05/10/2022

Sometime I miss you so much that I physically hurt.

I miss you I miss you I miss you and I want to scream that I miss you to the world. People don't understand, thinking, wanting me to have other people, to make friends. But I don't want other friends. I just want you. People don't understand. 

And I don't know if you know how much I miss you. But I can't tell you because I don't have the words, I never have the words. I hate talking about my feelings because I don't know what to say, I don't know what I feel, what is real and what is not. I am fine, but at the same time I am not but it is a lie because I am fine I am sure I m fine I don't understand my own mind but what is sure is that I miss you so much I miss you I miss you and I am not sure if you feel the same. I miss your room and I miss your laugh and I miss your smile and I miss your voice and I miss your touch and I miss our jokes and I miss your hair and I miss your room and I miss the places full of our share memories and and I miss you, I miss going out with you, walking, talking about nothing. 

I miss you . It is a rhyme in my head, repeating. I miss you I miss you I miss you imissyouimissyouimissyouimissyouimissyouimissyou. I don't know what to do without you, when I am alone, at school or in the street. I don't know what to do when people are talking to me and I don't know what to say and you are not here next to me, calming all my anxiety down. Not anxiety. It is not anxiety, I don't know I don't know anything shit. Anyway. I miss you. Really really much. And i don't know what to say, because I am not good at talking. But I don't understand shit, and I miss you when I am at school and you are not here to explain things to me, to joke with me and I really don't know what to do without you. Not even obligatory at school. Everywhere. I don't know what to do now that I can't go out with you, decompressing. I miss you and I miss our crepes and our ice-cream in the cold and our sushis and macdo and I just fucking miss you J. . 

3/11/2022

My best friend has a new best friend. Or she is going to. Very soon. It was predictable. I am gone. She can't go out with me anymore, it was obvious that she was going to find someone else, to befriend someone else. She go out with her, having conversations, so that make them closer and so they become close and colse. Didn't I write that a best friend is the person you see the most, the one with which you have the biggest conversations ? I knew. It still hurt like hell. I have this feeling of been replaced. It hurt, but I know that it is right. I wasn't there anymore. I don't understand why I was her best friend to being with so. It is good, she is going to have a great best friend. S. is fantastic. I would know, she is the girl which I am in love with. There isn't someone better. I totally understand why J. would made her her best friend, why she would like her better, have more talk with her. She is the best person on the world, the sun. I am happy for them, they are going to be so good for each other. They are going to be great, going out, going to the places we used to go.

My best friend have a new best friend and it hurt so fuck much. But deep down, I deserve it. I am not a good person, and especially a good best friend, or friend. I know it. I am not good. I deserve to be alone, and they deserve to be happy, to have their friends, good friends who are not a bitch who is manipulative and hateful and silly and a bad friend who is useless. So it is okay. I am not mad. I can't be mad, because I know I deserve it, the pain, to be alone, and S. is great, she is so so so great, so much than me, and she is going to be such a good best friend for her, they are going to be so good for each other. And weren't they almost best friends before I came along ? It is just the nature of things. It is good. After all, J. was supposed to let me go last year so. I knew it will happened. I am actually worried about J., because she is always so kind with other people. I know she would not want to hurt me, even through I deserve it. I just hope she is not going to pretended to be my best friend just because she doesn't want to hurt me to abandon me. This would really destroy me, even if I know I deserve the lies, after everything I did, with...

I just hope she will tell me, directly. « I am sorry, but I got a new best friend ». « Solene and I, we are going out a lot, we have so anything's in common, and I think she is my best friend ». I am letting you go. It okay J. You will always be one of the most extraordinary person I ever met, and I never loved anyone this way like I loved you. Love you. You were the best friend I always dream of. You are my best friend and I love you so much. Be happy please. I am sorry I couldn't make you happy like you did. Don't be harsh on yourself. It is not your fault if I am not a good friend, that I am not enough. Don't force yourself to be my friend. Please don't do that. It is okay. I desserve the solitude and the pain that come with it. I will be okay. Don't you worry about me, I don't worth it. 

it is okay S. I don't think she is going to feel remorseful, because she didn't did anything wrong, but is she does, I just want to tell you (even if you are never going to read this, and you aren't) that it is okay. I saw it coming, after all. I knew, since last year, that it wasn't going to last. I am very very happy it begins with, and I am so happy that it is you, because it makes sense, you know ? you are one of the greatest person of the univers, so of course it will be you. I hope you would be okay, the to of you. I am sure that you are going to take care of each other very well, so so so so much better than I would have. I am shit. 

you are perfect for each other. be happy. don't feel bad for me.