It was a cold morning, the frost gleaming across the city and mirroring on the many shiny surfaces it had to offer in the yellow morning sun.

I took a deep breath and felt like it was the first time in forever since I had truly breathed and felt the fresh air go into my lungs and through my veins.

There were so many things I should be thinking of. How Tony had left me once again. How he thought he was protecting me by doing that. They were chasing him, after all, and not me, and I should be lucky I wasn't dead yet.

I should've been worried about whether or not it was safe to walk the street alone, even in a fully crowded walking district with shops, boutiques and cafes with large wide windows, perfect for glancing out on the street and eyeing its pedestrians. If anybody were going to commit murder, there would be a whole lot of eye witnesses.

But instead of worrying about all of that... about the heartache in my chest, the burning sensation in my gut, and the knot in my throat, I forced myself to keep walking forward, to keep pushing myself towards my goal.

Christmas shopping.

It was less that five days away and soon the stores would be sold out and closed for the season. There were only really two people I wanted to buy gifts for this year. Only two people who truly deserved all that I had left in my bank account, but those two people had expressively told me not to buy them anything.

Well, screw that. They were moving in together, and they were getting some housewarming presents.

Dan hated the classics, so obviously I was going for a few of those. I had already set my heart out to find some His & His bathrobes. Some Best Boyfriend Ever mugs. And of course, Christmas Is The Time To Be Gay! beanies which I had fallen upon by happy coincidence.

But the actual gift I was getting for them, the real topper that I hoped and knew they'd both love, was an expensive dough mixer which could knead doughs, whip up frosting and also had an ice cream attachment bowl to make homemade ice cream.

It was expensive and would take a large dip out of my savings, but for all that they had done for me during the past weeks had been more than I could say with words. As if it wasn't already enough, the three of us had decided on a private Christmas together. Kyle wasn't heading home to Michigan for the season, and Dan preferred not going home to his homophobic parents either, so they had both declared they'd love to spend Christmas with me, provided I wanted to.

After our dinner date that long time ago, with the delicious steak and sauce and cheesecake, I could only imagine what the two of them could whip up together at Christmas. Like I was going to say no to that. I was crazy these days, but not that crazy.

But speaking of whipping up things. The mixing machine I had found online and tracked down was all but sold out, except for one outlet store in Clinton. I had therefore taken the train downtown and was now walking towards the store down the cozy shopping street.

They really had done a beautiful job with the decorations this year. There was a large Christmas tree in the center of the square, Christmas lights and ornaments adorning it's branches and a large star atop the tip of the trunk. A fine layer of frost glinted on the dark green chips of the pines. Behind the tree was a large Macy's with golden streamers in the window. Together the whole thing looked magnificent.

And right there, in front of the store, a familiar face made me stop up and stare in disbelief. Make that two familiar faces.

Mason... and Brianna.

My ex boyfriend and my former best friend.

Everything closed up. My knees, my chest, my lungs, my mouth, my veins. My heart.

They were standing arm in arm, Mason grinning as Brianna pointed at something in the window exhibit and made a funny face. Mason shook his head and leaned in to give her cheek a chaste kiss, and I saw clearly the heat that rose to her face. After a moment, they walked on, doing their Christmas shopping as well. Mason was holding a small Gucci bag. Brianna was holding him.

As they walked away, across the large square, I waited for everything to hit me again, all of it; The pain, the betrayal... the hatred of seeing two people who broken my trust and my heart all at once and gave me the blame... I waited for it all to slam into me like a freight train, but as the seconds ticked by and they disappeared out of sight... it never came.

I felt nothing as I watched my past walk away.

A breath fell from my lungs. One I felt I had been holding for more than six months. It was accompanied by a feeling that washed over me, something light and fresh... Relief?

Freedom.

Because that's what they were, weren't they. They were my past. With everything that had happened, it all seemed so insignificant now. Mason had left a crater in my heart, but Tony...

The first cut is the deepest, isn't that what they said. Mason was my first true love... everything he did after had been just that, but before all that happened... I had given him so much, perhaps foolishly and naïvely, but it changed nothing as I realized how much of my young love I had given him. The first cut was the deepest... and Tony had been a numbing to the pain.

By sharing his own.

Now that I was slowly regaining feeling, I had forgotten how to feel the resentment I had once felt for the happy couple walking down the street. I still hated them for what they did, but... it didn't hurt anymore. When had that happened?

Was it strange... I was almost... happy for them? Happy that they had gotten together, happy that Brianna had saved me from a one-sided relationship. I was happy they had both fucked me over and given me the truth.

At the notion, I wanted to laugh. But what was that other saying? The truth will set you free.

They were both horrible people, but together, they seemed... almost sweet. Two wrongs didn't make a right, but maybe it did sometimes make something better. In a fashion.

And while it had happened in a way I wouldn't like to repeat, I realized Mason had never been good for me. He had never been the right one for my life, never been the right one to love me.

He had loved me loving him, but never loved loving me back.

I closed my eyes and felt as something closed inside me. A wound? A scar?

What was that third saying... time healed all wounds... provided you didn't keep prodding into the wound.

For a long time, too long, all I had been able to think about was how Mason cheated on me, how my best friend betrayed me, and how the two of them made me believe it was my fault... that I was a shitty girlfriend, that I was... so many things, yet so little.

But the second I stopped peeling the wound back open, the second I stopped feeding all these repetitive ugly memories from my past... well, the result was what I saw today, right now in this moment as something happened on my face.

– I smiled.

And kept on smiling to myself as I walked on to buy my true friends their housewarming Christmas gift.

Walking had never felt lighter.

~~~

I came home a little past 3pm and unlocked the front door. The first thing I heard was a curse, followed by a thud.

"Don't look towards the hall!" I warned as I wormed my way inside with all my bags and one large and very heavy package. All of their gifts were unwrapped, but the one I really didn't want them to see thankfully was.

"Uh... yeah, we're completely cool with that if you wait like, five minutes to walk into the living room." Came the reply.

I halted in the hallway. Then palmed my face when I heard a grunt. "Are you kidding me?!"

"Give us... five minutes," Dan called back, following it up with a deep, slightly strangled groan. "Maybe less—fuck."

I couldn't hear Kyle though. Which meant he most likely had his mouth full.

"You guys are unbelievable," I sighed and went back out into the hall, not really interested in hearing my best friend climax with his boyfriend.

Not so soon after...

After Tony and I had done the same in the kitchen.

I let ten minutes slide in the hall before I timidly stuck my head back inside and asked if the coast was clear.

"We're good," Dan laughed and I then came in, shuffling in with all my bags and my package once more. "Sorry about that."

"Nah, it's good. Don we now our gay apparel, I guess... Just promise me you didn't leave any stains."

There was some muffled laughter, the sound of a palm striking something fleshy and then a door closing, followed by a long sigh. "Nope. No stains. You'll never catch me moving in with a man that doesn't swallow my baby batter."

My eyes dropped to the mixer in my hand. Batter... "Now I'm gonna have trouble swallowing."

More laughing. Some shuffling. "You want me to join Kyle in the bedroom while you hide away your undeniable Christmas shopping that we specifically told you not to do?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Aha, and my balls are blue. Go hide your damn presents. Impossible woman."

I smiled to myself and shook my head as I heard another door go. I figured Dan had followed Kyle into his room, unable to resist the temptation of returning the favor. I shuffled in with my presents then, bringing them all safely inside my room.

When I came out again, I was surprised to see Dan and Kyle both emerging from his room, hand in hand. Both of them seemed aptly dressed, though Kyle's lips looked... a bit bruised. I was going to ignore the hickey on Dan's neck.

"So, what movie are we watching tonight?" Dan asked as we all took a seat on the couch – me slipping into the armchair out of sheer habit. After what I knew had just happened on the couch though, I felt much more comfortable over here. "It's A Wonderful Life?"

"We need red wine for that," Kyle said and patted Dan's chest. "Only way to get through it."

"Agreed. Mel?"

I had been caught in my own thoughts. When I didn't respond, Dan and Kyle both shifted their eyes to me and gave me a concerned look.

"Mel?"

I realized I was smiling again. Stupidly. I wanted to laugh because of what had happened earlier. Should I tell them? I was still hurting on the inside somewhere, but right here, in this moment... I felt like laughing. And it was the damnest thing.

Dan and Kyle looked at me like I had finally lost the last of my sanity. At seeing me smile, Kyle leaned in and whispered something in Dan's ear. Dan replied with a shrug and a frown.

"Mel? Are you okay?"

Such a simple question. Was I okay?

No.

But was I going to be?

After today... after finally closing a chapter of my life that had meant so much to me, after closing it seemingly without any other merit than just seeing them being happy and miserably cruel people together... yeah.

Somehow, I knew I was going to be okay.

Maybe not today... maybe not tomorrow or this year... but as Dan and Kyle looked at me and slowly returned my stupid smile, I knew that one day...

I was going to be more than okay.

– And that was completely okay.

• • •

Being okay is okay.