They are destruction and reborn. They are a vampire, sucking life out of people. They are love, loving loving loving so much. They are hate, sometime they are hating so much that they forget everything. They are ugliness. They are the emptiness of an end of a day, they are hunger and want, they are craving fulness and emptiness, never satisfied, never in rest, always resting. They are procrastination and work, they are ugly and sad and happy. They are bright and tern. They are food and water, never filling, always full. They are stupidity and uninteresting knowledge. They are dead and alive, pretending and truth, lie lie lie and always true. They are fast and slow, can't run but sprint, never looking behind them, always running toward the past. They can't move or moved too fast, never thinking or thinking too much. 

They are silence, can't make a word and they are talking and talking and talking until their voice die. They are always quiet, screaming in the tranquility of an afternoon. They are sleep and insomnia. They are everything and nothing, contradictory and making sense. They want to vanish and to be all everyone can see. No. It is not right. They don't want everyone to see them. Why would they want that ? Everyone seeing them would mean people would juge them, and they didn't want that. They hated it, having attention. Or almost. It was weird. They wanted it, and at the same time, no. Like solitude. Who truly want to be alone all day ? But at the same time, it is so much effort, to talk to people, to be friendly all the god dame time. And when you start making friends, you can't be alone anymore. And you have to talk, even when you just want to plug your earphone and get lost in music. So they didn't get friend. Didn't try to, even if they were lonely, and when everyone was excepting it, everyone was asking if they made friends, because it was so god dame important.

The fact they didn't have any friends in school wasn't a big issue. It was even good. They could skip launch, and there were last people they have to lie to, they didn't have to make even more excuses, didn't have to explain themselves, inventing things. Less people caring means that there were less people who could see, less people trying to invent problems. Their mom was already on their back, they didn't need someone else who would dig their lies and who would talk about the fact that they needed to eat or bulshit like that. (It is not clear at all. I don't care.) they could sit by themselves in corridors, listening to musics and talking with their best friend. They missed her so much that sometime they could feel tears in their eyes. But they would never let it pass their eyes. They didn't cry, not in school, only in the black of their room, in the silence of the night, when everyone was asleep. No one was asking question, then.

It was fine. Okay, they were a little lonely sometime. But new « friends » won't be a solution. They didn't want them. Only their best friend. She could understand. She would be there, and everything would be find. She was the only one who could make the voice in their head completely stop. Well, no. not always. But it was less lourd, and it was almost always fine when she was there, and they could even talk about some of the things, when they were alone and feeling both poorly. She was the only one who could make them really laugh. And yeah, sometime they couldn't talk, sometime the words were trap in their throat, and they were so lost in all the masks they had that they couldn't find themselves anymore, but it was fine. Because their best friend knew. They even talked about it, one time, and it was all fine, and they made progress and effort. And yeah, their best friend didn't know all the things, but it was still fine. 

Maybe she didn't knew about the fire in their stomach, or the fact that it was the first meal they got in 36 hours, or the fact that they couldn't see their future anymore, nothing after graduation, and that sometime, they were thinking about what will happened if they were gone, who would be sad and all this shit. And maybe their best friend didn't knew about their gender, and they were afraid to loss her, so they weren't going to tell her. But it was fine. It didn't really matter. And she was the only one who seem to really understand sometime. And yeah, they were afraid because « what if they weren't really best friend and what if the fact that they moved away was going to tears them appart and they would never talk again, never be friends, and what if they were boring her ? » So yeah, they had a lot of doubts, but when did they not ?

It wasn't really big, the little dark things they weren't telling her, because it wasn't even real, it was just for people to give them attention, so they weren't going to worry her with fake things, were they ? And anyway, she wasn't telling all her issues too. They weren't stupid. They knew that she had issues, and sometime, when it was a really dark day for both of them, especially since this summer, they would talk about their anxiety and their doubts and theirs loneliness and how much they missed each other. And the time would stop and the voices would shut up and they would be together and it will be fine. so it was fine. They really missed her, they really wanted to see her; but it was going to be fine because at last they had a fire in their stomach and it was fine. They weren't lonely, not too much anyway, and it was fine. School was shit, like always so it wasn't really new and they didn't have to talk to people, so it was fine. 

They really missed their friends, but they were going to see them soon, so it was okay. 

and maybe sometime, things weren't fine, but it was okay because the burn in their stomach was good and they were going to get better and skinnier so it was fine. 

Everything was fine. Even if, sometime, they didn't believed it. But there were more serious  problems in the world, so shut the fuck up, because they were fine and they just wanted to have attention.