It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a zombie in possession of brains must be in want of more brains. It is also a truth universally acknowledged that Augustus Lockwood would not be the docile son Mrs Bennet had once wished for. Augustus could not control the wide grin on his face, nor the joy in his heart. The morning sky seemed bigger than ever and the wind on his face was a blessing. He thumped his mare on her neck and spoke to her in soft murmurs as her hooves thundered underneath them. Augustus whooped in the morning light as he and his palomino horse galloped around the meadow; completely unto themselves. "ACCORDING TO THE PRACTICES OF PROSPERING YOUNG GENTLEMEN!" he shouted into the wind as mud splattered onto his face and coat. This was not the behaviour a man of almost two and twenty but Augustus was feeling a certain streak of rebelliousness today. His godmother, Mrs Bennet, (who he regarded as his actual mother) would be mortified.

All too quickly did the sun rise up which compelled Augustus to go back to the house before mother would scold him for being so unruly. He tracked mud all through the kitchen while grabbing a green apple and only stopped chomping on the delightful fruit when he saw the strangest sight. Lydia, Kitty, Jane and-most shockingly-Elizabeth were bumbling round the door frame into father's library. "What have I told you girls about eavesdropping?" Augustus drawled from the other side of the corridor. "It is really quite unbecoming you know." He smiled at them while apple juice dripped down his chin. Elizabeth grinned at him and flicked his shoulder.

"Have you not heard? A Mr Bingley, a young man from the North of England, has come down on Monday in a chaise and four," Lydia muttered without looking at him.

"With five thousand a year!" Kitty added in a single breath, looking ready to swoon of the idea.

"Goodness!" Jane exclaimed and leaned over Elizabeth's shoulder to hear mother more clearly in the next room.

"– and he's single to be sure!" Lydia sighed happily.

Augustus leaned back on the wall. "Is this all my darling sisters think about? I am sure that just yesterday they were frolicking in the meadow with dirty feet..."

"At least we have some form of society," Lydia sniffed. "Your only friend seems to be that silly horse of yours." Gus spat an apple seed onto her dress where it firmly stained her fine muslin with sticky juice. Lydia had always been impartial to Gus's troop of horses.

"Thank goodness I'm not actually related to you," he retorted.

Elizabeth reached up and rubbed mud of his cheek. "You're just so boyish Gus, frankly I would rather be 'frolicking' than trying to impress society," she told him.

"But you're so good at it Lizzy!" he laughed sarcastically. She thumped him on the arm.

At that moment Mrs Bennet exited the room and spied the girls huddling at the door but she was so determined she did not pay them any head. Mr Bennet opened the door. "Good heavens. People!" he sighed happily.

He walked through the girls at the door and into the drawing room with his wife hot at his heels. "-So you must go and visit him at once!" Mrs Bennet continued.

Augustus followed the crowd of his sisters with amusement glinting in his eyes. Mary was inside the room, playing the piano forte. Gus rubbed the top of her head in greeting and leaned on the side of the simple instrument.

"Oh yes, Papa," Lydia cooed.

"Please, Papa!" Kitty jumped up and down.

"Oh you must Papa!" Gus added in a high pitched voice that imitated his sisters'. He earned a scowl from Lydia and Kitty but Mary giggled. He batted his eyelashes like Lydia and Mary laugh more.

Mr Bennet sighed from his place at the bookshelf. "There is no need, for I already have."

Mary stopped practising and the room was frozen in silence. Gus chomped loudly on the last of his apple which stimulated the girls into action. Lydia drew in a high pitched gasp.

"You have?" Mrs Bennet asked incredulously.

"When?" Jane demanded.

Mrs Bennet was still looking at her husband with an expression of surprise. "How can you tease me, Mr Bennet. Have you no compassion for my poor nerves?"

"You mistake me, my dear. I have high respect for them; they are my constant companions these twenty years." He sat down in a chair and leaned back, enjoying the sunlight. The women sat down on chairs around him, captivated. Elizabeth snatched her pistol from the cards table.

"Is he amiable?" Lydia breathed.

"Who?" asked Mary, as she just entered the room, wanting to know what all the fuss was about.

"Is he handsome?" Kitty swooned.

"Who?"

"He's sure to be handsome," Lydia decided.

Elizabeth smiled to herself on the settee as she blew into the chamber of her pistol. "With five thousand a year it would not matter if he had warts and half a zombie face.'

"Who has warts?" Mary asked with distress riddled through her small voice.

Augustus grinned. He leaned on the back of her chair. "All your sisters have warts, and moles and fungus," he whispered the last past in a dramatic fashion. Mary's eyebrows drew into a knot of confusion. "They're riddled with them!"

"Augustus a few years on the front line was supposed to teach you decorum!" Mrs Bennet ridiculed him shrilly.

"No Mother, it only taught me how to be a true gentleman when in the company of the un-dead. I always exchanged the pleasant greeting called beheading." Mrs Bennet didn't approve of his mirth, even though his sisters snorted.

"How on god's earth will we get you a wife," She whispered. "You are truly barbaric."

"Well, since my barbaric ways disappoint you Mother, I should leave before I tell you the location of a certain Mr Bingley tonight....." Augustus turned to the door as Lydia and Kitty shrieked.

Mrs Bennet clutched her chest. "Augustus, how could you! Tell me at once, this is your sisters' futures!"

He quirked a cunning smile. "As long as you spare me from marriage related chatter for at least a week," he bargained. "And I get to ride whenever I wish."

"Clearly your sword is as sharp as your wit, Gus," Mrs Bennet said stiffly. "Fine."

Augustus held the attention of his sisters. He smirked before saying: "The village dance, tonight."

"Gus! Oh why didn't you tell us!" Lydia gushed. Kitty giggled stupidly. Augustus's face wrinkled with disgust at Lydia and Kitty and their shallow minds.

"Well I would quite like to go," Jane proposed sweetly, turning away from her own weapon in her lap.

"I don't care to be paraded like a herd of heifers at a farm auction," Elizabeth sniffed and scrubbed her pistol furiously.

"That's because you are the cow who's least proficient in the art of tempting the other sex," Lydia said slyly with eyes of steel. Elizabeth stiffened. Her hands froze in her lap. "Moo."

Elizabeth snarled and lunged at Lydia who ran into the hall, squealing. Jane glared at Augustus before following her younger sisters. Augustus bowed at Mr Bennet before exiting the house. His troublemaking was fulfilled.

҉

The stables were Augustus's most frequent place to visit. He took charge over all the horses, even doing stable hand work when he felt so inclined. The rich stench of manure and hay increased his spirits and the three mares and two geldings whickered at his appearance. He unlocked all the stable bolts but the horses did not move from their stalls. They did not even toe the ground in front of them. "Scarlett!" He called loudly and a chestnut mare from the furthest pen trotted out and stopped before him. Augustus grinned and patted her flank affectionately. Scarlett was the youngest horse of the mob and the most troublesome at the moment.

Augustus fetched a brush, while keeping an eye on her. She toed the ground and took a tentative step forward. "Scarlett..." he warned. She bowed her head and shook her shaggy mane. Augustus brushed her roughly till her coat was shiny. With a wave of his arm she trotted behind him and stood quietly.

He repeated the process with the other horses. The two dapple grey geldings, Jimmy and Basil, rushed over eagerly for their master's attention. They were the show offs of the pack and nipped his shirt sleeves rebelliously.

The second mare plodded over when called. Augustus stroked her long face. "How's the little one, Maxine?" He rubbed her wide sides softly. "You look like you're ready to pop!" The dark horse whinnied angrily. Clearly she wanted to be rid of the kicking foal inside of her. A different gesture sent her back to the stable.

Augustus put his hands on his hips and beckoned the last horse, a creamy palomino mare with a blonde mane. He smiled affectionately as she muzzled into his shoulder. "Hello, Cress. Ready to go, again?" Crescent – named by Jane - was his pride and joy. They had reached an understanding, deeper than affection – to Augustus it felt like a tangible bond. She was exceptionally trained in all manner of things. "Time to teach the children," he whispered and tugged on her forelock. She whickered knowingly.

A stable boy helped Augustus saddle and rein all the horses. They hardly shifted their feet with their beloved master chatting to them. Augustus checked his pistol on his belt, the knives stashed in his boots, the dagger at his lower back and lastly the two curved swords strapped parallel to his spine. There were never too many weapons a Bennet could have. "Come!" he ordered and Cress, Scarlett, Basil and Jimmy followed behind him in single file. He wandered past the house, just to see Mrs Bennet's face at the odd troop of docile horses. She tapped her wrist, reminding him of the eminent dance. He flicked his riding crop at her dismissively. He put a foot into a stirrup and swung up onto Scarlett.

A shout from the house made him turn around. "Oh, Gus, please let me come – I can't stand Lydia and Kitty's gossip!" Elizabeth ran out of the house desperately.

"You despise riding, Lizzy!" Augustus replied.

She rolled her eyes and swung up onto Jimmy. "But I despise my sisters more," she muttered. "Plus," she beamed at him. "Your conversations are much more interesting."

"You mean actually talking or rather conversing with a weapon in hand?" He smiled crookedly at her as they trotted off. "I bet I can beat you to the lake," he offered.

Elizabeth laughed and squeezed Jimmy's sides. "No you can't!" She galloped off with Augustus and the other horses following closely behind.

Elizabeth did not beat him to the lake. Jimmy was a fine horse but Scarlett was the sprinter. As soon as they arrived, Elizabeth slid off the saddle and flopped onto the grass. "Mother is certain that Mr Bingley will marry one of us," she sighed.

"I thought you came out here to get away from marriage gossip," Augustus responded. She scrunched her nose at him. The sky was so large and blue here, with the clouds reflecting onto the beautiful lake creating another rippling heaven. The un-dead never roamed here on Longbourn but that didn't stop Elizabeth carrying her sword sheathed in its scabbard.

Augustus directed the horses into a line and got them to canter round him. The four animals orbited him. A rough word at Scarlett stopped her from nipping at Basil. "When are you going back to your regiment?" Elizabeth propped herself up on her elbows. She gave him a suave grin. "Private Lockwood."

He shrugged at her. "I'm not sure. Father wants me to stay and breed more horses. Some clients were asking after me, apparently." He flicked his riding crop sternly at Scarlett. She snorted at him. "Mother thinks I could be at least a lieutenant. But Mother thinks a lot of things."

"I think you should stay. It's awfully boring without you, Gus."

"Don't say awful – its slang," he mimicked his godmother's shrill tone. Elizabeth laughed and lay back on the grass. "Maybe I could train horses for the army," he wondered aloud.

"And teach them your circus tricks?"

"Those circus tricks make me a much deadlier opponent, Lizzy." He proved it by running beside Cress and hoisting himself up onto her back gracefully. Cress did not waver in her step. The horses still orbited around while Augustus unsheathed is two long knives and somehow steered Cress towards Elizabeth. He twirled the blades impressively. All the horses circled her and Augustus stood up on the saddle with his swords glinting in the sun.

Like a jester, he jumped onto the horse behind him. It was a perfectly calculated manoeuvre in which Jimmy ducked his head to give his master room to leap. "Private's are not allowed horses, Gus," Elizabeth reminded him as he jumped lightly onto Scarlett. However, the young mare wasn't used to this and faltered, sending Augustus off balance and he tumbled to the ground. Elizabeth laughed heartily. "You're such a clown!" she cried as he brushed himself off. He bowed, adding to the hilarity. He grabbed his knives and sheathed them into their scabbards.

"Shouldn't you be going to meet your future husband, Liz?" he tapped his pocket watch.

Elizabeth said a very unladylike word and clambered onto Basil. "Mother is going to murder me!"

"She'll marry you off first!" Augustus cried as his sister thundered away.

҉

Loud music and happy cheers exploded out of the village hall when Augustus arrived. He handed Cress to a stable boy and brushed his dusty coat. He could feel the riling from Mrs Bennet already. He was only really present to talk with clients. He wandered in from the shadows of the night and into the merry hall.

"I cannot believe you rode here, Augustus!" Mrs Bennet pounced on him immediately. He often pondered if she had a sixth sense. Oh how her eyes bulged. "Look at you! You're filthy! A young man like you should take more pride in your appearance!" She fuddled with his jacket. "Here, give me your coat..."

Augustus shrugged it off and she batted the road dust off its shoulders. "Mother, I adore you but please detest!" He was sick and tired of her nagging.

Mrs Bennet's lips drew into a thin line. "I shall not! How on earth do you expect me to marry you off when you look so disgraceful?" She paused. "Weapons! You still have those silly swords!" She pointed at the knives strapped down his back.

"They're from China!" he protested.

Mrs Bennet sighed dramatically. "Yes, your Godfather has already put us at a social disadvantage by insisting you and the girls do your combat training in China opposed to Japan."

"I wouldn't trade anything for my Shaolin training. Give me back my coat and no one will see!" He snatched the piece of clothing out of her hands.

"All the lovely young ladies here, looking immaculate and you look just plain barbaric!" She picked lint of his collar and clucked around him like a hen. "And smell like horses!"

Augustus pecked her on the cheek. "A person is only as fair as her word," he sang into her ear, reminding her of the bargain he struck that morning.

"Just don't make a fool of yourself!"

Augustus sauntered off with a wide grin. He was still grinning as he spotted his sisters and Charlotte Lucas, standing in a line. Augustus had a lean build with broad shoulders that were fine on the eyes. His gentle brow and lopsided smile brought attention from many women at the dance, who giggled when his grey eyes shrouded in thin lashes glanced their way. However, Augustus had only a small fortune to his name - his father had run an accounting business but a zombie attack had killed his parents. Augustus was left with that small inheritance and whatever he made out of his horses and army adventures. The only desirable qualities he had was his handsome features and being a member of a royal regiment. Every good girl loved a soldier but that didn't mean she would marry one.

"Can I at least say you are easily five times as beautiful as any other woman in this room," Augustus whispered in Jane's ear.

"Oh Gus! You're here at last, isn't this merry?" Jane smiled one of her dazzling smiles at him.

"It's true," agreed Elizabeth. "You do surpass any other woman in beauty."

"Oh, stop it!" Jane blushed prettily in her white gown.

"These girls don't stand a chance," Elizabeth continued.

Lydia leaned over and giggled. "They say Mr Bingley brought a train of London dandies with him!"

Augustus prodded Elizabeth. "Smile, Liz."

She flicked her dark eyes at him. "I will, later."

Surrounded by his sisters, Augustus searched for any of his usual clients. He wanted it known that a foal of good blood lines would be born in the next month. "Where's Mr Kingston?" His brows drew together. "Last time I was here he was very interested in Jimmy..." He trailed off, looking at the crowd.

"Didn't you hear?" Charlotte Lucas asked him. "There was a zombie attack at Mrs Featherstone's. He was one of the un-dead!"

Augustus was surprised but before he could question Charlotte, the girl exclaimed: "There's the handsome new master of Netherfield!" She giggled behind her gloved hands. Augustus turned to see a man with golden hair and an faultless appearance surveying the room. "It was my understanding that Captain Bingley was in want of a wife."

"Oh, he is!?" Kitty gushed.

"Those are his sisters," Mary provided. Two women swept into the room. They had sharp jaws and turned up noses like they constantly smelt zombie flesh. "-Caroline Bingley and Louisa Hurst. They say he inherited nearly a hundred thousand pounds."

"What a magnificent husband he would make," Charlotte sighed.

"Charlotte Lucas do you think of nothing else?" Elizabeth exclaimed, though she herself was peering over the dancers.

"Zombies or no zombies all women think of marriage, Lizzy."

"I shall never relinquish my sword for a ring," she replied proudly.

"For the right man you would."

"The right man wouldn't ask me to." Captain Bingley shook hands with and imposing figure dressed in a dark coat. "Who is the man with the stern brow?" Elizabeth wondered.

"That would be Mr Darcy," Mrs Bennet swept in behind them like a bedazzled peacock, "Owns half of Derbyshire – ten thousand pounds a year at least!"

"Oh look, they're coming over," Kitty drew in an excited breath. The girls giggled and Elizabeth smiled knowingly at Augustus as Jane blushed again.

Captain Bingley bowed to the line of Bennets and Charlotte who bobbed or bowed in reply. "Charles Bingley, pleased to make your acquaintance." He smiled warmly, especially to Jane.

"Mrs Bennet," Mrs Bennet greeted proudly. "My daughters and godson, all of impeccable character." Augustus fought the urge to roll his eyes as Mrs Bennet gestured around her.

"May I introduce my friend, Mr Darcy of Derbyshire," Mr Bingley gestured with his arm to the other man. They bobbed and bowed at each other. Mr Darcy didn't even hint at a smile.

"Are you enjoying hutch Mr Bingley?" enquired Mrs Bennet

"Very much."

"I've heard the library at Netherfield is one of the finest," Elizabeth interjected.

Mr Bingley started. He had been smiling at Jane. "Library? Is it?" Regaining his composure he turned again to the eldest Bennet girl. "Miss Bennet, may I be so bold as to request the next two dances, if you're otherwise not engaged?"

Jane smiled beautifully. Her cheeks flushed a rose pink. "I'm not engaged," she replied pleasantly and took Mr Bingley's hand.

"Good for you Mr Bingley, you chose the loveliest of my daughters," Mrs Bennet cried after them.

Elizabeth blanched. "Mother!"

"What?" Mrs Bennet was completely unperturbed.

"Do you think he would be interested in horses?" Augustus interrupted.

Mrs Bennet rolled her eyes. "He needs a wife, not an animal," she snapped. "Don't they look lovely?" Mrs Bennet sighed happily at Jane's twirling figure. Augustus sighed angrily and begged Charlotte to dance.

҉

Augustus felt the embarrassment Elizabeth had bestowed herself by accidently knocking a glass pitcher from a table which shattered on the floor. The room had gone deathly silent till she ran out of the hall. However, he was tied up with a man of hard hearing who was after a nice young filly and consequently could not comfort his sister.

The actual excitement of the evening started when another smashed a glass. But when all faces turned to the waiter, they received the shockingly mangled appearance of one of the un-dead. "WE'RE UNDER ATTACK!" Augustus cried and threw off his coat. The crowd rushed from the hall, screaming. Augustus climbed onto a table and jumped to another. He flew through the air again like a deadly angel over the crowd. He reached behind his back and unsheathed his two swords and sliced them through the air. He landed just as the head of the zombie thumped to the floor.

Glass shattered and an army of the un-dead clambered through like animals. Their clothes were tattered and maggots twitched inside their bloodied cheeks. Elizabeth pulled him to the side as a zombie barrelled towards him. He and his other sisters flanked her. They were a wall of blood and steel and Augustus was a deadly wind mill, leaping to and fro with his blades glinting in the light from the candelabra. Zombie flesh splattered across his waistcoat when he wasn't quick enough dodging Mary's handiwork with a blade.

The blood bath had finished before it had begun. All too soon Augustus sheathed his swords and went to collect his coat. A beheaded zombie was lying on it so he left it behind. "An unusual choice of blades," a growl of a voice remarked.

Augustus turned to face the imposing figure of Mr Darcy. He smiled briefly. "It gets the job done," he replied swiftly, nodding to the corpses.

"You're quite the warrior," Mr Darcy muttered. It somehow didn't sound like a compliment.

"And quite the horseman I believe," Mr Bingley added, coming up beside them. "Miss Bennet told me of your exceptional skill. I believe the palomino I was admiring outside belongs to you?"

Augustus nodded eagerly. "Yes, she's my pride and joy, Mr Bingley."

Mr Bingley gestured to the exit. "Shall we?"

Augustus followed the men though he swore Mr Darcy rolled his eyes. When the night air surrounded them, Augustus raised his hands to his mouth. "Cress!" he called, loudly. The mare came trotting from the stables right to Augustus's feet.

"Quite the trick, Mr Bennet," the other man smiled. Mr Darcy had somehow disappeared from the present company.

"Mr Bingley I dare say this is hardly a trick compared to what I've seen over the years," Jane boasted shyly as she approached them. She beamed at Augustus. "Gus is an exceptional horseman. All our neighbours have bought animals from him in the past."

Augustus looked down his shoes with a sheepish grin. "I'll take your word for it," Mr Bingley said. He rubbed Cress's forehead. "What a lovely name for a beautiful horse," he commented.

"Short for Crescent – Jane named her," Augustus replied. He grinned when Jane flushed.

"We must be going," She breathed. "We don't want to make Mr Bingley late tonight."

"I don't mind at all," He bowed. "It's been a pleasure to meet you both."

"I would shake your hand, sir, but......" Augustus gestured to the grime on his palms. They laughed lightly before parting ways. Augustus swung up onto Cress and winked at Jane before galloping off.