so my life has derailed really badly over the past month and it's all because of the biggest, most annoying, hateful, self righteous demon in my life.

my mom.

disclaimer: i'm sorry for any spelling errors or incorrect capitalization, but i'm typing at 4amon a computer and am recovering from a recent mental breakdown which i'll touch on

(tw: sewerslide)

so ever since i can remember, my mom's never really seemed to like me much. i'd always get in trouble for things i didn't do and sometimes it'd be really obvious that i didn't do it, but she'd never listen to me

that lead to me have meltdowns as a child, whenever i didn't feel heard i'd scream and throw things cause that's the only way they saw me otherwise. of course that lead to me being "popped" (aka a cutesy name people give to make hitting their kids seem okay) which lead to me having meltdowns even more

so it worked like that until i turn 7 and my mom gave me a tablet, well somehow i ended up on the wrong side of the internet and my mom got super mad

she yelled at me to tell her how i got there and when i said i didn't remember (because i didn't) she called me a liar, went through my whole tablet, send me to my room and promised me i'd never have privacy ever again

the only promise she's ever followed through on.

another major moment i remember is when i was around 9-10, my mom was in the kitchen, super distressed cause like- someone ate her chips or something? i know for sure it had something to do with chips

anyway i walked in the dining room on the tailend of her talking to my siblings about this and said something kinda sassy which she really didn't like, so she ran to me, grabs me by my neck, hits my head on the wall, pins me to said wall and screams at me to "never said that again, do you understand?"

i tried to respond but couldn't cause- well i was being choked- so she decided to keep slamming my head on the wall continuously screaming "do you understand? do you understand?"

on the brink of consciousness, all i could get out was a weak nod. then she threw me on the floor mumbling something. that started my intense fear of her and made me realize that she truly could kill me if she wanted to.

about a year later she also told me and my sister how she understands and sympathizes with mothers who kill their whole families and run away. unsettling.

somewhere around 3 months later, right before the height of covid, my little sister was doing something totally bratty and disgusting so i told her to stop. she goes and tells my parents that i was yelling at her so they yell at me. after they leave, said sister starts laughing at how i got angry.

what a cutthroat toddler.

anyway after that had happened for around 5 months straight i decided i had enough and ran away. i know that's equally as bratty and immature to pull that but i just couldn't stand it anymore. so i don't get very far and they catch me lmao

instead of doing the bare fucking minimum and asking why i ran away, my mom takes my devices for about 6 months. later that year in september, my aunt dies and everyone is distraught

she was extremely healthy and fit so we were all hella confused but it was a stress related stroke, so my mom told us please never get that stressed because we can "aLwAyS tAlK tO hEr" even though after i came out to her earlier that year, she told me i wasn't gay just confused. ( i am paraphrasing a bit)

in december i start talking to some dude in a mobile game chat and he turned out to be a creep, but in my mourning i didn't realize. after almost a year of things i don't want to disclose my sister finds out and tells my mom (reasonable reaction) my mom get mad and takes my devices for a 6 months instead of FUCKING TALKING TO ME. (not a reasonable reaction)

in octorber of last year we go to the mall to hang out with some kids from our grandma's chruch and celebrate one of them getting into college. and after not opening up to anyone for like a year, i was starting to feel comfortable around them and started thinking we could be friends. that's a whole thing where some of them pretend kid-college got hit by a car but it was just a prank so now i don't like any of them, but my mom's still mad that i don't try to be friends with them

anyway things like this go on until around march of this year, i'm still going to church where i can't be myself cause they hate polytheists and gay people, i hang out more with both sides of my family who i can't be myself around cause they hate polytheists and gay people and i go to an incredibly stressful dance class who i can't be myself around cause they hate polytheists, but not gay people.

about two weeks ago me, my mom and my sister were talking about ghosts and stuff, but part of my mom's hair looked wack so i told her, then she said "whenever talk about serious things like God, you always seem to change the subject" and she got mad cause i was "staring at her weird again" which my family says i do when i hear something i don't like, but i literally don't know how to stop which i've told then before, but again they don't care.

so she tells me to leave cause she wants to punch me in the face, then she wants me to come back upstair cause "the devil doesn't want me to listen"???

the next day i'm in the worst pain i've ever felt.

oh it's my period.

i head downstairs and am making kind of whimpering noises cause y'know, i'm in pain. my mom comes in, rolls her eyes and says "Leah don't start this trash again". i'm done at this point cause i'm literally crying and i respond "Ma, i mean this with respect and i'm sorry if it sounds rude, but please not right now"

she stares at me with a "this bitch has the nerve" look and hits me with the "well you can take this attitude upstairs cause i don't want to hear or see this." so i get out of my chair, crying, crawling upstairs and while i'm tring to crawl up the stairs she yells at me "and i don't to hear you from down here. i'd feel bad for you if you weren't so mean to us when you're not like this"

so i'm going to my room, feeling pain worse than when i had to go to the hospital for this, trying not to heave, crying, trying to be quiet as i didn't want her to come choke me again, and thinking about all of the times she'd done this to me, reflecting on my whole life, how i can never truly express myself, how any time i was open to someone they stabbed me in the back (the game dude, the church kids, my mom etc etc), how i live in a world where no one can love me...

and i broke.

i fully lost it as i was somewhere between "panic attack" and "mental breakdown". i rolled on my side, curled in a ball, started rocking and muttering between incoherent mumbles and babbles: "she doesn't love me, they don't love me, she doesn't care, she doesn't care, she doesn't care.."

then i took the pipe/screwdriver/??? that keep under my pillow in case someone breaks in, and a little voice inside my head told me: "please don't do this, you won't achieve your goals, your friends won't even know you did this" but the louder voice in my head spun all of that into a good thing. so i took the pipe and with every bit of depression and anguish and stress that i had.. i hit my head. hard.

was this an attempt at my life? yes it was.

did i succeed? i'll let you do the math. (sorry for the sass)

of course that fact that i was in pain and that i'm already kind of weak mean that i only managed to give myself a really bad migraine that i still kinda have. and i'm really sorry that i didn't tell you guys, i truly am.

but yeah that's where i've been, no i'm not okay, and i still can't really be on here still so i might only be here a couple of times

if you read all of this, thank you so much.

if you didn't, fair enough, i'm annoying.