I felt extremely proud of Hermione when she decked Draco.

"You see, I'm always telling you that's how to deal with your anger," I nodded sagely, as he ran away crying like a baby. "It really is the only way."

It served him right for killing our gamekeeper's bird. Or whatever it was.

My admiration of Hermione was short lived however, when her fucking cat decided to chase my rat again.

"I'm going to fucking put down that cat myself!" I hollered as I chased it across the grounds.

And then a fucking great big dog attacked me and pulled me under that bloody tree I smashed up the previous year, resulting in my leg snapping in half.

After a lot of dithering about, Harry and Hermione both decided to come and see if I was okay, but boy did we get a shock when the dog turned out to be Harry's murdering godfather.

Oh yeah, and my fucking rat turned out to be a creepy old man who happened to have a hand in killing Harry's parents.

"Dude - I slept naked in bed with you!" I gagged as I looked into the watery eyes of the fucking disgusting old pervert in front of me. "We took baths together!"

"You put your rat in the bath?" Harry asked, scratching his head.

"How else was I supposed to wash it?" I queried, quite reasonably, I thought.

Harry had no answer to that.

It also turned out Professor Lupin was a werewolf which cocked up our rescue plan.

It was at this point I was waiting for Hermione to reveal she was actually just a doorknob.

It would explain a lot.

*****

So, once again I had fuck all to do with the most dramatic moments of the end of year excitement.

Dumbledore let Harry and Hermione fucking time travel whilst I was laid up in bed, sulking.

I was having a seriously shit day.

Although, it still topped the day I nearly got eaten by a family of giant spiders.

This school was fucking shit.

*****

"Harry thought he was his dad!" Hermione trilled, as I chewed moodily on a string of liquorice bootlace.

Big fucking deal. I thought my rat was just a rat.

"I managed to conjure a fully corporeal Patronus!" Harry squealed. "It was a stag."

"Congratulations," I mumbled, bitterly. "I managed to snap my leg in half."

"You know, you really need to sort that mood out of yours, Ronnie," Hermione huffed pompously. "Just because you're bitter that you didn't get to time travel."

Yeah, I was fucking bitter. All that time travelling they did to save Harry's fucking godfather and that stupid bird - and they didn't even bother to change the fact that my leg got snapped in two!

Well, whatever. I'd show them. Next year it will be me who saves the fucking world.

Either that or we'd have a quiet one.

Somehow I doubted that, though.

I was starting to feel the drawbacks of being Harry Potter's best mate. It was like living in a fucking shadow.

*****

It turned out Harry's godfather wasn't that bad, after all.

He wasn't the murdering bastard we all originally thought he was, but actually a misunderstood dark brooding soul.

He sent me an owl to replace that fucking paedo I called a rat.

Knowing my luck it would probably turn out to be Lord fucking Voldemort and kill me in my sleep. But it was cute all the same.

Harry was all smug because Sirius had also sent him a signed permission slip to allow him to go into Hogsmede next year.

I didn't have the heart to tell him that surely a school letter signed by a convicted criminal on the loose probably wouldn't count, but I decided to keep my mouth shut.

It was, after all, Dumbledore's school.

And Dumbledore had a questionable way of running it.

I sat back in my seat as the train trundled us back down south for the summer.

And I wondered how hot Draco would be the following year.

*****