I m screaming but no one can hear. The sound of my broken voice echoing in the silence in my room. No one can heard, maybe because everything is in my head. I m screaming, crying, in my head. And I m smiling, everything is okay, don't worry mom, every is good, never wrong. And I am smiling, laughing, but maybe I m dying, in this body who is not mine, in this mind who is to big, to much. Aube everything is in my head, faking faking always faking, but what ? Is my smile the fake or my tears ? Is the voices on my head, always pulling me down is something I made ? Is anything real ? I don't know anymore. I don't know anything.

Because sometime I don't feel like this. I feel happy, I smile, when I am at school, I telling jokes, I m talking, and I don't feel the hurt in my stomach. But sometime, I feel something, something pulling pulling pulling pulling always pulling, drowning me, and I can't can't can't breathe, and I can't talk and I don't know, I don't know if it is true, if it is not fake, and I don't know anything, so I m flying, flying on top of my feeling, forgetting them, pulling them away, away of me, all down my body. But sometime they come back, come Bach and drowning me and there is no one, no one who can help me, because there is no one, at school, just judging stares, and I m can't breathe. But at last, when I m empty, my stomach ache for real, ache ache ache for substance, and it is so good, so good, because I can feel it, and I m not drowning, and I can hide there, hide in my stomach, where no one can touch me, no one can see me. And it is good , it is so good because it is feeling like home, and it is good, because the pain is real, and it is good because, because maybe, if I m like they want, if I m fit and skinny, maybe I would talk, maybe they would stop looking at me with disgust, and I would be normal, and I would be good, and I need it, I need it so bad, because I can't breathe; I can't breathe when they are looking at me and when I can't hide in my stomach, hide in the pain because he is full of food thy I don't want or need, just making me fat fat fat, making me more noticeable , and I want to be small and skinny, so skinny that I will fade away, stopping to be a burden to every one, and I will fade fade fade, and every one will stop looking at me, and maybe all the voices in my head will shut up, and maybe I could put some cloths who will not make me feel like drowning, drowning in my fat, in my body, this body thy I don't want, and maybe I would breathe, breathe again, and everything else will fade away.

But maybe it is all in my head, maybe it is all fake, maybe I m inventing, and it is fake fake fake fake because I m fake and everything is so so so confuse in my head and I don't even now what I m feeling , I don't know what is true, and sometime I thinking that the pain is the only thing real, well, when I m sure I felling it, that it is not just in my head. When I m thinking about my cat, I m drowning, pain pain pain, but at last I know it is real. When I have this fire in my stomach, crying for food I don't need, I k now it is real, it is physic, the pain, and it is so beautiful because no one can see it, no one can see, and I don't even have to hide it, and it is so beautiful, and it is so good, and sometime I m thinking that it is good, good that I m drowning, because I deserve it, because it is good, good good good because in this moment I can stop asking if it is real or not. But, I don't know. I don't know why I writing this. I don't say that to my psychologue because I don't know, I don't know how to make them understand that I don't know wha is real, what is fake, what is the things I made up, and don't know, never know, and when I m out, I don't thing about it (most of the time) and it is good, I m flying, and I don't think about the ground, all the things that rooting, and isn't that a proof ? A proof that it is fake, that it is all made up, that I m a fake. So i don't say that to my psy because she won't understand, because no one understand, because it is not real and I will not talk about her about something not real and isn't that a liar, because I m posting, posting that and I don't fucking even know why and I won't talk about this to my stupid and useless psy, because she will talk about this at my mom, and I can't, can't let that happen, because she is going to want to talks and I can't because it will ve feeling, and feeling is so so bad. Happiness and smile and laugh and everything is fine, that is my life and everything is fine always fine and it cannot change, surly not for something that I made up, a lie, so no no no no no one will know, and even if they read that, every thing is a lie, nothing is true, everything is made up and I don't know, because when I m out of my room, I m flying, even if sometime, at school, I m drowning again but it is nothing, and I m not even sure and everything is shit and I don't know what to do and my mum doesn't know shit no one know shit and I can't explain, because sometime and don't understand, I m the silly person, I don't understand shit, and sometime it is just so fade, so wrong, so push back in me, that it doesn't exist, isn't that the final, the first, the most important proof that everything is fake, that I m a fake?

Because no one seem to understand, how bad I am, and I don't understand why people are still here, but it is going to fade away, it is going to vanish, I m moving out, and no one will stay, and it will be good, I will stop pulling them down, and they will be free, because I m a poison, I m burning and destroying everything, all the time, and god god god You You You You You You You You I didn't mean to and I have to let you go and god why my brain always take me back to you ? My mom think that I should talk about you with my psy, but why , why, what will we talk about ? How could I made them understand, all of them, what I did, what I destroy, how selfish I was and cruel and controlling and awful and that I m the one in wrong here but no one understand what I did, and god god god please kill me please because I m a bomb and I m going to destroy them, all of them, and I can't, not again, and you see, that, what I m writing and thinking wight now is so so so like me, selfish and me-me-me-me, to think that I destroy you, because I don't know, like I have enough impact to do that. I don't know shit, and people don't know shit and please kill me. Because I see you, sometime, when you posting something, and I m asking myself why, why why why I am still there, when you are there, how could we exist in the same univers, in the same time space, how is that possible, and god why everything can not just shut, all the voices, please shut up and I don't know if it is real or not, and I have to see my parents and I can't because I have to put my mask on, or is this, the little broken girl a mask ? yeah, this is a mask, this is to say « look look look, I m here, and I m shit come help me, please pease I m so sad poor little girl ». Always trying to put the attention to herald I don't know but I m sure that, this selfish girl, this is me, this is what people see because I m so good at lying, no one see, and no one see the wrong in me, the manipulative bitch, and just want everything to stop everything to shut up, so I could finally, for a little while, stoping thinking, stoping changing my personality or shit or just that all my feeling could be there, in front to me, the true feeling, so I could know what is true or fake and it will be good. Fuck. I m sorry okay ?

 And i know it will never be enough but I m sorry I m sorry I m sorry for everything please just for once, hate me all of you, hate me and kill me and leave me because it is not fair, because why could I made her suffer (i thing I made her suffer I don't know god please please please why are you so good, why can't you hate me for fuck sake, insult me or kill me or do something but maybe you don't care anymore, maybe I wasn't big enough in your life for you to care, but even if I wan't, I m sorry, because I still did it, all of it, and I deserve de be alone, and why people are still here ?) So, why would I made her suffer but got nothing in return ? Why people still here, why anyone would want me near to them, I m a bomb, I m selfish and awful and just please I m sorry put everything on me because IT IS MY FAULT ALL OF IT and I m so so so sorry but it will never be enough so jus make me suffer, make it fair, for all the hurt I made, or all the lies I said, looking right at the person while saying them, this person who trusted me and please please just come back and kill then leave but I see you and I don't know what to do and you should have kill me and I have no right to write you and say I m sorry because I have no right to talk to you or to even one instant insinuate that I mean anything to you because I have no idea and I always think that I m the center of the dame univers, that everything is about me but it is not, nothing, and maybe I wasn't even important I don't know just everything ng stop but I don't deserve to stop, I deserve to suffer every fucking minute of my life, even if you don't care, because I DID IT, even if it is nothing to me. Every one should go away. Don't read that, you will only loose your time, and it is nothing, and no one should even look at me because I AM NOTHING and I just want to vanish and I shouldn't even post that but well, I said it before, I always need attention and fuck fuck fuck maybe they will leave maybe it will make them see, all the ugly parts of me, and they have to go away because I m only destruction and pain and nothin I am nothing let me be nothing let me suffer because I did it because fuck I left and lie and I m sorry so sorry but at the end it doesn't matter. All of this is nothing. Only words, maybe not even true. I m a liar.