09/06/2022

Once upon a time, there was a little girl. She was the sweetest girl, the brightest. She was funny and kind but she had a shitty life. Her parents weren't really there, always fighting. She had two brothers but she was feeling really alone. One day this kind and sweet girl met an other girl. She was a little crazy, but she was okay. They became friends. The other girl was bright and funny. She smile and laugh, and the gentle girl wasn't alone anymore. She had an angel. But the other girl wasn't alone. There were a sun with her, a sun that she loved with everything she had. A friendship been build, but the sun and the sweet girl were levitating around the other girl. But one day, the sweet girl did something wrong. A demon tented her. But the demon was with the angel, and the angel felt betrayed. But the angel was a lie. The other girl wasn't an angel. The other girl was the devil, picking, meaning, destroying everything. She used them, manipulated them, becoming the sun, them the planet. The devil couldn't forgive the sweet girl, but she did like she did. The devil was everything for the sweet girl, but the devil hated her. The devil destroyed her, slowly, talking behind her back, hating hating hating hating always hating. The devil look at the sweet girl and said lies without any remorses. The devil said « I love you ». The devil said « you are my sister, my twin ». The devil said « you are my best friend, til the end », « we will be together, best friend in a million years ». But when school end, the devil left. She left, without one look behind. She didn't speak to the sweet girl. She didn't stayed, she didn't answer the phone, or the texts that the sweet girl was sending. 

15/07/2022

Sometime, it hit me.

That I m the one who stay, stuck in the memories. That I am the bad guy in the story.

I m the one who destroy everything.

I m the one who got stuck with the memories of you, always you, while you moved on, forgetting about me.

I wanted to leave. I m the one who destroyed it. I m the one who left, who didn't answered you, who left you alone, who ghosted you. All this time, I recreate the story, transforming you into the villain, when it was always me.

Sometime I m in my bed, looking at your life, and I have this feeling. Jealousy. Betrayal. 

"Why ? I am asking myself in there's moments. Why is she happy when I m not ? How can she be happy, while I m stuck with the memory of everything, everything that you did, everything that I did ?" But deep down, I know that it is unfair. Because I m the bad guy of the story. I m the one who betrayed you.

Sometime I m asking myself why do I hold on so much. Why can't I let it go ? Why am I stuck with all this shit ? Do you think about me ? Do you think about all this time pass together ? I don't think so, but I will never know.

I deserve to suffer. To have all there memories in my head. You betrayed me, yes. I m not going to change the story again and say you never did. You betrayed me, and it hurts, still now, because I can't let it go. But I did so much worse. All this time, I was lying to you, talking behind your back. This is why I have trust issues. Because I know that people can betray. I did it. For years. My « best friend forever ». Lying right at her face without any remorse. Oh no. The remorses came after. When I realized that the villain wasn't you, but me; It always has been me, and always will be.

I was suppose to always be there, and I left you suffering alone, asking for my help. I left you when you needed help. Years later, I try to talk to you. I write you, say that we have to stop, say that I was the monster, that you have to let me go, because after everything I did, you still were talking to me, even though I wasn't really answering you. You never read my text. And you keep talking to me, less, but still. 

I don't understand. Maybe you are still holding on, after all. But you are moving on. And it is good. Because I should be the one staying behind. I deserve to suffer.  And I hate myself for what I did. And I hate myself to be jealous of your life, of your friends, I hate waiting to see myself appear, because it is ridiculous. Because I m not in your life, I made sure of it. But maybe I miss you, even trough I hate you so much. Because there were a time where you were everything for me, even when I hated you, and I was something for you.