someone your age. You know why two people have children. They are in love and children are hope! They are your hope that things will be better. Most people have children hoping, or thinking that their lives are heading in the right direction.

That you see a future in your life that will provide for these children. Most people don't have children thinking their life will be worse off. You want their life to be better. That's your whole goal as a parent. But shit happens! You can't guarantee the future, no matter how much you try, or how sure of certain things you are. You just can't guarantee the future," she said.

"Then why have them?" he stubbornly asked.

"Because they are the hope you can do better! You hope you can work to create a better world, a better place for them! You don't give up on yourself or on them because you are creating a better world through yourself for them. And a better future through them!" she said.

Grams was sobbing at this point and David was cracking up as well. His eyes glazed as he refrained from saying any further because he didn't want to make Grams cry more and he did not want to start crying himself.

"I want you to stay because I need you and I want you back. I see your sister slipping and I am too old and tired and don't know how to pull her back in. We need you here. No matter how bad you think you are doing or how little you contribute, you have no idea how much just being here does for me.

You don't know what kind of impact having someone, anyone, does. But more importantly, having a family again, our family together again... But if you decide to go, if you think you have better, greater things to do, to accomplish then we won't stop you. If you think you are needed more somewhere else then go ahead.

You are free to follow your own path. That is what we wanted from the beginning. For you to be able to have the choices in life that would make you happy and that we couldn't give you at home, and we have. But I can't give up on that poor girl! It's her turn. Even if you or she does I can't! That's my job. And no, I don't have the slightest idea on how I'm going to do it alone, old, and stupid, and tired. But I have to figure it out.

I have to find a way. I just do, because I don't have the luxury of just being able to pack up my things and run from my problems and leave them here to fend for themselves. And I have to go now because my bus is going to go without me and I still have a full day of work. So there is food in the fridge and I'll see you later when I get back or not I don't know but I have to go," and so she went. Whipping tears and rushing out the door to catch a bus that wouldn't care or wait for her.

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