Chapter Twenty-two

love myself

Mommy hastily went to me as soon as I arrived in our house. Bumaling ako kay Ryder na bumaba rin sa sasakyan to shortly greet my mother. Pinuna rin siya ni mommy. Pero masyado nang abala sa akin si mommy who was hugging me and checking everything about me. Lumabas din ng bahay si Sandro. Tinapunan ko siya ng matalim na tingin nang makitang nandito lang naman pala siya sa bahay. Bakit hindi nalang siya ang sumundo sa akin? Bakit kailangan niya pang iasa sa iba...

Nakangisi lang siyang sinalubong ang matalim kong tingin sa kaniya. "Ate, welcome home! How was the flight?"

I rolled my eyes at my brother. Nagyaya na rin si mommy na pumasok na kami sa loob.

"Kuya," Sandro called Ryder.

Bumaling ako sa dalawa at nakitang mukhang babalik na si Ryder sa sasakyan niya. Hinintay din ako ni mommy. Until the atmosphere between us four became a little bit awkward. I looked away and headed straight inside our home. Pinuna ko nalang ang konting mga pagbabago sa interior ng bahay namin.

"Nagpa-renovate po kayo, Mommy?" I asked mommy to divert my attention from what just happened a while ago when Ryder fetched me at the airport and brought me here straight.

Mommy smiled happily as she nodded her head at me. "Yes! Do you like it, hija? I also made some changes in your bedroom, I hope you don't mind. I just want you to rest in a better room when you arrive."

I smiled and appreciated my mom's efforts. "I don't mind at all, Mommy. Thank you, po."

Ngumiti sa akin si mommy pero may namuo ring kaonting luha sa mga mata niya. The sight tugged my heart. "H-Hija," bahagyang nanginig ang boses ni mommy. "How was everything for the past two years that you stayed abroad? Did you enjoyed Europe?!" mommy made her voice sound enthusiastic.

Ngumiti nalang din ako. And then I nodded my head. "Yes, Mommy... I enjoyed and explored a lot of new things while I was away..."

Mommy eagerly nodded at my response. "That's good to hear, hija! I'm happy about it! I'm happy!" And then she held my hand again. " Many times... for the past two years, I have tried to go to you. But your father insisted that we let you be..." may kalungkutan sa mga mata ni mommy.

I shook my head. "I was all fine when I was away, Mom. I really loved everything that had happened to me to those foreign places for the past years... And, I'm here now, Mommy." I smiled to reassure her.

Ngumiti na rin si mommy kahit may guhit pa rin ng kalungkutan sa mukha niya. "I missed you, hija." she told me sincerely."

Ngumiti pa ako lalo. Halos hindi na kami matapos tapos sa kumustahan sa isa't isa. "I missed you too, Mom." ngiti ko.

"Oh! Halika na nga muna at naghanda ako ng pagkain para sa 'yo. Kumain ka muna bago ka tuluyang magpahinga at baka gutom ka pa from your long flight." giniya na rin ako ni mommy sa dining. "You already know that your Mom isn't really a good cook, but I tried cooking all the food you like with the help of Manang and our other maids."

I smiled at her enthusiasm. I really appreciate my mother's efforts. This is already more than enough for me. "Thank you, Mom." I was really grateful.

Bumaling sa akin si mommy at ngumiti. "Anything for you, anak."

Ako naman ang nakaramdam ng pang-iinit ng mga mata. My relationship with my family became really better. After all the years before that I spent on trying to confront both my parents and even my brother for our family's situation then wasn't put to waste. I now strongly believe that a better communication can also lead to a better relationships...

"The food looks deliciously good!" We heard Sandro entering the dining area and praising the food that was prepared on the table.

Bumaling ako sa kapatid ko at bumalik sa akin ang konting inis na nararamdaman ko sa kaniya sa ginawa niya. He also looked at me. Naging abala si mommy at sumunod pa sa ilang kasambahay sa kitchen para kuhanin pa ang iba pang pagkain. I felt like we're having a feast. But I just let my mom do what she wants. It's for me, anyway. And I truly appreciate it.

"Why did you do that?"

"What?" pagmamaang-maangan niya pero may pilit na tinatago namang pilyong ngiti sa mga labi niya. Alam kong alam niya ang sinasabi ko.

I looked at my brother impatiently. And then he raised his hands as if giving in to the police who will capture him. "I was busy with my meetings. Ngayon lang din ako nakauwi, not long before you arrived."

"Bakit si Ryder pa ang kailangan mong abalahin para ipasundo ako sa airport?!"

"Now... calm down." he sighed. "Ano naman ang masama if it's your husband who will pick you at the airport?"

I wasn't able to speak for awhile. Nanatili ang tingin ko sa aking kapatid. I can see that he's just really taking it lightly. Not that I should make a big deal of it, but... I sighed. "Sandro... I can see that you already grow close to Ryder-"

He cut me off defensively. "Hey! We can't avoid that since he was the one who helped me get through the company, since you already know that Dad and I weren't really in good terms. Pero okay naman na kami ni Daddy ngayon." bawi rin niya.

I sighed again. It was also good to know that even Sandro and our Dad's relationship became better after years. Ang mahalaga naman ay ang ngayon. "That's good to hear." I said pertaining to his and Dad's good relationship now.

"But you're still my sister! So I will still be closer to you than Kuya Ryder." he smirked.

I rolled my eyes at Sandro. "So... why did you really do that to me?"

"What? I already told you wala naman sigurong masama kung ang asawa mo ang susundo sa 'yo sa airport-" he tried to insist.

"Kasal nalang kami ni Ryder sa papel... Sandro." I cut him off.

Natigilan siya. "W-Well, you two are still married..."

I sighed for the nth time. I already thought about this through... I'm okay now... The two years I was away taught me many things especially about myself that I think I haven't known before.

"Ate..." Sandro called. Tumingin ako sa kaniya. I can see genuine concern in my brother's eyes. "Are you trying to say... that..." he sighed exasperatedly. "Makikipaghiwalay ka na nang tuluyan kay Kuya Ryder?" he asked.

Ilang sandaling nakatingin lang ako kay Sandro. I already think this through. I realized many things in those two years. Marami pala akong naging pagkukulang sa sarili ko. Siguro nga may hinahanap ako sa ibang tao... But I know now that if I remained as how I was before, I might never find it in anyone unless I already found it first within myself. Paano ko ba nga naman hahanapin sa iba at malalaman na iyon na nga ang hinahanap ko kung sa sarili ko pa lang ay hindi ko naman talaga alam kung ano iyon...

Hindi pa man ako nakakasagot ay dinugtungan na ni Sandro ang mga sinabi niya. "Ate, I can assure you with my life that your husband has been nothing but loyal to you while you were away for two years." he confidently told me that.

As I looked at Sandro, I felt like my brother had already become a total loyal knight to His Majesty, his king, Ryder. In two years the two really developed a good bond. Maybe because unlike his sister, Ryder was like a brother to him. The two can relate to each other more because they were both boys.

Sandali akong napababa ng tingin sa pag-iisip sa sinabi sa akin ni Sandro. Does he mean that my husband has been faithful to me despite being totally apart for two years? Ni wala kaming kahit na anong communication ni Ryder sa loob ng dalawang taon. Everyone really let me be for the past two years. Hinayaan nila akong umalis at hanapin ang sarili ko...

A small smile appeared on my lips. A hopeful smile also showed on my brother's face. Pero nagkakamali siya sa maaring iniisip niya... "Did you two talked in the car while on your way here? I tried to invite him in our house but he said he still has some important matters to attend to..." he shook his head. "But I know he just doesn't want to make you uncomfortable by his presence..." bahagyang lumungkot ang mukha ni Sandro, like a boy who's sad for his dear friend whom he played with favorite toys all along.

"Sandro," I looked at my brother seriously. "Masyado pa rin bang abala si Ryder sa mga kompanya?" I still heard about Ryder while I was away from time to time from Sandro. Kahit hindi naman ako nagtatanong he would often tell me stories about how great Ryder as an Architect and handling our businesses everytime we talk over the phone or video calls. I can only sigh then and I can't also stop him.

Maagap na umiling si Sandro. "If it's his wife then he will have time!" nabubuhayang anang kapatid ko.

I sighed.

And then he cleared his throat for a bit before he spoke again. "I know... he might have really hurt you in the past... Based on your reactions and also based from what he had also told me himself. But he said he regretted everything... Kuya Ryder regret hurting you, ate..."

I nodded. "I'd like to talk to Ryder if he's not that busy anymore," I said.

"Ate, I just want someone to care for you and love you like you deserve... Not that I, Mom or Dad can't give you love and care, but I want someone to be by your side always..."

Alam ko ang ibig sabihin ng kapatid ko. Now that he seemed to fully trust Ryder gusto niyang ipagkatiwala ako sa isang taong alam niyang mapagkakatiwalaan din niya para sa nag-iisa niyang kapatid... But I don't think I need it...

The two years taught me that I can love and care for myself on my own. That I don't have to find that something with another person because I can also find it within me. And then slowly, I spoke. "I can now... perfectly take care of myself, Sandro." I told my brother with a smile on my face. Alam ko na ngayon kung paano ko aalagaan ang sarili ko. I'm now well aware of what I need and what I want. So it's not anymore hard to properly take care of myself. "And... I can now love myself." I said genuinely. The smile on my face did not fade. Because I already know not just all my flaws like how I used to, but I already know now both my weaknesses and strengths.

I learned that to be able to love my own self I have to accept everything about me first. I should accept my flaws and imperfections, and my past mistakes. And then I should forgive myself for all of it. I should forgive myself from every bad decision I did in the past, for every wrongs that I did, for all those things I think I did stupidly... Because we cannot turn back the time. What's done was already done. We can only look back but we shouldn't always look backward, but to look more forward instead. After all your present self is the result of your past self. All the things you've been through, both good and bad, lead you to your present self. Accept all the things that already had happened and move forward by making yourself better and vowing not to do the same mistakes again because you already learned. But if again you make mistakes, then it's okay because life is a continuous learning process. We don't stop learning as long as we breathe.

I smiled sincerely as I was looking at my brother. Hindi agad nakapag-react si Sandro pero sa huli ay napangiti rin siya na nahawa sa ngiti sa mga labi ko.

Note: hello, readers! It took me long again to update, sorry. I promise to update again tomorrow. Happy Valentine's Day!