07/05/2022

I think the dame thing that hurt the most is that I don't know if I am actually feeling like shit or if it is just a play, a game of my mind. I have no idea of what my emotions are, I don't know what is real about me and I keep telling me that it is okay, that it isn't a problem, but it is only words, only troughs, and at the end, it is a problem. It fucking eating me alive because I don't even know who I am anymore, can't remember, don't know when my imagination and fake feelings and game end or begin. I never should have involved myself in my game, always imaginary characters. I did a mistake, and now I m there, lost, completely lost in myself, and I don't know what to do.

I was thinking that maybe a psy would help, but I don't have a dame clue, and I can't tell her all this, because I m not even sure if it is real. Would I blow my life and stability for something that isn't real ?

I don't talk about that with my psy because I don't think about it. And I don't even know if it is because it isn't real or if it is because I m so used to lie and to forget the things I don't want to talk or think. I have no idea, but I know that a ed is real. The pain of my stomach, crying for food is real and it is good. That an issue, a real one, and I know it is real, even if I m not sure if I don't made it up, but at last the pain is real and it is so so fucking good. The pain of my stomach. I don't know who I am, and I don't know if this, the fact that I don't know who I am, is true or if it is a game, always a game. And this, isn't it a game too ? I have no idea, I'm completely lost in my mind, so why wouldn't I rest in imaginary world that I can model with no shame ? 

28/07/2022

I look at you, with your friends.

I am happy. I m so happy for you. You deserve it, after everything I did.

So why can't I stop looking your life, and imagining me in it ? Especially when I was in and I left you.

Guilt guilt guilt.

But it is too late. It will always be too late. I m the monster of the story, and I hate myself for that.

You deserve to have friends not shitty like me. You deserve it so much, little angel. And I think no one will get it. My family. My friends. They don't understand. I m the bad guy. I m the shitty friend, not you.

Maybe we were shitty together, but at the end, I m the one how left you alone, suffering. You needed me, and I wasn't there. And five years latter, I m there, looking at your life, and deep down, a part of me want to be in it.

Two yers ago, my family talk about you. I said that it was over, that I had made peace with myself, peace with you, too. And I truly believe, that I was thinking it was this easy. Forgetting about you. To forgive you. Forgive myself. But there we are, two years after, five years, and I am still there. You move on. I made you move on too soon, and now I am stuck. Stuck in the pass, with my guilt, and my hate. Because I hate you. Still, for what you did. For everything. Because I m not going to change the story again. You did shitty things to me too. I juste did more. Because I wanted revenge. I was angry, and it is just who I am. An awful jealous resentful person. A bad friend, who can't be trust, who talk bin hind your back, recreating the story, making you the bad guy, all the fault was on you. And i think that, for a while, I actually believed it. But deep down, in the back on my mind, I always knew that I did shitty things too.

And i remember, when we star college, that I was so happy because you weren't there, and I could stop pretending to be your friend. I stop talking to you, without any explanation. You never get on. I disappear of your life, when we were supposed to be best friend, sister, twins.

You should have never trusted me.

But don't worry. I m suffering now. Even if I know you did to, you still do, I want you to know, even if you never read that (and you will never), I want you to know that I am in pain. That I m suffering for what I did. And I m sorry, so sorry, even if it mean nothing for you. It doesn't excuse anything. But karma is real, and I m suffering now.

And even if you are okay now, if you moved on, I want you to know that I didn't. That I am trap in the past, in our memories, and all the bad things I did to you. And I am sorry, even if it doesn't change anything, and I know it doesn't.

I deserve it.